Missing the children we lost or missing out on another child?

Megan - posted on 06/01/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )




My fiance and I cannot agree on more children. He has 2 children from a previous marriage (one deceased) and I have 3 children (one deceased) from a previous marriage. I would like a child to share with our new combined family but he is hesitant......big time. Sometimes I think I feel like our family is not complete because we are missing the children we lost or if it's not complete because I would like a child for all of us to share. Any thoughts?


[deleted account]

I am sorry for yours and your husbands losses. My heart goes out to both of you. When someone dies, noone can take their place. But, if you feel you want another, he is unsure. He is scared of loosing another. Let him know that the child that you would like to have with him is not to replace any that aren't around. Those children may not be seen in the moment, but they are in your hearts and that is one thing that cannot be taken away. They loved you both, I would imagine. They wouldn't want you to be sad. Would they love to have a brother or sister?
I don't think when one dies and they loved you, they wouldn;t want you to be unhappy. I don't know how old your children when when they passed. It is heartbreaking to here it. You can't stop living your lives, let it go on. If another child is what you think you want. I say go for it. He will be happy with another baby to love. It doesn't take away all the pain. It gives you more to love.
I have never had a baby and then had one die. I have had miscarriages and have seen my babies that way. It isn't the same as going all the way through pregnancy and loosing a child you gave birth to. I do think about the babies I have lost and wonder what sex they were and what they would have been. I still had other children. I was scared to because I didn't want to miscarry again. But, I made up my mind and went through it. I wouldn't go back and change anything. I would have loved those that I had lost, It don't change a thing when I had another one.
I look at it this way. I believe in God, I believe that one day, I will see loved ones again. In the meantime, I will live my life as if there isn't a tomorrow. For if I stop and don't keep on living and do what my heart desires, I will regret it later on in life, if I am able to see that day. I am so sorry for your losses. You will see them again. I don't know if you believe that or not. But don't give up. If you feel that you want another child and you don't go ahead....later on you may regret it. May God be with you all always.


View replies by

Katherine - posted on 06/02/2012




I agree AND disagree with the ladies here. I'm sure you are missing the children you lost. I can see why your husband would be terrified. I think counseling is an excellent idea. Grief and regular. If you want another child by all means do it!

User - posted on 06/02/2012




Maybe you would both benefit from bereavement counselling to help put your feelings into perspective.

Louise - posted on 06/02/2012




This is a major decision to make as it affects both you, your partner and all the children. The children may feel that they are not good enough if you have one combined. It has a lot of emotional attachments this. If your partner is not keen then I strongly suggest that you wait until he has changed his mind or you find peace being mum and step mum to all these kids. I am sure you feel that having a baby together will cement the family but that is not always the case. If that child turns out to have health issues all you have done is added to the stress. Take time to think this through. Try and come to terms with what you have already. Fit and healthy children and a man that loves you, do you really need another child to show you, you have a perfect family already.

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