Long distant mom...???!!!!

Kami - posted on 12/09/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )




I know I will get judged negatively for this...but I also know there are alot of moms with great advice.
I am just gonna lay it out...its a long story...sorry.

So, I am from MT, it is where all my friends and family are...however, I currently live in CA. I moved here 10yrs ago when I met my now ex husband who is from here.
We moved here with my daughter who was 5 and started a life.
Fast forward 6yrs, I got preg with twins and we finally got married. Life however, was not great. I was overwhelmed beyond belief and became a shitty wife. His family didn't offer the support I felt we desperately needed, he was unhappy and we were slowly falling apart.
Fast forward 4 years... My older daughter is now 15, the twins are 4 and my husband is leaving me for another woman. I am beside myself with grief and can not take care of the vastly different needs of my children. My older daughter and I decide she would maybe be better off going to live with her dad and step mom in Idaho. I stay, against my deep desire to leave, in CA to ensure the young twins have both parents. I remain as close to the father and his family as possible so that the girls lives remain as normal as possible. Basically, the only thing that has changed is that I now have my own apartment.
Our custody plan has them spending time with both of us on a day basis... Yes... I have seen and dealt with dad everyday since I found out he was leaving me for someone else just so my girls wouldn't be without. I have even "forgave" and became cordial with the new woman. I don't wanna toot my own horn, but TOOT!! I think I am being a damn nice ex wife...he and his family EXPECT it.
Luckily she is very nice and loves my girls. And their dad is the best dad ever so I would never take them from him.

Now here is where it all falls apart. It has been 3yrs now. In this time, I have gotten a divorce, moved my daughter, and lost my mom and her 2 sisters to cancer. I still, unhappily, live in CA...alone, with the exception of the twins.
I put a big fake smile on everyday and cry every night. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother living this life! I would never go to that extreme, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it.
I love my girls more then anything and cant imagine not seeing them daily... But I have become a very lazy, grumpy and depressed mom who tries to fake a good mood as much as possible...
I cant do it anymore!! I am becoming bitter and angry at everything. All I want to do is sleep.

Now, my daughter in ID is pregnant, my Dad in MT has cancer and I am living a miserable life of unappreciated sacrifices here in CA.

I constantly think about moving to the middle. A days drive between all the important people in my life and taking that time to get my life back in order. I am so lost. I have no idea who I am, and I cant stand myself anymore.

The only thing holding me back is my babies. My 7yo precious angels. The thought of leaving them makes me sick... But I don't think I can do this much longer.

I dont know what to do... 😢


Jessica - posted on 12/09/2013




Wow. That's a lot on your plate. First of all, you must get back to yourself. You are the most important right now (I know everyone says the kids are most important, and while that's true...they need you to be whole in order to thrive).
You need to think what is best for YOU. It's hard, because it's not what we say to parents or adults. Most people in this society believe that sacrificing ourselves is the thing to do...but that's crap. Total crap. Make yourself whole again...that is the only way to help your kids.
I know that's the last thing you want to do when you feel like total crud...but that will be the best thing to do. Love yourself again. Learn how to do it. Put your energy into that. Your girls will benefit tremendously from it.
Also, you need to work with your head rather than your heart. I know it's kind of contradictory to what I said above about loving yourself...but too many of us let our emotions run our day. Seeing as you are a woman with a ton of life experience, I'd say you have a very good head on your shoulders. Use that...don't use the anger or the bitterness. Your head knows better than that. Fake smile? Who needs the fake smile? Your girls? They will pick up on your mood...they'll know it's fake, and I can guarantee they know you cry at night as well. Instead of being fake, tell yourself, "I don't need to pretend. I'm better than that. I'm going to work through this day without the fake stuff. I'm going to use my head and do what I need to do without the emotional crap". At night, tell yourself, "I could let it all get to me...I could cry, but I deserve rest because I work hard. I deserve to think about good things because I am a good person. I deserve to relax."
You DO deserve it. All that anger and bitterness isn't you. The reason I know that (without knowing you) is because it is destroying you. The true 'you' is not destructive. So get rid of anything that isn't 'you'. Be honest...always. That doesn't mean telling everyone your worries all of the time. It just means you don't fake anything. You tell people you are having a hard time, but you are working to get through it.
Sacrifice is useless and rarely helps anyone, even though you THINK it may be necessary. Finding yourself is your priority here.


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