Lonely SAHM and don't know what to do.

Corietta - posted on 05/21/2015 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I am a stay at home mom for the time being and I am also a first time mother. I also watch my two year old nephew all day as well so I am surrounded most of the day by babies. I am still in the process of getting used to having my own baby. I guess my question is how do I get across to my fiance that I am lonely and need some alone time with him. He works quite a bit but seems to never have time or is too tired for me. I don't want to keep nagging him because I know he is working hard for our new little family but it's like he is forgetting me. I have been trying these past weeks to get him to be intimate but I am turned away. This definitely doesn't help with my esteem. What should I do?

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Gardensparrow - posted on 06/02/2015

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You're welcome! So glad some of this advice is helpful :)

#girlluvs2garden#

Ledia - posted on 05/26/2015

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What do you mean you "guess" he changed his mind?
What did he say when it was time to leave and he wasn't ready?

You are both adjusting, and being tired and experiencing a slump in intimacy is expected after a birth, but if you don't continue to work on the relationship you will eventually turn into roommates trying to co-parent together.

We've had more success with planned dates than surprises for several reasons.
1. It gives us something to look forward to, and time to mentally prepare. If my husband has had a crappy day at work and is looking forward to crashing in his favorite chair with a scotch and a good book, and I've been planning and looking forward to this surprise date all day, he's going to pissed when I spring it on him, and I'm going to be really let down. If we both know what the evening holds, we can better prepare ourselves.
2. It forces us to make time for each other. If we try to "play it by ear" and just do something when we feel like it, there will ALWAYS be something in the way--we're too tired, too busy, schedules don't line up, or just other things we'd rather be doing at the moment.

Additionally, instead of focusing only on making time for together dates, make sure you are carving out alone time for each of you as well. Humans NEED time to themselves, to do what they want to do, think about what they want to think about. If your husband doesn't see his alone time as scarce, he will be more likely to share it with you. Make sure he has an hour every evening to himself to do as he pleases, and make sure you have an hour as well. (He can get the baby ready for bed while you have your alone time--it provides a way for him to bond with his baby). Right now, he sees his free time as very limited, and he needs his alone time more than he needs time with you (that's not selfish, that's just human), so he doesn't want to give up any time to spend time with you because he isn't sure when he'll get more free time. If he knows he'll get more free time tomorrow, he will be more inclined to spend time with you.

Corietta - posted on 05/22/2015

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So I tried what some of the ladies posted and was turned down well for the intimacy part anyway. I don't know what to do. We were supposed to go to the movies but I guess he changed his mind and we just stayed home. :(( I almost feel like something is going on but I don't want to react and look psycho. Any ideas?

Corietta - posted on 05/22/2015

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Yes! I will try these tips out. I just never want to come across like I am being selfish with my needs because he does so much. But he is very easy going so I believe he will be on board. Thank you.

Gardensparrow - posted on 05/22/2015

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Well, I totally understand wanting some "adult time" when you've been around little ones all day. And it's definitely good to try and be intentional about having quality time with your significant other. So, do you think your fiance would be willing to schedule a date night/day? Sometimes when it's on the calendar and not so spur of the moment, it's easier to follow through on. And it doesn't have to be anything big. Just taking a walk, having a picnic, etc. can do the trick (there's some ideas at http://bit.ly/1Ftr0MJ if you want to take a look). But, mainly, just making sure you have a moment to talk and reconnect. So, just an idea. Hope it helps. :)

#girlluvs2garden#

Corietta - posted on 05/22/2015

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Thank you so much for the advice. I am going to try this. Hopefully this will work. I appreciate your help.

Amber - posted on 05/22/2015

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Try surprising him one night. Have some one you trust keep little one, I'd reccomend for the night, but only if you're comfortable with it. Then do what you need to do to feel like a woman not just a mommy. Take a long bath, get a pedicure, put on make-up, what ever it is that works for you. Then have a date night. A real honest to goodness, fresh to the relationship type datenight. As hard as it will probably be don't bring up little one, talk about yourselves, likes dislikes, anything "grown-up". Sometimes our significant others and even we forget that we are women not just mommys. I know I tend to run around all day in my sweats with my hair pulled back, glasses instead of contacts, no mskeup, basically looking like a frazzled mess when my fiance gets home. but since we started having date nights, and we are lucky if its once a month, we have reconnected. I hope this helps, good luck

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