mother-in-law overly involved with my husbands ex's new babies??

[deleted account] ( 6 moms have responded )

I can't find anything on the internet about this subject so I am at a loss of how to feel about this situation and if it's more commonplace than I think. My mother in-law has always been very involved with my stepson, in a very loving way me and my husband appreciate but also in a toxic way because of her attitude towards everyone else involved in his life, her involvement in his life is a double-edged sword and I think sometimes it has manifested into behavior that negatively affects those around her, which is a shame considering the part of her role as a grandmother that is very loving is something I appreciate very much. She has always been very critical and judgmental of me and my husband as parents and his bio mom , and I understand criticism and concern to a point but she literally has nothing positive to say about anyone and thrives on finding out things to imply his bio mom and her boyfriend lack as parents. Despite all this shady and disrespectful behavior behind this biomoms back, she is obsessive when it comes to being involved in my stepson's biomom's new family.
Biomom has a boyfriend now and just gave birth to twins, which my mother in law has pushed to be involved in the pregnancy, birth, and now everything about the newborn twins. She is this way with everyone in the family (overly-involved) including my husband and me, but because the stepson is with the mom most of the time it's like she pushes even harder to be apart of that family to have more control over her grandchild. She makes statements about her grandchild's half-siblings like that she loves them and begs for new pictures and wants details everyday about all that happens. My stepson's half-siblings have grandparents that are in the picture already, and I think because the biomom gets financial help from my mother in law they don't want to be rude and block her out of their lives although the biomom has said in the past that one thing she has had a problem with was my mother in laws lack of boundaries. My husband brought it to his mothers attention that the degree of involvement with the newborns considering they aren't her grandchildren is a little "weird" and she claimed she just wanted to be excited for our stepson's sake and she understood they weren't her family. But her constant parading of the newborns on facebook and in person to everyone obviously isn't seen or heard by our stepson so I think there's more to it. Honestly, she hasn't been a good person and has been very mean and negative to be around since day one, and this need for over-involvement into our lives and the ex's new families lives seems to never stop making me feel weirded out, I don't know what to think. It's so hard for me to understand someone who talks so negatively about all of us, including the bio mom, and treats us like we're beneath her with hardly a positive thing to sat, yet behaves as if she is the doting and caring mother in law and grandmother who wants to be apart of things so closely...

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jodi - posted on 02/25/2015

3,562

36

3907

All I am going to say is that my husband has a daughter with his ex. The ex is still incredibly involved in my in-laws lives. Her 3 younger children with her new husband are considered grandchildren by my in-laws, even though there is no biological link. My MIL buys them Christmas and birthday presents. She has baby pictures of them all, as well as portraits of them as they have grown. They still have a special Christmas celebration of their own (not on Christmas Day, because that is when the ex and her family go to the other grandparents house).

Is it a typical thing to do? No, not generally. Personally, I think it is strange, especially as my husband and his ex have not been together for almost 20 years (his daughter is now almost 23). But quite honestly, this relationship my in-laws and his ex have is between them. It has nothing to do with me. I've been married to my husband for 11 years now and I also have a good relationship with my in-laws. The relationship between my MIL and the ex is not taking anything away from my husband, myself or our children.

So I guess my question is....how is her relationship with the ex's newborns (and by extension, the ex) taking anything away from you?

This conversation has been closed to further comments

6 Comments

View replies by

[deleted account]

I do not think me and my husband should have control over her? It is natural for people to not understand why a person operates in a way that they find strange and it to bother them to not understand it. Thats the whole reason I posted, I want to gain understanding of this situation? If I just wanted to control things and wanted the bio mom and her not to have a relationship or control how their relationship is, why would I post on the internet to gain understanding of the situation, like what good would that do if all I wanted was to change things? No, I just want to gain some insight on how to feel okay about something I feel weird, how to essentially get over it. And no, she doesn't "just not like me" and it's not just a natural level of judgement and criticism. I don't like being mean about people especially family so Ive been nicer about describing her, but she is not a good person, is not a kind person, she is very mean and nasty to her own children and family, you can play devil's advocate over the internet if you'd like but that's fine, my reality is I'm not used to family members who are mean. My parents, grandparents, everyone in my side of my family are very genuinely nice to each other. We have are disputes, but my family won't judge you for your weight and appearance and make comments on it or jokes, they won't talk crap about you to strangers, they won't call people you're close to losers, but my mother in law does about her family members. It is very hard to adjust to something I haven't dealt with before, while Ive dealt with mean and nasty people before, I never knew family would make you feel that way, too until now. I understand the bio mom is an adult and makes her own decisions, all Im saying is I feel bad for her, because she doesn't know how mean the mother in law is behind her back and I dont' think she deserves that after being nice enough to let her see her child so much. I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling bad for someone who I feel is being disrespected, I'm just venting my feelings. The point of bringing up the bio mom at all was to find out if others felt it was weird or wheter its actually common. Overall my point is that I feel my mother in law is a negative person and I don't know how to keep her at a distance but not be mean as well by shutting her out. I have her on facebook and she texts me and my husband regularly..

