Mother-n-Law

Sara - posted on 06/02/2011 ( 94 moms have responded )

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What do I do about my mother-n-law who comes over my house and move things around without my permission without ringing her neck? My husband put her in check for it. She did it when I was'nt around and when my husband asked her what she was doing she had the nerve to say "it does'nt belong there". She likes to go guilt trips on my only child husband. Always asking him for money and he does say "no" most of the time but we were homeless for years and are just now getting back on our feet so. Anyway, anyone else going through something like this. Been married for 13 years.



6/13/11



Thanks agian for all your feedback. I just wanted to say that I do not hate my MIL. I would just like basic respect just as anyone else does. She is moving two states over come Monday. She has been planning this for over a year now. Something else happened with her and i this past weekend and I handled my self in a respectful calm way. Basically explaining to her that you just can't show up to peoples door with out notice and think that you can come in. She asked me was she family and I said yes but that right now was not a good time for her to come in and that I wish she would respect that. She told my husband that she thinks I'm keeping her from seeing her grandchildren and some other things I don't want to get into. I am not trying to keep her form seeing her grandchildren. I would just like for her to respect me and my husband and our home and how we decide to raise our family. Our oldest son is fighting PDD-NOS (a form of autism) and he is on a c/gluton free diet and we have a 5 month old son as well. She recently tool our oldest out and decided to bring him home an hour after the time we stated. It is challenging enough taking care of him let alone having to deal with making sure he goes to bed at a decent time.



6/14/11



Reading some of the things that other mothers and daughters are going through makes me think what I have always thought about life and that is, is that it could be worse. Still respect is respect. And I do understand it is hard for some mothers to except even if thier child is 30 plus years old that they are grown and have their own lives to live and to develop a different type of relationship with their children. I went through that with my parents and I have a great adult relationship with my parents. I still honor them as my mom and dad but the relationship had to change and mature in order to have a healthy relationship now becuase I am married and have children of my own now. My husband comes first and then my children and then my parents and so forth.

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Brenda - posted on 06/08/2011

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I went through that for a while! I asked my husband to ask his mother to not visit for a while. And to let her know that it was not ok to move my stuff around! I hope things get better!

Samantha - posted on 06/07/2011

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If I was you I would give her a cloth and ask her to dust it while she is moving it, it will give you a giggle and get her to do some of your cleaning at the same time. I wouldn't give her money, I would ask her what she wants it for and buy that item, only if she doesn't stop whinging and you think she really needs it, because you will probably get it cheaper and you get the change,not her. Hope this helps. Good Luck.

Debz - posted on 06/07/2011

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Mother in laws?? mmm you are going to be part of this woman's life for a long time. Couple of things that helped me. If my mother in law did/does something I dont like, I get my husband to talk to her. She is his mother and I sat him down and said, you deal with your mother and I will deal with mine. It saved us a lot of problems. Also one thing I found out about my mum in law is she spoke to me and treated me like I was her daughter. I made her a cup of tea one day and said "Jean I know you are trying to be the best mum in law ever, and you talk to me and do things as if I am your daughter, but I am not, we have a different relationship, and I want it to be the best it can be." She told me she was "My mother BY LAW!" long story short when she starts moving my stuff and putting plates where she thinks they should I say "Hey you are not my mother, pack it in!!!" and smile a lot at her. after 20 years she gets it, and no yelling. Hope this helps x

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Mary - posted on 06/18/2011

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No one should invade another persons home and tell them how to clean or that it is not perfect.Its your home.A mother in laws visit should be enjoyed by her and the daughter in law or daughter and should not be any disrespect at all.Take an hour out of your day sometimes to just visit with the Mother in law or mother.If you make it a positive visit it will be better for both of you each time.

Mary - posted on 06/18/2011

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My son does not need me for anything at all and that is sad,I did not raise needy kids who could not think for themselves.I wanted them to be better men than there sperm donor fathers were.Sad that a man can not be more responsible.Does not make it right for my son to disrespect me or sick his wife on me when she is pregnant so close to time the babies were to be born.I can not understand there insanity at all.Both the Mom and Mother in law should of been able to be there at the hospital to see the babies.I was told to come anyway and I did not since it was not from them the invite-Guess they will learn when there kids are to busy someday for them.It would be just nice to have a weekly phone call and talk to my grand daughter who is four,My son got me skype for christmas and the first time he used it to call me,I heard his cranky wife in the background like she always is.She has to be in control of everything.Guess he will someday say hey woman I am calling my mom is that okay so she can see her grandkids.She needs to be nicer the daughter in law.No one should make there home like a funeral home,it should be a happy place.My Mom never took time to ever visit and she lived close by,she was happy running around in her car sure wish she would of thought of me,I always think of her no matter what they did.Once our kids grow up we can not say I love you son or give hugs,that is so wrong.My kids had a loving home maybe to much love cause I was alone to take care of them and wanted them to have the best childhood,better than I did.I tried to call my son today he never answers his phone,before he would call me back and we would talk even if it was just for a minute it was better than nothing.Its not right to be wound so tight that your ruin everything for others.I live far away and can only spend so much time visiting my grandkids and do not disrupt there lives,they do nothing anyway.My daughter in law is just a couch potato waiting for my son to get home and do everything that is so sad.I never waited for anyone I had to do everything with no help from anyone.I can not resolve the problems with my other son and said we are not going to talk about it and ruin what we have,if my older son wants to live in denial of what he did it will come back and bite him at some point of life he needs a wake up call-Kids do not need to be abusive to anyone there mom or other kids and that is my fear and what made me lose contact with my oldest son.my younger son plays on this brotherly love with his twins,they are just babies and hope they always have respect for each other.I think my youngest son is wonderful just wish he could say more hey mom come and visit,we look forward to seeing you and let me know how much time.Its the only time I see him and its not that often and he works so hard.All I wanted to do was cook dinner for his family so he would not have to do that when he gets home from work all tired so he could relax and enjoy his family.I am not needed for anything.Women should cook dinner for there man before they get home it should be ready.Its more than luck that I need Dodie,I need a miracle.I want to see my grandkids and hope its soon that they unharden there hearts.

Dodie - posted on 06/18/2011

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Well put, Mary!! Unfortunately, even when it is your own Daughter, you can be shown disrespect! It took many years of discussions, arguments, nastiness, on the part of my teenaged & then, married/divorced/partner/Mother, for my Daughter to respect me as a Mom. I refused to be her friend until she realized that I had to be a Mom first! Her children are coming up on their 2nd & 3rd birthdays in July! It has only been in the last several months that she has been herself with me! The Daughter I had when she was in her childhood & pre-teen years! She had a really hard time with her sperm-donor (My Husband & legal Father at the time) left when she was only 4 & her sister 2 1/2. She was the teenager from Hades & just kept it up, even though she relied heavily on me & her younger sister for support when she didn't get what she needed from her friends. However, she mistreated us shamefully for years! Now, she is beginning to appreciate what she took for granted & the pain she caused for so long. I have told her that that is passed & we need to consentrate on the future--her children!! She is doing just that! So what if she is 31 years old! As long as she has seen the light, it will make that much difference in how she raises her own without angst & anger!
So, disrespect is not a behavior limited to Mothers-in-law! It can be perpetrated by anyone--Woman or Man, Mother or Father, Sister or Brother, Wife or Husband! Just remember, you don't have to roll over & play dead, & accept that type of behavior, most especially in your own home!! Speak up! That is not to say, yell at the Person, but speak to them with the respect you would want someone to use in a conversation with you/about you. Let the person know that it is not an acceptable behavior & is not good for them, you, or themselves, or their Children to witness. If they continue to treat you with disrespect, in some cases, they will have to be shut out of your life for a time, to let them see that you are someone deserving or their respect & appreciation. It hurts, many times, when that doesn't happen. Then you have to make a decision--which is more often with an "in-law", whether daughter-, son- or mother- or father-in-law--whether to put up with their behavior, hoping they will see the light (I was Blessed by God that my Daughter did!!), or cut them out of your life in a way that is as painless as possible. They will either come back when they realize what they have lost, or you will lose them altogether. However, don't expect the behavior to change if you behave like it's OK!
Good Luck, Mom-in-Law!!...Dodie/Nana

Dodie - posted on 06/18/2011

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Way to go, Kaz! Your Grampy was right! We will all see in time whether our staying or leaving our Spouses/our Spouses leave us & how we handle the situation will be for our children's good or not.
Now there is another post in here somewhere that said that they put their Husband first, & their children second & themselves last! Ho-hold on a minute there!! Your Husband can fend for himself, as can you! Your children, on the other hand, look to THE BOTH OF YOU to provide a stable environment for them in which to grow & mature to be good citizens! To put them after your Husband in relation to how they will respect him, & only if he deserves that respect, is one thing. However, to continue to put his needs over those of your children in other ways is unhealthy for them! Also, if you put anyone ahead of yourself on a constant & consistent basis, you will often be treated as a doormat by both your husband & your children!
We, as women first, wives second & Mothers third, walk a fine line in relation to who comes first & when. It should not be understood by any member of a Family that they get to come first all the time! There is a time & place for everyone on any Team, including a Family, when one of the other of it gets to be treated as "first". Sometimes that causes disgruntled other members, but that's just the way it is in a Good Team!
Sometimes, putting someone first means that you are teaching them a valuable lesson--like "Don't mess with me! I'm the Mom/Woman of the House/whatever!!" That isn't always putting yourself first, either! Witness trying to get your Husband to change a diaper or clean house or do laundry when you just got home from the hospital with a new baby:); or getting your children to do chores so they can learn how to look after themselves! If any of you see that as putting yourselves first, think again!! Take it from one who knows...chuckle!!...many of them will fight it all the way!!!
So, always remember: IF YOU'RE NOT IMPORTANT TO YOURSELF, OR DON'T RESPECT YOURSELF, YOU WON'T BE TO ANYONE ELSE, EITHER!!
Dodie/Nana
Sometimes, people ask me why I keep doing for others, even though I am being "used". Well, people can't use you if you are kind because you are kind! It doesn't matter what others do or say to/about you. As the song says: "Do it anyway!" because you are a Good Person! So, smile through the criticism, because they wouldn't be talking about you if they were "Good People", too!!

Mary - posted on 06/17/2011

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This is from Mary Maul-I am just a loving and kind person everything I never had growing up and my kids hate that.My grand daughter is little and enjoys when I am there,she wears my cowgirl hats and we play with her dolls and toys.Its just fun for me since I raised boys.I buy matching tops and she loves that for now till she says different.I never disprespect them like they do me.Whats wrong with a mom still loving her grown sons and giving hugs when she sees them.I am just affectionate and love to hug even my friends at the dance club.If I go visit my son I just stay there and keep to myself and do not talk to them unless spoke to and go have fun with my granddaughter.I always have my camera and take photos,which I love its my good memories of my visits.I will not be young forever.I am not a softy just kind and respectful of others.If I dress up and go out line dancing at dance clubs then they would talk about me for that.So I just sit and stare at the tv with them and no one talks,that is so much like my childhood not my kids,we always talked and had fun.They seem to hate that they had a fun childhood,it was easier not having to deal with a mean or stressed out man.I was child like and fun cause I did not have a fun childhood home.i always made birthday partys fun too.I am having fun tonight at a pool party at a reallly nice place at the beach.Its important for Moms to have friends and when they get together it should not be about there kids or problems just having fun.Being a mom to much makes us dull,I never had lots of friends when young and a mom,it is so important to get together with other moms and leave the kids with dad on a good day-Moms and dads need date night and then they need time to be with friends.It will make for a better marriage.Everyone be nice to your mother in law and go out to lunch with her sometimes and talk about good quality stuff that cheers her up if she is alone alot she loves to see her grandkids and even her own kids.It is important also that she has good friends to fill her time.Love is important and being needed.Most you moms are all young and will learn many things as life goes on.Just love your kids now cause they will not alwasy need you or call.

KAZ - posted on 06/17/2011

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Your a softy. So being soft and loving and understanding people abuse you, yet are jealous of you because being who you are, unknowingly to you, you get talked about (you are the one getting the attention) Hope this makes sense, coming from a soft person, with jealousy surrounding me without cause. Keep being as beatiful as you are, you will reap the rewards. Two things granpa always said to me 1. The wheel of life turns 2. Time will tell - be patient. I practice and believe this

Mary - posted on 06/16/2011

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Sara-My daughter in law people say is jealous of me cause I act young and not like an old lady-I will be 57 this year and am living my life the best I can-My sons had no dad they were not good at all.I raised my boys.One did something horrible as a teen and I spoke out about it in the year 2005 when I was still grieving the loss of my boyfriend lots of things really hurt me and certain things were provoked by my oldest sons girlfriend talking about my son drinking saying she was concerned about him being an alchoholic,that hurt cause my boyfriend died cause he drank to much and he was abused when little by his own mom.MY sons girlfriend said she was abused by her adopted dad and all these things just set me off with more hurt.I do not and never have abused kids,my oldest son did and no one wants to believe me they treat me like I am crazy for speaking out for children and talking to people so they will be careful who they trust around there kids.We did not talk about it at all in the year 2010 was so good spending time with my granddaughter-I just do not even try to be close to my daughter in law she is not easy to be close to,maybe cause she is young and so clueless to many things.I have survived many abuses and losses guess it makes you stronger and more protective as I am of all kids.I see parents many times not really watching there kids and I say positive things to them.I was a good mom who took care of my kids and many others and put up with abuse from my oldest when he was 17-it was scary I had to protect myself and call the cops.He is good just not to be and will not understand how much pain he caused me.NOthing has been resolved since 2005 and now I just do not worry about it as much just focus on my younger son who is good,and did not do those abusive things,it did affect him having an older brother be that way.He works hard my youngest and takes great care of his family,just wish he would understand how important he is to me and make life nicer when I visit.I never touch or violate his home ever.I always am respectful to my son and his wife,she is not respectful to me.Yet she can not talk to me and tell me how she feels it needs to be done nicely.They smoke and that is not good,then she quits when pregnant.I have never been a smoker,its not healthy for them or my grandkids to be around.I say nothing though its there life but not really when you have kids you are setting an example when you smoke.I never smoked and my sons both made bad choices of friends and smoked,they never wanted to be like me the good mom who always worked hard and provided a good and clean home,also did the yard work and rode buses everywhere or bikes to get them to sports after school.I never had a care just struggled always,My daughter in law has it so easy compared to my years of being a mom,I should be jealous and I am not,just want to be treated good and appreciated.

Mary - posted on 06/15/2011

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What we moms put up with our kids then they grow up and we are not welcome in there home.How would they feel if we acted like they did when we raised them.

Mary - posted on 06/15/2011

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My daughter in law is so mean and spoiled.I do not disrespect her home.She does very little but sit on the couch when I am there,then when my son comes home she whines his name.He does everything for her.I would be happy just to cook dinner for my son to make it easier for him when he always works so hard.I do not disrespect them they disrespect me and do not care about me enjoying my grandkids.I have to stay there since i live out of town.People should be less uptight and enjoy visits from family when they are there.Life is to short for half of the mean stuff I read.Your house is your home and only you clean it and do not just talk about others tell them right away how it is.I can not stand when everyone talks about me and not to me.I like to enjoy life now that my kids are grown and they were raised by me alone.

Rosie - posted on 06/15/2011

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I am so very happy it has all worked out for you. I will definitely say a prayer for you and your family. Godbless and always know God is there! Amen.

[deleted account]

My mother in law does the same thing! she always comes around, and complains that i haven't cleaned the house perfectly, or so... she has even taken washing off the line to 'hang it the right way' and also re-folded some of my husbands clothes in the cupboards, without me knowing! also rearanging the furniture, and so and so... I can see that you respect your MIL... because you don't just shout at her for it, my MIL is impossible to confront, as she goes haywire... swearing, and all that stuff, and saying we don't appreciate all the things she does for us. i know it is hard to do, but when he moves furniture, soon as she is gone, i move it back, without getting into a fight with her. after a couple of times, she got the hint... she still doesn't leave me alone about the cleaning... she is a complete cleaning freak, and cleans her house every day, and expects everyone else to do the same. we have only been married for under a year, and we have a newborn baby, and she also tells me what i must do with him all the time. It is hard when someone can't trust you with your own baby! and with your own life. What i've gathered with my MIL, is that i don't think she believes anyone can love her son as much as her, and so I'm just not good enough.. and that really is sad, becuse i love my husband with all my heart. I don't like it when i have to tell my husband another bad thing she has done, because i know it upsets him, he knows how overbearing she can be sometimes. My MIL also thinks she can come over whenever she wants. and to make things worse, they keep their caravan at our place, so she has keys to our place. and i know she comes in when we are not home. and she'll come in unnanounced, early on a weekend, when we are sleeping in, and complain that the house is not spotless! but once i spent two weeks spring cleaning, rearanging all my cupboards, etc, and she still found fault, she took everything out of my kitchen cupboards, and put them in the way she wanted... so i had to rearange them all again. It is hard to not get cross, and i have gotten to the point where i don't even want to see her. I always thought she was such a nice mother in law, but she takes over everything, and that causes pressure and problems in a marriage... I don't feel like I can talk to her, as i know that she will just blow up. (i am a very soft, and gentle person, so i don't fight back...) I know that i should just be able to talk to her about it, but it's not as easy said than done, especially because then she will list everything she has ever done for you (which most of it you never wanted her to do in the first place) will come up, and of course, you don't appreciate anything!
I hope things become better, and just remember that things like that can either pull you and your husband apart, or they can pull you closer together... don't let her pull you two apart.
when your husband married you, he chose to leave his parents, and make a new family with you, his mother should respect that, and she isn't doing that, so you do have every right to tell her off. in your house, you do have the right to say who is welcome, and who is not, and that you do not want visitors at a certain time. anybody needs to be respectul, and make propper arangements to come over. ( I know that i shouldn't, but sometimes i pretend i'm not home, and she hoots and hoots at the gate. sometimes i'm busy breastfeeding, so i'm not going to stop just because she came unnanounced. she has stopped even letting me know she's even at the gate.. she just lets herself in).
my mom lives far away, and we only get to visit her once a year, and i wish i could see my mom more, so i could have her support.
Keep well, and good luck!

Mary - posted on 06/14/2011

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No one should evade anothers house and touch anything or move stuff around,just come over for nice visits or for dinner to build good memories.

Mary - posted on 06/14/2011

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I am a mom of two grown sons and I do respect them-they need to respect me and know that my life is different now since I am single and raised them with no help from anyone.I should not be told how to act or dress and made to feel horrible.I am not a drinker,do not cuss or smoke,am never a disrespectful person.Sometimes I have to stay a week with my son to see my grandkids and I am never in there way or do anything bad.It does not matter to them,they just act like they hate having any visitors.I could see if I was a slob and left messes.I just offer help and do not push it.Its a waste of life for so much meaness from a daughter in law.I had to put up with my kids and there friends,and girlfriends,there messes and bad choices.They never respected my privacy or happiness and I do not do that to them.I wish my mother in law would of called more and showed more interes in me and my life and her grandkids,she died at the age of 59-when I did meet her before the divorce from her son who was not a good navy husband,he just wanted to act single when married after our child was born.so I never seen the woman again.She acted like a drill sargent and gave me orders,that is not right.I never treat anyone like that.When familys visit its important to build good memories they will not be around forever.People are now so much not close anymore,everyone has there own tv and computers and do not sit and talk at the dinner table.Its a waste to even have a family if you do not spend good quality time.Some day your kids will be moving out too and never call or have time for you like the cats in the cradle song.Just want to enjoy my grandkids.Also want to enjoy my life and act young.

Betty - posted on 06/14/2011

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my mil use to come to my house and when I was not home and she would rearrange my hutch in my dining room and she would put totally different things in the hutch and take my things out and put them in one of the draws or cupboards in the hutch and one day I notice this and I found my stuff and took all the stuff she put in there out and put in a box and I put my stuff back and I brought the box of her stuff back over to her and left it at her house. She is always saying I don't set up my hutch right..I am like it is my hutch and I can put what ever I feel like putting in it. My mil likes to come into my house and start to yell at my husband and I if she is mad at us and she did that to us when we first moved into our house and I had enough of the way she was yelling at us and I had to put her in her place and told her if she cant show us respect in our own house then to leave and don't come back until she can show us the respect we show her in her home. I would never go into someones home and start yelling at them..I find that disrespectful.

Holly - posted on 06/14/2011

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you are going to have to set the rules. i did this with my MIL after i realized that my husband would not, you don't have to be disrespectful, but rules are rules. she doesn't get free reign over your house or your finances.

Sara - posted on 06/14/2011

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Mary Maul I am sorry you are going through that. Why is your daughter n law like that towards you? In my situation alot of it has to do with my mother n law an my husbands relationship. It has gotten alot better. I ahve for the most part just kept my distance and when ever I come in contact with her it has been respectful. I respect her for who she is (my husbands' mother and a grand parent to our children and the fact that she is an elder and that's about it.

Dodie - posted on 06/14/2011

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It was good to hear from a Mother-In-Law who was the Husband/Son's Mother. It's not just the Daughters-in-Law, though, For several years, after my Grandchildren were born, my Daughter would take everything I could give--time, money, love & caring for herself & her children--and then treat me like I was some kind of criminal! I had been a single Mother for 6 years & raised my two daughters on a shoestring budget. However, she still, albeit unconsciously, blamed me for her sperm-donor's (my First Husband of 11 years) leaving. When, several months ago, I mentioned this to her--she is now 31!--she didn't except it, but has come a long way since then.
So, trust me, it is not always an "child-in-law"! Although, truth be told, the friction is usually between Mothers- & Daughters-in-law!:( I would love to have a sit down with your Daughter-in-Law AND your Son, Mary! Maybe she should read some of the answers here?!
Good Luck & God Bless...A Fellow Grandmother!...
Dodie/Nana

Dodie - posted on 06/14/2011

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You know, it's kind of funny! I am, as some of you may know by now:), a Grandmother, many times over. It is a fact that, especially in cases of a son being an only child, that the Mother thinks noone is good enough for him, & that he should remain her "little boy" forever. In your case, Sara, she is well aware of what she is doing. In other cases--I'm sure some of you Young Ladies have had your mothers-in-law run amuck through your life:(--she may not be aware. It may just have become a habit, as in some Daughters who get into the habit of treating their Mothers with disrespect. So, don't go all gang-busters on your Mother-in-Law, or anyone else for that matter. Always, think before you speak, lest you become the problem!
Dodie/Nana
PS. I am one of those Mothers-in-law who gets along with my Sons-in-law AND Daughters-in-law:) I do this by minding my own business unless I'm asked for an opinion on something. Then I give an honest, carefully considered answer. If they don't like it, they shouldn't have asked!

Mary - posted on 06/14/2011

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Respect is important when someone visits your home-I am a mother in law and I never disprespect my sons home.My problem is my daughter in law she makes me feel not welcome and like an intrusion.I live out of state far from my son and I enjoy seeing him.Now that he is married its like I am not important anymore.In late April the 22nd I got a phone call from my son saying mom how long are you going to be here?I was planning a visit cause of the new grandbabies to be,twin boys.All was fine till 8 days before they were born.I got yelled out and sent many messages,through texting and facebook.Never a decent phone call telling me how long I would be welcome.It was wrong.I was not going to stay at there home out of respect cause they wanted family time alone with the babies.I just wanted to see them at the hospital with the other grandma.It broke my heart to be treated so badly at a joyous time.If my son would let me I would help out around his house and do some light cleaning or laundry and cook dinner for them.Otherwise I bother nothing at there house.Communication is so important and not yelling,I was worried about my daughter in laws behavior that it would affect the babies.They are fine and almost two months old and they have not made any effort to call me or invite me to see my grandbabies.I raised my two sons alone with no help from anyone and did not have a man that would come home from work and still cook dinner and do everything for me.My daughter in law is so spoiled and needs to do more to help my son,a family should work together.Just hope she never goes nuts and hurts my grandkids.Its important to except some help from grandmas and let them give you a break sometime cause they do know how to take care of babies they raised them too.I never had a mother in law that took any interest in my life or my kids.Moms,sons,daughters and families be nice and respect each other.NO meaness its a waste of precious life.

Rosie - posted on 06/13/2011

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I would say you sit with your mother in law and tell her how you feel. If that doesnt work go to her house and rearrange some of her things taste of her own medicine. Dont put up with it! Its your home and you should have it the way you wish to have it.

Jenny - posted on 06/13/2011

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When she goes home put them back where you want. Not worth the aggravation or a fight. If you can spare some money, give, if not say you can't at the moment and will be glad to help out when you are able to. I've been married 29 years and compromise is the name of the game.

Blessing - posted on 06/13/2011

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i think you should be patient with her...some people are just like that.At least your hubby understands what is going on.It will pass some day.

Gloria - posted on 06/12/2011

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iam a mother in law to three daughters in law and would never dream of going to there house and moving things around the dam cheek of it

Cinda - posted on 06/12/2011

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My mother-in-law drowned a violet that I had for 25 years. I asked her if she watered it and she denied it, but I know she did. She always overwatered her potted flowers, that she would get, and they would die.

Jennifer - posted on 06/12/2011

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Hey there! Your complaints are legitamate and shouldn't be overlooked. Our home is our own personal haven, and it's very bothersome when someone (mother-in-law or not) comes in with the mindset to rearrange. It's right up there with trespassing. More so than the rearranging of thongs without permission, I'm willing to bet the blatant disregard of your requests to refrain from doing such things, is more bothersome. This relays to me that she simply doesn't care what you think and that's the matter that should be addressed. It's one thing to try to be "helpful" it's entirely another to claim a kind of ownership. Sounds like you need to set some clear, strong boundaries--and not budge! Choose your battles, also and use some constructive manipulation tactics. Sometimes letting them think it wa their decisions makes all the difference. And really, in time, once there is no more apparent resistance, the novelty wears off. If not, you may ave to confront the issue yourself. It's not easy, but neither is walking on eggshells. Good luck and best regards.

Janet - posted on 06/10/2011

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My mother-in -law once said the front door needed a wash, I was breast feeding my baby at the time, so I told her where to find the cloth and to get on with it. she never said anything again.
I your mother-in-law wants to move things let her clean out your kitchwen cupboards or something usefull. good luck.

Donna L. - posted on 06/09/2011

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Sara,
For one, don't be scared of your mother in law. Next time she comes over YOU have to put her in check. Tell her, this is NOT her home and that she is just visiting and should respect you and your belongings and not touch or move them around. If for ANY reason she can't or won't stop then inform her in a nice way that from now on you will come to visit her ONLY. What ever you BOTH allow.... it is a law of tollerence.It's about respecting the other people and it seems that she has little respect for either you or her own son. time to set things straight.
Donna
BTW, Good luck and god bless in your new home and to a new life.

Pamela - posted on 06/09/2011

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Ask her over for "coffee" or whatever and then sit with her and calmly express your feelings about her actions. Tell her that she needs to respect your space as "yours and not hers" and that she should understand. Reverse the situation and ask her how she would feel if you came to her home and started moving things around.

Perhaps she isn't even aware of what she does. Lots of people out here are definitely asleep when it comes to their own actions.
Good luck.

Dodie - posted on 06/08/2011

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As a Mom/Nana, I think, after careful thought, I am siding with Lisa if: If your Mother-in-law is helpful & does nice things for you like babysit in a pinch or help out if your child is sick, etc., then let it ride. Also, the part about her laying guilt trips on your husband/her son, is between him & his Mom. Tell him that it bothers you, especially if it gets him to do/say things that he wouldn't be doing without the guilt trips. There is really nothing you can do about that, unless she tries the same tactic with you, as well.
First, though, ask yourself if the problems outweigh the benefits. If they do, then make sure your husband deals with it. If he doesn't then you have two choices: Talk to her, yourself, or let it go!
Good Luck on this one!...Dodie/Nana

Akansha - posted on 06/08/2011

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Pretend you are happy the way she change things around
If u do that 3 or 4 times, she will not get the fun to irritate
you, nor she will feel she is dictating you people, instead she feel she is doing a job for you.
Try to ignore the small changes she does.She must be possive about the son.she want to do things for him. Don't react or let your husband react. It will end one day, all the best.

Mscorr - posted on 06/08/2011

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I had an Idea last night Sara,
Buy her a similar item, wrap it and give it to her and when she opens it tell he she can move this one all she wants now in her own home lol

[deleted account]

Change the locks and DON'T give her a key. Talk to her and explain to her that she is welcome in your home but she cannot move anything without asking first as you like things where there are. If she gets pissy let her. She gets mad. Let her. Don't feel bad for expecting a GUEST to respect you and your home.

Sara - posted on 06/08/2011

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Thank you again ladies for all the feed back. We don't need to change the lock because she does'nt have a key to our place; the comments about the locks are funny though. My mother - n - law is the kind of person that will smile in your face and talk about you like a dog behind your back. My husband has put her in her place many times and when she moved the item I spoke about, she did it in front of him and he told her to put it back and to not move things that don't belong to her. She told him not to speak to her that way. My husband has stood up for me many times and has had to put her in her place because I told him long ago that that is his mother and it is his place to put her in her place, Because I am a forth right woman it's best that he does it anyway. A few years ago she called me and asked me what it was about her that bothered me and she said "you don't like me do you" and I said "no I don't" she asked why and I said because you always have something negative to say about someone and I don't want to hear all that. She said "that is what a friend of mine told me as well." My MIL plays games. She is the kind that will talk to you about something and go through several different subjects and then right smack out the blue ask you a question that is none of her business. She is very sneaky. I respect her for who she is, my husband's mother and a grandparent to our children but that is it. She has flat out said to my husbnad I am grown and I can say whatever I want to say. I can give you all countless situations of when she has done things just to cause strife. It does'nt matter what is going on with a person, respect is respect and I will tolerate nothing less. I asked you all for help because I have gone off on her before and my husband has too and even though I am a praying woman and I love Jesus Christ with everything that is with in me, she is just that person in your life that the devil likes to use to push your buttons. After 13 years I know her ways and so I have very little to do with her.

Nadia - posted on 06/07/2011

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I so feel for you Sara. Had one of those. Intruding mother in laws can be very stressful and there is a fine line between enforcing some much needed boundaries and not sweating the small stuff to keep the peace. You need to decide what is acceptable and what is not while understanding her needs to meddle. First things first is communication. Talk with her about it. Express that she is very important in your lives but some things need to be your way and seek to understand. Behind every behaviour is a positive intention! But people who mean well through the wrong behaviour can cause chaos. If you acknowledge that you understand her intentions she may feel less incline to impose it on you. People like this are also usually emotionally immature. So patience is also in order. Good luck. Nadia

Yvonne - posted on 06/07/2011

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Yes. My mother-in-law has done things like this for years. She has always been very overbearing and bossy. She actually had the nerve to start a PHYSICAL fight with me on mother's day in front of my own mother and my son!!!!!! I think she was able to see she was leading a role in a potential divorce for my husband and I. I finally spoke up to her.

Mscorr - posted on 06/07/2011

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get hubby to take care of it and if it doesn't change Id say she inst aloud over here unless I'm home. If she has a key get hubby to get it back.

Cinda - posted on 06/07/2011

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My mother-in-law did this while I was in the hospital having another baby, so when I saw what she did, I just put it back where I had it, right in front of her to see.

Chelsa - posted on 06/07/2011

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The next time she is caught, ask her why she does it and tell her that not only is it disrespectful, but how it makes you feel when she does it (hurts feelings, frustrating, ect.). Let her know that you may not like how things are at her house, but you would never tell her how to run her home, so please don't tell you.

I would be direct, but still polite.

Cathryn - posted on 06/07/2011

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i hear your pain, but i have to say that your statements are a little vague. she 'moves your things'? what things? where does she move them? if she's rearranging rooms, and switching out the living room with the dining room furniture, then i can see where this is a problem. if she's moving a piece of bric-a-brac, several inches away from the edge of a table, that's different. there IS a difference, though, yes, i can see where they both might be annoying. also, you say that she's "always asking for money", and that you were "homeless for years". where did you live? were you staying by them? did she pay any of your bills, in that time? did she give, or loan, you or your husband any money? were you eating regularly at their home? was she footing any expenses, of any sort, for you? again, there is a difference if the answer is 'yes' or 'no'. you also don't say WHY she's asking for money. it sounds, to me, like you've decided, a long time ago, to hate her, and now you're looking for validation. she might be a harpy from hell.. she might be a really nice lady, too. it's impossible to say, from your post. i don't understand why you don't talk to her... have you ever even tried? have you thought to sit down with her, and say to her, "i really don't like it when you move my things... it makes me feel angry, and it causes me to resent your being here."...

it's easy to trash someone, especially on the internet, where things are somewhat anonymous, and you can say "see, even these strangers agree!!", but that agreement isn't necessarily of any value.
i get it that this forum seems to exist for the purpose ot trashing mother in laws... the women who birthed and reared the men you married. the women who influenced them to become the men you married. if they were that miserable, how could you have married the men you did? and think on this: if you have children, you will, one day, become a mother in law. do you want to be 'put in your place'... to 'toe the line', and to 'learn to respect the contemporary of your child? (and it doesn't sound, to me, that there's anything even remotely like mutual respect going on... it's all about infantalizing your mother in law, and wielding power over her)

i wish you luck. just think, she's going to die, some day. maybe you'll all be lucky enough for it to be soon.

Tiffany - posted on 06/07/2011

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Wow, you've been through a lot! If possible he needs to deal with her himself. He needs to say we love to have you over but this is our home and you are disrespecting us by moving our things etc.. If she still doesn't get it then set up boundaries like meeting at her home or out somewhere neutral if needed. Does she watch you child for free or something? If this is the case sometimes you have to pick your battles if she is doing you a favor. If not then no way!!!

Aretha1111 - posted on 06/07/2011

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I had the same problem in my first 3 years of marriage, but my husband was a mother's baby and he did not do anything to change the situation. One day, I go back from work and saw that many of my plants had been broken, I tried to calming and later when she got my house with her husband and her daughter I talked about that with her in front of everybody and I said I never touched anything in her house or any other house, because I respect her and I want the same in mine. After that, she did not go back to my house for some years and when she did it, she did not touch anyhting. Good Luck!!!!

Samantha - posted on 06/07/2011

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my mother in law was the same way. I put my foot down. I told her until she could respect me, my things, my kids and my husband she would not be apart of our lives. She may have been hurt but she walked out the door and has not spoke to us since. We took that as a sign as though she just could not bring her self to give us the respect we gave her. my kids are 2 and 1 and she has not seen them or spoke to them in over a year.

Lisa - posted on 06/07/2011

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Have you asked her not to move your things? If you haven't I sure would be asking her not to mess with my stuff in a nice way, but eventally it would get ugly if she didn't listen! I can't say I have been through the same thing, but you can't always be nice... not when she has been acting this way. No one should ever pull a guilt drip on there children or grandchild!!! That is wrong. We just got back on our feet too, saving money is not easy exspecially with these bills we have to pay out here! I really would just talk to her before I did something else. I hope it works out for you guys.

Christine - posted on 06/07/2011

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Oh boy sounds like my mother in law. I put up with alot for 17 years now but have finally reached my boiling point lately. Mine doesn't move things around becuz she is physically limited but her comments and other annoying things are getting to me. I was raised to be respectful of my elders but at some point you have to remind her that this is "your" home. My mother in law does ask us for $$ also, even when my husband had just lost his job and we were living on a small savings. Stick to your guns about the $$ issues, especially with what you have been thru being homeless, your families needs come first until you feel comfortable enough and have your own savings. Don't help her out if it will put your finances in jepoardy. Politely tell her that you are the queen of your castle and now that you have your own place again, you will set it up the way you see fit. I would slowly and respectfully give her warnings, but if it continues after that then tell her she will not be welcome if she continues to disrespect your wishes in your home. You don't go around redecorating her house do you? Probably not!
Good Luck and stick to your guns!

Jacquie - posted on 06/07/2011

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This is one of those sticky things hubby should handle. It is his mother, he can politely explain HE lkes everything where it is and to feel comfortable "resting" while she is in your home. Is she mentally challenged, like OCD? Then I would allow her to change things when she is there an make hubby return them to their original state when she leaves. Personally I could care less, it would not bother me, although if it escalated because she has control issues, I would go back to step one.

Melissa - posted on 06/07/2011

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If it were me, I would politely ask/tell her not to rearrange the furniture. If she did it again I would "make" my husband talk to her. If it continued after that I would let it go. At that point it would be obvious that she doesn't respect either one's wishes. And what's the point in getting all worked up about something that will not change?

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