Mother is always underminding me, I don't know what to do :(

Eli - posted on 02/05/2013 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I live with my mom and have since my son was born do to certain circumstances. He's 3 1/2 now.

So she will do things purposely to bother me and doesn't discipline my son the way I want sometimes. He also tends to like her over me and I feel like she purposely does things to keep it that way, even if it's subconciously.

For example I had laid down for a nap with him upstairs and I came downstairs with him and sat on the couch and he was cuddling with me, she sits down RIGHT BESIDE US and has him come over to her. We were having a moment and she KNEW that he always picks her over him and of course he stops being with me and goes straight to her.

Same day later on I had him working on this little workbook thing and I was helping him, and she came home, and he immediately starts saying he doesn't want to do it and come here come here to her, and of course she comes over picks him up and carries him off and I said, why did you do that we were working right here what are you picking him up for? And she's just like I didn't pick him up he held onto me, welll who was the one who bent over and hugged him and picked him up.

When I'm holding his hand and we're walking he'll yell I want her I want her and run over to her and she'll just let him. We actually talked about that issue and she said she would stop because he does it EVERY time and sometimes she's carrying stuff etc and she gets mad at me for letting him try to bug her but she continues to let him do it all the time.

He'll then say things like Mamas the meanest person ever.

She also one morning said don't give him any milk, because he was sick, so I didn't, and then she went and got him milk. So I looked like the bad person refusing him milk because SHE said not to and then she did it anyway, and then she claimed she never told me not to give it to him. How can I possibly misinterpretate 'don't give him any milk, he's sick'.

I specifically make sure he takes his boots off and puts them away on his own because I want him to be independant and he's perfectly capable of it and I said, he can take off his own boots, and she purposelly took them off right in front of me RIGHT AFTER I just said it.

One time he was screaming because I refused to carry him down the stairs (because he started screaming at me to and I don't let a 3 year old scream at me to do what he wants) and after about 1 minute she's like go pick him up, go pick him up and I said no I'm not going to have him scream and jump at whatever he wants. So I had to go over there and walk him down the stairs holding his hand even though he is PERFECTLY capable of walking downstairs by himself all because she was sitting there.

She does things like this continuously. She purposefully makes it so when we're both around even if he and I are doing something she'll come on over so he'll run to her instead of me, she disobeys clear things I say for him to do because she disagrees with me (the boots thing, I'll say he can pick up his toys on his own and she'll do it 'with' him right after I've refused making me look mean to him), she'll give in to his demands or give me these looks like I'M at fault if he's screaming about something he shouldn't.

Like once I got him in trouble and he started screaming on and on and I was just ignoring him and she's like 'why are you letting him scream like that?'. What am I supposed to do?? Either I give in and let him get away with doing things he shouldn't, or he screams, I can't stop him. I can always go put him in his room but that will just mean he's screaming up there instead of downstairs and she'd probably be even more upset.

I'm just so frustrated right now. She treats me with no respect.

And I want to add that obviously I am grateful that she's helped me out all this time. I am NOT a freeloader though, I pay half of everything, rent, utilities groceries etc. I ilove her and sometimes we're on the same page for things, and sometimes she'll SAY she's on the same page for things but if I start to discipline him and he gets upset she blames me or ignores me and lets him do what she wants.

I also don't understand because she used to have all of us kids on a much tighter ship than my son. If we acted the way he did (he's a much more high energy, strong spirited kid) she'd be WAY firmer than she is being.

I am so sick of being the bad guy all the time. I'm not even what I would consider a hard-ass, I'm actually really flexible with a lot of things there are just certain things she does even when I've specifically said not to, or she acts like I"m murdering him. I don't get it.

What should I do? I've tried talking to her about things and thought we were on the same page and then she goes and does it again. I tell her my opinion and she'll come back with some stupid thing acting like she knows better. It's just so annoying, I don't CARE if she agrees with me, he's MY son. Get over it.

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Dove - posted on 02/05/2013

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Time to move out. You and your son need your own space and your mom needs to be able to have the pleasure of being a 'spoiling grandma' which is, unfortunately, a recipe for a disastrous kid when the kid LIVES with the spoiling grandma instead of just seeing her on occasion.

Holly - posted on 02/05/2013

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i am sorry your post was too long... but i was in a similar situation as you were... living at home and my mother underminded me often, my youngest was potty trained by the age of 18m... but my mother kept her in pull ups... because she thought she was too young. WRONG! she was FULLY potty trained, she decided one day she was going to poop in the toilet by herself... no instruction from me. well my mother didn't like that... you need to not leave your child in the care of your mother, ever. if you can, move out!

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Chaya - posted on 02/09/2013

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I never lived with my mother after my children were born, but I've had to tell her to step off a few times.
The only way to stop it is to move out. Not saying that's going to be easy, but she apparently thinks she has the right to control how your son is raised.

Holly - posted on 02/05/2013

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i am sorry your post was too long... but i was in a similar situation as you were... living at home and my mother underminded me often, my youngest was potty trained by the age of 18m... but my mother kept her in pull ups... because she thought she was too young. WRONG! she was FULLY potty trained, she decided one day she was going to poop in the toilet by herself... no instruction from me. well my mother didn't like that... you need to not leave your child in the care of your mother, ever. if you can, move out!

Eli - posted on 02/05/2013

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Yeah I definitely want to move out, financially it sucks but I really need to. I just don't know what to say to her though. It's like on one hand I'm sure she'd like her own life/space, and on the other I feel like she WANTS me to keep living here and that by saying, hey I want to move out etc. she's actually going to get really upset. I don't know how to broach the topic with her.

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