Moms with adult mean daughters
MOST HELPFUL POSTS
Ariana - posted on 12/26/2013
At 21 she should not be 'going crazy' by yelling and screaming all the time. We all can get away with an occasional outburst but if that is happening all the time it is inappropriate.
Have you tried having you and her father speak to her? Don't say, "you're being mean all the time" but choose very specific behaviors (maybe just two major ones).
I would sit her down and tell her that these specific behaviors (and be VERY SPECIFIC, so that no argument can be brought up against it). So don't say, "You can't be rude to us" but you can say swearing or yelling at us is inappropriate.
What are her specific mean behaviors?
It sounds like she's been getting away with these behaviors for a long time and has yet to develop new ways to talk to all of you. Just try to speak calmly about it though and tell her that she is now an adult and you expect that if there is a problem she can talk to you about it (even if you disagree) but yelling/screaming is no longer allowed in your home.
You could always have a contingency that if she has an outburst like that she has to go take a break at someone else's home for the night and can come back when she's willing to apologize for her behavior.
Another way to defuse this situation (although generally used with teenagers, not adult children) is to have another outside person come to the home right away when such an outburst occurs, like a neighbour or other family member close by. Have a few people close by you can call up to come over. People do these things in isolation, it would be embarrassing for her to have a neighbour come over to calm things down.
In terms of other situations I would have your entire family just start calling it out (although once again in a very CALM manner).
I do not appreciate being talked to like this, I'm walking away now.
I don't know specifically what she is doing, but I would have your whole family learn to walk away from her if/when she speaks to you in a negative manner.
Unfortunately she is an adult, there isn't much you can do in terms of changing her behaviors other than letting her know that in YOUR home you will not be treated like this.
Try to be positive when she is being nice or friendly. She may have some social or anger issues but you can't control that. Maybe have her go to a yoga class with you while she's around, it might help calm her down...
Like I said, I would have you and your husband sit her down and give very specific definitions of the top two behaviors you expect to stop (yelling and rudeness?) and what will happen if she does it. I would also talk with the rest of your family privately and tell them what you expect all of you to do when she is rude (walk away or calmly call her out on other rude behaviors).
You can't change how she acts, only how you act. She may not become nicer, but you won't be a doormat any longer either.
Ariana - posted on 12/27/2013
Aw that's to bad. But you've made her leave the house after she has a screaming fit? And does she apologize to come back?
Yeah at this point she's the only one who can control herself, that's to bad :( You could try to tell her to get some counselling but that doesn't mean she will. Just keep showing her that you care about her but you won't let her treat you rudely either.
Patricia - posted on 12/26/2013
Have done all that you mentioned. This has been going on for years. We've tried everything. Sometimes I wonder if she has some type of personality disorder. It's really tiring and hurtful. As I said she's in the Army so not sure when I'll see her next. There are people in the world who just don't have much empathy and a huge feeling of entitlement I think she fits this category
Patricia - posted on 12/26/2013
Thank you. Good advice. My daughter has always had a "mean streak" in her. She isn't just mean to me but her father, sister, friends, etc. she is 21 now and is in the military so she only comes home on Leave. She says she wants to come home then is rude and disrespectful to us while she is here. She has lived in this town her entire life and only had one friend. That friendship is also very strained because my daughter is mean to this friend too. She can change her personality as needed. She doesn't treat the Army people that way because she "needs" them because she is away from home and wants to be accepted. She only treats people that she can get away with it this way. It is very hard and stressful to have her home. I have tried all the different behavior changes through the years. She was this way as a young girl. As she grew into teenager years I kept thinking it was because she was a teenager. Now she's an adult and she still has the same behavior towards her Dad and I and her sister too at times. It's very hurtful and hard to understand. We haven't had a lot of family strife, no divorces, etc. just pretty much a "normal" family. I use to think she was mentally ill but I see that she only vents and "goes crazy" (yelling and screaming) with us or people she can get away with it with.i already have very limited contact with her. It makes me very sad as I love her and all my husband and I really wanted in life was to have a nice family. My other daughter and step daughter are fine and are nice to us. Very sad I'm just trying to accept that there are people in the world who are just plain mean.
Ariana - posted on 12/25/2013
Uh, don't know your specific situation but I've always been told you teach people how to treat you.
If your adult daughter is being negative to you call her out when she's doing it (in a calm manner, not aggressively). A lot of people will stop doing something simply when you say, hey you're doing this a lot. Or if she starts acting in whatever negative away leave the situation/end the conversation. Do this calmly and either state why or just get out of it.
My sister used to be a total B*$@& to me every time I saw her. I stopped talking to her at most events and mostly just kept myself away from her emotionally. At first it made me look negative but I was just doing some self-preservation.
The less time we spent together the more likely we were to get along without any negative comments, when negative comments came up I walked away or ignored her for the rest of the time we were stuck together. Or I told her do not say that to me. After a year or so we slowly started getting along more and more, and now we almost never have any issues.
I don't know your exact situation but she is an adult, you can't control her behavior, only your own. If she is being negative tell her you will not be treated this way and then follow through. Try to keep visits or conversations short, so instead of having a visit maybe just go for coffee. Then all parties walk away feeling better.
And try to look at your own behavior, are you contributing to the negativity somehow? Without realizing? Are you pushy with her somehow? Once again I have nothing to go with here so can't really give a specific solution, just what works with negative people in general.
Remember what I said before, you teach people how to treat you, if you don't want your daughter being mean to you don't allow her to. Try to show her respect of course but limit your contact with her until it becomes good again.
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