living in a marriage without sex

Blessing - posted on 07/13/2011 ( 6 moms have responded )




I’ve been in a sexless relationship for over 4 years. It is breaking my spirit. I feel ugly, unloved, unwelcome, inadequate, inconceivably alone, and as if the choice i am forced to make (do i sleep around and lose my marriage, or do i not sleep around and lose my sanity), is simply the worst abuse one could think up. because it locks me in an eternal battle with my conscience, who i am, and what i want from my life. During the first year of your marriage, sex was great, until I became pregnant and stop having sex because according to him he do not want to hurt the baby, my baby is almost two years now and still no sex. I have tried talking to him about it, and he keeps giving one long story to the other.
I feel dirty and selfish for wanting sex like I am some kind of prowling scavenger. I am constantly in a state of humiliation because I have this basal need that is simply not on my husband’s list of things to do. At times I thought of just walking out, but I then think I must be tremendously shallow if everything else is OK, except this, and I am thinking of giving up all we have for a few silly orgasms, and other times I can really think of nothing else. Every man I walk past makes me feel like a depraved animal, and I literally have to reel myself in to not approach him with a no-strings-suggestion.
I have never felt as out of control as I do now – as if I am too strong to keep in line. It scares me,
it’s like waking up as a bionic woman, and having no clue why you can walk straight through your own morals, your own values, and just NEED something so badly that you will risk everything to get it. I’m not sure if i am making sense to anyone. But maybe there’s someone who feels the same way, and don’t have the words yet. Can someone please tell me what to do to get my husband back in my arms again?


Lesley - posted on 12/26/2011




I do not feel your feelings are abnormal or wrong in any is normal to desire a healthy sex life with your husband. I would definitely address the issue with him again and see if you can come to a compromise with him that you can both live with. Also, I would question whether or not he may have something going on himself? Do you feel he could be cheating on you? I hope that things get better for you two. Best wishes...hope the advice helps. Maybe start with a romantic date night just the two of you so he won't see you as a mom but his attractive wife again:0)

Anne - posted on 12/25/2011




You may have tried everything you (or anyone else) can think of. Maybe he's got some health problem that needs addressing. I have been married 35 years but for the past 6 or 7 (one loses track quickly), we haven't had sex. He blames my weight gain which is directly related to our not having sex. I see a therapist and it helps alot to know I am not alone with this problem and that companionship could be a viable option. But I still struggle with the lack of sex. And, as a result of not having sex, I have vaginal atrophy. So it makes it very hard to masturbate. I highly recommend trashy novels and vibrators though they are no substitute for the "real thing." I feel your pain and wish I had better news for you. Go see a therapist, for your own sanity. It helps to know someone else knows how awful you feel and also knows you are not ugly, stupid, or undesireable. You're just . . . stuck. Think very hard before having an affair. I have had a couple and the guilt can consume me at times. Even if I think an affair is justifiable. Take care of yourself.

Christy - posted on 07/13/2011




Maybe there is something medically wrong with him, like low testeserone (sp) or something else? Talk to him about this. Lay it all out on the table. Tell him what you have expressed here on the site. I know someone going through this exact thing and they wandered from the marriage and got caught. Now trying to fix the marriage. Communication is key! Ended up the husband in this marriage was overweight and felt self conscious, and ashamed. (not saying that about your hubby). Men are as complex mentally as women are, however they typically don't talk about what's going on in that head of theirs.

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Victoria - posted on 07/13/2011




You poor thing that would be so horrible if your husband wont listen to you have you thought about going to counselling with him? everybody needs sex and without it your right you would feel sad hurt not wanted etc. to me sex is a huge part of marriage and it sounds like it is to you as well i really hope you can make your husband understand the way you feel and that you can get what you want the best of luck to you. make sure he knows how important this is to you :)

Brianna - posted on 07/13/2011




sex is very important in a marriage. i no that even if i dont feel like having sex i usally will anyways just because i no my hubby has needs to and i love him and want to make him happy. Is there something physically wrong with him that hes jsut to embarrassed to talk about? or i hate to say it but he getting it from somewhere else? i think that u guys should concider seeing a marriage conciler? or maybe u should plan a very sexy surprise for him? its deffently not normal for a marriage to go that long without sex.. you are NOT overreacting and im sorry that ur faced with this decision..

Raynae - posted on 07/13/2011




I would dress up sexy and suprise him, or start with sexual advances, to see if it can get his motor going. I think with men you just have to do, talking usually gets no where. If he turns you down then I would just yell "I NEED SEX!". Seriously, that is a long time to go without, especially living and sleeping with someone, I would go absolutely crazy.

Also, you should not feel ashamed for feeling this way. People have their sexual desires and I believe that a healthy marriage needs a healthy sex life, if possible. I am so sorry you are going through this. He needs to know that this is something that is driving you crazy and should be more willing to at least try! Maybe you should threaten the marriage to open his eyes a bit. Sex is not eveything, but when it is non-existant it can seem like it is. Good luck and I hope you find relief! :)

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