loving a stepson

Nerax - posted on 03/23/2015 ( 10 moms have responded )

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i've been having an issue with my stepson lately because of the incident in which we were called by the school because of his misbehavior at school, such as not finishing his school work being bully in school and using language not appropriate for his age. He is 8 ysr old but still having difficulty with his studies. My concern is i'm being easily annoyed with him right now and i feel guilty because he's just a kid but i cant avoid it. By the way, he is some kind of a reminder of my husband's unfaithfulness....

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Raye - posted on 03/25/2015

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I do have step-kids, and their mom is less than ideal. We have a lot of frustration over her changing schedules at last minute, not helping with the kids homework or school projects, not showing up for birthday parties, sports events, etc. My husband deals with a lot when it comes to putting up with her crap for the sake of the kids. And since it affects him and the kids, of course if affects me too. But I try to limit how much strain I allow to affect me, because it's not helpful to the situation, and it's not healthy for me either. So I struggle all the time to just let the anger and frustration go and focus on helping my husbands kids try to have as good a childhood as they can under the circumstances. It's a hard thing, and I feel for your situation even more, because you didn't have the choice really to be the step-mom. But you can't let the hurt overwhelm you.

Counseling is probably a good idea to help your family. It might help your husband find the strength to become a better parent, it might help you overcome some of the hurt and learn how to judge which situations require your attention and which ones you need to let your husband deal with, it might help the child know that there really are people that care about his well being.

Jodi - posted on 03/24/2015

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So you have what we would call a "damaged" child. What I mean by that is that this child has suffered trauma in his life, and this will have altered the development of the way his brain is wired and therefore his ability to respond to situations. Given the circumstances you have outlined here, this child could do with some counselling/psychological support. Being annoyed at him is not going to help. Dad's attitude is not going to help.

I want you to put yourself in this child's shoes for a moment.

Mum didn't want him. She got rid of him.
Grandparents didn't want him. They got rid of him.
Dad can't cope with him and doesn't want to deal with it.
You are annoyed and angry at what this child is doing to you and how this child is affecting you.

At what point is anyone truly going to care how this child feels? This is about more than misbehaviour at school and losing things. You need to address some of these larger issues if you want the other things to improve.

Nerax - posted on 03/24/2015

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so you have stepkids raye.....was it easy for you?....hmmm the mom of my stepson seems like she doesnt exist at all... the child was left on the grandparents my husband's side and was just lately transferred to us because they cant handle him anymore..so it was really hard for me and i'm totally affected by his misbehavior....and it's like, i was left alone with this kid to discipline....i want him to be a productive individual...so i felt so frustrated seeing him losing things and not learning at school...we are not rich and we strive hard to provide his needs but it hurts me and get me angry when he loses everything...such a waste of money....

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Trisha - posted on 03/26/2015

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You described my husband's childhood while talking about your step-sons. Jodi is SO right. Your step-son needs so much love and attention right now it is ridiculous. He hasn't had any consistency in his life and he likely will have problems with self control until he starts to feel less insecure. He will seek out for attention until he feels this security.

Make extra effort to have a consistent family time, and time you guys can spend together. Fun things. Be consistent about rules, and expectations. Write them down, as well as the consequences, but first and foremost just show the kid that he is loved and wanted. This might be hard, but it will make it easier in the long run.

Jodi - posted on 03/25/2015

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A pastor is not trained in trauma. Your child needs someone who is properly trained in child development and psychology. The counselling with the pastor may help you and your husband with maintaining patience, and providing you with support, but your child needs to be seeing a professional.

Nerax - posted on 03/25/2015

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we went to church already and have counseling with a pastor....and it was helpful...my husband agreed to be more open to his kids....thanks guys, your responses made it easier and i feel more relaxed now...and maybe a more open mind....its like talking to dearest friends.....without being judged.....i really appreciate your responses.....i hope that we all have a better family life....a happier one.... :)

Nerax - posted on 03/25/2015

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thanks jodi....that was really an eye opener...that was really helpful....thank God i signed up in this website....i will do my best to show him that i do love him like mine.....and be more patient with him....wish i can do this! :) :)

Nerax - posted on 03/24/2015

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thanks for the response raye....
my prob is the mom doesnt care at all, like she doesnt exist...and the father seems like he cant handle the child,...i get really annoyed because he's in the house and i'm affected with all his misbehavior.....
you're right, i think i should not get so involved with him anymore.... :)

Nerax - posted on 03/24/2015

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thanks for the response raye....
my prob is the mom doesnt care at all, like she doesnt exist...and the father seems like he cant handle the child,...i get really annoyed because he's in the house and i'm affected with all his misbehavior.....
you're right, i think i should not get so involved with him anymore.... :)

Raye - posted on 03/24/2015

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If your husband was unfaithful and created this child, but you have chosen to stay with him, then you need to get past it. If you can't forgive your husband, then leave. If you forgive, then forgive and move on. The child did nothing to deserve hard feelings.

If his son is misbehaving, then he and the bio-mom needs to be responsible parents and handle the bad behavior. It should not be up to you to discipline or perform any corrective action with his son. You should just be supportive of the child, and help maintain a stable home environment that is conducive to him becoming a well-adjusted kid. There's a phrase I use to help me get over some of the craziness with my step-kids and that's "not my circus, not my monkeys". It's their dad and bio-mom's responsibility to parent the child. You keep your sanity by simply staying out of the stuff that doesn't involve you.

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