Missing happiness in life, marriage

Cecilia - posted on 07/14/2010 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I feel as if I'm just existing, I pray to God every night and more, I feel I am a good person and a good mother. However some of the choices I've made may not have been right, like getting married at a young age and to the wrong person things haven't gone well since.. currently in marriage counseling but I don't see it changing the situation. I'm thinking of just going home for a week with my son, and sorting my mind out, I just moved out close to Las Vegas from Kansas City, I have no one here.

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Tina - posted on 08/06/2010

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To Holly and Cecillia,

I know I have had my share of say on this matter. Its just so Very stong on my heart as I have gone through times like this as well. and I have come out on the other side better not bitter, Stronger with more understanding, and God has healed 'Me' in the process. Have you ever notice that God always will work on us before the other person. I had to run to God, I prayed and asked Him to help me become the Woman He has made me to be! And that meant working on "MY" issues!! I can Not explain to you the miricle God has done in My heart through the hard times of my marriage! Like I posted above I read a lot of books, my attempt was t o transfom my thinking.. the Bible calls it renewing your mind...and all the time I was praying that God will help me to see the way "I" needed to change. We will stand before God one day and account for ourselves not our Husbands... They may do wrong but it is how we react to it and what we harbour in our hearts that God is concerned with.

Please , Please hear me! This works ladies!! The truth wil set you free... in more ways than you thought possible!! I too am open to any one wanting to contact me! as a preson who has done the .. I want to leave, maybe I married the wrong person, Im not happy... to Joy and forgivness, peace and strength. No not everything is perfect but it is SO much better! And I am excited to walk this road With God, through what ever hard times I come too, as long as He is with me... For I have learned that God Really does love me and He Really Really will Work All Things Out For Our Good.. if we willl just let Him!!

Im here if you need me! :-)

Amanda - posted on 07/15/2010

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Only you can truely make yourself happy, not your child, not your husband, and until you learn this, you will not have a happy marriage, or parenting. Look into yourself, and figure out what is missing from your life, do not look to blame anyone, just figure out what it is you need out of life, and ASK for it.

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Marie - posted on 09/04/2013

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I am so sorry. I feel very alone in my marriage and just don't know what to do. I trust God to help somehow for there is no one else that possibly could at this stage.

Tina - posted on 08/06/2010

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oh one ore thing I also had to learn was that ... My Husband is not Responsible for my happiness... I am, its a choice.

[deleted account]

Cecilia. I COMPLETELY understand you! I feel the same way. I got married at a young age(19), and also question that I married the right person. I obviously didn't know all I should have known going into marriage. I too feel like a good person and mother but am missing happiness in my life and marriage. However, I am a Christian, and like you did not see change no matter how hard I prayed. I also thought about leaving and going back home. (When I got married I moved 6hrs away and have nobody here either.) But--the most impactful thing for me to remember was this: God did not promise to us that marriage was to make us happy--everything here on earth is to glorify Him. No, I'm not necessarily happy, but God gave my husband to me as a gift and there are many reasons for that. I don't know them all--but they're there. I bet you rely more on God now, than you did being single. Am I right??? Just pray, cling to scripture, trust in God's plan for your life, and work it out. God can empower you to do anything--including loving your husband and being satisfied and happy with your life. Hang in there, stay with your husband, glorify God, pray, continue being the best mommy and wife you can be and the Lord will bless you for your labor. Please feel free to contact me..send me a message--write back...whatever.

Holly

Tina - posted on 08/03/2010

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Its hard for people to really speak into your question as you dont list some of the problems.
Marriage is about giving. One thing I have learned to do is study my hubby. Find out what he needs and do it! I read good christian books on marriage and men. I tried this in my marriage and found that if I gave him what he needed instead of harping on him, it had a domino affect that then made him want to do things that made me happy. its not easy to be sure because your hurting and your feel you have things that need to be met first. But darlin thats not how it works. First we give than we get. Have you seen the movie Fireproof. It teaches this principal... and it works... that is assuming your man is a decent person.
Again I dont know your particulars.. if there is abuse you should definitely get away until he has made an effort to change and you see the fruit of that change.
But if your only getting the divorce because he is not making you happy... please please think about it again. Divorce is Nasty!!! And if you get married again and find it tough (which of course it will be) you will have that back door open because you have already walked through it once.. and your setting yourself up for more heartache ... if it is at all possible to work through this one its all the more worth it. because the things worth having take time and a whole lot of work! You have mentioned God in your question so if that means you have a relationship with Him or not is also a Big part of the equation. I am learning that I have to get everything from God and stop expecting my hubby to fill the spaces of my heart that only God was intended to fill. When we know who we are in Christ we are able to face every day problems with strength and confidence and peace and joy!! This too has a Huge impact on our men. Too much expectation on them will cause them to act out in many different ways that are hurtful and usually angry like.
Some of the books I read...

Proper care and feeding of a marriage by Dr. Laura Schlessinger ( She also writes one called the Proper care and feeding of a husband)

Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggrichs ( taught me a lot!!)

Wild at hart by John Eldredge ( a book about men)
(his wife wrote a book called Captivating by Stasi Eldredge. I highly recommend this book as it started me on my path to healing and understanding myself so I can know better what I am feeling and why!! Great book)

What do you have to loose? Either it will work and you will come out on the other end of this stronger and happier than you ever thought possible with a soul mate or you will know you tried your absolute best and it doesn't work... please take the challenge!! fight for your family!! Fight for your right to Life and joy which can only be found in God!! Im sending prayers your way. Blessings!
Tina

[deleted account]

It never hurts to take a break from each other...provided ur husband also thinks that its time to take a break and think things over and not call it quits completely (provided he really wants to work this out then). The break gives you a complete perspective about yourself, your spouse, your son and where life is headed in general....i did this before i went in for the decision. hope its a help to you

Cecilia - posted on 07/15/2010

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IN order to make myself truly happy I'd rather be on my own with my son.. I feel controlled in this relationship like I have to look over my shoulder all the time.....

Victoria - posted on 07/15/2010

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I would truthfully quit seeing the counselor, but then again mine didn't help us at all! Give and Take, Trust and Faith. That's what you want to look into. Try taking interest in things he does, ask him to try the same for you. talk together about what you both want to do as parents, maybe even try to spice up the sex life(though it's hard with a baby, I understand, but usually friends are more than willing to watch your child!). Me and my husband were struggling a lot because we're vastly different in mind and interests, he was spoiled as a child and wants to try spoiling ours, where as I grew up with little parental guidance and would rather my child had a strict set of rules that go very much against spoiling.
I know when I moved to Kentucky from Texas I was a wreck for years. I didn't make friends, even though I went to college, and didn't even like to socialize with my husband's friends much at the time. Allow yourself time to adjust, the moving around may have caused you some inner turmoil, I had a hard time of it because I'm very unused to change. I even fear it.
I hope this helped dear~!

[deleted account]

Read your other posts too!! I too got married at a young age...and it probably turned out that we two were not meant for each other...so after 8 yrs of married life and a 10 mth old daughter...i have called it quits....here in india we still can go back to our parents and they support us...but i guess US is not the same. More than anything else...I took this decision for the sake of my daughter....consider it....do take a break and sort your thoughts and feeelings out...if u guys continue with a strained relationship...its going to have a real -ve impact on ur son.

Johnny - posted on 07/14/2010

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I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time Cecilia. I hope that you can find some support here on COM :-)) It can be so lonely starting fresh in a new place, where you have no friends or family, and with a young family. It may be a good idea to have a visit home, but it also sounds like perhaps you might be a bit depressed. I'm glad to hear that you are doing marriage counseling, but have you thought about just scheduling a session for yourself to discuss your own issues without your partner present? One other suggestion would be to try to find a local mother/family support group. I'm not sure what size of town you are in, but many areas have them through community centers or churches. And do you have a church community that you can lean on? (not sure if you are a member of a religion or independently spiritual) But they can also be a wonderful source of support in hard times. I hope that you can find some happiness, I know it must seem bleak. If a little time away from your situation is feeling like the right choice, then that is probably what you should do. Good luck.

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