mother and wife in need of support

Jolene Van Der - posted on 07/08/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I'm in a marriage with a man that doesn't treat me fairly, I don't have any family around that I can turn to, I'm a housewife and my husband knows that we have to depend on him for all financial needs, therefore he knows he can treat us unfairly and know that we can't do anything about it. Anyone in a similar position?

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Raye - posted on 07/08/2015

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You can do something about it, you can talk to him. Don't accuse him of anything, but explain the situation that things are not working and need to change. If he doesn't seem to understand that parenting and keeping house is a job and you deserve recognition and need funds available to ensure household needs are met, then see if he will agree to counseling. If not, then you do have one thing you can do... leave. Talk to a lawyer about what information you would need to have gathered for court to settle the matters of custody, visitation, and child support.

Mommabird - posted on 07/09/2015

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Raye. ...your words are so true. I relate to Jolene in her situation. I've been there in the past and it got better...but never permanently. I find Rayes advice very helpful...all that's missing is the spouses cooperation. It does take both to make things work. The key is finding the right motivation to get them on board. Sometimes its difficult and only a professional can point out the obvious solutions. When your in the situation its hard to see all the angles.
I wish you best of luck Jolene. Hope you find the key to a better marriage and things get better!

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Jolene Van Der - posted on 07/09/2015

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FINALLY, someone that understands completely, u read me like a book. Ja I have spoken to him, many times but he doesn't seem to care, he says to me " he works for the money and he'll work with it how he wants to". He will neva consider a counsellor! He doesn't see any problems. As long as he can drink he's happy. I wish many times that I could just get a break away from all, but I don't have the money ever to even treat myself to anything coz he believes since he's the only one that works, that he should be the only one to be able to deserve anything. At times, he seems to care only about himself. It's nice to talk to someone, I'm crying as I'm busy typing here, it's hard and I'm not so sure how much longer I'm gonna be able to carry on for, even if it's just for my kids? Sometimes I just think, is it all worth it?

Raye - posted on 07/09/2015

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Marriage should be a partnership between people that love and respect each other. Your spouse should be your friend, your lover, your confidant, your strength when you have none. Your husband is not those things to you. His friend and confidant is the bottle. He cannot help you find strength if he has none of his own, and you cannot be his strength if he is emotionally distant from you; and sounds like you're running low.

And being a father is more than providing financially. He should want to spend time with the kids and form a loving bond with them. It's not all "woman's work". And he should be willing to give you some time to have a break from the house and kids for a little while. As you should be able to shelter him from the household stresses when he needs to take a break (but not by drinking to escape).

Sounds like you really need to be talking to each other... whether it's having a conversation about these things or going to a counselor to help bring out the issues so they can be dealt with. Have you ever talked to him about his drinking? Have you ever asked what's troubling him, or what he needs to escape from? Have you ever told him that you feel lonely and want to be closer to him (without being clingy)? Have you told him his kids need him to be more attentive to them? Maybe he is overwhelmed and doesn't know where to start. A good counselor would be able to be objective about the issues and give suggestions on how to overcome the mental and emotional obstacles.

One thing about the drinking, though... if he's not willing to put forth the effort to stop, then nothing you do will change it. He has to want to get better. And it may be a hard, bumpy road. But you both have to figure out if you feel it's a road worth traveling.

Jolene Van Der - posted on 07/09/2015

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Hi there, thanx for the advice. It's just very complicated, he does financially take care of all household needs but he has a drinking problem aswell. Sometimes he prefers the company of the bottle of brandy instead of his family. It just seems like he believes his job as husband and father is only to pay rent, accs and buy food, otherwise he doesn't like to share his money, so he doesn't like to buy anything that doesn't benefit him. I do love him and I don't want to take his kids away from him but sometimes I just feel alone and have no one to talk to about anything, sometimes I just feel like I could just leave everything and run away, but I can't. It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. I was hoping to find someone that's in a similar place, that can relate, to talk to coz sometimes it betta to talk to a stranger than family.

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