Marrage feeling rocky. Need some advice. Please

Erin - posted on 10/28/2009 ( 116 moms have responded )

12

27

1

Okay so my husband and i have been fighting and argueing a lot lately. It seems like we can't talk anymore. Now i know that our live are very busy with 3 kids under the age of 5 and him working the day and me at night. So there really isn't any time. Plus the only day we have off together is Sundays and he gose hunting and i stay home and watch the kids and the football games. Now i know of the putting time away,(making date night or just sitting and watching a movie together) but it just seem like none of it works. When we were going out it got to be to expensive and when we decided to stay home and watch a movie by the time i had the kids to bed and asleep it was too late and all we really wanted to do was go to bed our selves. So i am out of options. But i do know that i love my husband to death and i don't like the situation we are at right now. I am not feeling any love from him and says the same thing about me. Plus my dad said something about the seven year itch. Not to sure what it is, but he say it is real and we are reaching that point in out lives. This july we will have been together for 7 years.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Joyce Lynn - posted on 10/29/2009

7

20

0

hi! my husband and i have been married now for a little over 20 years. we have 5 living children together, from ages 19 to 9. i've homes chooled all of them (oldest now in college), and the youngest has Down syndrome. i've spent MOST of our marriage at home w/ the kids. BUT ...
the first few years we were married, my husband worked full time (overnites), went to school full time (during the day. cramming a 5 year course into 3 years), and was volunteered up the wazoo, out the ying-yang, and all around the mulberry bush w/ Boy Scouts and Youth Group and whatever sport my son (from my first marriage) was in at the time. that did NOT leave much time for us.
for about 1.5 years while we first lived in Arkansas (started out in NJ together. moved to Ar to help out his family 8 months before we'd planned to), he went out on interviews during the day, worked full time (afternoon shift), and i worked part time overnites (so it was always one of US home w/ the children, and them NOT in day care or w/ a sitter). we literally passed each other in the doorway WAY too many times. now ...
we're in Mississippi. he's working a full time job that has him traveling a LOT, including business trips over the wk/end's the past 5 months. he's back in school (seminary class 1 nite a wk/), and he's still volunteered all over the place, this time between 4-H and Youth Group for the most part. we've been thru some major health scares (mostly involving me), and a VERY high risk pregnancy (our youngest and i both almost died 3 times) that had me home, but on bed rest, most of it PLUS more than a month AFTER she was born. we've also been thru a few deaths, including my son being killed (hit by a drunk driver), and some other VERY intense "drama" events.
BUT ...
altho we still do NOT have much time together, we ARE still together. we MAKE time for each other, when we can. can't always afford to go out on a date, but still ... even if it's "just" for a walk alone, you do it. we also found little ways over the years to still keep connected. for instance, during the time in Arkansas when we were both working, when one of us would take a hot shower, we'd write a message to the other in the steam on the mirror. then, when the other one would take a shower, the mirror would steam back up, and they'd see their message. i'd hide notes in his lunch when i packed it. he'd hide a note somewhere in the house for me, like in my purse. even now, we still do that. i'll hide a note in the pocket of the shirts i know he's packing to wear on a business trip. he'll hide me a note under my pillow, etc. he's even gone so far as to give a different note to each of the children, w/ instructions as to when each of them delivers it to me while he's gone. you can also try something as simple as making sure you say one thing positive to the other each day, about something you REALLY appreciated them for that day. i'll admit, on the days i'm upset w/ my husband, that can be difficult to come up w/! BUT, since it's only one thing, you can usually scrounge it up. 8>).
ALL marriages go thru ups and downs, even if they never have any crisies to face together that can make or break them. you CAN make it thru, tho, even if you have to force yourselves sometimes to do things like talk. ALL marriages change, also, as they enter each different "season" of time. again, tho, there ARE ways to keep connected, and still "feel the love", IF you work at it. also, UNFORTUNATELY, too many couples, but especially the wives/mothers, do NOT put the right priorities into place w/in the marriage, ESPECIALLY when there are children involved. we ALL need to remember that the COUPLE comes first, and NOT the children. if you find that hard to believe, know this ~ one of the MOST important things a child actually needs is a stable home environment. they can't, and don't, have that, if Dad and Mom are NOT stable and secure people, but most importantly as a couple. YOU guys have a great relationship, and your children will feel more safe and secure. and, they'll then also have the added benefit of having a GOOD example of a marriage relationship to emulate when they're later married. after all, even if you do not officially "home school", know that you ARE the training ground for your children, in many arenas of life, like in regards to marriage.
so again, make time for each other SOMEhow, and find even little ways to rekindle the connections. it CAN be done, even if time and money are NOT in abundance. and ALL will benefit.
oh yeah, and i also recommend seeing Fireproof, it's a phenominal movie.
geesh, didn't mean to be SO long winded. hopefully, tho, there's at least ONE thing in there that can help. my prayers are w/ you. in His peace ...

Polly - posted on 10/28/2009

3

5

0

Hi Erin,

My heart hurts for you and your husband. I can see that ya'll are very tired and worn out, and you are trying to figure out how to fix your problems. I have a question for you both. Are you a Christian? Have you brought your problems to God? The reason I am asking this is because I was married for 20yrs. and I thought I was a Christian, but I was wrong. I never went to God with my problems and gave it all to Him. I put it on my shoulders and tried to fix it all by myself. GUESS WHAT? It didn't work. We got a divorce. I wish I would of seeked God and listened to Him, because I wouldn't have screwed up children that have to live with this daily. BUT, I am blessed now and God has given my a second chance with my wonderful husband of 9 years. We have 7 children (4 his and 3 mine) and 8 grandchildren and one more on the way. During my seperation and divorce I grew closer to the Lord and learned to lean on Him. I prayed a lot and read the Bible a lot, to find the answers. I ended up a very strong Christian and I know God is working through me daily. YOU need to get into Gods word and pray and seek Him. He will guide you through all of this trouble and He will make a way for you two to come closer to each other.

I like a lot of the ideas the other ladies had, especially the Fireproof movie and the book, the Love Dare. I have the movie if you would like it, you can have it. Love your husband like you want to be loved. Little notes left in special places,(I left a note around the underside of the toilet lid one time, he loved it). Meet him at the door when he comes in (if you are still at home) give him a big hug and kiss. When my husband is at the computer, I just walk up and plant a big kiss on his bald head, He always laughs. When you can eat together, eat as a family around the table. If we can do it with 7 plus kids you can. Fix his plate for him. That gives you time to have undivided attention. Make him feel special. Ask how his day was, tell him you are proud of how hard he works for the family, and how much you miss him. TOUCH him, it doesn't have to be sexual, just TOUCH, hug, whisper sweet nothings, sit by him and hold his hand and caress it. Put your head on his shoulder and smell his neck. When you are in bed, hold hands or touch toes or BOTH. Of course try as much as possible to make love. It doesn't matter if it is day or night. Put the spark back into your relaitonship. Remember you married him because you love him.

Yes, it is hard to have time for each other with children around but MAKE TIME! Find a friend that you can swap babysitting. Take turns watching each other kids, that would help you all. Take turns doing something you like to do. Go out or stay in, just do it. God will see you thru it. He is doing it for me and He will do it for you, all you have to do is ask.

God bless you and I will be praying for you.

p.s. The fighting and arguing- is it worth it? THINK first then speak. Are you getting anywhere? Is it helping anything? Is it making anything BETTER? Then don't do it! Stay away from the fights. Realize this isn't helping at all, it is only HURTING things, and making it worst. Try being positive and speak out of LOVE. Ask God to hold your tongue and to give you the words to speak. Try it, it really works!!!!!

Sandi - posted on 10/28/2009

136

19

12

The one thing that stood out to me in your post was "I don't feel love from my husband and he doesn't feel love from me." I would suggest a very inexpensive thing to try first, which is "Love Languages". It is Christian based, but more importantly, it lets you know what YOU perceive to be love - whether it is words of affirmation, touch, acts of service, spending time together, or whatnot. Once you find out what HIS language is, you can show love to him in a way he understands, and once you find out what YOURS is, he can show you in a way YOU understand. Example - my love language is acts of service. My husband can tell me he loves me and I'm beautiful blah blah blah until the cows come home - but unless he SHOWS me by helping around the house and doing things like that, I don't "hear" it. In the same manner, HIS is words of affirmation "thank you for doing that", "I really appreciate how you . . . " I can do stuff for him till the cows come home and he gets nothing from that. Because you all works separate shifts, knowing each other's love language is imperative. Also, he needs to stay home at least one Sunday a month so you all can have time together. Get a sitter, or trade sitting with a friend or neighbor and go somewhere - even if it's just for a walk in the country (or city, if that floats your boat). Just going to the park for an hour and talking can make all the difference. Going out doesn't have to be expensive. And going somewhere like the movies or a club - well, that defeats the purpose because you can't really talk there, lol! Best of luck!

Chesnie - posted on 09/03/2011

317

8

8

We are going thru the same thing. My husband thinks and tells me such and such is the reason we fight. It's always you do this and u do that blaming me! His temperament is getting worse. He does a lot for me but he talks to me like garbage. I don't understand.

Toni - posted on 11/01/2009

4

11

0

Dear Renee,

I totally agree with you. Yesterday I was being a bit bitter. That is what happens after 20yrs. After yesterday I don't think we are going to make it. He has become so nasty and well I cant keep my mouth shut. He is not going to run all over me. I am done. I have no more fight left. Im ready to live again (happy). Its sad to say the only reason I havent divorce his yankee butt is I can afford it! but ladies do give up. That's jus my situation. Everyone is different.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

116 Comments

View replies by

Deidre - posted on 11/09/2009

6

18

0

I know exactly where you are coming from. My husband and I are going through the exact same thing. We have only been married a year and a half but we have been together for seven years. It seems like we no longer have a relationship together. We have been talking about it together and both agree, but are at loss at how to make things different. I know going out sounds like the perfect solution, but at this point we don't have the money, nor someone to watch our children for us. We can't even find someone to watch the kids so we can both work one weekend a month. It is very stressful and makes the rest of life harder to deal with. I hope things work out for you and your husband. If I find anything to better our relationship I will galdly share. Take care.

Theresa - posted on 11/03/2009

1,310

22

236

My husband and I went through similar things a couple years ago. First BOTH of you realy have to make the effort to work at the marriage. Marriage isn't easy, it does take work. I found a book that I really liked and would recommend to any wife. It's called "What Husband's Need" by Judy Carden. I found a lot of very helpful information in there. When I started applying some of the things it suggested I saw a difference in him and our relationship. It is imprtant to try to make time to spend just with eachother, even if it's just lying in bad talking about your days for a half hour or so before falling asleep. I hope some of this will help you. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Jennifer - posted on 11/03/2009

1

29

0

I have been married almost 11 years and we have hit several rough patches over that time. What I learned is that small things make all the difference. Instead of trying to find a whole evening to spend together (stressful and sometimes impossible), take 5 minutes each day to talk and reconnect. Talk about something other than the kids if you can. When you talk to each other, make it a point to do it in a loving way. Barking a run down of your day and what still needs to be done will get you nowhere. If you have internet access at home and work and it won't get you into trouble, send each other emails. Leave little notes around the house. Pick up something you know he likes at the grocery store and set it aside just for him. Set the DVR to record something you know he'd like to watch. After a while, he will (hopefully) pick up on this and start doing little things for you. When you both put forth this tiny effort, it helps rekindle that feeling that you care about each other.

