Married To An Addict

Ashley - posted on 08/16/2015 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I've been married to my husband for two years, known him for 7 years total. We have a 2 yr old daughter and he's only been in her life for 2 month and off & on while in rehab. He's been in and out of jail, rehab and his parents are codependent on him so they do everything in there power to bring him back home so he can work for his parents business. His mother is his chief enabler and will do anything for her son (ANYTHING). I truly love my husband when he is sober, last time he used he got very angry that I called the cops on him. He got put in jail and now his parents dislike me. After being locked up for 90 days he is getting out on Tuesday, I have not modified the restraining order but I really want to because I miss him and I don't want him to go back to his home town ( I feel its really bad for his sobriety). His parents say if I love him I will do anything to be his support and to be with him. My parents feel that I should leave the restraining order in place and let him prove his sobriety. Its so hard for me because all I want at the end of the night is to be right next to my husband, but at the same time I want what's best for my daughter (her safety). My marriage will be in danger if I don't modify the restraining order because his parents are putting stuff in his head. This is just so hard for me, its hard loving an addict and loving his family that are so passive to me. No one wants us together, not his addiction, not my parents, not his parents but I love him. I always pray that God makes him become the husband and father my daughter and I need. But what do I really do? Is there even hope for a meth addict to sober up if his parents buy him everything he wants and have his back even when he does wrong? Do I listen to my parents or give him one more chance?

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/16/2015

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Ashley, you can be supportive of his rehabilitation, and should do so, but definitely stick to your guns.

The thing is, being back near his parents could backfire. The only way my husband did it was to completely relocate himself 300 miles away from his situation. That is what I recommend, that he not be in an outpatient scenario, and that he not be near his enablers, but I don't know how much pull you'd have with that.

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Sarah - posted on 08/16/2015

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It will take some time, but if he just puts one foot in front of the other and does what he is supposed to do, over time he can earn their trust and respect back. Many time parents of addicts are the last ones to come around and see that they are not helping him by continuing to help bail him out of trouble. His PO may let him drop positive for weed, but a judge may choose to violate him and put him back in jail. Hang in there, go to some Families Anonymous meetings and get a good sport network to help guide you.

Ashley - posted on 08/16/2015

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Shawnn, I feel you recommendation is right but I don't have much pull to relocate him. And with the restraining order in place who knows what his mom is telling him. He probably feels he has no support on my end. And since all of this I currently live with my parents trying to get on my feet, my parents don't like him since people label him as a drug addict and since he has been mean towards me.

Ashley - posted on 08/16/2015

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Sarah, Thank you for replying back as well. So the restraining order is place on my daughter and I. Its already set for supervised visits but he can't have any contact with me. I struggle not talking to my husband at all, and always go through his mom just to see how he is doing but she always tells me things like he didn't mention anything to me about you but he is doing great. Some days I will text her and ask her to tell him I love him and she says she refuses to violate the restraining order but other days say that he was asking about his daughter (that's still a violation). I give her a lot of power and she knows how to hurt me. He's never asked me for money, never stole from me and never showed me drugs. He keeps a close relationship to his mother because that's where he gets his money when his dad refuses to give him some. My concern is that he will go back home and be back in the same lifestyle (his dad is an addict as well). His parents want him to take over there business once he gets out of jail so his dad can go to rehab.

Ashley - posted on 08/16/2015

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Shawnn Lively thank you for replying back. Once he gets out of jail he will be going to an outpatient rehab where his parents live. Some how his parents attorney got that court ordered after jail time (of course outpatient rehab near his parents). He will also be on probation for two years in his home town once he gets out, if he has a hot UA he will get put back in jail (for meth, coke, etc). But get this, his PO who is his dads friend allows him to smoke weed while being on probation. I wish I did make rehab a condition of marriage but at the time I had so much faith that he was done using after his last rehab, he was doing so well and completed Salvation Army. I am so glad to hear some people do change there lives around, usually when I read blogs about addiction they or there family are suffering. I am happy for you and your husband. His mother, some times I just want to tell her off because she does not realize she is hurting her son more then anything and she loves hurting me indirectly (maybe she is jealous that I am with her son). Before I married him she adored me and loved me like I was her daughter and once I asked her to stop giving him side money and trying to hook him up with other girls behind my back she did not like that.

Sarah - posted on 08/16/2015

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He can recover so don't give up hope. However, DO NOT AMEND THE RESTRAINING ORDER!!!!!! Once he is out of jail, goes thru rehab, (yes he needs rehab) lives in a sober living setting (like a half-way house) and is clean for a full year. I mean clean, not a slip here and there. He will probably be on probation and random drug tests will be a stipulation. After a year, then you can slowly revisit the relationship. Meanwhile, allow him supervised visitation with his daughter. You want him in her life and her in his life. Do not loan him money or give him access to your finances. If he relapses, take him back to treatment and start over. Do this, is giving him one more chance. One more chance to stay alive, out of jail, in his daughter's life and get clean. That is the chance he needs. Anything else is setting him up to fail .

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/16/2015

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Why did you not make rehab a condition of marriage?
If he's violent when using, you really shouldn't amend the restraining order, unless you have proof that he is clean, and sober, and intending to stay that way. That would mean a stint in rehab, or at the very least him staying completely clean for the rest of his life from the time he is released from jail. THIS IS POSSIBLE, as my husband is a 26 year recovered addict, and he did it completely on his own.
It was a condition to marry me: He had to stay clean. We're 25 years into our marriage, and everything is awesome, actually.
He needs help. His parents are continuing to enable, so if I were you, I would keep the restraining order in place, and have your attorney draw up temporary separation paperwork outlining supervised visits for the child, and a condition of rehab and staying clean as a way towards ending the separation. He's not going to do it on his own, without incentive, if his parents are sabotaging that.

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