Money problems and marriage.

Cristina - posted on 11/25/2009 ( 25 moms have responded )

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Here is the thing, My husband and I had it great until he lost his job and I had been a stay at home mom for 2 years due to an accident I had, well the thing is that I started to look for work and finally found one at a retail store getting paid minimum wage, he does some odd jobs around town, but as soon as I started to work he has become for a lack of a better word, lazy, and we got into an argument about the fact that he now wants me to pay all the bills, with my crappy part time job wage, I'm getting real tired of this and don't know how to bring it up in a way that it won't turn into a drama, that he is the man and has to take care of us, I don't mind paying some of the bills but it's been 2 1/2 years since I've gotten anything new for myself, and it's not like I'm going to go on a spree but I don't want to made feel guilty about buying some undies, it feel like I'm losing my love for this man, it's being replaced by annoyance and I don't want that it's awful I hate to feel this way, any helpful comments will be truly appreciated.

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Antamica - posted on 11/26/2009

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I hate to be this way but I have been there done that. My mother once told me that you have to let a man be a man. If you are willing, sometimes you have to let things fall apart for him to step up. It is hard to do and even harder for me to say this but truth is truth. If you pull through it all the time he will become complacent and expect you to do this all the time. As far as the love, if it is real it is still there what you are feeling is only because of finances and his behavior at this time. Tell him how you feel. Don't tell him in a you're a bum type way tell him in a, I fell in love with you because of how you took care of me kind of way and now I am frustrated and feeling like I am in over my head. I don't know if you believe in God or what your religious preference is but faith in anything can hold things together when they are falling apart. Have faith in your husband and tell him that you know he can get you out of this.Men need to feel needed and sometimes letting them know they are in a sincere way helps a lot. I am a single mom. I see things differently now that I am alone and it is truly hard alone. If there is anything in your marriage worth salvaging, focus on that and what made you love him in the first place. The world is changing and trust me, good men are becoming fewer and farther between nowadays. Times are hard for everyone right now and I wish you guys the best I hope you can work through it.

Carolyn - posted on 12/04/2009

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In any couple relationship communication is number one. If you can not talk to the one you love and the one you are suppose to lean on in hard times, the one whom is suppose to be there in good times and bad? In sickness and health, richer or poorer? Are these not the words you told one another when you two started this journey? It is time to come together more than ever. You should find the time to speak openly and honestly to one another about everything and all issues, from kids to work and keeping the family a float in whatever your hardship may be. If he does not know how you feel you can not expect him to understand your frame of mind or opinion on how things should be. If you work together it may not be as bad as you think. You both have to be willing to try and communicate on the problems as one couple. No one ever said, it's going to be easy. It is constantly a on going relationship and if you want him to understand you must be honest with yourself first and then him. Hope your communication goes well and your problems will be better as you learn to do things as one family and not alone.You should not feel guilty about anything you do to better things for your self or your family. Best of conversations are when you are honest with your feelings, you deserve the best you can give and you will receive the best in return. God Bless your family.

Donna - posted on 11/30/2009

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Lack of money is what causes most divorces. Men are simple egotistical creatures. Their pride is usually their down fall. Patience and love and understanding will help on your part. Encourage him to be the man he once was. Things can get better. Think of this, If you are the one paying the bills, then cut some things out if you haven't already. like cable or some other stuff you don't need. If he is wanting something, he is going to have to go to work for it! I probably am not making a lot of sense here to you. I don't know the man to which you refer to. Men are different as are women, but the basics are the same. Men don't take hints, when you speak to him, speak directly and to the point. That is what they understand. He is still the same man you married, and in hard times there is a creature that emerges from within in both men and women. The difference is made, when you deal with things with deep thought and love and understanding. I am not saying accept it and let it be, I am saying to understand what he is going through and help him through it. Leave a paper with the want ads out for him to look at. work together at a common goal. Talk to him about the money in a way that you are asking for help. Men have a dire need to fix things if they are broken. Make him feel needed.Ask for his help. I was married 20 yrs, when my husband passed away, and believe me, there were times when i prayed for him to just go away. We finally got our relationship to a place where I wanted it, and he did go away, and that was devastating to me. Whatever you do, be very careful at what you say to him. Remind him that you still love him and will be there for him to lean on. I hope this helps, and remember, all situations are different, and this may not be the advice you need, and it is pretty generic. Most men don't take too kindly to therapy, but there may be some support groups around town that can give you some ideas. Look around and see what you can find. Local churches may have some ideas for you as well. Good luck and I pray you endure this and ride it out. Once this storm passes, Your husband and you may see yourself more in love and having a deeper respect for each other than before. Please don't give up. Hugs to ya. Oh and buy those undies, they don't last foreve and they do need replacing every so often!

Chista - posted on 11/29/2009

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I am not married but I do know that communication is the key to a healty relationship. The longer the situation goes on without addressing it the worser it will get.Do not let the circumstance change the way you feel for him.

Brenda - posted on 11/28/2009

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He could be suffering some depression, and that would make him behave in a dysfunctional way. Men's egos are tied up in their jobs and their ability to support the family. Effective communication is sometimes very difficult. If one uses "I" messages instead of "YOU" messages it can feel less blaming. For instance "I feel frustrated when the bills don't get paid. I need you to pay for 1/2 of the bills"----instead of "you don't pay your share". "I feel pressured when the house is messy, I need you to help clean it up" instead of "you never do any housework". Avoid using "always" and "never" because they are usually lies, and implicate drama.



My family, as well, has went through almost a year of my husband being unemployed. I am a SAHM to a 6 yr old w/ Downs Syndrome. 2 of us working is very stressful, my husband is the higher wage earner so it makes sense that he works. When he works he does very little around the house and yard and for childcare. When he was laid off, he played on his computer non-stop for abuot a month, probably to escape. Then I had had my fill, and started to communicate that I was not a slave and he the privileged one. He started taking the dog on hikes, and pretty soon we were all going on hikes trying to make the most of just being a family while we had the chance. He made a garden for me, and I did look for work as well. It wasn't easy living on his unemployment. I haven;'t had a new pair of shoes for 2 years....my underware are atleast 4 or 5 years old. I have other priorities right now. Getting through these hard times means that we work together. I wasn't thrilled when he ordered new Danner hiking boots for himself, and we discussed it in detail. He felt that it was something he was willing to go into debt for because hiking was helping him lose weight and he needed to take care of his feet while doing it. He was logical, and I did not get emotionally angry when we discussed this. It was a healthy choice for him. So, I backed down. Today my husband is working full time, altho making less. We are still struggling, but doing better than when he was unemployed.



On the other hand, I divorced my first husband in part, because when I finally obtained a great job, he stopped working all together. No job, no housework, very little childcare (my son in now 20) and expected me to pay, in part, for his pot addiction. And he was abusive when he didn't get his way. There was no effective communication, and he was simply a load I could do without.

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Amber - posted on 11/27/2009

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Quoting Cristina:

Thank you ladies for the great help, I will try some of your ideas for sure.
As for the women setting back on the gains we women have made over the years I have not forgotten that, but when a man decides to get married he has to know that yes it's both of your jobs to run the home and care for each other, he is not working but still wont help around the house I still have to come home and cook and clean bathe the baby and do laundry, now tell me that wouldn't stress you out? I do not mind paying the bills, it's his way of taking the situation and turning his back on it for some things.



yep, i would go crazy if my partner didnt help out a bit, its tiring- doing everything alone



be strong ok...i hope u can work it out cos if he doenst start making an effort you will lose motivation because if only one person is interested in making it work then that sux & it gets hard thinking your doing it alone

Gillian - posted on 11/26/2009

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hi there,

i had the same problem........i lost my job when i fell pregnant (boss didn't like the idea of me being pregnant). my husband paid for everything and he had a good salary. i couldn't find work while pregnant and after my son was born had to wait on work. i was home with my son for 7 Months, when my husband was retrenched. we both looked for work and he was so picky that i found work where i'm working now getting R800 a week. that money got everything i needed for my son, and petrol to work and very little food for us. i had to try pay crech fees cause he didn't want to look after him.

he has been home without work for 8 months. he got moody and angry because he needed to do house work. i eventually told him that if he wants me to do it he needs to get work. there is no way it wont turn into drama, men and their egos.

he got so angry when i bought everything for my son and he got nothing....once again i told him if he could help me out with paying for thing i could get him something nice.

our relationship was on the rock i almost told him a few time to leave and come back when he wants to do something with his life. but i think he eventually got so fed up with me telling him to get work and i told him we can afford day care anymore that he jumped up and got work. he is getting his first pay check end of this month.

its already getting better between us.

not saying that this is the way to do this, its just that this worked for me.

[deleted account]

Its a tough one but what is not tough is you buying your undies as it a reward to yourself for keeping all the family together. You need to have a good conversation with him and now that you are in the work force maybe he can share the work load and also for him to get some work even if its part time. Not sure how old your children are and how this affects that there needs to be someone home. I have been working now for 20 years with my children being very young and they are now 17 and 19. You always find a way to do things. Life becomes a routine. Hope this is helpful

User - posted on 11/26/2009

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If you figure out how to get him out of the lazy stage let me know..Same thing happened with us after 25 years of marriage. He lost his job just over 5 years ago and now just will not work steady. He has gotton jobs and then been fired within a couple of weeks because he just stops going. Its done good in some ways..I no longer depend on or trust anyone but myself...but I also don't have any respect for him and I dont think either of us are happy being together anymore. We just can't afford to do anything else. I still have 2 teens at home to think about so I just keep on going....