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/25/2015

13,264

21

2015

1) “My mother in-law has always been very involved with my stepson, in a very loving way me and my husband appreciate but also in a toxic way “~~The woman does have a right to be involved with your stepson…she’s his grandmother. You run on about how detrimental she is, but don’t really get to the point. Does she love the boy? Does she treat him correctly when he’s with her? You claim that her involvement is a “double edged sword”, in addition to being “shady and disrespectful”.
2) “She has always been very critical and judgmental of me and my husband as parents”.~~I can’t think of one human being that hasn’t said this about an inlaw or their own parent. You’ll be critical of your kids when they’re parents too…It’s human nature.
3) ” I understand criticism and concern to a point but she literally has nothing positive to say about anyone and thrives on finding out things to imply his bio mom and her boyfriend lack as parents”~~Well, again, this is human nature…badmouthing the ex and their skills or lack thereof. Point out to her that it is unbecoming of an adult to behave in such a manner.
4) “she is obsessive when it comes to being involved in my stepson's biomom's new family.”~~And if her ex DIL is allowing the contact, you cannot dictate otherwise. In other words…You can’t pick her friends, nor should you be trying. Get over that she’s still got a working relationship with the ex.
5) “Biomom has a boyfriend now and just gave birth to twins, which my mother in law has pushed to be involved in the pregnancy, birth, and now everything about the newborn twins”~~Again…If the ex did not want the woman involved, I’m fairly certain she knows how to tell her ‘no’ and make it stick. Apparently, the ex wants your stepson’s grandmother involved.
6) “She is this way with everyone in the family (overly-involved) including my husband and me”~~Ok, and you two have to be the one to enforce appropriate boundaries with your parents, whether they’re your parents or his parents…You can’t complain about being stepped all over if you don’t stand up for yourself.
7) “but because the stepson is with the mom most of the time it's like she pushes even harder to be apart of that family to have more control over her grandchild”~~Perception is everything, I guess…I doubt she’s ‘pushing’ all that hard…Maybe biomom is happy that her son’s grandmother is willing to include all of the children in her love. After all, a kid can never be loved too much, or have too much of a support system.
8) “She makes statements about her grandchild's half-siblings like that she loves them and begs for new pictures and wants details everyday about all that happens. My stepson's half-siblings have grandparents that are in the picture already, and I think because the biomom gets financial help from my mother in law they don't want to be rude and block her out of their lives”~~Again, you are speaking of adults. If the biological mother’s parents were that bent out of shape about this woman “horning in”, I’m fairly certain that they’d say something, being adults, and all…Perhaps your perception needs some adjustment.
9) “biomom has said in the past that one thing she has had a problem with was my mother in laws lack of boundaries”~~How much of that was to appease your bruised feelings?
10) “My husband brought it to his mothers attention that the degree of involvement with the newborns considering they aren't her grandchildren is a little "weird" and she claimed she just wanted to be excited for our stepson's sake and she understood they weren't her family. But her constant parading of the newborns on facebook and in person to everyone obviously isn't seen or heard by our stepson so I think there's more to it”~~It’s not for your husband to dictate to his mother whom to hang out with, befriend, tell that she loves them…And I’m not sure where either of you got the idea that it was your turn to ‘control’ the woman! If the ex truly has issues with this woman, it is up to HER. You and hubby constantly butting in could be seen as jealousy on your part…and I’m kind of thinking that’s the whole deal here.
11) “Honestly, she hasn't been a good person and has been very mean and negative to be around since day one”~~Maybe she just doesn’t like you? Granted, there are more mature ways to express that, but…
12) “this need for over-involvement into our lives and the ex's new families lives seems to never stop making me feel weirded out, I don't know what to think”~~Each individual family has personal control over how much involvement the woman has.
13) “I don't know what to think. It's so hard for me to understand someone who talks so negatively about all of us, including the bio mom, and treats us like we're beneath her with hardly a positive thing to sat, yet behaves as if she is the doting and caring mother in law and grandmother who wants to be apart of things so closely:” Honestly? I bet that she truly loved the ex, that she wasn’t very happy that the relationship didn’t work, and she’s indicating that. You can’t change that. You can minimize your contact with the woman, and let her know that when you have your own children with your husband, that you and he will be setting the terms for contact with that child.

Raye - posted on 02/25/2015

3,761

0

21

It sounds like your MIL is a very catty, two-faced, meddlesome person. You can't change people, especially if they don't think they have a problem. You can change how you react to it. If you hear her bad-mouthing someone (even if it's the ex and you agree with the statements about her), then let your MIL know that you don't want to listen to her negativity and leave the room. If she wants to be involved with the ex's new babies, I do think that's weird, but that's between her and their mother. That's not your circus, not your monkeys, and not with your energy thinking about it. Worry about only what directly affects those in your household and try to let the rest of it go.

I can't say if this situation is commonplace, but my husband's ex-MIL has been in contact with him more than her own daughter. Last Friday my MIL invited my husband's ex-MIL to dinner with us. I felt more than a little awkward in that situation. My MIL is meddlesome also, and actually wasn't invited to our wedding because she would have tried to control everything.

[deleted account]

I was hoping to hear I was overreacting, that way I was the problem which I can fix, instead of trying to accept that for the rest of my life Ill have a mother in law who makes me so uncomfortable. But instead im not the only one who thinks she needs help, lol

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms