Mom allowing/encouraging? her child to be mean to mine...
MOST HELPFUL POSTS
Ariana - posted on 01/31/2013
You should really just ignore it. The less you REALLY care the less it's going to bother you.
I just want to point out you say you decline her invitations, but are also upset about her inviting people right in front of you or her daughter. If she's invited you places as well why would it bother you to have other people invited? At this point you declined her invitations (for your own reasons) but you can't get upset when she invites others around you.
Who cares? You obviously are not this womans friend anymore so let it go. She can have her playdates and parties, it's not your problem anymore. She doesn't HAVE to include your daughter just like I'm sure you aren't inviting her daughter to playdates either.
You shouldn't invite other moms out to get back at Dana but maybe you should invite other moms just so your daughter has other kids to play with and you have other moms to talk to/focus on. The best you can do is be happy and ignore this women.
As for your daughter being upset by this girl that is understandable, but once again, the other girl doens't have to play with her or like her. Teach your daughter that if this girl ignores her that she should go to other girls/friends to play with. As soon as she gets a signal like that she should simply walk away. Teach her to not spend time on people who aren't going to be nice to her and ignore the other girl. Girls do that for power, I'm talking to HER and not YOU. They only stop when you stop being bothered by it (or at least then you don't really care).
Surround yourself with positive people and stay out of this womans way. If she's in the same activities who cares? Don't talk to her just like you already are and smile and be nice if you see her but don't involve yourself with her.
Once again you should try to get playdates with other moms so your kid has other girls to talk to and be around. Plus you'll stop worrying about this woman when you've got other people to talk to and think about. Once you let go of this, and really let go not act like you don't care, it will stop bothering you. You're allowing this woman to do exactly what she wants which is bug you to death, don't play into the drama.
Have you asked Dana specifically why she is excluding you and your child? Don't ask her in an email, ask her in person. When you see her, and she starts to smile and make small talk, just say "Hey, I heard you and the girls got together last week, is there some reason I am not being included?"
Also, for future reference, never tell someone others are talking about them behind their back, and then refuse to name the person doing the talking. If the person doing the talking wanted the person they were talking about to know how they felt, they would tell them. EVERYONE does something or other that annoys someone else and when we are annoyed, we "vent" or chat about the annoyance to our friends. It doesn't mean we want to hurt the person we're talking about, or that we don't like them in their whole capacity, or that we don't want to be friends. It just means we don't agree with something they did.
Now, if they were telling LIES, that would be a different story, and you should tell your friend what was said, but you should also tell her who said it so that she can confront the person. In fact, anytime you choose to tell someone that others are talking about them behind their back, you should specifically say who was talking so that the person being talked about can address the situation. When you told her others were talking about her, but didn't tell her who, you did nothing for her but hurt her ego/feelings. She couldn't address the people talking about her because she didn't know who they were. Her only option was to change herself to conform, but if they were complaining about something she felt strongly about, she couldn't even argue her case for doing what she did that annoyed them.
If you find yourself listening to people bad-mouthing others, and it makes you feel uncomfortable, just excuse yourself.
This conversation has been closed to further comments
Kristi - posted on 01/31/2013
To be honest, this sounds like some version of the movie Mean Girls or any other high school drama where there is one big bully who bosses everybody else around. Meanwhile, all the other drama queens are either doing whatever they can to please her or gather together behind her back to bitch about her. It's like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory...that woman is holding the 5 golden tickets and all the other women want one so game on. Then whoever doesn't receive a magical ticket, it's a bitchfest. But, no doubt if one of the previously excluded gets the golden ticket next time, damn straight she's going with bells on. Maybe I am misunderstanding your comments and if so I apologize but you all are susposed to be grown women. You all need to grow up and put your big girl panties on. Like Kelly said, speak to her face to face.
I mean does Dana have that many parties with all the other kids except your daughter all the time? Why would you setting up a playdate be seen as a competition with her? I find it hard to believe that all these women never have any plans so that when Dana decides to throw a party for everyone at the last minute, they can all go.
