moms please help! i lost my sex drive!!! =(

Toshia - posted on 05/16/2012 ( 40 moms have responded )

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I am 24 years old and before I had kids, my husband and I were ALWAYS having sex! ATLEAST twice a day, everyday. I even self pleasure at times when he was at work. Sex was a must for us. I got pregnant and then husband deployed to Afghanistan for 7 months. When he came back, after not seeing him for so long, of course we were back on our usual routine. But after i had my daughter i noticed my sex drive took a major fall back. We would only have sex about 2-3 times a week which i thought was because i was always tired and thought it was completely normal after just having a baby. Well i got pregnant again with my second daughter when my oldest was 6 months old. Again, after having her, i experienced the same symptoms and thought it was because i had my hands full with two girls. And i figured it would come back. Well my youngest is now 7 months old and i still have absolutely no desire to want to have sex or participate in any sort of sexual encounters. Not even the desire to self pleasure. But i dont get turned on like i used to, sex doesn't feel good to me anymore and i feel like its impossible for me to orgasm! I love my husband with all my heart and i feel so horrible for not wanting sex and when we do i hate that he knows its not enjoyable to me but i dont know why i am still like this! I dont have medical anymore so i can't turn to my doctors, so im asking you all! Have any of you experienced this? If so, how long will it last or what can i do?? We've tried watching porn, foreplay etc.. I feel so alone in this and i dont know what to do and i really dont want it to come between my marriage. Please moms, HELP ME!!

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Katie - posted on 05/16/2012

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Yup, it definitely happens (says the crazy lady who just had her 3rd baby in 3 years)
It really does require work and planning. Its not always fun and spontaneous and loud and crazy like it used to be... For pete's sake, we have a 4 month old in the bassinet next to the bed and a2 year old in the crib on the other side of our room... But its important. Its important to your husband s well being and his ego. In the mood our not, do it and fake it. It will come back. In the meantime, allow him to enjoy himself. Men will never understand anyway, even a much as they want to... My husband asked if I was cheating!! If I had the time to cheat... I'd rather be sleeping. But, I don't want him feeling threatened like that. Give it time, use KY. Enjoy eachother and not just the orgasm. Don't feel alone. It sucks, but its totally normal.

Joan - posted on 05/17/2012

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sound like everybody needs to buy some lube,that will take care of one problem.i told my husband if he wants to keep me like he found me then he needs to treat me like he used to.he needs to date me,spend time also remember i am like a slow cooker not a microwave,it will take some time and attention.

Amanda - posted on 05/16/2012

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I am also going through this. I really hate it but i havent figured out anything yet. I also do not have any insurance anymore. For me i feel its a mixture of hormones, not feeling very pretty anymore, and my three kids now. Im also breastfeeding and i know for sure that complicate my natural lubrication down there. For now im just riding it out, and i started to workout to see if that makes anything happen. Sorry if im not much help, im in the same boat. It feels horrible, me and my husband were very very sexually active :(......... Hoping for the best in the future

Amanda - posted on 10/05/2012

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Love it... I think I am the same way... one of my sayings was "I am like an oven you need to warm me up before I get hot". He would charge me sometimes like i was the red flagged that got waved in front of a bull... I want to jump into the passion like I did before. find myself stressed out and running my thouhts like crazy as to..... "did I shave as good as I thought"? "Damet I really should have scrubbed my heels as they are wrapped around his waist". "Or crap what dentist appointment for which kid is coming up??" Still haven't figured out how to deal with it????? But life is life.... love is love... and with that combo we figure how to deal with it all.

Josephine - posted on 05/16/2012

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I'm actually in the same boat as you...but I have medical....they just can't clinically diagnose me with anything...I also had my tubes tied....but I try to give into my husband.....maybe it's just that spontaneity is missing. Because lets face it with kids around you can't just lock yourself in your room for the hour! It sucks when you know it's you.....

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[deleted account]

I am a 33 year old loving husband and my relationship with my wife is great but as ever testing at times.. We have an amazing 2 year old son who is the light of our lives.. Everything is pretty much perfect because we are so strong together, but I'm starting to feel like I cant satisfy or intrigue my wife sexualy... She's attracted to me, as I her, and says amazing things and I really do feel that she loves me with all her heart but sex is just not of any importance, even though we talk about it loads. I feel a bit completely lost and I really need some guidance as I don't feel anything is massively wrong relationship wise. I'm so very confused as to when and how to seduce my wife and if its the right thing to instigate at the time, most often than not ending in confusion and arguments... even though we are so so close.... I'm really confused as I love my wife and I know she loves me but this is driving me up the wall.... Toshia, reading your note makes me realise that men and woman are in this together and we are not that singled out with our problems. I wish I could advise you more other than to say talk to each other and that, to me, is always the way forward. Men and women are different species and we reactact in different ways.. Hearing the female version of my issue makes me feel like I understand more. Sorry to waffle.. R

Shay - posted on 10/16/2012

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I'm going Thur this now. My boyfriend is upset. I've never giving oral sex so if we don't have sex we don't have anything I'm lost please help

Amanda - posted on 10/05/2012

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Yeah my ex was casted by another chick.... I took it as a blessing cause now I am with a man that loves me.... my good and bad. Wish you luck lady.

Amanda - posted on 10/05/2012

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No medical? But he is in service right?....... I am the same way I had two children. My boyfriend has two children. So three years ago we moved in.... we where all over the place even with our hands full... but the honey moon was short lived.... a year and half later it dwindelled out... the stress of life and the modivation an desire has drained me. I know for me sex is an emotional kind of trusting issue. I am still trying to find the answer we all our looking for but unfortantly there is no pill or advice to give I too am trying to find the answer too. I am 29 and have the meriana ( plastic I.u.d.) kind of noticed a pattern as i briefly read through the comments...... what the hell happen? I mean all I have ever heard was how crazy "our hormones" would get when we hit around our 30's..... but nothing has changed? I want to rock my mans world but I cant seem to get out of my yoga pants even though I rearly do yoga and stay awake past 8:30? Not fair....... I kind of think its depression.... we are to hard on ourselfs.... guys don't have periods, pregantcy, or sex drive issues well not tell their 40's hell 50's not sure when vigara is used.... but at this point good luck to us all... oxoxo

[deleted account]

Lol, you didn't lose it - it just changed. You have a baby touching you, cuddling you, kissing you, and everything else all the time - the small touches that used to be sensual are now motherly.



If I may suggest - look up Mark Gungor. He's a marriage and sex counselor person guy thing (not sure exactly what you'd call him...speaker maybe?) He's got some incredibly funny, real, and down-to-earth on sex after kids, along with everything else :)

Jamie - posted on 06/28/2012

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I think my problem is a bit different n don't understand it. My sons father n I did it every chance we got a few months after n then he become an idiot. He didn't want his son just me he wouldn't even say hi to him so I kicked him out n never heard from him since. It's been 8 months now n I want to have sex but no desire to meet a man or date again. Have not even tried to please myself. I don't understand this.

User - posted on 05/17/2012

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Im with some of u. My husband gets very frustrated with our loss of an active sex life. I dont have any answers, i love him, im attracted to him and when im there i love having sex with him, but i have to talk myself into it. There are alot of reasons, no time, kids one with autisum, tired, head ache. I have talked to my dr. we did hormone tests and at 30 my hormones r fine( whatever fine means!). I dont think this is much help but i like knowing im not the only woman to feel this way!

Melony - posted on 05/17/2012

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I had no loss of drive with my first child. But with my second... it was horrible! Probably once every 3 months after birth! And it was just to be a nice wife. =( I was working 60 hours a week and breastfeeding/pumping. Getting intimate with my husband was the last thing I wanted to do. There were ALOT of factors in my loss of drive, but it was NEVER because of my husband... I think that you should look at some natural vitamins and make sure that you get to set aside some time EVERYDAY to yourself. Go walking, lift some weights, or even go visit the salon. I'm sorry. But you are not alone!!! =)

Joan - posted on 05/17/2012

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ask for a complete hormonal panel to be done.i went in to a premature menopause after having my first.i told my dr over and over there was a problem but all i got back was yoy're way to young.after many years they checked my hormones and found i was perimenapausal(sp).
if you're dr is no help go to another.

