mean daughter

Diane - posted on 10/07/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I have a daughter now 36years old and within the last 6 months stopped talking to me, has been accusatory, a bully and down right mean to me.
We always had a good relstionship until her ex husband totally messed with her brain. Now she is attacking me and treats me like the bad guy.
I am hurt and confused. I haven't replied to anymore of her text. Just need a bit of advice

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Diane - posted on 10/17/2014

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Well I didn't know her ex very well att all. But when he was polite to me. Then one time after my birthday party. She told me he told her as she was leaving...I said fu to her. So she belived him. Not me.
I asked my husband and my friends if I said that to her. They all said I did not.
I was not there when they married. They married at a jp office and she was pregnant.
He is military & had to leave. I was with her when she lost the baby. Their relationship when down hill from there. They divorced shortly after that.
Then she got pregnant again & after a long hard time carrying the baby she had a wonderful boy.
She had to track him down to be there.
He was horrible to her, didn't believe the baby was his. Anyway, she loved him & chased him to another city, away from me. We were still getting along fairly well. She list another child & I was there.
Long story.
Anyway she has bashed my family, and said horrible things about me. And yes, untrue statements. I truly do not know why. My husband doesn't know why either.
I will try a letter & hope it helps. Somehow I feel it won't.
Thanks again for your input.

Sarah - posted on 10/17/2014

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Were you on good terms with your daughter all through the marriage?
Did you not like her ex from the get go, and did she know how you felt. Even if you were polite to him, and never said anything outright, maybe she picked up on your feelings for her husband.
So, now that she is divorced. is it possible she feels embarrassed? Or afraid that you may say "I told you so"? Did you have a long term, successful, marriage?
If so, maybe she is embarrassed, or feels like she failed and is lashing out?
Perhaps a very carefully worded letter is a good idea. Not too long and just tell her how much you love her, miss her and will always feel that way. Think of one great memory, something that you too did together or something funny that happened, and include it in the letter. Let her know the door will always be open. Also, tell her you truly don't know why she is shutting you out and if you hurt her in some way, that you didn't mean too.
I am not trying to say that any of this is your fault. If you two got along well before recently, I would think it is hopeful to repair the relationship.

Diane - posted on 10/17/2014

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Hi Sarah,
Thank you for your reply.
I would love to invite her to lunch.
However I feel she would not
I sent her a text wishing her a Happy Birthday & she did not even reply.
I'm not sure what happened exactly with her ex. Just that he was mean
to her, accusing her of things she didn't do, put her down.....mmm, that's what she is doing to me.
I feel she hasn't dealt with the issues she has with him . And since she cannot attack him anymore, she is attacking me. It sounds like she is more like him....ha.
I'm just at a lose I want to try writing her letter telling her how I feel. Because I know she won't talk to me.

Sarah - posted on 10/07/2014

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You could ask her to meet you for lunch and tell her exactly how you feel. Do you have any idea why her ex would have turned her against you? Texting is not a great way to communicate because things can be misunderstood so easily and taken out of context.
Good Luck! Having a friendship with my mom as an adult was the greatest blessing!

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