Mom died in 2000. Dad is dating a manipulative woman. my brothers and I need to know how to advise him she is a very bad choice.

Margo - posted on 02/12/2014 ( 8 moms have responded )

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So here i am divorced myself. Putting myself thru college at 40 something. Working raising my child and staying at dads. Something we all agreed to. I'm rebuilding my life from scratch when along comes a seemly sweet old lady who is now after 5 months tearing family apart.
what do i do? My brothers and sisters agree. She is manipulating things and needs a reality check. She new what she was getting into. She hates me. I've done nothing but been nice. She has been left at the alter twice. My father will never marry her. I am earning my degree and she will do anything to pull him away from me. Either put me down humiliate me or ignore me. If I do she makes it an issue so I ignored it and do my thing.
my dad and I are on good terms. She always finds a way to get her digs in. Will walk out of the room when I am there. If I follow she will walk out and go into another room.
She will have my father go to bed early and watch ( olympics) if I join in watching the program.
If I'm speaking to him she will pull him into the bedroom and ask his advise on a dress to wear as if he has a clue on women's fashion.
It's bad it's ridiculous and I'm so embarrassed for her. She very Immature. I want my father to be happy but she is a mistake.
how do I approach it without hurting him?
I did think of hiring a nanny for after care a friend of mine his age she'd be awsome.
is that under handed?
Please advise. '

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Jeanne - posted on 02/13/2014

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Okay, I am not interested in the other posts about you changing your story.
Since my mom has gone through dating again, I am going to respond to your post now from that perspective. I hated one of the guys that she dated and told her so, and we discussed like two mature adults. But I also accepted that she knew how the man was acting. If you are close enough to your dad, which I would hope considering you moved back home, I would assume you are close enough to talk to your dad. However, realize this if your dad is in love with this woman you had better tread softly! I would perhaps sit down just the two of you and tell him gently of your concerns. If he still wants to see this woman then you must accept that he knows what is best for him. You are still basically a guest in his home even though he loves you you cannot take the place of your mom or mate. If it is casual then I would not worry too much unless he decides to marry her.
You MUST not get a nanny (I think you mean a caregiver) unless you want to start a huge rift between you and your father! Then you are no better than the girlfriend that you find immature!

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/13/2014

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Wow, Margo, really mature that you can't even own up to your own responses.

If, as you say, (And TBH, I am having trouble believing ANY of your story, since it's changing rapidly...A sure sign of dishonesty, really) that your father is the one saying that she's being manipulative, then its your father who needs to address that with her.

Nice that you threw in that the nanny is for your kid...You made it sound like your father is a doddering old man who needs in home assistance!

Get your story straight, and try again.

Jodi - posted on 02/13/2014

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It's interesting to see you have deleted your posts and changed your story. I know I didn't originally comment on this thread, but I did read all the posts. You have definitely changed your story.

"Working raising my child and staying at dads. Something we all agreed to. I'm rebuilding my life from scratch"

^^^this here does not indicate you own the house in any way - it is dad's house according to your original post.

Margo - posted on 02/13/2014

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Nanny is for my daughter. Work full time college fulltime. Therefore im.not home every waking moment. I live in my home the house i helped build. Invested in. Continue to put value in by improvements and pay mortgage.
I was looking for advise on how to approach her about her attitude.
By the way. She is at her daughters house again where she normally lives. When her daughter needs her she calls her here and off she goes with her bag then out the door. When her daughter dosent need her she comes here with a chip on her shoulder. In short. I guess im dumping ground. Her opening statement of needing to Live here because she was loosing her home was a lie. She lives wiith her daughter. She stays here on occasion for 2 to 7 days then goes back again. And it repeats. = manipulation. Her target is to squeeze me out of my own home. Get it ? She has no reason to feel the way she does. She has no authority to remove me from my own home i have WITH my father and daughter. My question is how.do I approach her in front of dad and not hurt or upsethim while I relay wwhat's going on. He and I agree. She is bad additude. I was asking here for help.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/12/2014

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But, see, what I'm trying to tell you is you are martyring yourself.

It's your dad's life, not yours. You don't have to like the people that he chooses to have in his life. He's a big boy. And, you and your brothers are also adults who need to understand that.

Sounds to me like you thought you were moving Cinderella in, and then when she didn't fall over in gratitude, and kiss your feet for 'allowing' her to move in to your father's home (not yours...his), you got upset about that. I'm sorry that I don't wear blinders, either. Been there, done that, came back with both t-shirts. I can see the forest for the trees, so to speak, because I've been there.

Plus, you make no sense. "she does it to me and places her daughter in the center dropping her name 5 times a day" What on earth are you talking about? What does she 'do' to you? And why should she not mention her daughter? What do you think her opinion is of you and your brothers accusing her of being incredibly interfering, condescending, and manipulative? How is she manipulative?

And who in the hell is putting you down? I certainly didn't...

And, if he's happy, again, I'd like to point out, that was your initial point to begin with, that she was someone to make him happy...then what is your gripe?

Your dad's an adult. He doesn't have to agree with you, nor your brothers, and if he likes this woman, and wants to be in a relationship with her, you need to respect his choices in that regard, as you would expect him to respect yours (seeing as how you are an adult, you'd be bent if the situation were reversed)

And, if your family is divided, then not all of you dislike this woman, at least that is what I'm seeing when you say the family is divided...some are on your side, others aren't. That doesn't mean that you're being put down, that means that you're being disagreed with.

So, if you want to 'make it nice for his sake', start treating his choice of partners a little better.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/12/2014

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Is your father mentally incompetent? Does he have intellectual disorders that prevent him from making proper life decisions?

Or are you a child who doesn't want to see her dad married to (or in a relationship with) anyone other than her mother? Because, to be quite honest, if you're 40, you have absolutely no say in what your father does with his time, his attentions, etc.

Look, I get it. He's your dad. I'm the same way, in a sense. My folks have been divorced since '83. Dad's remarried twice. The first was a wonderful woman who took on 3 difficult step kids (because of our ages at the time, we weren't so 'understanding' about the situation). The second is a (IMO) money grubbing bitch who doesn't deserve to be associated with my father. Like I said, IN MY OPINION. But, my Dad is 67 years old, and I don't have any say in HIS life. It's HIS life! Not mine!

So, even though I don't like the woman, I am an adult. If she makes my dad happy, that's what matters. You've not stated anywhere that I can see that there are warning signs to be concerned about. She's not abusing him, she's not controlling him, you and she just don't get along, and to be honest, probably never will. She probably looks at you and wonders why on earth, at the age of 40, you are still living with your dad. She wonders when she'll get to have her man to herself, without having to share every waking moment with his daughter and grandkids who are living in his home.

Not being accusatory, here, but she's seeing things in one perspective, you are in another, and neither of them are likely to coincide or agree. And, yes, you going behind your back to hire a 'nanny' for your father? stepping WAY out of line with that idea.

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