[deleted account]

The best way to open your discuss with your husband is to tell him you know that he feels less than a provider for his family, but you do respect him for the man that you know and he know that he is. That u understand that he may be depressed because he is not providing and protecting his family as he once did before being laid off from his job, but the time has now come that you expect him to pull his weight, that u can no longer continue to take on the responsiblity alone. Explain to him what you as his wife expect him to do to provide for the family. He may not like minimum wage and feels it's below him, but u got to do what is necessary to help provide for the family. If nothing changes within a set frame of time (don't give him an or else) do what u feel is necessary as a woman and a mother without him.

Katherine - posted on 11/26/2009

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I think a lot of us are in this position with the economy the way it is. The definition of roles has taken on a whole new meaning. Most of my girlfriends work and the husband stays home. Yes, it is a huge blow for a man not to be able to support his family. My husband is depressed and not wanting to help either. You may have to do some counseling, sometimes a third party can put it into perspective.

Monica - posted on 11/26/2009

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Our family has gone through role reversal also. I was a stay at home mom for 21 years, and my husband was the "bread winner". LAst December, he lost his job. We saw it coming, he was in the auto industry. I landed a job one month to the day before he lost his. I make about 1/3 of his salary. He is now the one that takes the kids around, does the laundry, food shops, etc. HIs ego is sometimes at a low, but I tell him we are a TEAM. We have to watch our money carefully, but we also allow ourselves a few extras every so often. If I NEED something, I will buy it. But if it is something I WANT, I cut corners and therefore don't feel guilt about it. It is not easy to get through this, but it is possible. If you have children, be up front with them. Ours are old enough to understand and have also realized the changes that we need to set forth. In the long fun, I think this has made us closer. Good Luck.

Juvy - posted on 11/26/2009

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well like what other say..try getting some help from other people that he can listen too. i understand what your going through if i am in your shoe i would feel the same way..try get some help for him...ok? hang in there everything will be ok just have faith after all all this things happened for a reason and it wont be given to you if u cant handle it...

Cristina - posted on 11/26/2009

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Thank you ladies for the great help, I will try some of your ideas for sure.
As for the women setting back on the gains we women have made over the years I have not forgotten that, but when a man decides to get married he has to know that yes it's both of your jobs to run the home and care for each other, he is not working but still wont help around the house I still have to come home and cook and clean bathe the baby and do laundry, now tell me that wouldn't stress you out? I do not mind paying the bills, it's his way of taking the situation and turning his back on it for some things.

Sheila - posted on 11/26/2009

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I really don't know how to put this to you except to say it straight. If you are approaching this problem with the attitude that it is a man's job to provide for his family you are setting back the gains women have made over the last 50 years. Providing for a family whether it be financially, emotionally or physically is the job of both parents. I would hope that the two of you have a joint account of money set aside to pay your monthly bills and an account for savings. After that spend what you want. Does he have a responsibility to help provide for the family? Yes. I assume he may be collecting unemployment insurance. Maybe he would just like a break from working for a bit. Give a him a chance. Also, aren't the bills in both your name? Tell him which ones you will pay and give him the rest is an option also.

Lynne - posted on 11/26/2009

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I am a stay at home Mom and my Mom always taught me to keep a little tucked away for a rainy day and he doesnt even have to know about it. I do that and let me tell you it has saved our butt's many times my husband will ask where did that come from?? Now 8 year's later he know I stash money he doesn't even care. You have to take care of yourself cause nobody else is gonna do it and go buy the undies :))

Linda - posted on 11/26/2009

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I have just been through a serious upset with my husband of 31 years. We are very happily married, but he has been very ill and it has been very hard of him to be at home, not making money. Men tend to identify themselves through their work. Your husband sounds like he is depressed. What you can do is only talk to him in a possitive manner. Men never believe their wife is right: I have not figured this out yet: so does he have a friend or father who could try to encourage him. Once I got my husband to go to physio I saw a great change, because he had a purpose, a plan to follow every day. Maybe try to get him to see someone (I had no luck there). My husband has just gotten back to work and he is like his old self. He was so excited about his first pay stub and it was a small amount of money. I really feel for you. I wish you all the luck with this. Don't give up. Your husband is still in there. You just need to help him find himself.

