Miscarriage

User - posted on 09/18/2013 ( 32 moms have responded )

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Hello amazing mothers
I found out my 9 week old baby had no heartbeat yesterday. Am due for the d&c in two days. I am devastated . Absolute heartbroken. I feel I failed my baby. I did fail my baby. I already am so blessed with two little boys but is it normal to feel this broken?

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Cecilia - posted on 10/02/2013

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Checking in on you because it's been awhile since you posted. Hope you are doing better than the last time you posted.

Marie - posted on 09/23/2013

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I wish I could say a definite time for you, but I can say the pain will ease, not that it will ever completely go away, but it will ease. ♥ The Pandora bracelet is a good thing, you can hold it and will remember this child every time you look at it. I really wish there was a "quick cure" for this kind of pain, but we all go through it at different levels and in different healing times. But please know you are not alone. And when people do say, and they will, something that comes across as callous or cold, do your best to ignore it. I always hated the "well, it was probably for the best, there was probably something wrong with it." That would make me so angry! But looking back, I think they just didn't know WHAT to say. *hugs*

Julie A - posted on 09/23/2013

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That's funny you say that sometimes because I Feel SO selfish for being sad and missing him. Oh trust me I did not get out of bed for a long time and self medicated. Went to a shrink and she put me on anti depressants and tranquilizers. Had to work through it, still am. Acceptance is the key. And prayer. We shouldn't be sorry to grieve. It comes in waves for me. My family needs me that's what keeps me going. Just came to the terms that God is in control. His will, not mine. Good luck I will continue to pray for you and all those who are suffering. Peaceanlove~Jules

Cecilia - posted on 09/22/2013

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In a medical sense, no it does not suffer since nerve endings are yet to be formed.

Don't think of it as you never met your baby. You did. You knew that life better than anyone else ever will. That's why the loss is so much harder on you. You lost so much more than your husband. You lost something that you already loved and bonded with. You held your baby, just not with your hands.

User - posted on 09/22/2013

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Sorry Julie I have been so selfish in my own grief.
I am so sorry for the loss of your boy. I don't know how you go on. How you get up in the morning. I am truly so very sorry. XXX

User - posted on 09/22/2013

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Just got back from scan. My lost one was smaller in measure than last time. It's like I've fallen into my pit of misery all over again. Do these precious babies suffer? Because the feelings are unbearable. Not ever meeting these precious lives!? How does one accept that? :( cry sob

Niandre - posted on 09/22/2013

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Time will heal all wounds just remember your little one is safe and is in heaven with her heavenly Father! They are quite alright as are you. You may not see it now but it'll work out

Julie A - posted on 09/21/2013

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Aww I'm so sorry and definitely can relate. This is so normal to feel this broken and you DID not fail your baby! You will heal on your own time. I miscarried at week 7, and at my post op d&c checkup, doc told me I was pregnant. I was in disbelief since I hadn't had sex. Doc had no way of explaining this except "immaculate conception ." With every closed door, two more opens. Every cloud has a silver lining.. The list goes on. Time and God will heal you, honey. I know I lost my seven year old son to leukemia in '07. All I can say is God doesn't give you anything you can't handle and I promise promise things will get better.. He has a plan, keep the faith..You Will Be Amazed.

User - posted on 09/21/2013

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I can't ever imagine feeling better. But you all assure me that in time I will. How much time? Two months? Six months? Cecelia your words are so soothing again. I would change OBs but that means a new referral and more delay in having the d&c done. And my heart can't cope with more delay. Marie I am so sorry for your losses. You ladies make me realise there must be a lot of women out there walking around with parts of their hearts never mended. Suffering together. When will these tears ever stop? I am going to buy a star Marie, such a lovely idea from cecelia. But I also in addition to that need something I can touch and hold. So I have been looking at pandora rings online. If I didn't look so disgusting and could stop the tears for ten minutes I would go directly to the mall and get it. Please just keep promising me I will feel better again. I never understood this pain that women spoke of.

Marie - posted on 09/21/2013

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I'm so sorry for your loss! Having a miscarriage is harder on a Mom than a lot of people realize. I have an autoimmune disease called Lupus, which made it very difficult for me to sustain a pregnancy. I have been blessed with four, but I also suffered eight misscarriages prior to and in between each of these live births, so I understand what you're feeling. Allow yourself to mourn this baby and go through all the stages of grief, it's the only way to handle something like this. I love the idea of the star registry in honor of this child and I think it may go a long way towards helping you heal. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the very best. ♥

Cecilia - posted on 09/21/2013

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I wouldn't suggest you resign right now. Take the time off and take as much as you need but making a decision based on how you feel this week is something that you might regret. Maybe helping others in a few weeks will be exactly what you're supposed to do. I know sitting there right now it's the last thing you want to do.

How we act when we are in pain can really define who we truly are. The lashing out at loved ones is natural and not what I'm talking about. If you choose to stop caring, it will change who you are and define who you will be in the future.

You're allowed to allow yourself to feel the pain. Do not let it define who you are. Don't let it take over. Darkness is something that makes us appreciate light. It is not somewhere to reside.

As far as the doctor saying what she did, it would anger me too. I would honestly switch OBs if mine had said such a thing. I had one of my friends tell me "there's too many people on this planet already" Oh lord did i flip out.

Glad to hear you're out of bed with some functioning. I didn't shower for maybe 4 days. I just didn't care about dishes. Please keep your head up and look for the sometimes small glimpses of light in your life.

User - posted on 09/21/2013

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The pain in my heart Last night was such unbearable pain. Tears flowed for hours. I suddenly remembered the OB saying she is 99.99% certain that this is a "little miscarriage". I felt angry that she called it little. It's not little to me. I don't understand how I will ever feel better and accept it. I have no idea how I will ever function at work. It's one thing for me to continue on with school and kindy pickups, washing, living etc, but then to return to work and care about other people's problems - that's a whole other level of living. I talked to husband about resigning. I don't want to talk to people. Nothing else is worthy of my time. Except this pain. That is. I just dont know what to do.

Valerie - posted on 09/20/2013

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U did nothing wrong these things really just happen...im not just talking...ive been thru one myself and now its been two yrs since it happen it hurts like hell(the loss) I still shed tears til this day...everyday will get better but since this just happen allow yourself to do what u need to do to get thru it...I really wouldnt talk to anyone professionally.because they are getting paid to tell u to feel better its not your fault and etc...speak with those close to u personally.and people that truly care about u there are theyre to listen since they know u and care about u...allow yourself to grieve cry kick thinkgs whatever u must do to get the hurt out if u dont u will regret itad lose it later god bless u and just know that your little one is with jesus

Cecilia - posted on 09/20/2013

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I'm sorry to hear you're in limbo right now. That must be horrible. By the time next Wednesday comes around your body may just naturally take over the process for you. It does sound like you have some acceptance of the loss, something I was unable to do for weeks.

Really most men don't understand it being our baby.For them it, isn't their baby until we have known it for 10 months. They have no understanding of loving someone you've never seen or touched. That sort of love is special and something only a mother can do. `Please try to be patient with the 6 year old. He does not understand loss and the truth is you don't want him to understand your pain.

User - posted on 09/20/2013

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P.s. I'm in south Australia. You are in America? I am humbled that I can pour out my heart to someone half a world away. I just don't know what to do with myself. It's like a nightmare knowing my baby is not to survive. But having to wait. Thoughts of the baby suffering further come into my head. Or perhaps it has just shrunk by now and I'll see nothing on the screen. I know this has happened to countless women. How in earth do you continue in with daily life - washing, cleaning etc after this? Last night I screamed at my 6 year old so terribly. I want the whole world to acknowledge that this was my baby. He was important. I just can't cope with the loss and feeling like noone else but me will care or remember. Cry cry sob sob. Even my husband finally admitted that he didnt see it as a baby. He hasn't attached to it. So I yelled and cursed at him. I hate everybody today for not caring or grieving for my special baby.

User - posted on 09/20/2013

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In another cruel twist my OB rang me yesterday afternoon (I type this on the morning of the scheduled "procedure) reporting my hcg levels were not as they should be so I asked her well that's confirmed the news then. She said she was 99.9% sure yes. I said well how can I go ahead with the d&c unless its complete certainty??????!!! So she offered for me to wait until Monday for a repeat scan and then the d&c Wednesday (4 fricking days away!!!). I mean what choice do I have? It is dragging out the inevitable and I feel sick about it, almost hoping my body would just start doing what it needs to do. This is just so cruel.

User - posted on 09/20/2013

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Oh cecelia why do we have to endure this? You are such a ray of sunshine to say things how they are, honestly yet so kindly.

Cecilia - posted on 09/19/2013

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It makes it a video automatically on here. Google search Dancing in the Sky Dani and Lizzy. It should be the first link shown.

How it works depends on your hospital. Normally here, you go to the surgery dept. Tell them you're there. They call you when it's your turn. You go back and change. (you're allowed someone back there with you) They put you under, if they are. From there you wake up in a tiny room with the curtain drawn. They make you eat and drink, then transport you to your recovery room where you can have visitors. Wait about an hour and send you home.

You should try to sleep if you can, tomorrow is going to be a long day for you.

User - posted on 09/19/2013

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So you arrive at the hospital, check in with reception, are showed to your room and put in gown. Then walk to OR? My OB is the one doing it, she's very nice. Although I secretly hate her for doing it. Lay down, get put to sleep and then it's done. I also think along the same lines as you re the "tissue". Would u mind sending the link to the song - it didn't come through. Maybe I'll feel relieved after tomorrow.

Cecilia - posted on 09/19/2013

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Oh, you can ask for the.. fetus.. (god I really hate saying it that way) say it's a religion thing. American Indians must return everything back to earth. This means they can not deny it to you. For me, that would be too much. some do it though and choose to bury. They will wrap it up so you don't have to see anything inside. Like I said, was too much for me.

Cecilia - posted on 09/19/2013

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Reasons are subjective. Maybe the reason I had to go through it is so I could now understand you. through the experience, I have a much greater appreciation for my two born after this.

They have found more stars than they can name. So you can pay the star registry to name one. http://starregistry.com/ if you're interested. they will give you the coordinates of the star so if you want to get a telescope to look right at it, you can.

I know I say she. Many people look at me weird when I do it.I just always felt it was a girl. No real reasoning other than a feeling. It feels better to me to say she rather than it, that feels cold :( We also gave her a name. To me, I didn't just lose tissue, I lost a child, a life. that life deserved the right to be named. Not everyone sees it that way and it's fine. It was my own personal way of dealing with it. As far as testing, some doctors will offer to do genetic testing on it if possible to look for reasons.

I was lucky because my OB was also my surgeon.She put me under to save me that horror. ( I really hope they do that for you) She told me before she put me under that she would wait until I woke up before she left me. there is time between waking up and being able to have a loved one in the room. She was so compassionate through the whole thing. I adore her and I always will for her kindness to me. I woke up and bawled so hard I couldn't breath. Show up early and allow yourself the time to get though the steps of changing and all of that. don't worry how others see you. It's your pain.

User - posted on 09/19/2013

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I feel like asking the doctor, if during the "procedure" is she and the theatre staff talking about their weekend plans? Have they done so many of these that its become routine. Probably. I wish that they had sad music playing and they cried for
My lost little one. Because it was important to ME. Maybe not them. Infact most likely not them. But devastating for ME. I can understand you feeling robbed by them. That's how I feel when I think of tomorrow. Robbed by strangers. And discarded. Like it never mattered. And like it was never important.

User - posted on 09/19/2013

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I don't understand the injustices of life either. Coming from a very religious upbringing I question why did his happen, and if karma exists, then what on earth did I do to bring this bad energy and bad result to me??? I don't understand why people like your sister sounds seem to have such blessings - how is that karma?? Or approved by god if you believe in that. Used to think everything happens for a reason. But what on earth reason for a life to be made, and taken away so cruelly with so much pain, I just don't understand. Maybe I shouldn't try and understand.

What do you mean a star? Like a ceramic or wood star? And you keep referring to your lost one as "she" - did you have tests done to confirm ? Is that offered. I am so glad I can type the same thing over and over to you. I am just dreading tomorrow so much. Dreading walking into the hospital - how does one even get that far? I have no one else but my husband and boys to drop me off. And how do you then get changed into the gown or whatever and not sit there and howl? The staff will think I'm a nutcase. Which I am. At least at the moment. I just keep waiting this morning for the phone call from the hospital - to tell me the time to come in tomorrow for it. I hate whoever will make that call.

It's like it's not even happening.

Cecilia - posted on 09/19/2013

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As for being a good person, Oh do I know that feeling. I had not spoke to my sister in almost 10 years. I had found out she gave birth about 2 months after my loss. I was so angry I could spit. How could a so-called god give her what she didn't deserve and take away from me? She is a horrible mother, a horrible person. How can a drug abuser have a healthy baby and yet I took care of myself the best I could and it happened to me.Why was she in pictures holding a baby when I never got to. That hurt me. Made me believe that me being a good mother didn't matter in the eyes of god.

Then I realized it didn't matter if god cared about it, because I did. My babies death had nothing to do with me being a good or bad mother. It in truth had nothing to do with me. The same way losing a child to cancer has nothing to do with the parent. They didn't do anything wrong. the child didn't do anything wrong. It happened just the same. It hurts even worse because we, the good parents, question what could we have done. The simple answer is nothing. Accepting that we have no power is hard to do.

Cecilia - posted on 09/19/2013

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At first you might not want to have the charm on. You can buy it and set it aside. Don't even force yourself to buy it right away. One day you see the one that one thing that is perfect. Believe me, one day you will know it's time to wear it. That day for me was 2 years after. Don't feel rushed to do it. Kay jewelers has a set of tiny baby feet charm. If I wasn't so attached to the butterflies, I would have gotten that one.

The baby's father, my husband now, lived in another state when I lost the baby. I felt the need to get him something too. I bought a star and named it what we decided the name to be. The package I bought came with a stuffed animal. It took 4 years for that bear to come out of the box it was shipped in. It was given to my daughter who was born later.

Acceptance is a part of the grieving process. You'll get there. Don't feel like you have to get to that stage tomorrow. Don't let anyone tell you to feel better. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for feeling bad. No one, not even me know exactly what you feel. I can only imagine you feel somewhat the way I did.

I will pre-warn you, the day of my D&C ( yes I chose to do it naturally but it didn't happen that way and 2 weeks later was forced to) I felt worse than the first day. I don't know if it will happen that way for you but kept in mind it can. I had felt as if i was violated and that they stole her away from me. Mostly those feelings might have come from the fact that I didn't choose it. I was forced into the situation and someone else had to make the decision for me.

User - posted on 09/19/2013

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Oh it's just unbearable the pain I feel today of loss. I never knew what women felt when this happened. I selfishly wish that I didn't find out. I feel lost as to what to do. I can relate so much with your words as all I've done for three days is cry and sob and wail. Trying to find meaning. Why me. I pride myself in kind and charitable. I work with disabled people. How could this happen to me when I'm such a good person? Blah blah blah. And I cry. And then some more. I looked on pandoras website and thought of a birthstone charm. But won't I then look at that and cry ?? Oh the pain. I am just so heartbroken. My heart physically aches. But I will keep remembering that you've said it will get a little better. Maybe a lot one day. I can't imagine ever feeling my normal comedic self again. I was the office clown. The funny one. What a defeat and failure I've turned into. So many thoughts of failure to my baby. Guilt. I just don't know what to do with myself. Except feel devastation. Hopeless I am. So sorry for the long message.

Cecilia - posted on 09/19/2013

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I spent almost 3 weeks in bed to be honest. I did nothing but cry. Then at week 4 I got up maybe 4 days of the week. It slowly gets better. Anger is natural, it's part of the grieving process. For 2 weeks I was in denial (part of the reason I chose not to D&C)

How do you stop the thoughts, you don't. If you did you would never properly grieve. That would be bad for you.

User - posted on 09/19/2013

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Hi cecelia
Your message made me feel important that u took the time to reply. Thank you so much. I am so sorry for your loss. Truly. You are brave and strong to move forward. Unlike me who feels like an emotional disaster at the moment, unable to stop crying and feeling overwhelmed like how on earth will I ever go back to work and care about others. I want for it to not be true. I want for my baby to live. So much. Life is so cruel. Taking the most innocent. How dare it happen?. I am angry - I played the piano yesterday so loud that the dog went and hid under the bed. Another day of grieving and I just don't know what to do with myself. How to stop the sadness and despair and thoughts swirling in my head. I will however absolutely buy a bracelet like you suggested. What a truly amazing experience you had with the butterfly. That is incredible. Thank you again for taking the time to reply. X

Cecilia - posted on 09/18/2013

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Feeling broken is normal. You just lost a part of you.

I found that my baby had no heart beat at 9 weeks along also. I had 3 children at the time. That doesn't make it any easier.

You didn't fail your baby. It's heart just wasn't strong enough. Do something that makes you feel better. It doesn't matter what that might be. some people get a necklace engraved with a name you choose. Instead of a typical mother ring I have a charm bracelet with charms that remind me of my childrens personality. I added one of for the baby I lost, It's a butterfly. The day I lost her I was at home sitting on my front steps smoking. A butterfly landed right on my hand and sat there pumping it's wings for a good 3 minutes and then fluttered around me and left. It was Aug. not yet butterfly season. So to me that had to be her charm.

Find something that works for you and reminds you of the love you have for him.her.

Take it easy for a few weeks. Give yourself time to mourn your loss. If you allow yourself that you'll find you can smile again while watching your older children like you used to.

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