Married / Child and no sex from wife

Michael - posted on 07/14/2016 ( 3 moms have responded )

3

0

2

Okay, so my wife and I have been married since 2013, and been together since 2010.

When we first got together it was... hot. But then we ended up having to have a long distance relationship and we split up for about a month. This is about 6 months into the relationship.

We get back together and get a place together. She was a little overweight and my shallow ass lost sex drive. She found out about it and went on a hating self rampage until she lost 50 lbs. During that time I sorted out in myself my own problem and made amends.

A year later she loses sex drive. And mine is back in full. Time goes on and I find out that it's connected with my having lost a sex drive and there was some resentment. I then make more amends and double my efforts to "be a good man".
She tells me she's happy with the amends and all is well, except the sex drive isn't back, but I'm a patient man.

Weeks turn into months, turns into a year. We have sex maybe once every 3 months. We argue about a bit on and off.

I love this woman. She's great. Everything about her is awesome. Before her I was more into women for hte physical affection, but I love her personality, her heart, etc.

After talking with her and getting the idea that there might be some concern that I'm still shallow or she is still holding resentment and that I am not willing to commit to the relationship... I take a step back and think about my life a bit. And I realize I want to spend the rest of my life with her, kids and all.

In 2012 I propose, she says yes. A year later married. Still sexless. We kind of have sex on our wedding night, but honestly we were too drunk. It was a great party.

During our honeymoon, a cruise for 7 days, we don't have sex at all...

During these years I've tried tons of things, flowers, homemade dinners, massages, vacations. Finally in early 2015 we start having sex because she wants children. After about 3 months, sex about 2x a week she gets pregnant. We have a beautiful daughter 9 months later (no sex during pregnancy - for some reason that just didn't jive with me and she wasn't interested anyway).

My daughter is now 9 1/2 months old. And we've had sex 2 1/2 times. The first time was terrible, like she was just super limp and non contributive. I could tell she hated it. The 2nd time was just as bad except she kept speaking about her eyebrows and the business. It was like out of a bad movie, we decided to not continue. (I couldn't)

The 3rd time was slightly better.

She has done her research on her hormones and what not. When we first got together we told each other what we really needed and wanted from each other. On my "list" she mentioned that there was a lot of sex needs. lol. (Yes, and actual list).

She knows it's one of the things that I really need. I'm a very simple man. I don't really ask for anything. I always comply when she asks for something - when I remember too ;P

We've had serious fights about this over the years. In the last 4 years we have had sex maybe 10 times, minus one stint where she was trying to get pregnant.

The only time she's willing to have sex is to have another kid. And I don't know if that's what I want.

I'm physically 10x more affectionate than her. It's like she simply forgets about it, forgets the affection. And suddenly she'll remember it for about 5 minutes and then gone again.

I've been incredibly patient and caring. I work two jobs to help take care of the house.

We've talked about her going and actually getting her hormones checked, or a nutritionist, but she just never does it. Before the baby she admitted she didn't have any excuses, now we have a baby and my daughter has become her excuse.

She has told me that she understands and will work on it and she'll make it up to me... and for a little while she did blowies once a week, but that was only 3 weeks and that was months ago.

I'm torn. I love my wife, and my daughter. I've never cheated. I'm 99% sure she hasn't.

Ugh.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Marica Petrovska - posted on 07/14/2016

6

0

0

And it has been put to the test and it works! Hope it works for you two.

Marica Petrovska - posted on 07/14/2016

6

0

0

My husband and I had a fabulous sex life before the children, at least 4 times a week for 20 years. He wasn't keen to have children as he put his career before anything. This caused huge resentment in me as I wanted kids, and he agreed to have them when we got married. When the kids arrived via IVF. We had no sex! We fought for 8 years from when my daughter with special needs was born, then my son (IVF again) he is typical development. It has been shitty and extremely hard on both of us raising a child with special needs. Expensive and time draining, we agreed to put it all behind us and move on, it would last a month, no fighting, ,no anger, more sex, resentment would set back in. The sex would disappear and we were fighting again. In front of the kids this time. He turned to porn when I was pregnant with my first child and tried to hide it.
We now have a better sex life than we've ever had, married for 28 years.
I did some research when my husband got addicted to porn and found the solution to our problem.
It's simple, works if you both agree to it. Spend time together every night in the bedroom with the door closed. Start with an hour. Regardless of weather you have sex or not. Just start by talking. All problems start with lack or loss of communication. We put the kids to bed early, and stayed up for an hour on the bed talking. I started with asking what I can do to make him feel better, he didn't do the same for me, so I agreed to meet his terms, and then added what I would like him to do for me.
He got help from a psychologist for his porn addiction. Our sex life is better than it has ever been. When you start having sex again, be consistent with your agreement to continue with spending that time together in the bedroom after the baby goes to bed. Have to agree and be consistent. Don't forget to do things for her like introduce coconut oil, give her messages, touch her all the time even when your not having or wanting sex. Hug more often, kiss her regularly, touch her even on the arm or a squeeze of the butt. Little silly things that will connect emotions. Remember actions turn on feelings. Not the other way around. Continue doing the motions and the feelings will follow.
Agree together that if you want to give your child a good childhood that will end to her having a healthy life, you have to be good to each other, which means having sex and being kind. Accept each other. Tell her she is beautiful just as she is and you want her. If she doesn't want to have sex with you, you will suffer. You need to tell her that. Forget getting help with hormones, do the touch and practice the communication. Feed the soul.
Good luck.

3 Comments

View replies by

Michael - posted on 07/14/2016

3

0

2

@Marica Petrovska Garvey

Out of all the articles I have read on this site and others to similar problems. You have given by far the best answer, the most rational, and the most kind.

Thank you!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms