Mom needs friends

Brenda - posted on 09/09/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )

3

0

1

Ok so I have been a. Stay at home home since my youngest was born and he's 16mons now... I feel as me and my fiancé dont spend anytime together an he wants to go out and hunt an fish more cause he says he's unhappy since he hasn't been going and I lost all my so called friends ... Why cause I have children? I can't go out anymore ? Idk. I need a circle of women that understand what it's like to be a parent/ stay at home mom.... I want to go out . I can never do that with out taking my children cause he doesn't want to just sit home and watch kids and we can't afford a sitter .

Someone help!

2 Comments

View replies by

Guest - posted on 09/10/2014

460

0

26

Two things: Have a talk with your guy, and join a mom's group (or two)

Set aside a time to talk with your guy about how your time needs to be allocated. Try to give him a days notice or so that you want to have this discussion, and tell him to make up a list of all of the things he would like to have time for each day, and each week, and you do the same. Before you had children, it was easy to have time for both yourself and each other, but kids complicate that.

EXAMPLE
Dad's Day: Work, Dinner, TV / Relaxation time
Mom's Day: Play w/ kid, dinner, TV / Relaxation time, various chores (list those out)
Dad's Week: Hunting trip, night out with guys, family outing
Mom's week: Shopping for home, evening out with girlfriends, family time,

Look at the lists and block of time for everyone to meet their goals.
First look for things you can do together, like dinner, some relaxation things, etc. and block out specific times for them. Dinner every day at 6pm, together time without the kids every night at 9pm, etc.
Next look at things you want to do on your own and need each other to watch the kids for. During his work hours, you get the kids--that's your job--but outside of his work hours, you BOTH get the kids. He may work outside the home, but that doesn't mean that everything inside the home is your responsibility--you both need to have equal work hours. So after work, if he wants to do something with the guys or on his own and needs you to watch the kids, he needs to agree that if you watch them for him, he will watch them for you for the same amount of time. Block out the times you will watch the kids, the times he will watch them, and the time you will both be home to spend quality time with them.


As for friends. When people become parents, a rift does usually develop between them and their childless friends. Not so much because the childless friends don't have time, but because the mom doesn't have time. The new mom's often expect their old friends to change for them because they've had a child, and that doesn't always work out because a woman without a child has no idea what a woman with a child needs. To you, it seems like common sense--ask me to go to lunch or the park, not the club--but she won't think of that. Also, they often feel like if they call to gab with you they are distracting you from your kids--think about your last phone chat with a friend. How many times did you have to tell her to hold on while you spoke to a kid, got something for a kid, or had a kid yelling in the back ground? I've been on both sides of that line, and if I'm the one without a kid, about 10 minutes in, I usually feel like I'm just in the way and need to let the poor mom go do her thing and she'll call me when she has time.....then she never calls. YOU have to call your friends and keep that connection open, and you have to recommend and invite them to the places you want to go. That said, some childless women just can't meet those new requirements--you just don't have the same values and interests anymore. So join a mom's group, or a book club, or go volunteer somewhere, or take your kids to library programs, extra curricular activities, and such where you can meet like minded mom's and women.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms