Losing my cool

Denise - posted on 11/26/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I have a soon to be 17 year old son that can be as sweet as pie. Crappy student but only because he is very lazy, and gets A’s and B’s when he feels like it. I have always pegged him to be a dangerous type of kid because he adapts to punishments and circumstances. It’s almost like nothing bothers him to the degree where he changes his negative behavior. About 3 weeks ago, I let him go over his friends’ house to hang out, and naturally they went to a party, and his friends had to call me to come and get him because he was so drunk that he was uncontrollably vomiting. Needless to say, was that I was very disappointed with him. He has been punished ever since.. Chores, no phone, no playstation 3.. etc., He has an ipod so he has a way to be on twitter, and of course I can see what he tweets, he is still talking about getting drunk again. I don’t understand what’s the fascination with alcohol? I asked him how long did that good feeling last him when he was drunk, he said not long. I asked him was it worth it, he said no.. I have been stressed out about him, since he hit the 6th grade. Bad grades and attitude.. Guess what.. I have a 14 years old daughter that is wonderful, great grades, good attitude, a little mouthy at times.. but that’s natural.. So, that tells me that I’m not that bad of a mother. I’m ready to put him out. I really am.. I’m tired.. He is not respecting that I have MS, and that stress makes it worse. Am I horrible for being done? I’m worried about what my daughter might start doing…

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Marian - posted on 11/26/2012

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Have you talked about why he feels the need to drink to the point of uncontrolled vomitting? I might start with try to understand why he feels the need to engage in the behavior. Talk to him like a grown up, even though he isn't. You may find that there is something else triggering his need for this behavior. And then you can talk about the triggers and how he can make better choices for managing the triggers.

You may also find that his impending adulthood might be causing him a bit of stress or out of control feelings, and drinking is how he is choosing to not cope. It's a scary time for you both. For you as a Mom looking at a child who will soon be an adult, and for him seeing himself as having to be an adult. This transition can be rocky and scary. Firm boundaries, open honest communication might help you two work through this together in a way that doesn't stress either of you. Best wishes!

Love Being A - posted on 11/26/2012

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Geez, that's a tough one. He is still testing his boundaries. This is that hard lesson in life when parenting over friendship comes in. I do not have children that old, but I do remember my parents going through this. As a parent you have to ensure his safety and those he is around. This is also a crucial moment in his transformation from teen to young adult. There is a lot of exploration.... In my humble opinion you still need to be the mom he needs, the one with her finger on everything, but not so ridged that he rebels and pulls away.

We all have been there, I assume. children, even this age desire boundaries and 'discipline', encourage the communication so if he does get into trouble again he will feel comfortable calling you for help, a ride, whatever. Be firm and stand tall in your beliefs on alcohol consumption.

Don't freak out on him, that may push him away. You know him best, so love him. Trust is hard earned, maybe even talk with the other parents whom where drinking with him, a united front. That way it isn't just you... You can rely on them to help you as you help them.

Good luck

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