monster in law

Love - posted on 04/09/2013 ( 1 mom has responded )

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My son will be turning 3 this year.. I've always felt fortunate to say my incounters with his grandmother have been far inbetween. Its not that I dont love her but she lacks love for me. My marriage hasn't always been easy but it seems my husband and I have finally gotten through our rough patch only to have her ruin it by showing up...not just by herself but with his very grown brothers as well. Just to set the scene my family and I stay in a 2 bedroom apartment...struggling ourselves to pay rent and the bills let alone put food on the table. She knows this but decided she would stay with us for at first just a month then it changed to 3 then 6 -_- and now supposively its 1 month again....YEAH NOT BUYING IT!!!! I forgot to mention there was no invite for the sudden visit. I just started working again part-time and I def. feel the distance between my son and I which seems to be getting that much more worst now that she has come to stay with us. I knew from the begining this was a huge mistake but my husband being the child and mama's boy he is seen none of the red flags. This is only day 2 of her being here and already I want to chase them out with a frying pan. We are crammed into one room...food is scarce and to make matters worst I have to act as if Im happy.
Today I worked from 5am to 1pm and I finally get him to myself around 6 only to have her tell me she needs my keys because her and her clan will by gone and who knows when they will be back ....daylight will be near before they return for all I know..... not only that but she will be taking my son with her. Sense when did I become a surrogate for her child? And to make matters worst my son has went from being a child with of course an opinion to a brat with much needed discipline. I am close to finding a place to stay myself untill they leave. Its ridiculous knowing how obviously bad of an idea this was in the first place but my husband is a fall on his head first type of guy and it doesn't help how blind he is to his mothers actions or behavior. I am now of course the bad guy......me being someone who wouldn't even allow my own family into our space because of the conflicts I believe would arise but now I am in a situation where I cant be honest.
Its time for the irony...She has always criticized our or should I say my parenting. And now that she is here everything that was wrong before is right. I understand the job of a grandparent is to spoil the grand child but its not fair the rules change because she says so. I of course am venting because how can I say this to them and still maintain a positive relationship-_-. Forget hiding this from my husband I chewed his ear off....this was his brilliant idea and if I have to suffer he will too. Oh yeah, according to him this is my fault because his mother ever so casually told him about maybe a month or few weeks before she came I could call her about whatever yet now that she's here our relationship seems to be as fake as ever. I try to strike up a convo but to be honest she seems to be nothing but drama which is also ironic to me....my husband has always made it known or I guess at this point mislead me to believe he steered clear of drama but now its looking like he steered clear of reality. I just need advice as too how I can keep my mouth under control while they are here. I really want her to get her time in with my son, she hasn't really seen him but a few times sense he's been born but Im worried how long this will last. Its really taking a lot for me to adjust so quickly to this my own family and I aren't close so I do believe my expectations could be higher than others but I dont know you tell me...

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Meredith - posted on 04/09/2013

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I have been in a similar situation trying to have my role as wife and mother. My husband had difficulty "leaving and cleaving" i tried hints, being friendly, venting, blaming my husband but the issue was between MIL and myself. She's a great person but i had to assert my role. So hard for me because i don't like confrontations. It is never too late to be honest. You have to set boundaries. There is an awesome book titled boundaries in marriage ny henry mccloud. Think of a way to approach her that won't put her on the defensive. Sandwich the negative or request between two positives. If she says she is taking your son somewhere, tell her how great that is but you wish she had asked because this is your time with him. Assert yourself in a neutral manner. No anger or frustration but that is just the way it is. Smile and stand your ground. Remind her that it is your home and you are happy (fake the happiness) to have her as a guest. Tell her that you need her help on the spoiling matter. Tell her that if it was a short stay that you wouldn't worry but because it is lengthy with an unsure ending that you need her to help maintain your discipline. No one wants a spoiled child around. Remind her of that. You can't make your husband stand up to his mom until he is ready. Trust me. It only leads you to frustration. This is your relationship with her. Let him know that you are going to set the boundaries. Ask him to respect you and your marriage by standing behind you. He doesn't have to stand up to his mom but he can't side with her. It might be rough at first but believe me, it is so worth it. Y'all will all be better later on. Be caring, use a neutral voice, recognize some of her good things and most of all STAND FIRM. Good luck!

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