[deleted account]

this worked for me someone told me to think like my mariage was a toy box when i take out something i have to return something.like if my husband did something nice then i would have to replace it if i do something then he needs to replace it you both said i do to a full toy box now its up to you both to keep it full so you then can teach this to your kids its funny how you can grt to say hey you need to help keep it full your turn.

Corrie - posted on 11/03/2009

4

10

2

Hello. You've gotten some good advice here. I have one suggestion- try reading, "Created to Be His Help Meet," by Debi Pearl. If you can read this book from start to finish and implement it's suggestions, things will get better. Some of it is going to sound kind of strange and extreme and, to be honest, out dated- but it isn't. I don't know you, so I don't know if you pray or not, or if you are christian or not, but reading a book couldn't hurt, right?

Stephanie - posted on 11/02/2009

1

21

0

Having kids and being married is a full time job. I have three kids myself. You should always try to have all kids to bed by a certain time so you and your husband have alone time, even if it is to just lay in bed and watch a movie together! Just remember that one of these days all the kids will be gone and it will just be you and him and you don't want to feel like you two are strangers so my you marriage your first concernt and everything else will fall into place. God will bless you if you are walking in the path of the Holy Spirit! Just remember, as hard as it is to raise kids, marriage is a full time job to and you get out of it what you put into it. I believe every marriage where children are involved at some point every couple goes through this. So keep the Faith and continue to work at it. Give it time and everythin will work out for you and him! Good luck!

Cheryl Cloud - posted on 11/02/2009

6

33

0

Rocky it is. I've been married not even one year, and experiencing the arguing & fighting too. I don't have little kids at home....however, what our relationship has in common with yours is the lack of time for each other and relationship maintenance. We also tried the date nights, getting together with other couples to play board games, even trying playing the Wii together....and I agree with you, nothing worked. We also tried counseling. First I picked the counselor, then him. Didn't work. We argued more, were bitter and resentful at each other when one's attention wasn't focused on the other. I felt I had made a horrible, terrible mistake in getting married again. I regretted it and almost panicked....almost reacted in a irreversible way. FINALLY, what I did was, I just started living my life as if he wasn't there, as if I were alone, and singular. I made my own plans, did my own things, left him notes and stuff, dropped the dog at the kennel instead of trying coordinate his care, made plans & took calls from other people, even guy friends (which were taboo in our relationship). I wasn't rude or harsh or anything, mostly I just acted like I didn't care anymore, which he noticed. I stopped asking him to make time for me. I stopped begging him to talk to me, to pay attention to me. Once he noticed the difference, I explained to him that I wasn't trying anymore if he wasn't trying, if the effort wasn't reciprocated. I have ONE life, and only a short amount of time in which to live it. Yes, I love him. Yes, I want to spend almost every waking hour WITH HIM, but I'm not his keeper, his maid, his babysitter, his cook, etc. Those things come AFTER a good relationship foundation is built and SUSTAINED. I told him that I was in danger of having an affair, even tho I was but a newlywed, because he was always too busy for ME & our relationship. He was so busy he couldn't find the time to talk to me. I had to try and schedule sex with him......which was utterly humiliating as a newlywed, it broke my heart.....still makes me want to cry to acknowledge that and say it out loud. And I also told him how angry I was at him for marrying me & then leaving me alone in our relationship, for abandoning me as a partner......told him that he had TRICKED me saying he wanted to be WITH me, and then once he HAD me (legally/marriage), wasn't WITH me at all. Him marrying me was him just trying to make sure no one else could have me.



Some people think this was an ultimatum that I presented to him. I don't see it that way. I made a personal choice and conscious decision about what kind of relationship I wanted, and how I wanted to live my life. I expressed that honestly and without committing adultery or any other moral sin against my husband/family. He had his choice too, to either step into the relationship fully & participate, or to step away. He stepped in. I want to think it's because I respected and cared about myself enough to take care of and not lose ME in the mix of the relationship & all that goes with it. So many women get swallowed up in other roles than being that partner, soul mate. That role is really quite different that being a man's wife, mother to his kids, care-taker of the home.....very, very different. Lose that, and you've lost the connection.

Christy - posted on 11/02/2009

1

20

0

I have been married 27 1/2 years and have 3 children, ages 18, 15, and 10, so I know where you are coming from when you talk about feeling exhausted and not having any "couple time". (It will get better as your children get older.) My advice . . . seek out a trustworthy baby-sitter to give you a break. Even if you only "get away" for an hour or two (doing something you enjoy or doing nothing at all, like napping) you will be amazed at how your batteries will start to re-charge. If finances are a factor, maybe you could trade off a favor for a friend for her help. I am also married to a hunter . . . so I understand how being able to get out in nature is a wonderful stress reliever for your husband. You need that "stress reliever" too! As you start to re-charge, try to remember the good points about your husband, and try to do something kind for him each day. These things do not have to be "big". A sweet note left in the car or in his lunch would be a nice surprise. Let him know that you appreciate his hard work for the family, no one likes to feel "taken for granted". The love that you give will come back to you! My BEST ADVICE . . . draw close to the Lord! HE knows your needs, and cares for you. Invite HIM to be part of your family. HIS blessings are wonderful! HE will carry you through all situations if you put your trust in HIM. My church family is a wonderful support to me . . . if you do not have a church family, let me encourage you to seek out a Church of Christ in your area. I love my husband dearly and with God's help, our love for each other will never end. I hope that this helps! May God bless with that which is best!

