Marraige Problem - Please don't judge

Eman - posted on 08/25/2013 ( no moms have responded yet )

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I am an orphan from the Middle East (Arab country), I lived with a great lady who adopted me when I little. She gave me everything I could dream of and never for once treated me like am not her own. I was all what she got and we lived together with no man in the house. I met a man who is older than me by 11 years who I fall in love with as he was my friend brother and we got married although my Mother disapproved it. I am while and he is black (not that any of this matters but just so you know) I have been married since 1999. My husband was so very over protective and always have an idea that am cheating or going to cheat on him cause he was fat, not that good looking, not rich and not well educated at least that is what is been going on in his mind. I tried so many times to explain that am not going to do that to you yet he didn't believe me. My Mom passed away in 2002 and I had my first child 1 year back. She was all I have and after her it was only me, my husband, my son and my husband family. They were mean and caused me some problems on the long run yet they have changed and the treated me better. I started working after I dropped collage to support my family. Work was a new place to me and interacting with people was great. He on the other hand felt threat by it and said that I've changed ever since I got this job and kept saying the same thing about all the jobs I get into knowing that my jobs salary are much more than his. By time he started to abuse me physically. I even ran away because he wanted to hit me with a metal thing over his sick doubts. He even accused me to have an affair with his nephew who is way younger than me! He never says what lovers shares with each other and the sex become like a mandatory thingy in most times. And what made it really worst is the inner feeling inside of me that tells me he is cheating on me. I ignored it till one day my best friend called me and told me my husband called her and hit on her!!! and when I faced him with the evidence he denied it all although he was saving her number under another name and it was clear that he made a 10 min's call length from his cell while I was at my work. Eventually he forbid me from talking that the friend of mine clamming she is nothing but a bad person who wants to destroy our marriage. Off course I didn't believe me but I acted like it for my children sake and for his sake as once I left him and ran off for a week and he had no idea where I was and that almost killed him so I felt like I owe him for that.
I got really tired and needed some friends to share my thoughts with since he didn't like the idea of me having friends so I turned to the net and made many friends there. By time one of them grew closer to me and surprisingly we found many things we share and I swear to God no one ever understood me the way he did even though he was younger than I am. After pulling back so many times I decided to be more than just a friend of him for it was so convenient since he knew nothing about me and he lives far away, in this case I can never have a sexual relation with him as what I was looking for in the first place was love, care and mostly understanding. We stayed together for few years. We exchanged pictures, voice records and gifts even. I used to call him everyday from work where I only be away from my husband. He made me laugh and truly feel pretty and wanted. He used to feel me when am sad or in a bad mode without me telling him and I did the same. Long story short he is my soul mate.
One day my husband and I got into a fight and he gone really mad and looked into my stuff and he found a memory card I was hiding that holds my pictures that I sent to that man and his as well. He was shocked and surprisingly he was "CALM" he talked to me and asked why? how? who? and I was honest with him. By the end he decided he wants to give me a second chance and made me swear I never contact that person again, which I did.
It was really hard to cope with his swingy mode that in sometimes I really wish he didn't forgive me and just let me go yet I stayed and I knew it's his right to feel so bad and I deserve what is happening to me. Few months later I found out that he is talking to some girl over the phone and he pays hell of money to charge his cell and call her. I gathered all the evidence I need and faced him yet he denied it "as always" and said it's just business and FYI she is "BLIND" I mean really!!!! Luckily she called while his cell was with me and I opened the line without saying anything and I heard her voice and the way she talks "We are ladies and I think you know how" and I got really pissed off and I opened the subject again yet nothing! the same reaction he denied! I just wanted him to say: "Yes I did it! I did it cause of ...... and am so sorry, can we try to be better person instead of stabbing each other in the back" but no that wasn't what I heard.
I thought this is Karma for sure and I carried it in my heart. I stopped eating, lost weight and barley sleep right. I kept my eyes open on him and every few days I found something new. Finally I saw him texting girls with this sexy type of flirting and posting his cell number asking them to call him "ONLY" during his work shift!! I confront him again and this time he said" Yes, I did it" and am telling you he only said that cause it was as clear as the sun. I didn't find the proper apology instead I found him comparing what he did to what I did, it's like he is saying: You should be grateful that this is the far I can get"!!!
By time and so many fights and problems we somehow walking this road again together, filled with promises and trying to show each other the respect we deserve by not letting anything in the dark no matter how tinny it is. He is treating me in a very good way now, I mean no abuse and he really tries to be romantic. He keeps his cell with me all the time, his ATM card and he share his pay slip with me every month. He is always at home and he never travel alone. I feel much better knowing he is making an effort but now the problem is with me cause I want to trust him very badly but am afraid to get hurt again and be a fool. How can I trust him and back off his shoulders? I don't want to have this urge to search his cell or check his bank balance, I can’t live like that! I need peace to let go and move on. It's crazy, am talking to myself all the time trying to prove myself right sometimes and trying to prove myself wrong in others. Please help, am living in a hell.


P.S:
1. please consider the place am from cause I know many thing doesn't apply for western women.
2. I have 2 children's. The boy is 13 and the girl is 4

Thank you in advance.

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