Moms Who Leave Their Children

Janice - posted on 06/11/2009 ( 21 moms have responded )

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Dear Moms: Your Opinion Counts







I had a first husband, child, and divorced. My child was with me always. After I remarried, my son's dad did not want him to go away, understandably. I had to go to Germany without him,and he was just 9 years old. I know I committed the Mother Sin, leaving my son with his dad and wonderful stepmom. I arrived in Germany with a shattered heart,how could it not be so? I saw my boy regularly,at summer and every 2nd christmas. I assumed my new husband would be willing to move to North America with because of my suffering. 2 years turned into 4.,and then I said I can't wait any longer, he's only a boy once and he needs his mother,regardless of how marvelous the stepmom. I have been back now for 2 years, we have a great relationship, and he was just so happy that he didn't bother be angry.



So, the conversation, be as truthful as you think...cuz hubby in Germany feels"rejected, abandoned" and that my place is with him.





Should I have left for Germany? Some people say I was more obligated to my husband because of the vows.



Was I right to leave my husband and come back for my son?



Was it right for my husband to expect me to come to Germany without my son?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Krista - posted on 06/12/2009

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Let's not look at the past and focus on the future. Right now you are caught in the middle of 2 people you love very much. Do you pray about it? What do you pray about? Being adults, you both should be able to work it out because your husband should come 1st but not without your son in the picture. We all have the right to make choices. Listen to your heart and be still with what God is telling you. You will then make the right decision once you find peace about it.

Jennifer - posted on 06/11/2009

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For some reason it feels like you know the answer to your question. I think what you want is verification. In all honesty your past actions read a little selfish. I would guess that your new husband may have read signs that you gave off saying that he was more important than your son. Not being the boy’s father it was your job to show him what your priorities were. Please don't think I judge you; we can't go through life without making mistakes unfortunately being a mother means our mistakes sometimes come at the cost of two people. I wish you the best with your son. The next time you are faced with a hard decision look at it honestly and make the best choice, the choice that includes your obligation as a mother.

Bridgette - posted on 06/11/2009

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I agree with Mary. Dwelling on the mistakes of the past won't help the present. The fact that you love your child and want to reconnect is good. I wish you the best of luck and hope that everything works out for you.

[deleted account]

Do not beat yourself up,what is done is done.Life is choice. You do what your heart tells you to do...Im reading you need and want your son...Then ,yes its a hard choice ,but you need to follow that and be with him...If your husband does not understand that,well he's not much of a husband.Choices are very hard to make and you alone are the one who has to deal with the outcome..But do not be hard on yourself.Follow your heart,and I know it will lead to your son.God Bless.

[deleted account]

I'm sure your heart is broken over your decision. It's time to reconnect with your boy and reclaim that mother-son bond. He's a teen now, so on top of puberty and hormonal changes, your son may also be angry with you. Don't wait another moment of the precious time you will need to catch up, and make up for the past 4 years. {{{HUGS}}} I wish you the best.

21 Comments

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Sarah - posted on 03/13/2012

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If it were me, my children come first. I would have never left without them. If your husband loved you, he would understand that. Is there a reason why he can't move?

Marcia - posted on 03/13/2012

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I feel I have to comment on this page. I do not wish people to judge me as you don't know me.Please don't post negative comments as I feel negative enough already. I have an 11 year old son who lives with his dad on the otherside of the country. He has lived with his dad since we split up when he was 2 years old. the reason I left him with his dad is I had severe depression and was suicidal. I did not feel I could be a good mother at the time to my child. I have an older child from my first husband (who is deceased) who has stayed with me the whole time. I don't feel that I am able to return 'home' to my son as I still suffer from depression and post traumatic stress disorder. I believed I was leaving my son with the parent who was better equiped to provide him with a solid future. I didn't however anticipate the step mum! My son and her do NOT get along and that causes problems. All problems are slowly working out but my ex still judges me and tells me I am being selfish and a bad mother. I agree. I am. If I wasn't selfish in seeing to my own wellbeing and safety I would be in a hospital instead. I don't feel I can cope with my son's violent outbursts (he hits me) and therefore feel that my place is here. I speak to my son three times a week on the phone and send him postcards and small gifts and maps showing him what we do when we go visiting new places etc so he can feel involved in our lives. He knows I love him to death. I can completely understand why women are frowned upon when we are the parent who leaves but please if you meet someone who has, please show a little compassion as they may not be a 'deadbeat mom' as everyone seems to think. If I felt I could improve my son's life by being there and be in control of my depression/anxiety/PTSD I'd be there. I hate that an ilness has such control over me and I miss my boy like crazy. I have learnt (fast!) how to 'build brick walls' around myself so I can't feel the pain all the time but it does hurt. I constantly feel guilt and worry. But I know deep down that he will be ok and that when he's old enough I can help him to understand that mental illness is what separated us. I am studying at university full time in order to gain a degree in social work so that I may help others in the future in a similar way that I have people helping me and my son at the moment. So I guess my point is please don't label or judge people until you know the whole story or have been in their shoes. Thank you.

Victoria - posted on 06/14/2009

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Your situation is heartbreaking on both sides. But put in a similar situation of want and need, I lucked out. The man in my life sent me back to my children, knowing that they needed me. He was extremely mature, caring, selfless and understanding. My heart aches for him occasionally as we have both moved on, but my children bring me so much inner peace. I am thankful for my decision to stay with my babes, I can only imagine the guilt and pain I would have struggled through. The ache of yearning for a child is worse than the ache of yearning for a man! "lovers" can be replaced, but the love of and for a child cannot.



You made the right choice, and I believe you know that deep down. Don't let the opinions of others drive guilt between you and your child. You need your child as much as your child needs you.



Best wishes in your healing! Again...don't let guilt linger so long. Enjoy your child and rejoice with each hug, kiss, smile you get from your child--they are the best band aid for all hurts!!!!

Vergie - posted on 06/14/2009

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youre the only person who really knows the answer to your questions,i myself is away from my four children and honestly, if i have a choice i'm not going to leave my children,not for anything in this world.

Janice - posted on 06/12/2009

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This is for Paula..Your daughter is older and is capable of making choices, and girls are usually more mature. High school is an important new time too. I think I would wait and get grade 10 out of the way. Lots of things are going on then too, these next few years are important ones as she prepares for womanhood. Hope this helps, just an opinion!

Beth - posted on 06/12/2009

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Quoting Paula:

Janice, I am in a similar position. I have not dated for 6 yrs and knew there was somebody out there for me, that God would put someone in my path that would be my destiny. I know it sounds hokey, but I believed. And I went to visit an old boyfriend that came to the states and it was magic-"Sleepless in Seattle" magic. I knew he was my soulmate and he felt it too. After 2 days we knew it and then I had to go back to work. We talk on phones and emails and we both want to be together forever. @ of my kids are grown and I have a 14y daughter who will be starting highschool. She says she will not move with me and leave her friends. I do not want to force her, as that is what my mom did. Actually I didn't know we were moving, after visiting a girlfriend for the summer I found out I was going someplace else- that my mom had moved us while i was away. I never got to say goodbye to my sister or dad. I was 16. I want to give my daighter the choice. She can go live with her dad and stepmom. They are great and she listens to her dad better than me. My boyfriend says he will wait for me no matter how long it takes. I don;t think I can wait for 4 yrs til she is out of High school. I had already told my kids before ever meeting my future husband that I was moving back home to Hawaii after she was out of school. My dad is now 75 and I would like to be near him and the rest of my family. So that is my dilemma. Do I wait or leave? I have prayed for an answer.....



 



In your case, since your child is old enough to make a decision, and to fly alone, and has a wonderful father and stepmotherwho she is willing to live with, I wouldn't think it was wrong to move if you discussed it with her first and she was supportive of the decision.   I think there is nothing wrong with children living with their father if he is a good parent - many children do and do very well.  But I would most certainly talk to my daughter first and see how she feels.  At 14, they are pretty independent and can really make informed decisions if they need to.





 

Beth - posted on 06/12/2009

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Quoting Paula:

Janice, I am in a similar position. I have not dated for 6 yrs and knew there was somebody out there for me, that God would put someone in my path that would be my destiny. I know it sounds hokey, but I believed. And I went to visit an old boyfriend that came to the states and it was magic-"Sleepless in Seattle" magic. I knew he was my soulmate and he felt it too. After 2 days we knew it and then I had to go back to work. We talk on phones and emails and we both want to be together forever. @ of my kids are grown and I have a 14y daughter who will be starting highschool. She says she will not move with me and leave her friends. I do not want to force her, as that is what my mom did. Actually I didn't know we were moving, after visiting a girlfriend for the summer I found out I was going someplace else- that my mom had moved us while i was away. I never got to say goodbye to my sister or dad. I was 16. I want to give my daighter the choice. She can go live with her dad and stepmom. They are great and she listens to her dad better than me. My boyfriend says he will wait for me no matter how long it takes. I don;t think I can wait for 4 yrs til she is out of High school. I had already told my kids before ever meeting my future husband that I was moving back home to Hawaii after she was out of school. My dad is now 75 and I would like to be near him and the rest of my family. So that is my dilemma. Do I wait or leave? I have prayed for an answer.....



 



In your case, since your child is old enough to make a decision, and to fly alone, and has a wonderful father and stepmotherwho she is willing to live with, I wouldn't think it was wrong to move if you discussed it with her first and she was supportive of the decision.   I think there is nothing wrong with children living with their father if he is a good parent - many children do and do very well.  But I would most certainly talk to my daughter first and see how she feels.  At 14, they are pretty independent and can really make informed decisions if they need to.





