Monster in law issues!!! Please please some advice

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 04/14/2013 ( 10 moms have responded )

581

0

54

Hi ladies, in here bc I honestly have a true monster in law and am freaking out! I am expectating baby in oct and she has informed me that she is coming to stay with us for a month to "help" with the baby and my 14 month old daughter. My mil is bossy, controlling , and vindictive. For example , the one time when my daughter was 8 months old my mil was very sick and I told her I didn't think it was a good idea for her to visit ( anyone with any sense would do the same, right) and she showed up uninvited at my door anyways and then she tried feeding my daughter off of the same fork she used! She does these things To make me upset and for no other reason . Another example is one of my daughters cousins who was 5 yrs old asked Ti hold my daughter when she was a newborn, we were outside so I said she had to go inside and sit in the couch and then she could. My mil said " oh come on" and took my daughter out of her dads hands and handed her to the little girl . She was siting on a hard bench and dropped her arm and my baby smacked her head off the bench. She also swears terribly including nasty racial things that are so incredibly offensive . I tell her I do not want her speaking like that in front of my daughter bc it's wrong to teach her to say nasty things about someone bc of their ethnicity and I do not have any racist tendacies and do not want my poor kid picking that up from her. Those are just a few examples of her disrespect. I could never do something with someone's child that they directly asked me not to! Anyways , I'm already going to be very overwhelmed with a newborn and my daughter will only be 20 months old then and I can't handle her . She told me she's taking my daughter to her cabin which is over an hr away for the first week after the babys born and I told her absolutely no way! I don't trust thus woman's judgement with my baby , I don't like her lack of morals , and I'm starting To panic she is going to come here and try to take over what is supposed to be a very special time in my life. My husband is well aware of his moms behavior and also doesn't trust her judgement and he sees how she purposefully tries to upset me. I really need To find a way to stop her from coming without being disrespectful ! Please help

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Michelle - posted on 04/14/2013

3,633

8

3245

You've said that your husband agrees with how you feel so what does he do about it?

I think he's the one that needs to stand up to her and let her know that she's not coming and staying for a month because of all the things you mentioned.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/15/2013

21,273

9

3058

These are your kids. Tell her no. Tell her thank you, but you want the time with your newborn, husband, and daughter all together. This is a big adjustment with a new baby, and you want your little family free of all distractions so you can all get to know one another. Tell her in absolutely no way is she taking your daughter for the weekend. Also tell her you appreciate the gesture, you just want nothing to do with it. Also, tell her the same thing about her coming for a month. Let her know she is more than welcome to stay in a hotel and come visit for a couple of hours per day, but you don't want anyone staying at your house. Give her boundaries, and stick with it. Tell your husband that he needs to also talk with her.

10 Comments

View replies by

Liz - posted on 04/15/2013

1,047

15

260

In that case the earlier suggestion that you could write a letter might be the easiest way for you to handle it.

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 04/15/2013

581

0

54

I wish at times I could be one of those people that so easily speak their minds, but I'm a pretty sensitive person and it feels do unnatural to be forceful with someone especially when that person is my husbands mother! I honestly think it would be detrimental for my kids for her to be here bc id be extremely stressed out and as I stated she continually undermines my authority as a parent. I guess I gotta learn To be tougher in order To do what is best for my kids and me too. I could never forgive myself If I let her bring me down during a time im supposed to be happy.

Mummies Midnight - posted on 04/15/2013

1

0

0

Could you perhaps write a letter to her? Stating it all politely and firmly, sometimes ppl need to see it in black and white. good luck x

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 04/15/2013

581

0

54

Thank you all , I didn't mention that last yr she moved to Florida and we live in PA. I've tried telling her that I think I need some time alone with the baby and my daughter in order to learn a schedule to make my new family work. I tried saying it in a way to not hurt her feelings bc I still try to be the better person even though sometimes I have to beg God to help me " turn the other cheek". She just bulldozed over me saying its nonsense and She deserves to have the first month with her grand kid too. Honestly ladies if she was doing these things bc her grand kids were in her heart and then I would probably be able to put my own feelings aside , but when I know her only reason for pushing the issue is to try and show me that she's in control and try to upset me then it makes it awhole lot harder to accommodate her!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/15/2013

21,273

9

3058

If you have to tell her off, do it. Some times being nice is not always effective on overbearing people like her. Do what you need to do. These are your kids, not hers.

Liz - posted on 04/15/2013

1,047

15

260

She's a little like a toddler in the respect that she continues in her behavior because nobody is showing her any negative consequences and she gets away with it.

You simply must put your foot down and do so before your baby is born, because you'll be quite frazzled afterwards and any stress will seem magnified for a while. Your husband also really needs to step up to the plate and do his job of protecting you from stress, especially since he seems to agree with you regarding his mother's controlling ways.

I would suggest that you sit down with your husband and agree some rules for her - just like you would do for a child. E.g. no swearing, no racist terms, no undermining of any decision that you or your husband make, no contradicting you or your husband in front of your children, total commitment to whatever parenting rules you already have in place for your family and acceptance when you or your husband politely decline any of her offers or suggestions.

You (or more appropriately, your husband, either on his own or with you present) can tell her these firmly but politely and say that you simply cannot have mixed messages in your house at this time. Everyone needs to be 'pulling in the same direction' or else it'll be like elephants tied to a cart that go charging off in opposite directions. Say that you also cannot deal with her staying with you after the birth of the second child, because although you are grateful for her intention to help, you'd really rather get on with learning how to cope with the expansion to your family in your own way. You can mix in positive reinforcement, thanking her for what she does do that is helpful and for taking an interest in her grandchildren; don't be afraid to overstate how lucky your children are that their grandmother cares about them.

Think of some things that she could do that really would be helpful: could she cook you a casserole meal and bring it over to put in the fridge for when you're back from hospital? Could she come on specific afternoons to read to your older child? There will be something that you can tolerate, because it seems like it's the idea of her controlling the situation and durations of visits that is what really has things outside your comfort zone. If she is presented with finite times and specific tasks so that she can still help and be involved, yet knows what the 'red flag' areas are, you may find that she is easier to manage.

If not, you'll have grounds at that point for a more serious talk with her concerning consequences. At that point, I would also suggest that you and your husband make it clear that if she cannot adhere to your reasonable expectations, that she will not be as welcome to spend time with you and the grandchildren.

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 04/14/2013

581

0

54

She's so overpowering I'm not sure how to explain it . We will both say in as nice a way as possible how we feel but somehow she still trys to control . I feel that I'm getting to the point where I need to be forceful which isn't in my nature. I'm almost To the point of just not answering my door to her when the baby comes since she does not seem to respond when I try to do things in a respectful way

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 04/14/2013

581

0

54

Oh and I've never allowed her to watch my child and I know she resents me for that but how could I ever trust her with my precious baby with her behavior!? I have only left my daughter a handful of times since birth bc im so overprotective , and I certainly wouldn't leave my lo with her of all people!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms