Mixed family

Ashley Mariah - posted on 04/23/2016 ( 22 moms have responded )

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Hi, my husband and I divorced last year, exactly. I have been dating a man with 2 children, a 7 year old girl and a 6 month old girl. The 7 year old has ADHD and mild ocd and youngest has failure to thrive. Does anyone have experience having mixed families, especially ones with special needs kids in it? Any advice would be great. Thank you.

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Ev - posted on 04/24/2016

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I have read the posts and I have to agree with the others. It is way to soon given you have only been divorced a year and he has two young children one that is just a baby and indicates he has just got out of a relationship. You did not say if you had any kids or not. If not, you do not know what all you are in for. Special needs kids require a lot of attention and it is a lot of work. Some have special medical issues that have to be addressed in certain ways during the day and night. Some kids have to do things on a certain routine. Are you ready for this? Also four months is not that long of a relationship. Not long enough by far to really know this is what you want. Also those kids are going to suffer if this does not work out and you two separate. I think you should reconsider moving in and date a lot longer. 4 months is not enough time to know someone and be sure of things.

Ashley Mariah - posted on 04/24/2016

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I said "lol" about what she said it about. Please read more of her post, and you will know what I laughed about. Not about the advice, about what she laughed about. I don't wanna start anything. So, how about we just call this a misunderstanding and forget about it. Oh, and we have been dating about 4 months.

Jodi - posted on 04/24/2016

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I'm not sure what was "lol" about Dove's advice. She's right. The fact that you laughed at that indicates you have no clue.

Neither of you are really in a position to start blending families. His youngest is 6 months - that means he is also only recently out of a relationship. Not to mention that the situation is still only new to the 7 year old. You have only been divorced a year. It is too soon to talk blending families (especially when there are special needs children involved). You need to take it slow. Blending families is HARD and should be given time. How long have you actually been dating?

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Dove - posted on 04/25/2016

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That was one tiny portion of my point... even taking that out of the equation this is a mess for them if this relationship doesn't last. A big, heartbreaking mess that should have been completely avoided....

Ashley Mariah - posted on 04/25/2016

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Oh, we dont discipline each other's children yet. If this lasts and we get married, we will discipline each other's children then. And we will only do timeout.

Dove - posted on 04/25/2016

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After only 4 months the kids should not have even met each other... or their future stepparents and there is no way either of you should be disciplining the others children. As a bio mom I would flip if some random chick thought she could be disciplining my kids after only 4 months....

You aren't moving slow.... and these innocent kids will be harmed if this relationship doesn't last. You are already way too serious if they are this involved. What's going to happen to them if you guys do not last and they lose these relationships? Losing relationships is hard enough on adults... these kids are in for a world of pain and devastation if you two do not last now since you've stuck them right in the middle of it all.

Ashley Mariah - posted on 04/25/2016

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Well, we decided that we should not be scared to discipline each other's children. We are on the same page. He and I said we will wait 2 years before getting serious. So, in 2 years we will get more serious if this lasts. The kids have play dates 4 times a week to get to know each other and if the kids do plays and such, we always go to them together. He said me doing stuff for his 7 year old and being like a second mom has helped her and her ADHD and ocd. We are waiting a while though.

Raye - posted on 04/25/2016

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I am a step-mom with no kids of my own, so we only had to worry about his kids when we got together. It still has been very hard. I moved in a little over a year from when we started dating, and sometimes I think that was too soon. You really need to take it slow. It's very difficult blending families. And what if the kids get attached and it doesn't work out. They will be more traumatized. You both haven't been out of relationships for very long, and this could be a rebound. Maybe not, but maybe so. You're all excited right now and thinking more about yourselves and what feels good than what's good long-term for you both and all the kids. Have you talked about how you're going to parent all these kids? What rules and consequences to have that will be fair? Are you both on the same page with the balance of authority when dealing with the kids? If it's meant to be, it will still be if you slow down. Really get to know each other and make smart decisions.

Michelle - posted on 04/24/2016

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I have asked if you have children of your own and you haven't answered.

Jodi - posted on 04/24/2016

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I'm going to agree that 4 months is not long enough to start "blending" families. You need to slow down. There is a reason the divorce rate in second marriages is at 60% - because it is HARD. Very hard. I have been in my second marriage for 12 years (with a blended family - he had two kids, I had one, and we have since had another), and believe me, it is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. There have been times I didn't think we would make it, and it has taken a lot of work to get over those humps. A LOT of work. After 4 months of dating? I don't think it's a good idea.

Ashley Mariah - posted on 04/24/2016

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Me too! It's like life has a chart planning out everyday, and all of the sqaures for planning this say "let's make her lose her mind!"

Ashley Mariah - posted on 04/24/2016

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That's fine:) yesterday I forgot what day it was. I felt like I was going crazy:) When my friend called me I actually asked her "Today is Saturday, correct?" Lol!

Michelle - posted on 04/23/2016

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Do you have any children?
Have you discussed with your new BF what your role is?

Dove - posted on 04/23/2016

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Honestly... if you've only been divorced a year it's way too early to think about blending into a new family. Other than that... no advice, sorry. I've been single for 8 years and wouldn't have it any other way. lol

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