Rachel - posted on 05/17/2012

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My son is 2 1/2 and I have to say, I am in the same sex drought as all of you...I never had issues in this area before having a child. I cant blame the fact that we never have sex on having a child but my hormones are obviously not the same...When I think about it, I find myself finding reasons not to have sex...Like, he didnt do the dishes he said he was going to do...so again I ended up doing them...I guess it bothers me when he says he will do something and it takes days to get done...Or I dont know...i just feel like there is no romance or that it isnt spontanious anymore...so it takes the fun out of it....i guess I just dont know my own body anymore. I feel like my mind wants it but my body just cant get to the same level of thought that my mind is at...I am too young to have issues getting wet...I am 25 years old and feel like ive lost my youth and i definitely feel like i will eventually lose my husband.

User - posted on 05/17/2012

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I'm in a very similar place. Only, I'm still pregnant-this time with my third child- normally I'm very frisky when pregnant and when I'm not. What helped me is to ask my boyfriend to let me come to him because I felt pressured when he made the moves on me. I actually currently prefer to have sex late at night after we have both had a little nap. I know I don't feel attractive, so the life lighting helps me.

User - posted on 05/17/2012

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ladies... it's hormonal as well as normal, and for myself it has a lot to do w/ self-image. before the baby, it was alway 'me" that was up for it, now i don't think about it. the hubby loving refers to me as a 'sex camel", i can go w/o it for long periods of time!! lol i think it helps to share your feeling about what your going through w/ your spouse. of course others mom's going thru the samething and sharing ideas of things that have worked for them also helps. :) I am still working thru this...my daughter will be 1yr old in a week and it does help to try and carve out some time together such as 'date night' or as soon as there asleep turning off the distractions like tv, housework and just enjoy eachothers company, you never know where it may lead...

Ashley - posted on 05/17/2012

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I have the same problem. I'm on birth control though and that can change your moods or sex drive. I have twin girls that just turned 2 and it's frustrating for both my husband and I can't get in the mood! :(

Heather - posted on 05/17/2012

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I have the same problem. I am in nursing school and My daughter is six, but this started after she was born. I am tired. I stay up late studying and get up early to get her to school. I take care of my grandmother and now my mom may be sick. The last thing on my mind is getting busy. The first thing on my husbands mind is getting busy! We get very few nights out because I dont have a sitter and we have been married 12 years so its sort of a been there done that type thing when we do have sex(I know that awful and I am appropriately ashamed) I love him with every fiber of my being but I dont get that turned on either. I dont know if its normal or just something we as women go through periodically.

Lisa - posted on 05/17/2012

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Wow, I feel even less alone on this topic now. My husband and I didn't have sex for almost 2 years after our daughter was born. And she is 4 now. It is still not very often and even then I dread it. I do enjoy it to some degree, but it is such work. It doesn't help that he has to have the same routine every time. Lately especially, I feel so digusted by it and stay as far away from him as possible. I am even sleeping in our extra bedroom at the moment, but that is more due to his snoring that rings through out the whole house each night. But is also keeps him from waking me up in the middle of the night wanting sex.
I have done lots of soul searching and tried to figure out what the problem is. I have discovered it has to do with getting my own emotional needs met. The more stressed that I am, the less interest I have in sex. We both work full time but the majority of child rearing and taking care of the hosue falls to me. It has to do with the way my husband was raised. I am exhausted every night and every weekend and the last thing I want to do is cater to one more person's needs when I barely have time to myself. The only time to myself I get is when my daughter naps on the weekend or is in bed. But there is always dishes, laundry or something else i need to get done. When I do take time out and read or watch TV I end up feeling guilty cause I am not getting things done that need to be done.
So in the end I don't want to have sex and worry about taking care of someone else or having the burden of making sure one more person is satsified by something I am doing.
When my husband helps out around the house and contributes more to helping take some stress off, then I am more inclined to have sex with him, cause I have more energy.
Being a mom takes a toll on all of us, especially if we are trying as hard as we can to be the best mom we can. We spend all our time taking care of little ones and we dont' need to take care of a grown up kid too. Just once I would like someone to take care of me and say "don't worry about cleaning the house, looking for quality child care, staying home from work with a sick kid. Why don't you just take a day to yourself and do nothing" But we all know that in most cases that doesn't happen especially if you are a single mom.
the best advice I can give is set aside time for you and your significant other and try to get back what you once had. We are trying and it is slowly getting better. My husband is trying to help out more and when he does, he even remarks that he sees a difference in me.
Good luck ladies. If anyone needs to chat more, just email me.

Lizzy - posted on 05/17/2012

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This is amazing! I am a mother of 4, and am still enjoying sex as if i never had children.. Nobody can force to sex, it will come naturally.. And the most part of it, is you have to be romantic and sexy for your husband, don't let child bearing seperate you and your husband.. Though, it is not easy to be a mother, but the point is we all have different body... Be wise and make some adjustment...

Jenn - posted on 05/16/2012

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I am 29 now and have been with my boyfriend for 6years and counting.. And I can so relate to this because when we first dated we had it everyday 3-4 times a day for the first 2 years. I have two kids ages 3 and 5 during this time. But I have had my IUD in for 7years and didnt really notice a change in my drive well yeah guess it was hot and heavy then sort of died away...After my youngest turned 7 i had it removed because my moods were out of whack and thought my sex drive was affected by this..but no ...But we also don't really have sex either... We actually split up for 6 months because I thought I had a problem....? So we didn't know what else to do.. But I also am not really a sexual person anymore but do pleasure myself daily.. Maybe that's my problem..? But you are so not alone!!! I know guess I need advice too!! Haha but we are back together and maybe have sex 2 maybe 3 times a week..? But I think mine is an attractive part as well.. I don't really find my man a gorgeous man but his intelligence and other things make him attractive if that makes sense... I love him and we are so compatible! I just thought I can relate kinda and your not alone here..

Andrea - posted on 05/16/2012

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wow! glad to know i am not the only one!!! my sone is 2 1/2 now and since pregnancy i have had a lack in the sexual desire department. its hard feeling this way.
do you feel unappreciated? or like you don't really thing he understands what you do with your baby all day? I'm a stay at home mom and my hubby works out of town. he is only home 8 days a month and we have sex maybe 4 out of those days and i am always giving in and doing it for him in hopes that one day i will enjoy it again.

however to make it more enjoyable for you be selfish! its okay, if the actual sex isn't pleasing to you how about the foreplay? or a nice message with candle light or just being nakie and cuddling after the fact? the actual act 'of' doesn't have to be the highlight of the event lol my hubs hates to cuddle. i run super hot and he likes to be cold so naturally the two don't mix well but he puts up with it because he knows i give in and do it for him so he does something for me :) yes its nice to get off to but there is more to enjoying being intimate the the actually sex part.

hope that helps!! get creative! :)

Jenny - posted on 05/16/2012

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I don't have to fake it I just have to force myself to want to do it... I don't no y... I don't want to hate sex I want it to go back to at least a couple times a week... And luckily I don't have to fake it, once we start I love it but the having to be quiet is hard I hate the pillows... Lol and the fact that I don't get "wet" I also hate.. I don't no what to do or say to him or my obgyn...

Briana - posted on 05/16/2012

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I am a divorced 25 y old mother of 2... When I was married I hated sex, it was a chore, I faked it 99% of the time, I don't know how I got pregnant to be honest... I never could get "wet"... we tried porn everything... Eventually he gave up on me and now I have been divorced for 4 years and I have a amazing sex life. I love sex, its not a chore, maybe it's cause my bf does not live with me.. Ladies I'm not saying divorce your husbands but I am saying you should tell them how you feel because the longer you hold it in and fake it just makes it like a chore...

Clabarre81 - posted on 05/16/2012

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I feel exactly the same way I have 3 kids and one on the way and honestly have not enjoyed sex since before my twins were born (they are the oldest) and they just turned 4! The thought of sex annoys me even grosses me out, I have to fake it with my husband it's horrible half of the time I cry during because it is so painful. I hate feeling this way I want to enjoy sex but don't at all. Sorry I know this is not helpful but just know you are not alone in feeling this way.

Michelle - posted on 05/16/2012

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Glad to know im not the only one... when my hubby and I got together it was all the time. It took us 2 and a half yrs to have our now 3 yr old daughter. Exactly two years later I got pregnant with my now 1 yr old daughter. After I had my youngest I had alot of issues that ended up in me having a hysterectomy. Since then I have NO desire at all. I do it for him when I start to feel so bad for him. Wish someone could help us figure out why we have these issues.

Crystal - posted on 05/16/2012

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The same thing has happened to me. My oldest is almost 3 and my youngest is 16 months. I thought things would go back to normal eventually but still not yet. It is a pretty big strain on the relationship. I have not talked to my doctor, because I don't know how to ask about it. But people who I have talked to say it is common and just a change in hormones. My menstrual cycle is extremely irregular too, and they say its the same thing. But everyone's bodies are different, some only take a couple months to go back to normal, and some people never really do. It is definately something to bring up to the doctor, they probably have something to regulate the hormones, but I know what you mean about not being able to afford it.

Jenny - posted on 05/16/2012

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Yea I have a toy from there and I sometimes use it when he's at work... But I want to be able to get excited with him...

Jenny - posted on 05/16/2012

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Well with us it is spontaneous.... I never no when I will give in to him and just let him gets pleases, it's usually at night anyway... I'm 22 about to be 23 in oct... I've never had this problem before having my daughter whose also born late oct... I'm not on birth control or anything bc I gain weight so easily... I've also been trying to get back down to my pre pregnancy weight which is around 100 but that's hard for me as well....I don't no what's going on and I about to give up.... I just don't want my and mybf to drift farther apart.... Any ideas?????

Rebecca - posted on 05/16/2012

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My oldest is almost 3 yr, my youngest is 7 mo. I had/have no desire still to this day! It is very frustrating. but I just Do it for him. but I would really like to enjoy sex again!! I'm sorry I am no help. but I am going through the same.

Debra - posted on 05/16/2012

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I had my DS while hubby was deployed so when he came home i was a tired over worked and under slept new mommy of a 4 month old. MY SEX DRIVE took a nose dive off of a tall cliff into shallow water....Its normal for some women to lose their drive.. have you tried Herbs sometimes those help or talk to you OBGYN about it. i dont want to get to personal but if your taking any meds for anti depression or anxiety they can have a huge effect on your sex drive. I was the same way as you before kids i always jumped my husband the minute he came home and we didnt get out much on the weekends *wink wink* but i became depressed after my son and have been on meds that seem to do nothing for my sex drive he is lucky if he gets it once every two months..

My advice is consult a doctor and visit the Adult Toy store

Brittney - posted on 05/16/2012

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This could also be a hormonal issue. Our bodies drastically change and many times for the worse when we have kids. Ask your doctor about hormone testing and go from there. Good luck! :)

Jenny - posted on 05/16/2012

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Omg I have the same problem I just don't want to be sexual active... When we first started dating we were going at it everyday 2 pr 3 times a day then it slowed to about once a day and jot he's lucky if we do it once a week... I'm thinking it's just because my body sis messed up.. Maybe it's bc I don't find myself attractive.. But I'm thinking it's bc I don't get as "moist" as I use too... Can someone please help me??? I feel we r being torn apart bc of the situation... And my daughter is now 2 1/2......... HELP!!!!!

Daralee - posted on 05/16/2012

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this happend to me as well, started during thrid trimester and lasted up until my daughter turned two. but has come back now no problems i just waited it out really. thats about all there was too it

Sarah - posted on 05/16/2012

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2-3 times a week? That seems like a lot to me. With our schedules we're lucky if we do it more often than we pay the hydro bill. All the hormonal changes post partum reek havoc on sex drive. Maybe just hiring a sitter for the night and getting out, dressing up for a date night might help. Maybe doind little love notes for each other, or taking a break altogether, then setting a date for it, tons of flirting before then?

Louise - posted on 05/16/2012

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This could be a mind thing for you. Maybe you are concerned about getting pregnant and your hormones are blocking any desire that you would normally have. If you dont want any other children think about going on long term birth control like an IUD or an implant. This will take this worry away. Also they will sort out some flaying hormones as they are normally coated with eastrogen.

What you are describing is very common when you have small children. You dont stop all day and in the evening all you want to do is flop into bed to sleep. Try and show your affection to your husband in other ways as he needs to feel loved and cherished. He will understand if you let him know how you feel.

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