Be your own person and quit caring about how things might look to other people. If you want to have a couple of moms and kids over, have them over and screw Dana and anyone else that feels the need to talk smack. Tell your daughter that there are all kinds of people in the world. There will be some we like a lot and some not so much and other people will feel the same way about us. Teach her to be respectful but that it's ok for her to stand up for herself. Explain that you don't know why but Dana's daughter is one of the people that is on the list of people who are on the "not so much" list. Ask her who is on her "a lot" list and set up a playdate with her or them. I'm sure you can find a more eloquent way of explaining it to her than this but hopefully you get the idea.
But seriously, as hard as it is to keep from joining in on the gossip, you need to mind your own business. Look after you and yours. When you have other moms over or you are together at the park, try to talk about common interests...movies, great sales, cute things your kids did, stupid things your husbands did, birthday party ideas, scrap booking, etc...if the conversation turns toward gossip, just stay out of it. If you happen to agree with them, just smile and nod and say I feel your pain. Then maybe suggest that person take it up with whomever she is upset with. Hopefully, others will start to follow your lead and the childishness will diminish.
One last thought, if you feel strongly about how manipulative and two faced Dana is and you believe she is fake, don't accept any golden tickets. Respectfully decline no matter how bad your daughter wants to go. When you are at home you can explain it to your daughter. It's a matter of principle.
Molly - posted on 01/30/2013
Thank you for your reply! I agree...spreading information without a source is like telling someone there is a restaurant in town that causes food poisoning but not telling them which one. LOL
Don't want to sound defensive, but I realize I left a lot out of the story so I didn't ramble on and on:
She is one of those women who says she HATES negativity...I mean really hates it. So even if someone is saying (true story) how they had a bad day because someone was rude to them, Dana will cut them off mid sentence or walk away and mumble about people being negative or having drama. I get not wanting to hear someone bad mouth others, but there is also some good in allowing a person to vent a little about a clerk at a store being rude to them. But then she will make passive aggressive comments about people not being good mothers, etc. So asking her pointedly about something that she sees as confrontational or drama will just get that kind of response. I have seen her do this more than once. She has gotten REALLY angry with her child if she doesn't do as she expects. So when her child was shy and didn't want to get in a group picture, Dana flipped. It's all about things being HER way and how things appear. (Hence the speaking to me...there are always people around and she is dripping with sugar the entire time.) There are more examples, but I digress...
Because of that, I made the comments in a way that said "hey I think some people may be uncomfortable with some of the changes you made" and offered to let her know more if she wanted it. My words were something like: "I can give you the fly on the wall perspective if you are interested". She actually didn't want to know who the persons were. I was going to tell her because they weren't really talking about her so much as they were saying they felt like they wouldn't be able to participate in the group with the changes. Who they were, was actually a big part of understanding their perspective, but she didn't want to know and started bashing the women without me saying their names. That honestly made me realize that she KNEW her actions made them feel excluded since I hadn't said who it was. (I actually found out from one of the women later that she told Dana that she felt like she was going to have trouble participating with the new changes and Dana told her that she shouldn't return. Grrr!!!)
So I was letting her know that some of the changes may have left some people out. (She is mid 40s with one child and the other moms are mid to late 20s with multiple children so there is often a lack of understanding at who needs/wants what.) Her response was basically to defend her actions, say that the position would be "better" in her hands and then tell me how I was again being negative. Yeah...after all that, she was calling me negative. I did tell her that I didn't care for her judgmental attitude about the mom with multiple children because I didn't think any of us were in a position to judge her (the mom has seven kids). That of course, got a "whatever" type of response.
She actually has talked about me behind my back and doesn't know I found out. The person she talked to, defended me and let me know about it. It was actually about my son. She constantly would criticize the boys in the group for being rowdy and when someone would tell her that boys tend to be a little more active sometimes, she couldn't let it go. So she decided to trash talk about some of the boys including my son to someone she didn't realize I was close to and it got back to me.
The more I type, the more I am wondering why I even bother speaking to this woman "to be civil". She definitely has not shown civility to me or those around me. SMH
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