Ashley - posted on 10/22/2016 ( 2 moms have responded )
I feel like I may not need to say this, but am going to just to cover the bases. I love my family. I have a hard working, wonderful husband and two kids: 2 ½ year old spirited little girl and 2 month old snuggly baby boy. I love finding ways to entertain them and taking care of them. Bath time is stressful but I do love getting them all clean and in their jammies and feeding everyone the meals I prepare. I love going to work and making money and still managing to take care of them in the process - I do like feeling like superwoman. All of this I am very happy with and know how lucky I am to be able to do and have all of it. I know not everyone gets these opportunities and would kill to get them.
But there is something. And it very well feels like it is cracking my head open - much like my children’s cries do but more lingering.
I do everything. I work, cook, clean, and take care of the children and my husband. I am solely responsible for getting the kids/husband to school/work and back home to do everything all over again every. Single. Day. I do this all the time. My husband works somewhat unpredictable hours and please understand I am very thankful and know that I understand he is working very hard for his family - we would not be nearly as financially stable if it were not for his job and hard work. I’m still in love with him and don’t ever think I will fall out. But I heard a saying the other day that very well hit home: a married single mother.
A slight side note concerning this comment….
If you are a single mother reading this I’m sure you will just think I don’t know what I’m talking about. You are probably right. But I go to blogs on the internet to see if there are people like me out there, that I’m not crazy or alone, so this is for anyone who can relate and just needs to see it somewhere besides screaming at them in their head.
Ok, going back to a married single mother. I feel like this, and I also feel like I shouldn’t be this. It’s not the hours I put in working and bathing and feeding - that is just daily doings.
---It is when I’m in the shower and the baby starts crying...and he doesn’t respond.
---Or I get them to bed and someone starts crying and he doesn’t hear it. The other day this happened and I got up and he asked where I was going…”the baby is crying.” His response: “I didn’t hear it.” My response: “Because you weren’t listening.” I know, I’m terrible.
---Or it is when I leave him alone with the kids for not even a few minutes and the baby starts crying and the toddler is still talking a million miles and hour and he looks like he has been through the ringer all day. I feel like I can’t step away for even a minute or two without having an even bigger mess - when I return I have a crying baby, a busy toddler, and a stressed out husband to fix.
---Or it is when the kids are in bed and I go to lay in bed and he says, “You’re going to give me a massage, right?”...like I didn’t do enough to earn the right just to lay down for a second and NOT take care of someone for 5 minutes. It is 9:00 p.m. Somewhere around midnight or 2 a.m. I will be up again nursing the baby. Give me 5 minutes now. His only argument as to why he deserves that massage is I didn’t go to work today because I’m on the very last couple days of my maternity leave and the kids did go to daycare. Here is my rebutle: when I come home I have dinner to cook, kids to bath, bedtime routines and then get ready for the next day. When he comes home...he can lay down, play a game, take a nap. Everyday. Everyday we do the same things.
So you’re probably thinking to yourself well you put yourself in that position. You knew he was like this. You treated him like this so this is how it is. You are right. But people like me, we don’t ask. I know it is wrong to let it build but I’m pretty sure I’m established I’m wrong. And I know that. I need him to offer. What would it do for my sanity if when he does get home at good times that he gives the kids a bath so I can clean up dinner and not start out way behind the next day (if I don’t have enough energy after all bedtimes are said and done). Or I could do bath and he does the clean up. Is that so hard? I think other families do it...but I don’t know if that is the norm. I feel like I’m not alone but I haven’t read anything yet so here it is for those who need it. I feel like as women, and especially with similiar personalities, we just don’t admit it or talk about it because the instant reaction from people who aren’t living it is: you don’t have live like that.
Maybe not, but this is how my life is now and although I’m happy, I’m frustrated with it. I’ll bear through, nothing will change, and I will love my family none the wiser. But I’ve always thought of myself as a very wide thinker, I can feel things but also understand the other sides to it.
So yes I’m happy and frustrated and I just wish my husband would think about what I’m seeing/doing/feeling. Even if he didn’t want to help, he wouldn’t have to - just make me feel appreciated or even just notice what I’m doing to keep this household up and going. Don’t ask me for a massage, hold me, cuddle me, massage me, or even just play a game with me at 9:00 p.m. I’m a mom and a wife and understand how “me” can get lost in all of that. For 5 minutes a day I would like to just be “me” and not take care of anyone because quite frankly I’m just tired of it right now.
If by luck this gets to a man who actually reads the entire article. If your wife does all these things she loves you, she is happy, and she will continue on. But think about her and let her know she is not a single mother, she is a married mother. A married mother who will do everything for her family but shouldn’t have to do everything.