LOST CONTROL OF 19 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER

Claire - posted on 05/30/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Hi there this is the first time I have been on here. I would like any advice regarding my 19 year old daughter. She has been going out with her current boyfriend for a couple of months and have hardly seen her lately as she stays at his place alot. I am not keen on this guy he seems very arrogant and has no manners but that isn't really what the problem is. She just comes and goes, drops her washing in and when she is home is very rude, swears and obviously doesn't want to be around. My other daughter who is a few years older has also noticed the tension when she is here. Last night she had plans to go out with her boyfriend but they fell through cause he decided to have a boys night. At 4.45 am this morning I heard noise and wondered what was going on and saw her just in time from the balcony taking her things to her car. I asked what was going on and she said she was picking up her drunk boyfriend and his friends and that they needed her and she was just being a good friend and why couldn't I get this .... I don't get it at all, she also woke up her sister. I am a single mum and I don't know what to do. She swears alot at me and is just not the same beautiful girl any more. She had a good education and has never had to go without anything. Her father and I parted five years ago and he is basically out of the picture with his new life so I am left to decide what to do. I don't want to argue with her any more its very frustrating. I don't know how to set rules and boundaries and she keeps telling me she is "nearly 20" so being an adult I fell she should be more respectful. I don't swear and I tell her not to swear at me. What to do ... thanks for any ideas

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Michelle - posted on 05/30/2015

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Well she is an adult and you can no longer "control" her.
If she knows you don't like her boyfriend then of course she will be going to his place instead of staying at home.
When she drops off her washing do you do it? If so, stop. Yes she will rant about not having clean clothes but you can let her know that you aren't a laundromat and she can do her own washing.You can let her know some house rules (no swearing, be respectful of others, etc) and tell her that if she is in your house you expect her to abide by the house rules. You can't force her to stay though, she's over 18.

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Stephanie - posted on 05/31/2015

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If she's an adult and almost 20 and you can't tell her what to do then she doesn't need to be under your roof. I know that's easier said than done but that's true. I moved out of my moms house at 18 because I was tired of rules. I was never disrespectful I just decided on my own.

Claire - posted on 05/30/2015

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thanks so much you are right I need to look and treat her as an adult and sit down and have a calm discussion with her instead of getting angry - appreciate your great advice

Michelle - posted on 05/30/2015

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Since she has a job then yes she should be paying board.
I think you all need to sit down and discuss the house rules and make sure everyone understands their obligations.
I didn't know if she knew that you didn't like her boyfriend as you didn't say anything about that. I can understand why they spend time at his place though, the privacy at that age is important.
The thing to remember is that she is now an adult so instead of treating her like your child, you need to treat her like an adult. You all need to discuss what the rules will be and come to an agreement on them. That way everyone should agree to follow them.

Claire - posted on 05/30/2015

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Appreciate your comments. She has no idea I don't like her boyfriend as I have never let on and am always friendly to him when I see him. I don't like the way he treats her and the things she has told me but have never said anything bad about him to her as I don't want to push her away. She stays at his place because he has a separate area so they have their privacy (its a separate garage detached from the main house where his mum and siblings live), when she comes home she does her own washing in the machine with just her stuff so she can get it cleaned and go back out. I don't know if I am being too controlling but all I am asking is that she doesn't swear, lets me know if she isn't coming home at night so I don't worry and shows some respect. She has just started a fulltime job which is her first job and has never paid any board so that is something I would like advice on. I think I have always let her have her freedom and never been a clingy mum as I am busy myself but waking us up at 4.30 am has made me so mad, Being in Australia is still morning so I am still in "angry" mode and I am sure this will fade as the day goes on. I do tell her I am proud of her for getting this job and give her lots of encouragement ...

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