Priscilla - posted on 11/02/2009

1

13

0

Its incredibly hard i know.....my suggestion is a liitle different yes I do agree about the time together and the fireproof movie....but heres what i think HE NEEDS A WAKE UP CALL lol. Hes not going to want to carve time together cause youre out of sync soooo You do something. You rope in a friend to babysit and while hes hunting on sunday you do something for you. Get a haircut and or manicure. Do something shocking with your style. Dress cute and wear makeup even if you are just gonna go to a friends house and do your hair and nails. Come back around the time he will and lets see how he reacts. Let him see you are still the woman he fell in love with. Hope it works let us know....hey it worked for me lol

SHONTRESE - posted on 11/02/2009

1

21

0

GIRL I GO THROUGH THE SAME SHIT WITH MINE. HE GETS ON MY DAMN NERVES SOMETIMES I ENJOY THE ME TIME.BUT I DO SEE WHERE YOU COMING FROM. HAVE YALL THOUGHT ABOUT SEEING A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR. DON'T GIVE UP JUST TRY AND WORK IT OUT. I JUST NEED TO SPEND A LITTLE MORE TIME TOGETHER. HAVE YALL THOUGHT ABOUT GOING AWAY FOR A WEEKEND.YALL BEEN TOGETHER FOR 7 YEARS DON'T JUST GIVE UP.

Wendy - posted on 11/02/2009

13

4

0

Hi Erin!

My husband and I have been together almost 4 yrs now with an 8 month old. He works a full time job usually from 7am-6pm most days of the week while I stay @ home with the baby all day. I completely understand being too tired @ the end of the day to want to have sex or even make it though a movie. We went through a lot of terrible arguments because we were both really stressed from lengthy unemployment and money issues. We just sat down and talked to each other and really listened to how the other felt. I believe communication is really key to a healthy relationship. Also sex is equally important. Really try to have sex @ least once a week and make time to cuddle and talk in bed @the end of the day. I would really suggest switching to a day time job as well. There are day cares and learning centers that offer their services based on income. Look for your local "mommy day out" programs so you can get out on your own or have some free time with your hubby. My husband and I go on a long walk almost every night to our local lake park with our daughter and we talk about anything and everything. We make sure to plan a date night @ least 1x per month, even if it's just having a romantic dinner@home with some nice wine. But, honestly it's best just to get away from the kids for awhile to just be a couple or even have some quiet time to yourselves which is equally important. Throughout the day remember to kiss, hug, hold hands, and talk. Maybe re-live some of the things that you used to enjoy before the kids came along. I was always told that marraige is work and it's true. You really have to put a lot of effort into having a happy, healthy, everlasting marraige. You two love each other you both just need to re-kindle the lust and communication. I hope this has been some help and good luck to you and your husband. God bless you and your family! : )

Corinthia - posted on 11/02/2009

1

0

0

Baby girl my advice to you is stay focus and encourage. It sounds like both of you want your marriage. So pray! Try to put God first and ask him everyday to show you how to be a better wife to you husband or vice versa. Marriage takes work, but it's worth it. That time that you all don't have together leave little notes or cards around for him to find to let him know that you care. Or send cheesy txt messages. Anything that will keep that fire and love flowing. And try getting those kids to bed a little earlier. Sunday is you alls me time, so make it that way. Sweetie I will be praying for you, but stay encourage and remeber no fussing men hate that. Insead ask him what does he suggest or just turn the other cheech until things cool down. Cause remember they have feelings as well.

Kay - posted on 11/02/2009

1

5

0

No not at all you have to adjust to the kids and men seem not able to give the most important thing themselves they are very baby like in that. If you have family close I sujest may be nanny can take the kids one night every so oftenand give youguys a little time alone? I worked with a sick child and another a little older and my husband did the same thing. We have now been married 32years and weathered the 7 year itch.

Tera - posted on 11/01/2009

3

8

0

I read quite a few posts. So many people suggest talking it out, "find time to talk it out." I totally disagree with that! Women like to talk it out. Thats just what we do. Men are not like that at all. That is the last thing they want to do. Men are people of action. Talking through an "issue" will only tune them out. I'm pretty sure when women start complaining or tell them we need to talk, all they hear is WA wa WA wa WA from Charlie Brown. So instead of talking it out, start acting like you are madly in love with him. Jump him when he first walks in the door. Tell him you're going to take a shower and want him to join you. (Obviously, make sure the kids are asleep or at your parents for a few hours). In short - acting like you love him will help bring those memories back to you. And you will in turn start feeling those emotions more and more and so will he. Try this for a bit. Trust me it works. Also.... buy or check out from the library a book from Dr Laura called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, she also has one called the Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. Both are excellent for getting your marriage back on track. Following her advice helped me and my marriage immensely! I owe her tons! Good luck to you!

[deleted account]

Being a parent is one of the most enervating and wearing occupations in life. It's hard work, exhausting, unpaid yet completely unmissable and full of times to cherish. However... being a parent does not make being an individual unimportant. The two parts of you are not mutually exclusive, it sounds as though your husband is striving to maintain some independence and maybe you need to do that also. Is there an interest you have which can give you some 'me time' at all? Not being a full-time parent does not mean you are an uncaring person, being a whole person because you get more out of life than just your husband and children is as valuable to them as it is to you. There's no such thing as the 7 year itch (why seven years? Makes no sense), but growing up is hard to do and sometimes men are the slowest to achieve this. Have faith in yourself... I believe in you and we don't even know each other! Don't put yourself in second place.

Victoria - posted on 11/01/2009

0

19

0

I HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE THIS WILL HAPPEN A COUPLE OF TIMES IN MARRIAGE. IT IS A PART OF WELL MARRIAGE. YOU BOTH NEED TIME FOR EACHTOHER. YOU BOTH ARE TIERD AND OVERWHELMED. NOW THIS WON'T BE EASY FINDING TIME TO GET TOGETHER AND TALK IT OUT. THAT HAS TO BE DONE TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE IT IS AMAZING HOW LACK OF COMMUNICATION CAN TURN YOUR BESTFRIEND INTO YOUR ENEMY. YOU BOTH ARE NOT ON THE SAME PAGE WELL HERE COMES THE TIME TO WORK AT IT. STAY UP LATER TO SEE EACHOTHER PUT THE KIDS TO BED EARLIER TO SPEND TIME. IN THAT TIME DON'T WATCH TV REALLY TALK TO EACHOTHER NO ONE WANTS TO FILL THAT THEY ARE GOING THROUGH LIFE ALONE SHOW HIM YOU WANT TO UNDERSTAND HIM AND YOU BOTH ARE WALKING THIS ROAD TOGETHER.

Emma - posted on 11/01/2009

6

12

2

me and my partner have 2 kids one 5 and just had a little girl 11 months now but we dnt spend much time together when he comes in at midnight im fallin asleep then he falls asleep. he sleeps on the couch and im in bed our sex life has gone to we dnt sleep together cuddle or anythin and im not blamin the berns for it its just if he dnt work we dnt have money. i no its awful not been with the ones you love its lonely for us mums. i try to do everythin but nothin works but how about sendin nice texts or just givin him a ring to see how he is and hope he might do the same in return. dnt try to be to full on i tried that and i pushed my partner away and it caused fights and arguments so i just relax do little things like texts and that and try to suggest things and i wouldnt worry about this 7 year hitch thing. you just have to try work round thing but he must try to it cant all be one sided. im not very good with words but i hope you no wot i mean and wot im tryin to get at take care and i hope things work out x

Brandy - posted on 11/01/2009

41

16

1

I havent been married for 7 years but almost 4 and I am glad to hear that the only day you guys have to spend together he goes hunting because my husband used to do that to me and i used to get so upset and mad about it because I thought if i have to stay home so should he.. And it caused us to fight and we almost split up. I was talking to my dad one day about all i really wanted was to spend time with him I didnt even care what it was we were doing. So my dad said well if you dont care about what you are doing why dont you take your hunters safety class and go with him when he goes hunting? Well i hadnt thought of that!! After I told my husband I signed up to take the class he was soo excited he never invited me because he didnt think i would like it. But I do love it and after i finished the class he bought me my first gun and everything. So now when we spend time together thats what we are doing. And those long rides on the mountain you have all this time to catch up and get to know each other again. I have learned sometimes you have to give a little to get a little.. But i hope you guys have worked things out and it turns out for you! Because your kids need both of ya! Well heres to hoping all is swell!

Billie - posted on 11/01/2009

3

10

0

Erin,

I know that date nights can get expensive, but the best thing to do is

1. Getting a friend or family member to watch your kids for free

2. Go some place that doesn't cost money..there are alot of places like this...check out your newspaper. OR you could go back to your house...watch a movie or play games together.

3. Remember why the two of you fell in love...what was it about husband that made you fall in love with him. Use these ideas to make him a speical dinner or dessert. (never forget why, where and how you fell in love).

This is coming from somebody who has been married for almost 26 years and still going strong. We had our problems in the begin just like all couples...but fight for your husband.

I wish you the best of luck...May you be giving somebody this same advise when you hit your 26 year!!

Lisa - posted on 11/01/2009

5

9

1

It's so important to get a babysitter and take some time to re-connect through talking and sharing, like you used to do before the kids came along. You need to open up about how you love him and feel that it's not being reciprocated because of the daily grind; let him know that you are willing to work things out and re-connect. Don't wait, get grandpa or grandma to watch the kids for a day and an evening and really spend some time together alone. I wish you both the best!

Jackie - posted on 11/01/2009

1

14

0

don,t worry too much every married couple go through this weather the storm but make sure you always cuddle at night in bed do some of your best talking in bed your much more relaxed then things will happen all by themselves good luck

Debbie - posted on 11/01/2009

9

9

0

Everyone has great ideas and during different season of the year keep them in mind. However, during Rut season in deer season Sunday and any free time he has is not going to work with church or him baby sitting while you go out. If he is a Bow hunter then that will be till the end of January before the end of the season. This lifestyle is not typically understood. He is gone at 5:30am back around noon; naps and back out at 4:00 and returns after dark. Very hard on a women with little ones. Especially when she hasn't had a break from the week. He is disconnected when women do it all. I don't know how you run your household but remember your way isn't always needed. If he will help let him do what works for him...don't tell him how. Get him plugged in during the week, leave and have a day/night (2 hours) that is yours. Leave I love you notes in hidden places that he will find. Special dinners..?? The work is on your plate, which is hard but it is the reality. Well worth the rewards later. When you take care of yourself; he will see the women he fell in love with when you become less needy. You have to make it look appealing to join in with you and the kids. At some point in your lives hunting will be a priority for a man always. Know that is is stress/sanity release. You want him to have that. You need the same. Communicating that is important. God in your lives the answer.

