Mom vs Step Mom + ice hockey

Nicole - posted on 08/30/2013 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Crazy subject matter post, huh? I wrote in the past about problems I'm currently having with my 16 yr old. I've been the custodial parent all 16 years, his father remarried and moved to Nevada/Virginia. He moved back 2+ years ago. During his time away, he disowned his entire family for a total of 9 years! I was their only link to our 16 year old...and went far beyond for them all.

Now he's back because his grandmother passed away (2+ yrs ago) and best friend (months later). As a result he has mended relationships with his family. When I say mended, I just mean, they buried their heads in the sand and just accepted him back.

I did everything for my son, all the while maintaining a tight relationship with my ex's family. I thought I was doing a pretty good job as he excelled in school and became active in sports. He was my poster child, so proud of him! We had such an amazing bond and love....

7/13th it all changed. His father has managed to encourage/convince/manipulate him to move in his house about 25 minutes away all because he can play ice hockey for high school. The district we live in doesn't offer it. Keep in mind, however, he also plays for a team out in Mt. Laurel (1 hour 10 min away) that his father just recently encouraged him to join as well. As a result I lost $2100 for a broken contract with the team he played with for the previous 2 years that was local. So there was my first compromise. Thing is his father travels Mon - Frid....so ultimately he will be raised by his stepmother... pretty hard pill to swallow.

Both his father/stepmother have gone out of their way throughout the years to try and make my life miserable, and now they finally succeeded. He no longer talks to me, because I am the only one on his father's side of the family in opposition of his leaving to play 20 games of hs hockey and live with his step mother. Funny how quickly the family he abandoned for 9 years are now backing him up and slowly turning against me. The lies and manipulation have broken my heart and blown me away. The stepmother hates me, I've asked to sit with her through the years to discuss why, and she just states "its personal". She has been vindictive from day 1. His father continually calls me names; c*nt, narcissist, selfish, evil bit**, etc...simply because he is jealous of my relationship with our son. I know most would think I have had to do something for them to hate me, trust me I don't even know.

He blamed me for the falling out of his family for 9 years, but I didn't even know they had stopped communicating with him for 2+ years before the mother reached out to me. It's been a constant battle over the simplest things. I can't tell you how many times he has brought me to court for the most ridiculous things. For example, when our son was 10 he noticed he was calling me to often when he was out in Nevada for visits. He asked the courts to only allow 1 call per day and between 9-8 Nevada time. That's just one of the many ridiculous things I had to fight. Now, I'm forced to fight for my son to return home and attend the school he is registered in.

Be honest with me, how many mothers would just allow their son to leave to go play hs ice hockey and live with this type of step mother? Before you answer, I will add that his Mt. Laurel team practices 2 x per week at 9:20 pm yes pm. He won't be home until 11:30 pm, then he will have games every sat/sun. So really is it necessary to play hs hockey on top of this schedule. Also the travel hockey that is Mt. Laurel starts from august until feb or march. HS hockey is Oct - January and 20 games total. The schedules conflict as well.
Besides, if I agree to this what about this family, when will he see his little brother (6) and his oldest sister (19) that he's lived with their entire lives? What about me??

My son has been so alienated from me that he won't even pick up the phone. His father has been in continuous violation of our court order, and now even after losing in court yesterday when he asked for an emergent hearing to have custodial living arrangements changed and was denied, our son still says he is not coming home! He states, he wants nothing more to do with me because of all my lies, my lies???? I don't have a clue what he is talking about...I'm so broken...

Please tell me what you would do in this situation....ask any questions necessary, I really need some solid advice. BTW, I do have an attorney and even that and a court order isn't working. Does this make sense, would any one else agree to let their child just go for this reason? or fight?

5 Comments

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Nicole - posted on 09/07/2013

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I'm questioning her...only because I've never used this site,and don't know if the responses are necessarily those of other mothers or women that never had children.
For the record, this site isn't the only place I'm seeking resolution/answers...I've been speaking to a therapist throughout.

Yesterday, my therapist and I went over text conversation between my son and I and he immediately said this is not a normal situation and in fact is "parent alienation syndrome". This is not just a 16 yr old that is missing or wanting to experience living with his father, this goes much deeper.

I appreciate all the input I received and feel for those mother's that are going through or have gone through similar situations.

Mardi - posted on 09/06/2013

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Yes Nicole, I have 3 children, been divorced for 15yrs and the youngest is 17 now.
My son is now 19, but from 15 to 18, went to live with his father......it was something I always knew he would do, but it took until he hit hormonal raging stages for him to finally allow himself to fight us and go......I never stopped him and kept the lines of comminication open (not suffocating him with messages, but letting him know every blue moon I was still there for him when he needed me). He moved back when he realised his dad wasn't helping him. I got a nearly 18yr old with a bare minimal pass from high school, no work experience, no idea what he wanted to study, no license and no savings. Oh and a drug problem.
It was a long year to sort him out, he got a job, got into a course he is interested in, got his license, car and now has his own place....and his drug problem, no longer rules his life......I haven't been able to wipe it out completely, and he is an adult now, its something he has to learn to live with or choose to stop himself.

The worst thing I could have done for my son was to make him choose........there is nothing worse to a child of divorce.
You have the extra problem of asking him to choose you over someone he doesn't know. You, he knows, and I'm sure while he loves you, he has days he doesn't like you much. His father has obviously given him an alternative, and he is running with that. He only has his life with you to compare things with, You have to look at this as an experience he needs to have to be complete and know the other side of his direct genetics. He may very well come back and hate the things about his father that goes against everything you have taught him bringing him up. You have to have faith, if you were a good parent and did hte right thing, in the end, you wont be judged for anything else. You may even be thanked for allowing him to have this opportunity to get to really know his father.

Is it fair how he has done this.....NO. But hes a teen, he doesn't get fair, he's still on the learning curve. Love him, cut him some slack and let him go. Just let him know the door is always open and you will alway be his mother, if he is there or not.

Sorry I didn't get back to this, I have spent the last week in hospital, I hope my delay hasn't discredited my advice.

Michelle - posted on 08/31/2013

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Nicole: Why question someone, who has given you some help, so much?
Mardi Is right though, at 16 you can't force him to live with you. I honestly didn't read the whole post because it was far too long.

Nicole - posted on 08/31/2013

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Do you have children? What are their ages? If so are you married to their father? Have you shared the same or similar situation? I would like some more info before considering your opinion. Thank you.

Mardi - posted on 08/31/2013

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Stop fighting your son on this, he has made it clear this is what he wants,. At 16, he is too big to drag home, almost an adult. Let him know you love him and will always be there for him, then let him go. If you have done your job well, he will survive living at his fathers for a while.

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