Marriage with a cheating spouse

Georgina - posted on 02/07/2015 ( 53 moms have responded )

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I am thinking of just accepting my husbands cheating on me and looking the other way to stay married. I have two children 16 and 11 and am 19 weeks pregnant. My husband would like to stay married to me if we could have an "open" marriage. Can this work? What lessons would I be teaching my children? I can take the humiliation but I don't want my children to be embarrassed by their parents? He is a good father and provider. He will not even consider counseling. Apparently his parents had the same relationship. I have tried to talk to my mother in law but she doesn't want to take sides. I am a stay at home mom and am terrified of raising three children by myself. I am seriously considering this......

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/09/2015

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Georgina,

YOU HAVE TO STOP. You are doing what you can to 'keep' him, up to and including giving in to his demands for unprotected sex.

MARRIAGE DOES NOT EQUAL FREE SEX. If he cannot comply with your wishes for protection, HE DOESN'T GET TO HAVE INTERCOURSE WITH YOU.

An attorney will help you get the ball rolling. Women's groups and shelters can help you get on your feet. The longer you stay, the harder it will be, he'll continue to rape you and possibly give you an illness, he'll continue to take advantage of you.

Jodi - posted on 02/09/2015

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Georgina, go and find a counsellor to talk to. A counsellor will have resources to help you if you make the decision to leave. They will have organisations they can refer you to to help you through this process and be a strong mother for your children. Also talk to a good family lawyer about your options and what your next steps should be. This is a way you can get your ducks in a row before you tell your husband you are done.

Michelle - posted on 02/08/2015

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The comment you said about you having to be a better wife is very sad. That's what abused women say.
Your husband should love you for who you are and not "expect" you to change. He doesn't NEED to have sex with other women, he WANTS to. There is a big difference between wants and needs.
What about your happiness? Why don't you deserve a partner that loves you and treats you like a princess?
I feel that you would benefit from some counselling to help you gain more self esteem and not be treated like this by someone who supposedly loves you.

Sarah - posted on 02/08/2015

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He does not NEED to have you as a wife and then get girls on the side. That is a WANT. That is also not what marriage is about. Marriage is a commitment between two people. What you want to do in your situation is your choice as it is something you will have to live with. For me I require people to treat me with respect and dignity. So for me I would not accept this. When my husband and I were dating he was flirting with another girl. I flat out told him that if that is what he wanted to do then I was gone. I loved him, but I also wanted that same love back from him and the respect I deserved. I had enough self-esteem in myself to know that I could require that and get that.

As for hiding it from the kids that does not work. They will know no matter what you try to do. Kids see things and hear things. It could be another kid in their class that says something. It could be another parent that says something. Or a group of parents talking together and your child over hears. He could be sleeping with one of your kid's friends mother. It could be a relative that says something and your kids hear it. It could be something you and your husband are talking about late at night and your child wakes up and hears. It is just like an abused woman saying that my kids never knew about the abuse. .......that is them trying to convince themselves it is not as bad as it really is. Your kids will know. They will make opinions of the situation of you and of your husband. Just like the kids in an abusive home tend to end up with a spouse or boyfriend that is abusive the same will be with your situation. Your kids have a much much higher rate of being in a relationship with a cheating spouse.

As for your statement about other women with cheating husbands......yes there are others. There are also others that have left their husbands and feel better for doing so. There are also others where there is no cheating.

I would say If you do stay you will want to use condoms and do regular STD testing as you have a high risk of contracting an STD from your husband......no matter if he says he uses a condom or not. I would also not trust anything he would say. He has proven already that he can't be trusted.

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Sarah - posted on 02/13/2015

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You said this once already...that if he did not give up his mistress and promise to be faithful, you would leave. You confronted him and he said he wanted an open marriage.
You went to a lawyer and he is panicked, he will say anything to keep his image, housekeeper and lover at his side.....
How often will you repeat this pattern? Until your daughter is the step-mom of a child from an extramarital affair? Until your son gives his own wife herpes? When will it be enough?
Your husband is an adulterer, and he will continue to be one because his own parents taught him that it is acceptable. If you are willing to degrade yourself and stay married to a man who will not be faithful to you, that is your choice. Do not assume that I do not know exactly how you feel.

Georgina - posted on 02/13/2015

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I am Episcopalian and my church seems to have strong family values and one of our priests is a woman. I am so sorry that everyone is so upset with me, but I do think I owe it to my husband to try and save our marriage and keep our family intact. I love him but do not trust him and I will be watching. Any more cheating and he is out of my home...and my attorney can have him. Just not ready to give up......yet.

Sarah - posted on 02/13/2015

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Wait...Mennonite? I thought that was a joke. Are you a Mennonite? If so, then sadly your faith does influence your behavior. I do not believe that any woman should be forced to comply to the wishes of an abusive spouse. (yes your hubby is abusive) I have seen many faithful women follow the doctrine of their church to such an extreme that their own individuality disappears. Georgina, you are already a ghost of a woman, who believes that a man who brings a paycheck and does no beat her body is a "good" man. I pray that you find the strength to leave or at the very, very least teach your children this is not love, this is not healthy and this is not how God intends us to live. Your son will become an adulterer and your daughter a victim of abuse and the recipient of herpes, genital wart, HIV or AIDS all because you are teaching them that this is how is should be.
What will it take for you to step up and say, "No longer will I tolerate this behavior"

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/13/2015

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Georgina, one last thing. Do not seek assistance within the Mennonite community. They will affirm your husband's position and belittle yours. GO OUTSIDE OF THE COMMUNITY.

Sarah - posted on 02/13/2015

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I am frustrated but it is your life. I only ask you to ask yourself "what will I tell my daughter when she gets treated like this by her husband"?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/13/2015

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Georgina, you're falling for it...He's getting to you. Did your attorney speak with him?

Yeah, I agree with the analogy that if it isn't broke, don't fix it...but this IS BROKE. Your husband CHOSE to step out on you, and still hasn't stopped...Just because he's now working on you to stay with him doesn't mean that he's changed one whit.

YOU are not at fault. HE is. He's getting back into your head. YOU are not over reacting. Your husband is a selfish ass who wants his cake and to eat it too, to use another phrase...He wants his woman on the side, for the fun, and the easy fuck. He wants you at home, because it's convenient for him to not only have a housekeeper, laundress and maid, but also another convenient fuck.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but if you can't see this, after everything HE has done, and all of the advice you've been given, then I'm going to say screw it. You obviously don't really want a divorce, you obviously don't really want your relationship to work, you'll just be happy if he's coming home to you and taking care of the baby, regardless of the fact that he's completely disrespecting YOU, your marriage, and your family. So, hey...do what you want.

It really irritates me that, generation after generation, women cannot understand that they do not deserve the crap that men like this put them through, and continue to go back to the same treatment.

Raye - posted on 02/13/2015

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Georgina, I'm afraid that he's playing nice until you settle down and then he'll go right back to his cheating ways. You did NOT overreact. You're having the wool pulled over your eyes, and now it will be YOUR fault if something bad happens to you or your kids... because you're allowing it to continue. It's so sad that you feel like you can't be without this horrible man. If you're not going to follow through and do what's truly best for you and your children, then I'm going to stop following this thread, because I can't stand to see you get your hopes up just to be hurt again.

Good luck to you.

Sarah - posted on 02/13/2015

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NOOOOO! Good men do not cheat on their wives, or expect them to tolerate an open marriage. You knew you would fall for his bullshit!
It is broken, it's been broken...you are broken too.
Did you daddy tell you "you made your bed so lie in it" too?

Georgina - posted on 02/13/2015

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Happy valentines day eve. I did talk to my husband about his cheating on me and how terrified I have been that he might bring home some horrible disease and not only infect me but our baby. He said he would get checked out, and till then if I wanted him to wear a condom he would. He even told me how hot I look with my bump. That was the first time he said anything nice about my being pregnant. He obviously knows that I have been really upset about his cheating and he may even know I talked to a lawyer.

Now, Im thinking that I was over reacting because of all my hormones being screwed up. He is a good man, and things seem so much better now. My husband has been wonderful over the last few days, he even cleaned up the kitchen! Says he is taking me out for a special Valentines day dinner, and wants to go with me next week to see my obgyn for my twenty week check up. Now that will be a first. Told my attorney to just put everything on hold for a few weeks to see how this all works out. Like my daddy says "if it ain't broke don't fix it".

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/11/2015

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I would highly recommend your lawyer speaking to him without you being present. He clearly has a very manipulative, and emotional control over you. HE is the pig love. NOT you. HE is the ass, and has hurt YOU!

You can do this. You are stronger than you are allowing yourself to be. Keep up the good work momma, and know this is for your children and you. You deserve better than this.

Georgina - posted on 02/11/2015

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I know that kids can't be around, won't be good for them to see me crying so hard. I have a girl friend that can be there when talk to my husband. My lawyer has offered to be there or even talk to him without me being there. I just feel like such a creep and don't want to hurt him. Thanks for the offer to help but if sc means south Carolina I am only about 4000 miles away in Washington state. I just have to grow up and put my big girl panties on and take care of this........even if I don't want to.

Georgina - posted on 02/11/2015

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I will tell my husband that what we have together must end because of his cheating on me and putting me and our baby at risk with some really horrible disease. But in my heart of hearts I really hope he shows his love for me and our family and stops his cheating and proves that neither of us have any disease and he loves the baby I am carrying and we go forward like nothing happened.

But I know he will be furious with me for even bringing this up and he won't wan't to move out of our house. After he calms down he will use his charm on me and try and convince me that he is changed or that I am wrong as usual. I am afraid that I will believe him like I always do. He knows me so well and knows that I hate any sort of conflict and will just want to wake up and find everything is better again. I want to be a princess in a fairy tale with a happy ending.

Susan - posted on 02/11/2015

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is there any other way you may be able to handle this situation i think its very important you talk to him when kids are not home jw is the attorney for a separation? where do you live maybe i can be of help to you. i am in sc.

Sarah - posted on 02/11/2015

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If you need to have a support person there with you so you don't cave in, find someone to help you out. Do NOT let him persuade you that he will change (he won't) that he will be lost without you (he may be lost, too bad). You have got to brace yourself for every possible mental manipulation he may try.

Trisha - posted on 02/11/2015

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:) You are doing good though girl. Just keep moving forward.
There will never be a good time to tell him, just remember that. You are not going to want to make one of his bad days worse, and you are not going to ruin one of his good days. Don't postpose until after you lose the nerve.

Georgina - posted on 02/11/2015

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I will be getting information today from my lawyer on STDs and what my husband and I need to do. I have so much to learn about sexual diseases going from total ignorance to being terrified about what I may have or done to my baby. She is also sending me information on support groups for divorced women, single moms and therapists. Said there is lots of help for women like me.

I was going to tell my husband last night that I wanted a separation because of his cheating but felt sorry for him because he had a tough day at work...so will try and tell him tonight. He was obviously feeling overwhelmed last night, looked exhausted. So the kids and I pretty much left him alone to correct papers. Hopefully he will be feeling better tonight. I really worry that I will really hurt him when I tell him I have an attorney and he will have to move out until we work things out. Hate this.

Sarah - posted on 02/11/2015

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Georgina, you can't change that you were possibly exposed to disease, but you can discuss it with your doctor. Explain that you are aware that your husband had unprotected intercourse with at least two women. Your doctor will do a full panel of tests and go over the schedule to make sure you are not infected with HIV. Potential exposure to HPV may require you to have pap smears every three months for a few years.
I am so glad you spoke to a lawyer, now don't give up! No matter how much he begs and pleads. If he wants you back, he has to earn you back and that will take years!

Raye - posted on 02/10/2015

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Glad you're laughing a little.
All guys may think with their penis, but not all men act on it. There are good ones out there.

Georgina - posted on 02/10/2015

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guess I should have told you I'm Mennonite! lol sorry....a little pregnant humor

and everyone knows that all men including my 16 year old son think with their penis and want whatever makes them feel good at the time. that is a law of nature isn't it? all you have to look at his underwear and sheets.....disgusting.

Raye - posted on 02/10/2015

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Also, if he gave it any thought at all, which I doubt he did, he probably thought the same as you.. that these women "seemed" clean. But as I said, you never know. If they're having unprotected sex with your husband, they could be having unprotected sex with any number of other people.

Your husband is only thinking with his penis. He doesn't care about the risk, he obviously didn't care about how it would affect you, he only cares what makes him feel good at the time.

Raye - posted on 02/10/2015

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You can't tell by looking at someone if they have an STD. I used to work at Frederick's of Hollywood (lingerie store, in case you don't know) and the Mennonite ladies would come in and buy lingerie. They may be conservative on the outside, but they can be freaks in the bedroom!

You never know, so you need to make sure you are safe!

Georgina - posted on 02/10/2015

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OMG I really didn't want to know any of this about sex disease. I feel ill. I keep thinking of the two women I know he had sex with. I have met them and they seem to be nice women that fell under my husbands charm. I can't believe either of those gals have any of those horrid diseases. They might even be married, I don't know. I know that he has to get tested first thing, and if he gave me some disease and hurt our baby I will do everything I can to make his life hell. but I just can't believe he would do that to me and our baby......just really can't believe that.

Raye - posted on 02/10/2015

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I'm so very happy that the lawyer has given you more confidence. You are on the right track. You know he will be upset that you are considering divorce, but he brought it on himself. He could have told you there were problems in your marriage and tried to work them out with you, but he didn't. He chose to jump in bed with someone else, and risk his family's health and well-being. You have no reason to feel the slightest bit guilty for getting help or leaving him.

Please also know that, even if you and your husband are tested for STD's that some caused by viruses (i.e. HPV, genital warts, AIDS) can stay in your system for many years without being detectable or causing any symptoms whatsoever. The virus stays dormant until something causes it to be symptomatic, like a recurring cold sore. For HIV, you should be re-tested at regular intervals for at least a year and a half. HPV could eventually result in cancer. It's also possible for STD's to be transferred orally or from the skin surrounding the genitals. So, even if he's wearing a condom during intercourse, there is still risk of infection.

Your baby could be born with problems in multiple organs, including the brain, eyes, ears, heart, skin, teeth, joints and bones. You think it will be hard with a normal healthy newborn, what about a baby that is retarded, blind, deaf, has stunted growth or a heart condition? That child will be dependent on you for so much more and a lot longer than a healthy child. Is that worth staying with a man that has no regard for you or his family?

Trisha - posted on 02/10/2015

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Just remember while you go ahead! He doesn't seem too concerned about upsetting or hurting you. Anger might be the only thing that gets you through this cycle of abuse you are going through, so get some counselling for yourself right now - it will help give you strength. If you are still concerned about him to that extent, you are going to end up right back where you started.
He WILL promise he will change, if he has his paycheck, house and retirement at stake. You need to ensure that you have the strength to not fall back into the abused housewife role.

Georgina - posted on 02/10/2015

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I met with the attorney this morning and she is wonderful! I don't feel so totally helpless now. She told me that since my husband is a state employee (asst professor at a state university) he has no choice but to do everything that's right for me and the kids. Washington isn't an alimony state but I am entitled to child support, half of everything we have accumulated since we have been married and even half of his retirement. She is going to contact him and set up an appointment and read him my list of demands. I am so afraid he will be furious when he finds out I want a divorce....eek. But I can't deal with the cheating, the stress on my pregnancy, and risk of STD's........and I don't have to! But I don't want to call it quits on our marriage yet, so I guess we will give him a chance to be a good and faithful husband and go to counseling, provide the results from being tested for STD;s. and lots more. I just wish this would be over. I really don't want to upset him or hurt him.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/10/2015

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Leave him BEFORE the baby is born, because after the baby is born, you are going to feel MORE dependant upon him. Also, if he is insisting on having unprotected sex with you, then he is having unprotected sex with the other women. This breaks down to him getting other women pregnant, and contracting STD's and giving them to you and unborn baby.

Why doesn't he want a divorce? Cause you can still end up with that cozy home of yours, child support AND alimony. He is protecting his own assets. Get a lawyer. A GREAT lawyer, and don't hold any punches. This man is taking advantage of you, and he has been since you were young.

Raye - posted on 02/10/2015

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He's not protecting you either, so he's still breaking his vows.

I hope you have a good conversation with a lawyer. We are all concerned for you and do really wish you the best. It can be better and you do have strength.

Trisha - posted on 02/10/2015

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:) There is a large group of woman here rooting for you Georgina.
We know you have the strength to do what is best for you and your family, and seeing that your friend is taking you to a lawyer is putting a smile on my face.
Best of luck. Stay strong. Know that it will get hard, but it will get better. SO MUCH BETTER.

Raye - posted on 02/10/2015

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Oh, holy cow! "Just a girl". Didn't you see the "like a girl" commercial that aired during the superbowl. Being a girl is awesome. And being a girl does not mean weak. Women have a different kind of strength that is not necessarily a physical strength, but we have the capability to have more strength of character and spirit. You just need to find it within yourself.

Cut out the "just a girl" bullshit. Because it IS bullshit!

Georgina - posted on 02/10/2015

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Only I said love, honor and obey. My husband said love, honor and protect. my best friend is taking me to talk to a lawyer today. I really wish I was braver.

Georgina - posted on 02/10/2015

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If my husband can't be faithful to me I will leave him after my baby is born. I will buy some condoms and ask him to use them to protect our baby I am carrying. I think he will wear one to protect the baby. Just can't deal with leaving him and being a single mom while pregnant. Have a hard time just making it through each day now. Wish I was stronger but Im just a girl:(

Raye - posted on 02/10/2015

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Georgina, did your husband also promise to love, honor, and obey? Yet he does not show you true acts of love. He absolutely does not honor you. And he will not obey your wishes for him to stop cheating or wear a condom (which are extremely reasonable requests). Why is it okay for him disregard the vows he spoke to you?

I keep thinking about you, and I'm so afraid that you will end up staying with your husband. I hope you can find the strength to find help for yourself and get out. You are worthy of so much better. You deserve better. Don't throw yourself away by staying with this man that doesn't care for you, doesn't respect you, doesn't care about putting you and your children at risk. I'm not a religious person, but I'll pray for you to find the strength to take care of yourself and your kids.

Fear is natural when you're on the edge of something new. But it's only when you're scared that you can show bravery.

Jenni - posted on 02/09/2015

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You cannot and should not stay with someone who is cheating on you. Not only is he hurting you emotionally but, do you realize the risk he is putting you at for contracting stds? Can you honestly say that you are fine with allowing your husband and father of your children to go out and be intimate with other women? That is so unfair to you and you should not put up with that. You deserve someone who will love you and only you and respect you not to cheat on you.

Michelle - posted on 02/09/2015

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You need to go to counselling on your own, not with him. You need to find a counsellor that will help build your self esteem and make you realize that you are a strong woman and don't need to stay with a man that doesn't respect you.
You are his wife, not a slave, you don't have to "obey" him. I really wish people would stop saying those "traditional" vows as a marriage is a partnership and 1 person doesn't have to obey another.
You need to be strong for your children. A lot of us have been through divorce and being single Mother's. It is possible to come out the other side.

Georgina - posted on 02/09/2015

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I just want to thank all you for taking the time to give me advice from your experience. I am very confused and wish this would all go away. I still love my husband, and I always thought that a wife should never tell her husband "no". I promised him that I would love, honor and obey him in my wedding vows. I know he is a cheating creep and thought I could live with him snaking around to provide a nice home for my kids, but now Im thinking he has to go. But until I can get him out of our home I have to live with him. He doesn't hurt me and he is good to the kids so I don't have that problem. He will not use a condom, I guess he made that pretty clear. But the bright side of his cheating is that he has no sexual interest in me unless I provoke him like I did telling him he needed to wear a condum. I really think that I need to stay here until my baby is born in July and then move on a separation. Haven't given up on a therapist if my husband would go with me.

Other things I know. I know that I do not want my children to think it is ok to cheat when your married. I know I want my children to have a good education and not mess up their life by getting pregnant when they are 15. I know I want my children to have happy marriages with love and respect for each other. I know I deserve a man that will respect me and our marriage. I also know that I am scared to death.

Raye - posted on 02/09/2015

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Oh Georgina! There is so much more to life than what you've been living girl.

I was with my first husband for 11 years, married 9 years. But we grew apart. He was lazy, did not follow through on promises and we didn't have sex for the last 4-5 years. I came up with all kinds of reasons to try to stick it out and get through it. I blamed myself, saying that maybe I wasn't being a good enough wife. And I very much didn't want to be divorced. We didn't have a horrible relationship, he didn't beat me or cheat on me or anything. I loved him, but I wasn't "in love with him" anymore, and I knew I didn't want to live that way. We tried counseling during the last year, and things did not get any better. I saw that he wasn't putting forth the effort to make it better. So, as scary as it was, I left. For months I was so depressed. I cried more than I thought I had tears for. But it got better and I found I could do very well on my own, thank you very much. And... I found the love of my life. I never thought I could feel this way for someone, and I'm so grateful. I found the strength to do what was best for me and was rewarded by this wonderful man that I'm so blessed to share my life with (and the lives of his two precious kids).

I know you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to have faith that it's there and you will be able to reach it if you take the right steps. But the first thing is to start walking.

Raye - posted on 02/09/2015

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Georgina, The words you wrote "To give me his answer we had unprotected sex last night" sounds like RAPE. Yes, you can be raped by your husband. Maybe you gave into him because you were lonely and, as you said, it was the first time he touched you since you told him you were pregnant. But him having sex with you that way was him controlling you. That wasn't "making love". That was him literally fcking you, to go along with him emotionally fcking you these past few years.

Do not agree to an open marriage. Don't you sleep with anyone else until after you're divorced, or he will use that against you (even though he's guilty of the same). If your husband wants sex with you, DEMAND PROTECTION! He's putting your health and that of your unborn baby at risk! Don't let him do that!

These other women are right... so much of what you say sounds like stories from abused women. That man has beaten you down mentally and emotionally to where you are willing to accept his deviant behavior and put you and your kids in a dangerous situation. It's WRONG!

If you stay, you are teaching your kids how to treat/be treated when they grow up. Your husbands' parents had a crappy marriage where his father got to sleep around and humiliate his wife, so that's what your husband does now... so that's what you son will do, and your daughter will end up marrying a jerk like her father because she's learned that being a woman is giving up on basic human rights and being a slave.

You're damaged so badly, and you allowing this to continue is damaging your kids. PLEASE go to counseling yourself and/or with your kids. Please get help and find the strength to get out of this horrible relationship. Being a single mother is better than staying with a man who treats you like garbage.

Trisha - posted on 02/09/2015

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Just remember Georgina, The stress that you are going through right now is not good for your baby during this pregnancy, as well as the stress and unhappiness that you are going through will not impact your other children in any positive way.
Your children need a good role model, and if your husband is unable to be that, by breaking his vows of marriage, then you need to be a good role model and teach your children what is acceptable behavior and how they should treat women/or be treated.
If you stay, and allow this behavior to continue you are teaching your boys that infidelity is okay and that it is acceptable to treat women that way, and your teaching your girls (sorry, I didn't see the genders) that they should expect to be treated that way, and tolerate it themselves.

Georgina - posted on 02/09/2015

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I could never have sex with a man that wasn't my husband. I just could not do it. I do wonder if my husband would be so willing to share me if he thought I would really do it? He knows me really well. Going out with other men or doing the dating scene just does not seem like something I would enjoy. My interests and life totally revolve around my family, my children. If I do get divorced I doubt I would ever remarry. Just can't go through this again.

If I wasn't pregnant I think I would definently get a divorce. But having a baby changes everything....maybe even for my husband. Ok, I know.....I'm just fooling myself and thinking that I can't do what so many other women have done and raise a family without s man around.

Trisha - posted on 02/09/2015

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Is this the type of relationship you signed onto to begin with?
I come from a point of view where my ex and I had an open relationship for 6 years. He ended up leaving me for another woman in the end.
If you were open to enjoy the benefits of this relationship yourself, you may want to consider it. It IS fun... :), but... a lot of work.
If your husband will not consider counselling, my thought is that he has already checked himself out of the relationship and any consideration of your happiness.
It might be time to consider divorce, and set up child support etc.
You WILL feel neglected. You WILL feel less than the other woman. You WILL find that you are the one working so hard to keep your relationship working, while he is off playing with another woman - enjoying all the date nights, and commitment free hotel stays that you no longer get as a mother and wife.
Basically, my thought process is that cheating is almost easier to deal with, because your partner will make you put efforts into allowing him to see his girlfriend since it is now 'allowed'.
Open marriages CAN work...but not when one of the couple is forced into it... It's not fair to you.