Renee - posted on 11/01/2009

1

13

0

I have been married for 30 years and all I can tell you is marriage is work. After the "new love feelings" wear off and the day to day routines start taking a toll on you both it really does become hard to even find time to talk let alone remember what brought you two together in the first place. You really do need time to reconnect at least once a month...away from the house and the children. Do you have realitives or friends that could watch the little ones while you and your husband have some "adult" time together? Another thing to remember is you guys need to talk to each other not at each other, really listen to one another. Some good reading (I know its hard to find time to read with small ones) is Gary Chapman. He really does have some great advice for marriages. I can tell you there will be tough times in any marriage but if you love one another and find time for each other you will see it through. Be careful who you surround yourself with, friends can really hurt a marriage by giving bad advice.

[deleted account]

my dear I am no expert on anything but I do know that you have to have God in ur lives & thru him he will heal what needs to be ..I have been married 20 years & we just got back w/God in the last 2 years our marriage has always been good but it sure got alot better w/God!! hope it all works out for u!!!! God Bless you & your's

Vivian - posted on 10/31/2009

4

4

0

i don't know about the seven years of itch, but this is for sure. you have your hands full , and it's understood, with three under the age of five. think about what it took to get him. make a come back for it. let the family member take the kids for that sunday you two are off. plane a nice quite place away from from home, you have a computer get on it, find free, and cheep places you can go to be alone. give him suprises when he come home, such as you leaving his favorite out, for him to get. candles on the bathtub a nice drink for a nitecap, slippers, just the small things mean so such for a man, because they have a lots of kids in them, they will cry or act like a baby if they are ill or hurt their finger. you must give this back to them, because this is who they are. don't worry about yourself, beacuse it you put back in the relationship, he will in return start takinf care of you. sometime when there are small babies as yours, it can be more than a man want to deal with, not saying that he doesn't love his kids, i know he does. you will also find ways to get out for yourself you own it to you to just take a hour out maybe to play bingo, or somthing yo like, but don't spend too much time out, then he might get the wrong ideal, goodluck.

Leslie - posted on 10/31/2009

7

14

1

Hubbies always feel left out when there are little ones requiring most of your attention. Going to church together weekly helps a lot, arranging for child care with relatives and going away for a weekend, couple retreats, etc. are all great when you can save money to do those things. Put a little away at a time. Best of all is to treat your man like the man you want him to be. You have to find out what love language he speaks. It's either a) physical tough, b) words of affirmation, c) gifts, or d) quality time. Usually it's the one he uses on you the most. Is he touchy feely? Does he say a lot of nice things to you? Does he buy you gifts when he's being his sweetest? I don't know if it's quality time if he goes hunting every Sunday. I think that it's out by process of elimination. Anyway, whatever it is, you need to give him a lot of that. Many men are physical touch. And that's tough for a non-physical. But hugs, touches to the hand, the face, touch them all the time when you walk by. Grab his hand, etc. All of that means a great deal, including the good stuff.

And you've probably figured out your love language by just reading this. So you need to communicate to him your love language. That way he knows how you feel loved the most. Once you start speaking each other's language fluently, things will vastly improve. ;)

Cassandra - posted on 10/31/2009

1

21

0

I'm reading a great book a the moment of which I highly recommend called Every Woman's Battle - discovering God's Plan for Sexual and Emotional Filfillment by Shannon Ethridge. Gets right into the nitty gritty. Personally I can relate to your situation. I've been married now 11 years and we have three young children too. Recognise the season of the life you're in. Do not be quick to lay blame on the kids, work, husband or anything. Just an aknowledgment of what is going on - is a huge step forward in making some positive changes. You can and will get through this time. Many before you have and many after you will too.

Chasity - posted on 10/31/2009

1

12

0

I am sorry to hear that you and your husband are having a difficult time. My opinion is that stress affects men and women totally different, we have a tendency to want everything to be perfect and men just want comfortable. If I were you I would ask myself when did this start? What was the change in our relationship? Maybe he is under stress about making sure his family has everything you need? I'm not sure. Maybe sneaking in a date night at home if you can get off. Find someone to watch the kids and when he comes home have a picnic set up in the living room with appetizers and wine/beer, and you can enjoy each others company and talk about the old times when you first got together. Maybe you just need a reminder of why you feel in love with each other. Good luck. I will pray for you and your family.

Debbie - posted on 10/31/2009

9

9

0

Fighting, learn to ignore the baited responses..He is pushing your buttons. Don't let him react the opposite of what you normally do. Usually, they are just throwing you off the topic. So, stay on topic by saying nothing until the real issue can be addressed.

Debbie - posted on 10/31/2009

9

9

0

Everything you describe..I endured and still married 20 years later but neither of us gave up on our family or marriage. Lonely, unhappy, and extremely happy I did the time because if I had bailed I still would have to go through similar issues with someone else. You still carry the baggage to the next marriage if you decide to divorce. Why..you have so much invested where you are at. Stay true with your original commitment and there is a light at the end of the tunnel with more growing pains.. like what happens after all the kids leave and don't need you 24/7. All part of life and growing old with someone you love.

Debbie - posted on 10/31/2009

9

9

0

Prayer for your husband. Know how to pray. Change does come but it may not be the following day.. Understand the answer may be 20 years later. God did that for me, so 5 years.. 7 years 12 years has no bearing because you married for eternity. Love is enduring ; not a feeling. Love them for who they are and who they will become because you love them. First, love yourself.