 

Beth - posted on 06/12/2009

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Quoting Paula:

Janice, I am in a similar position. I have not dated for 6 yrs and knew there was somebody out there for me, that God would put someone in my path that would be my destiny. I know it sounds hokey, but I believed. And I went to visit an old boyfriend that came to the states and it was magic-"Sleepless in Seattle" magic. I knew he was my soulmate and he felt it too. After 2 days we knew it and then I had to go back to work. We talk on phones and emails and we both want to be together forever. @ of my kids are grown and I have a 14y daughter who will be starting highschool. She says she will not move with me and leave her friends. I do not want to force her, as that is what my mom did. Actually I didn't know we were moving, after visiting a girlfriend for the summer I found out I was going someplace else- that my mom had moved us while i was away. I never got to say goodbye to my sister or dad. I was 16. I want to give my daighter the choice. She can go live with her dad and stepmom. They are great and she listens to her dad better than me. My boyfriend says he will wait for me no matter how long it takes. I don;t think I can wait for 4 yrs til she is out of High school. I had already told my kids before ever meeting my future husband that I was moving back home to Hawaii after she was out of school. My dad is now 75 and I would like to be near him and the rest of my family. So that is my dilemma. Do I wait or leave? I have prayed for an answer.....


 

Mel - posted on 06/12/2009

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i dont think i could leave my daughter but im not sure of course your partner is number 1 but it depends how long he has been in the picture for. it is very wrong of him to ask you to leave your child and to except you to stay with him he should be more caring and understanding and not be selfish i personally think if he can do this hes not worth it

Paula - posted on 06/12/2009

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Janice, I am in a similar position. I have not dated for 6 yrs and knew there was somebody out there for me, that God would put someone in my path that would be my destiny. I know it sounds hokey, but I believed. And I went to visit an old boyfriend that came to the states and it was magic-"Sleepless in Seattle" magic. I knew he was my soulmate and he felt it too. After 2 days we knew it and then I had to go back to work. We talk on phones and emails and we both want to be together forever. @ of my kids are grown and I have a 14y daughter who will be starting highschool. She says she will not move with me and leave her friends. I do not want to force her, as that is what my mom did. Actually I didn't know we were moving, after visiting a girlfriend for the summer I found out I was going someplace else- that my mom had moved us while i was away. I never got to say goodbye to my sister or dad. I was 16. I want to give my daighter the choice. She can go live with her dad and stepmom. They are great and she listens to her dad better than me. My boyfriend says he will wait for me no matter how long it takes. I don;t think I can wait for 4 yrs til she is out of High school. I had already told my kids before ever meeting my future husband that I was moving back home to Hawaii after she was out of school. My dad is now 75 and I would like to be near him and the rest of my family. So that is my dilemma. Do I wait or leave? I have prayed for an answer.....

Ashley - posted on 06/11/2009

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You are absolutely right to come back for your son and if your husband in Germany doesnt understand that then it is his lost. I know what that is like...My mom moved to another state when i was 16 a little different circumstance but all the same she was heart broken also. You did nothing wrong with leaving your husband to come back for your son.

Rachel - posted on 06/11/2009

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my husband and i agreed that if somethign ever happened and we split up we would always put our son first before any new love interest. If the new guy doesn't want to move the north America then I would leave him. If you and the new guy have a kid together in the future how is he going to treat that child? Will he just ignore his child if you split up? I would seriously think about this. Your son needs you. Even if the step mom is great too. He needs both of you.

[deleted account]

Janice, my opinion is this....it is possible to have a different husband every year if you wanted one, but your son is unique. I wouldnt be able to marry anyone or even be with anyone who expected me to leave my children behind. I think your husband was very selfish in that respect.
You say though that his stepmum is wonderful, which is great and Im sure your son has been very well looked after by her and his dad.
I absolutely think you have done the right thing to come back, your son only has ONE mum and once he has grown up you can live your life however you want to, but I think its great that youve come back to be with him more frequently.
Dont beat yourself up over leaving, we all do things that seem ok at the time, but turn out not to be so great. All that matters now is the relationship you and your son have from here....Best Wishes!

Janice - posted on 06/11/2009

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Thank you Tammy, you are right, I shouldn't have left, I never had a good feeling about it, I confessed I did the mother sin. And you are right about him too. Would you write what you just wrote to me, cuz it is true what you say?> A postcard is just 2 bucks.

He needs to hear what you said, only he doesn't accept it form me. He's not coming, that's not the purpose. Anyway, thanks, what you wrote it what is true.

[deleted account]

I'm sorry I can't write that message because you are both wrong. You should not have left your son to run off after a man, no matter how wonderful he was. Your German husband was wrong because he never should have asked you to do this. A man who is willing to take a mother away from her child is not a "storybook" lover. It is a sad story and I'm very sorry for you, but I am very proud of you for finally doing the right thing which is be where your son is.

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