Mariahkaitlin - posted on 02/09/2015

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I read this really great book recently called The New I Do. I suggest you read it to help you make up your mind about what is best for YOU and your marriage. Not just what others have to say about it. Cheating is such a weird concept, and if it is driven from lies and infidelity, it is wrong. But it seems your husband is at least trying to be open with you about it (TOTALLY NOT TAKING HIS SIDE,) I just know what my husband and I have talked about as far as spending the next 60-90+ years together, alone ;) I hope this helps. Remember you should be happy regardless of what society says about your marriage. You are the most important person to keep in mind when choosing your next step. Good luck friend.

Georgina - posted on 02/09/2015

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It's 5am and I finally decided to get out of bed just to stop all the thinking I have been doing all weekend. My husband is a real ass. He has known me since I was fourteen and knows that I have never lived by myself, paid bills, fixed things or even had a long term job. Just a stupid high school GED. I have always been so thankful that he was there to take care of me when I was a mother at 16. Most of our marriage I have been a stay at home mom. The best job in the world.

I have known that my husband has been cheating on me for a few years. The women he sees generally work with him at the university and I know at least two of them. A year ago I thought that having another baby might bring us back together again. So against his advice I stopped my birthcontrol and now am 19 weeks pregnant, which totally infuriated him. Now I am looking at leaving him and raising two teenagers and an infant on my own. I am terrified!! Over the weekend I told him he would have to start using a condom if we have sex to protect our baby and me. He has never worn one and won't start. To give me his answer we had unprotected sex last night, the first time he has touched me since I told him I was pregnant. I need to find a good lawyer, and talk to someone that can convince me I can do this. Any ideas about who I should talk to? I have zero confidence that I can be a single mom and take care of myself without a man to do things. I know my husband will fight me in court over everything, even making it seem like I have been the one cheating on him. This will be really ugly and I think I should just stay put until our baby is born. Need to take a shower and get the kids up for school.......

Sarah - posted on 02/08/2015

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Your kids already know about the cheating most likely. Especially your older son. Is this what you really want? To be home with you kids while your husband does whatever, with whomever? How degrading.
We teach people how to treat us, and you have tolerated your husband's cheating. If he wants to stay married to you, then he can stay and be faithful. You may be afraid, but don't you want to be happy?
Don't involve MIL, she won't takes sides because she knows her son is a dirty dog, and he learned it from her and his dad.
What would your advice be to your daughter? Suck it up and be a doormat or get out, find out what you want and go for it. If you've been home, he will have to pay marital support as well as child support for all three kids.
You are a young woman. You can't possibly think you really deserve this for the rest of your life?

Jodi - posted on 02/08/2015

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Your husband is full of shit. Seriously. He wants his cake and to eat it too. If he truly loved you he wouldn't do this to you.

Georgina - posted on 02/08/2015

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My husband says he loves me and wants to stay married. He just feels that marriage should be flexible and allow him to be with other women now and then. There must be a lot of women in this situation. I have a nice home, beautiful children and a husband that is a good father and provider. He just needs to have sex with another woman now and then. Looking the other way now and then certainly has to be better then being a single mom and raising two teens and an infant by myself, and the children need their father.

I don't want to show my children that traditional marriage won't work, and if we can hide my husbands cheating they will never know. I also need to be a better wife, if I worked harder to be a wife and not just a mom, maybe I wouldn't be in this situation.

I am willing to talk to a therapist to deal with this, and if I have too, I will leave him.

Michelle - posted on 02/07/2015

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If you can honestly enjoy being "married" to someone who doesn't want to be married then fine but it's not teaching your children that a "normal" marriage is a committed union between 2 people who love each other.
Your "husband" doesn't care about you at all, he wants the best of both worlds. He probably also doesn't want the hassle of going through a divorce so this is his easy solution to not wanting to be with you.

Jodi - posted on 02/07/2015

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So you are going to model to your children that cheating husbands are acceptable? Personally, I don't think it is a good role model to them. He may be a good father, but he's a crappy husband. He can still be a good father to them, but you can demonstrate to your children that cheating is not acceptable by not accepting it and moving on.

I'll give you a clue as to why he thinks this is acceptable....what behaviour was modelled to him? Are you seeing the pattern here that you are setting for your children?

I would suggest you go and talk to a therapist to discuss the situation and to help you make a responsible decision. I understand that you are pregnant, and leaving now is not necessarily practical and would be incredibly difficult, However, you need someone who can help you make a plan. Even if your husband refuses counselling, there is no reason you shouldn't do so.

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