Life Changing Decision - Help Needed

Nicole O' - posted on 11/03/2015 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Hi Mums!
I hope you're all well!
This is my first time posting and I am quite desperate for some advice.
I moved to Australia (from Ireland) 1.5 years ago with my now 4yo son to be with my boyfriend (not my sons father).
We have been living together for the past 1.5 years and we have had ups and downs like many couples but the downs are more often.
I am totally alone over here bar my son my bf goes out every weekend missing for nights and days doing drugs and partying (30yo) he collects my son from daycare Monday to Friday as I work full time and he always keeps me aware that he does this.
We have zero intimacy the last time we had sex was 6 months ago, the last time we kissed with tongues was the summer of 2013 I am 23 and without being egotistical not a bad catch, I am funny (a stupid kind of funny), passionate and a fitness advocate so my body isn't that bad either, my BF doesn't have a bar of me he cuts me off if I talk about something or talks over me to announce something he wants to talk about (usually his appearance, his clothes, some clothes he wants to buy, or his friends).
Sometimes he puts effort in we'll have a great day out but we can't last together longer than one day of activities before it all goes up in flames, he tells me he can't stand me, I am a loser, he hates me, I am a geebag really nasty things that I would be nothing without him I would be in Ireland hating life.
Some of these obscenities happen on front of my son (I know I am a terrible mum) last week he blew up out of nowhere he through over our bedroom cabinet and ran and me screaming at me for what felt like a lifetime, my son was on the bed screaming crying and my sister in Ireland accidentally heard everything as my son sat on my phone, she said she got a fright when she heard my BF screaming my poor son being in this house that I need to come home asap. I know I should go home but it breaks my heart what if I regret moving home?
What if I regret it forever?
What if I stay and my son thinks this is a model relationship and thinks he can treat girls the same?
I have money to go home well I will in 2 weeks when I get paid, I feel like I am leaving my bf in a bad whole he paid so much money for our visa's to be here and now I am just up and leaving.
He really cares for my son I know he does and my son must care a lot for him he's lived with him for 1.5 years but then again will they both move on and get over it?
I am at war with myself about this decision, I have no friends here other than work friends who I can't divulge this personal information to, my sisters opinion is just to come home.
I would have to go back to living in my mum and dads until I get on my feet again is this whole thing super disturbing to my child?

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Jodi - posted on 11/03/2015

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Hi Nicole
This just sounds awful and like you are in a bit of a shit storm....obviously and this is easy for me to say as I am not in that situation, but this is not a healthy situation for you or your son. He clearly has some issues and he is abusive to you which is something you need to get out of straight away. How long is your visa for, are you able to set yourself up and make a clean break away from him....you need to get out of this cycle as soon as you can for you and your sons sake, it isn't worth trying to hang in there thinking he is going to change, he sounds like he has zero respect for you or your son, as if he did he wouldn't be acting like this. Life is too short to put yourself through this a minute longer. You have to be the safety of yourself and your son first....these situations can escalate to really bad really quickly and then you may not have an option. I feel for you but you are going to have to be strong and pick yourself up and tackle this head on...my advice is to get out and get out now.

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Jodi - posted on 11/04/2015

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You are welcome and I think it does help to hear from someone else exactly what you are thinking as you said he makes you feel like you are the one that is in the wrong and if you are told or made to feel this way long enough you start to believe it. But I am hear to tell you and I am sure many others would tell you the exact same thing...HE IS THE PROBLEM NOT YOU!!!! You have to start to believe this and not let him mental abuse you a second longer. You hear too often how domestic violence destroys lives and in some extreme cases death! You can do this you just keep thinking that you and your son are worth more than this. You have the visa til 2017, well there are some options for you. I'm not sure where you are living at the moment and if you were closer to where I live, I'd offer you a place to stay until you got yourself on your feet again. But you can go to the local hospital and tap into the Community Services Department get some counselling and advice as to what your options are. There are many many services out there that are available to people in this exact situation. I think this is a good point to start at they will put you on the right track. I know that it feels hopeless at the moment but as I said stay strong and get up and sort it out. You can do it! You probably feel like there is a huge tunnel in front of you and that you can't see the end, well little steps sister one foot after the other and you will get there. You will surprise yourself at how strong you actually are and one day you will look back at this time and think thank god I got out of there and look where I ended up, in a way better place doing it for you and your son. Its very cliché but what doesn't break you does make you stronger, take that from someone who has been through my own pile of shit! It will get better, you just have to make the change, because no one else can do that for you. Stay strong and get yourself a plan together...I know you can do it! xx

Nicole O' - posted on 11/03/2015

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Thank you so much Jodi for your insight and to be honest I totally agree with you I just needed to know that I am not making a huge mistake. We have our visa's until 2017 but I have no friends here and wouldn't be able to stay here on just my wage but you're totally right though I need to be strong and just go.
Thank you so much for your kind words and advice he always makes it seem like I am being over dramatic but hearing your views makes me believe its a bad situation and I am not just being 'sensitive'. Thank you so much x

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