Dinah - posted on 11/26/2009

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Men tend to tie their identity to their work. It sounds like he is suffering from low self esteem-which stinks for you because that tends to make them critical of their spouse! Instead of bringing up the negative, you might try telling him how much you appreciate what he does. Then he might do more and you praise him more. Research with children and adults reveals that this is the fastest way to get people to respond the way you want them to. Also, there are several biblical passages regarding how men should treat women---love them as Christ loved the church, as a weaker vessel (think fine china as compared to stainless steel). It is hard to respect someone that doesn't respect themselves. Two years is a long time to languish in pity, he probably needs to see a therapist or minister to work thru his feelings. It would help you too. The best thing a man can do for his children is love their mother. Maybe you encouraging his belief in himself can help him to do that. Otherwise, a firm budget meeting between the two of you must take place soon. You will only continue to harbor resentment, and rightly so. By the way, I think women are responsible for taking care of the family financially as well as men. The description of women in Proverbs describes a dililgent women that makes financial decisions about the home/family and provides for them as well.

Juvy - posted on 11/26/2009

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REMEMBER WHEN YOU GOT MARRIED? YOUR PROMISED FOR RICHER AND FOR POORER AND SO ON? THIS IS THE TIME YOU REMEMBER YOUR VOWS,,AND MAYBE TRY TALKING WITH HIM..SIT DOWN AND TALK IN CIVILIZED WAY FOR SURE YOUR BOTH EDUCATED ENOUGH TO DO THAT..COMPROMISING IS IMPORTANT TOO..MARRIAGE WILL NOT WORK IF ITS JUST ONE PERSON WORKING ON IT..IT SHOULD BE BOTH AFTER ALL ITS THE TWO OF YOU WHO SAY I DO...RIGHT? I HOPE YOU SOLVE YOUR TROUBLES IN A NICE WAY..AS FOR LOVE I'M SURE IT IS STILL THERE THINK THE GOOD THINGS NOT JUST THE BAD THINGS..GOD BLESS

Maryanna - posted on 11/26/2009

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its time foraround table discussion. I would make a list about every point Im trying to point out. let him get involved too. As faras undies that wouldnt be discussed as faras Imconcerned. I would let himknow I wont "go there" I wouls lewt himj know exactly what Imgonnas pay and thats it. Imsure he feels stressed but so are you!!!

Melanie - posted on 11/25/2009

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As you are now the 'breadwinner' he has become the stay at home dad. Good on him for volunteering to do such an important role (as he is not looking for work that is what he must want to do)- not enough fathers do that in my opinion. There are a few rules. To stay at home he must (fill in what you did at home).

In this conversation don't mention money and his inability/lack of will to work. Just say due to circumstances the roles are reversed (temporarily if necessary) so he needs to pick up the slack at home. Give him a chance to get to know the kids better etc.

Just remember he may be feeling depressed as his identity as the provider for the family etc has been eroded - especially as he has had difficulty in finding work. Having no money puts a lot of strain on your relationship and brings out different things in each others personality which you find unattractive. But couples do get through it and you are often stronger for it. When you talk try not to sound like you are making any acusations and try to keep money out of it. Like has been said try and tuck a little away and use it to buy those other essentials.

Amber - posted on 11/25/2009

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u r going great, i can see here u r pretty smart. its hard to pay things on your own and even harder when your partner expects it from you. the way i would go about this would be the hard way but i can tell, you are fairly calm and thats better then the way i would be reacting to it. lol.

I really think you should try telling him that you expect the same energy in the relationship from him that he expects from you. & explain that its so important to your marriage that he doesnt put pressure on you and that you hope he would get on the same page by accepting the changes as you have by, not forgetting what a family relies on.. that being parents that respect and appreciate one another.

When you talk about this stuuf next, you could bring it up nicely by just using a soft voice and telling him you need a bit of help because its been a struggle and that u hope he is putting in as much effort as he can. Also if he knws you appreciate a lil bit of a helping hand, then he will start to show a bit more energy. Letting him know u r appreciative of the small stuff i think in a sort of a reverse psycology type of way will work because he will do it in return.

By the way, buy your undies babe..buy your stuff because the last thing a lady needs is to worry about what the man thinks when it comes to shopping. Definatley nip tht in the bum real quick, tell him your gonna go spoil your self one week soon... then do it. "Happiness & reward needs to come from somewhere in life" is the answer you shall have when he questions it :) you deserve it thats why!



good luck

Nikki - posted on 11/25/2009

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staying in love when the money runs out is really tough. my hubby and i have been livingit for the last 6 months but i try to make sure when he gets home and i had the day off the kids have had theur baths and are ready for bed and i make sure we get some time for each other sounds silly but i make a favorite dinner and we just sit there and talk. if he is really frusterated we talk about y i make sure everything is paid then i hide some me money. he doesn't have to even know that i have it. sometime i feel its bad but there are thing u need like undies. make sure if u gt some time to talk that u make sure he knows how u feel about what is going on and what he is doing good luck nikki

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