Marcel - posted on 10/31/2009

1

0

0

here's my advice...First pray alot, make God no.1 and remember if one of you decides not to agrue the other can't agrue by themself. It is hard to stay quiet when someone is poking at you with their words, but if you can control your own words (or no words) the argument will stop. Second, go ahead and make yourself act like you would like to feel like acting. Some times even if you don't feel like it, a hug or "can I get you a glass of tea" really helps, and sooner or later you do feel better about everything.

Debbie - posted on 10/31/2009

9

9

0

I have been married for 20 years and my husband hunts deer and turkey.. and Bass Fisherman. Teacher and Football coach. When we were married we had children immediately. There was never lets get back to what "we use to have" nor should it be. As you get older and increase time in your marriage you should be growing together. Sometimes that is apart from each other.. Should always remember sex is his connection to you and with little ones .. He has no connection like you do. You are the one to pull him in to create a family. Date night..is spending time together talking and getting away as he does hunting. He needs to keep hunting but he needs to understand you need separation just as he does. Take care of yourself!!! You are a better mom and wife. Remember, your priorities should be the foundation of marriage. My priority change in order to remove "Chaos" God 1st, Husband second then family. As moms we forget our children are not our first priority but their needs must be managed. He is a partner who will connect when you connect with him. You are neglecting him ...so he neglects you. You are the only way he can be connected to all of you.

Gabriella - posted on 10/31/2009

1

7

0

im kinda having da smpe problem. but my husband seems to not want to talk to me and ignores me all da time. he seems so happy wit others but wen it cums to me he seems to be very unhappy...help please wat can i do??

Desiree - posted on 10/31/2009

6

12

1

get the movie fire proof and both of you need to set aside time to watch it together, the you both need to get a book to create a journal, for the first three days write five things that he does that make you mad and five things he does that ake you happy. don't share the first five until the second nite, this gives him time to do his as well. you have to make time for this project in order to see the results, you can not get upset for the way he feels, start the second week off with the daily journals, pick at least two days per week to express your lournal writings to your husband and he has to do the same, this builds the communication in your marriage, choose to hunt with hime once a month and he has to choos an activity that you like to do once a month, then the children need their parent family time twice a month, plan for family dinner once a week, this will help in changing alot of issues in the home, learn to listen without response, get the book caled 28 ways to raise amaizing kids, not only for the children but it has great information in it for listening and respect, i will be praying for you and your family, best wishes

Pat - posted on 10/31/2009

1

11

0

People expect there to be one harmonious feeling in marriage and the trick is to figure out if this is just a variation on what is good in marriage (simply a dry period) or something else.

Renee - posted on 10/31/2009

1

8

0

Hi

First suggestion is to make sure you have sit down and have dinner together every night before you go to work. It sounds like a corny commercial, but it works and is good modeling for your kids as well. Next, do you like hunting? Perhaps you should go with him once a month and enjoy the outdoors together, even if you don't hunt it would be a good day away together. Then ask him if he could take one Sunday and join you in something you like to do. Lastly, if you can't work it out like this, you need counseling. Sometimes hearing the same things from a non-biased person really puts things into perspective. My husband heard the same things from our counselor that I had been saying, but then it wasn't just me whining and complaining. It validated what Ihad been trying to say. Good luck, andmake that family/couple time together.

Renee, Idaho

Toni - posted on 10/31/2009

4

11

0

Erin honey. I would not worry bout that stupid 7 yr itch. He is just as tired as you are and does not have the time either. I have been w/my hubby for 21 yrs. Married 17. We were a blind date. We have 3 beautiful teenage daughters. That being said we are separated only because I will not move to the city he works. I will not put my/our girls in that environment. I'm a small town country girl, he's from Long Island NY (also a world traveler) not me. He works and lives in Nashville. Just not going to happen. He comes in on the weekend. I have pretty much always been a stay-at-home mama. I know this is babble to you, but I'm getting to the point. It is not about you and your husband anymore. Its about the kids. They are your main focus period. I love my husband too, but my girls come first. As far as the arguments go: ask yourself is this going to keep me from breathing; is this going to keep the sun from coming up and setting; is it going to really matter enough to upset yourself over; and last but not least how would you feel if some tragic happened to him? See if you keep it in prospective it will all fall into space. If the fights are about money, girl jus let that go. Nothing good will ever come from that. If they are about him not spend time with his children - his loss. If its cuz he is not makin time for you - just remember the precious ones you do have. If you're mad or upset or he starts walk away. Go to another room. The more you feed into it the worse it gets. Sometimes the best medicine is just saying nothing. Good luck and keep up the good work with your children.

W - posted on 10/31/2009

1

0

0

My wife Rachel and I had very similar problems in which I would be very selfish to her and for myself by drinking in the evenings watching tv and being in any room that she was not. I would use the time we had that was "free" time and not really have her in it. Erin or any other ladies that are reading this you must make a choice in your marrage now. Rachel with drew from me totally. She told me that for the last two years that she felt like she was living with a room mate not a husband/ lover. I asked her if she loved me still? She replied that if something were to happen to me she knows that she would care about me that way but to answer my question directly she said that she was not in love with me, that part of her had been chipped away. It was devistating to me. I had hardened my wife, best friend, lover's heart from loving me. I decided to make a radical change in my life. I did not care what my guy friends thought of me or my side of the family was thinking of my choices. All I cared about was resurrecting my marrage and love with my wife and children. May I suggest to you Terrance Real's The New Rules of Marraige. Very comprehensive and both you and your spouse get to do Q and A together! Erin don't go down the dark path that Rachel did in which you with draw from your love, but with that said if your husband does not change for you and your children it might be inevitable. You can only dwell on this matter so long before you either keep accepting it or move on. I will pray for you and your family and that your husband will accept your invitation should you go that way to intimacy and verbal communication. If you would like to talk further on this matter or anyone else in this type of situation just drop me an email at onetuffflyer@aol.com or on circle of moms link. Just to let you know Erin it's been almost three months since my wife Rachel and I had that talk on our marriage and we have a marriage that is being resurrected!! If your doing all you can then ask your husband to do all he can and to put aside pride and ego for the family and your marriage. My prayers for you all. William Smith

Melissa - posted on 10/31/2009

6

17

0

Hi Erin, I totally understand what you are going through. Juggling children, work and a marriage it hard work. Sometimes I think you just have to take it one day at a time and stay committed even when you don't feel the love. I agree with Christina, Fireproof is a really awesome movie and may help you see from another perspective. I would also recommend reading "The five love languages". It not only helps to understand the way different people feel loved but it also gives practical exercises for getting your spouse to open up and start a discussion. I hope this helps you. God Bless you!

April - posted on 10/31/2009

1

20

0

This will pass, me and my husband went thru it for 3 yrs.. I didn't want him to touch me, I was so tired all the time and hormonal... Get those checked, that would be my advice and realize this will pass... My husband works days I work nights....Ur husband does need to help u get the kids to sleep and on Sundays...

Cheryl - posted on 10/31/2009

78

82

3

Its not so easy to be understanding with a man who doesn't understand that we have emotions as well....more so, in fact. If they cannot be a companion to us, we do feel disconnected and/or even rejected - if the only time he has to be with you, even as a family, is a Sunday, then he shouldn't go out every Sunday and leave you at home to look after the children. It took two of you to make the children, and it should take two of you to care for them. You are not just the babysitter. I get quite mad at men for not taking our feelings into account. I've been married for 5 times the "7" years, and it only gets worse, if something isn't done in the early years. Why does it always land on our heads?? My son will NEVER allow his wife to do anything regarding their children all by herself. He is there all the time, when he's not working, giving his share, and he told me that its not fair on anyone to expect that of their wives. Some guys do expect it all !!!

Renea - posted on 10/30/2009

1

14

0

It's a give and take. So, even though you may both work, it should be mutual the time that is spent together. I know men love to hunt and i love it too. but, it's hard with a 2 yr old. He has to realize what comes first and make some time for you and the kids. Even if it means coming home early from a hunt. You are important and so is your family. There are ways to even things out. You just have to balance work and home life. Just sit down and set a special time for the two of you even if it's nap time for the kids. An hour does alot for a relationship. :) Your not alone been there many times. Good luck:)

Carolyn - posted on 10/30/2009

1

3

0

If you want to save your marriage, try going to a good Bible base church, and ask the lord to help you. The only way you can make it in this world is to ask Jesus into your heart, read your Bible and ask the good Lord to guide you. Hang in there, the children will be grown and gone one day and then it will be you two. May you find Jesus and your faith grow stronger.

Tamina - posted on 10/30/2009

7

14

0

Quoting Deborah:

I recommend a really good book: The five love languages by Gary Chapman. Both of you need to read it. It can teach you how to speak to your spouse again in their "LOVE LANGUAGE". This is an excellent book.



This is a great set of books!!  I have several of them!!  Good call!!

Tamina - posted on 10/30/2009

7

14

0

My husband and I have had the same problems. We've been together for 15 years. The thing that is working for us right now is learning how to communicate better. I know you may think you talk and that's not the problem. That's what I thought. We've taken anger management classes to teach us how to have disagreements in a healthy way. We have read books and attended free lectures on how to effectively communicate with people. I promise it works! We are still working on it, and it's working for us!! Give it a try. I HIGHLY recommend the anger management workshop to everyone! It's really a great tool to have whether you are dealing with your spouse, parent, child, sibling, friend, store clerk............whoever!! Very helpful information. Good luck Erin!

[deleted account]

men are like boys...can you have someone watch the kids for the weekend? try surprising him with a weekend away with just the two of you...they want all of the attention...

User - posted on 10/30/2009

2

3

0

I know this will sound odd but SEX men feel conected to there wives threw sex it releases a hormone that conects them to us. Unfortunatly it is usualy at a time when you dont want a lot to do with him. Just make your self do it at least three times a week. His mood will improve. It worked for me We got threw the 7 year and the 14 year itch. Even now when we feel a litle disconected I jump in the shower with him it makes things better. It wont fix evrything but it helps, And aftre 3 kids I can use the exersize:-)

Melanie - posted on 10/30/2009

441

23

58

It's normal to be feeling stressed and thinking that your marriage is failing. But I have been with my husband for 8 yrs now. We've had our ups and downs as well as having a special needs child thrown into the mix. We struggle finding time to be a husband & wife not just parents. I think you need to persevere. If you really love your husband then you both have to compromise. You need time to be together and I know it's hard work but life wouldn't be life if it was easy. Your situation of working different shifts is making things harder. But i think that regardless of how tired you both are you both need to feel like a couple. Going out usually is expensive, so we have treat nights at home. I think the whole thing of a 7yr itch is crap. The 1st year of marriage is the best. Your now with your husband long enough that you now need to get inventive. I hope you can come up with a way of making time for yourselves. It is hard when the kids are so young. Our son spends a lot of time at the hospital so sometimes we won't actual spend time together for about a week (other kid is 6 yrs old & doesn't need disruptions). It's all about finding a happy medium. I hope you can work through this. xx

[deleted account]

I recommend a really good book: The five love languages by Gary Chapman. Both of you need to read it. It can teach you how to speak to your spouse again in their "LOVE LANGUAGE". This is an excellent book.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms