mother in law in my marriage

MaryAnn - posted on 06/28/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Surely when things arent going smoothly, the mother in law would take the side of the husband.
However. She is trying to convince him he is being manipulated and emotionally abused AND to stick it out because thats what's right for our unborn child.
The biggest problem in my marriage is that even after being reminded (and frankly nagged) my husband is not doing the grown up things he needs to do. He forgets to pay the bills on time. He forgets to pay parking tickets on time. He forgets to get on his ex's case about getting legal paperwork for my step daughter, or figuring out when she wants access again and how its going to happen. He forgets abouy his doctors appointments, he claims he's having anxiety problems due to sleep deprivation (straight midnight shifts).
MIL resents that I do not do these things for him. Husband resents that im angry he doesnt do these yhings. He resents that i tell him there's no excuse.
MIL is moving closer and keeps insisting she is going to help. Its making me very uncomfortable because i cant see a reason he wouldn't set appropriate boundaries with her. He doesnt with his ex, he doesnt with his daughter... did i mention he is parenting from guilt?
He never "forgets" to organize his hobbies. What he needs is for someone to tell him to man up and just get his shit together... not for his mom to move in because his wife refuses to mother him.
:/ She is the expert... she does have five ex husbands.
Anyone have any advice for coping with overbearing mother in laws? Particularly delusional ones?

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MaryAnn - posted on 06/29/2015

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He rejects marital counsel for the same reason as he rejects personal mental health counsel. He doesnt "believe in it" whatever that means. He doesnt have an alternative option... just "take things as they are and stop being so down about it."
I am separating because i actually can not handle it. He is convinced his mom can help. Ill let him see where that goes. I dont personally trust her, but what i do know is that i can not do this.
to do this as a team requires we work together, and i can not force him to put in an effort. I refuse to let it drag me any further down.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/29/2015

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Ok, so rather than working this out TOGETHER, as a partnership, you're each going to go back to mom's house, and you expect HER to get him together? That, my dear, is not a good idea.
The two of you need financial and marital counseling together. You cannot send the man to his mother's house, and expect her to work miracles in your relationship. Especially not if you are accusing her of sabotaging it: " She is trying to convince him he is being manipulated and emotionally abused"
And don't get me started about doctor's appointments. I go to every single one of my husband's. Not because I have to, but because he needs me there, to keep track of the important information, etc, and make sure that the correct information is being relayed by him. That's part of MY responsibility as his wife.
In my opinion, you both need some serious counseling about relationships and finances. Both are a partnership, not a dictatorship.

MaryAnn - posted on 06/29/2015

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What i mean by parenting from guilt is just giving in to tantrums. If she has asked for eggs for dinner, and then by the time they are on the table, she changes her mind, cries he cooks whatever else she asks for for fear that my "eat your eggs or dont eat" will have her starve. If she starts screaming half way through a movie to watching a movie to watch Dora, he will change it for her without acknowledging that it is an inappropriate way to deal with her feelings of boredom. She is three and i am caring for her unsupervised for fifty plus hours a week.
if she hits, i put her on time out and when she throws a tantrum about being on time out, he will entertain her thoughts that she needs to be consoled- which makes the tantrums worse.
Through our engagement and when we got married- she was at an age where her every cry needed to be tended to- wants and needs were the same thing. It meant she needed a diaper change, or to be fed, or to be put down for a nap.

MaryAnn - posted on 06/29/2015

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He has destroyed my account. Instead of keeping to budget he has been spending. Things he used to have financial responsibility for have not been taken care of, and i have picked up slack until this point we are at now- ive been in my overdraft for six months, and am now at the last pennies of it. He makes significantly more than i do, and i am unable to keep up with his spending.
As for his daughter... he has been doing the every day parenting but still shares (legal) responsibility with his ex. We can not do things without her permission and she has been unable (unwilling, or otherwise unaware) to fulfil proper responsibility to have her legally claimed, have her health card etc updated, even see her on a regular or predictable basis. He is not noticing that he is overly permissive upon her return from these visits. And does not realize that it causes problems in the household. Because she is not old enough for school, and had never had any health problems he has not realized what the purpose and function of custody orders and permission to make decisions without her because the little one has a roof over her head, is well fed, and healthy.
While I understand the "in sickness and health" bit, he absolutely needs to go to his appointments. Beyond reminding him, i work. I cant just take him without losing my job... which we kind of need.
We made a plan last night. We are making an arrangement to stay with our respective families so we can fix the finances before i need to go on mat leave and then we just try again.
He will focus on buying a car and saving for first and last and his mental health. I will focus on getting positive funds back into my account.
My hopes are that his mother will help him to see that giving into tantrums spells trouble. My hopes are that she pushes him to ask for some kind of responsibility on his ex's part. My hopes are that she might get him into the routine of actually attending his appointments so that when we are back under the same roof, he will sleep, accept that daycare is a necessity when we both work so he can sleep.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/29/2015

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First of all, your marriage should be a partnership. This means that it is not just up to ONE of you to make sure bills are paid, etc, it is up to BOTH. What is the reason that you refuse to pay bills? Get the checkbook out, and pay the damn things. Yes, parking tickets should be taken care of by the one who actually gets them, but would it take that much out of your time to stop by the courthouse and take care of it?
As for his daughter...if he doesn't want to be a parent, he has the option to rescind his rights. Not that I think he should, but if he's that poor of a parent...
If he's truly having anxiety and sleep issues, he needs to see a physician. My husband is medically disabled. I HAVE to be there to remind him of and escort him to his appointments. That's MY job as his spouse...or at least part of it. I signed on for that...you know, the whole 'in sickness and in health' deal...
The point here is, I don't think your MIL is the problem, or at least not all of it. You two have to be on the same page for things to work.

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