Mother of a sexually abused little girl.

[deleted account] ( 1 mom has responded )

I feel so lost alone and conflicted. A few months ago I turned my husband in and got a restraining order and charges where filed against my husband. I was a stay at home mother. He made all of our income. I adapted to his family and we became so close. He is now on the run. He was supposed to plead guilty and decided to steal his brothers car and take off instead. Its been two months. We share a son together and his grandmother just recently started contacting me to see my son. They seem to believe me when I tell them that their grandson is guilty. But I don't know if I can believe them. I have no one here that can relate to my circumstances so that makes me feel even more alone. I've had to handle all of this by myself, getting 2 jobs, taking care of the kids and juggling court dates and cops, investigators, counseling appointments and CPS. There's a lot of people out there that feel I should be past this empty feeling. But they don't understand what its like to have to wake up every morning to this disgusting reality. Every time I try to think of everything that happened to lead to all of this I just want to throw up. I wake up every morning in this empty bed. Every night I wonder why it couldn't have been someone else. Why did it have to be him? Why couldn't it be a teacher or a "friend" at least then I wouldn't be so torn. The person I trusted the most violated that trust in the worst possible way. And now my son is left fatherless and one day hell be old enough to ask and understand why. How am I supposed to explain this all to him? I just don't know. Im a terrible mess. I'm going to counseling but i can't work through this unless I go on one of my bad days because if im not having a bad day with dealing with all of this mess then I just block it out and can't even access the emotions that this brings up. I know todays bad day is brought up by seeing his grandmother. She had so many questions and there where so many I couldn't answer because the case is still open. He was telling them he was innocent this whole time which just completely enraged me. But she said it made more sense for him to be guilty because the whole time he was defensive about me and wouldn't let anyone say anything bad about me "there was no fire under his belly he was too calm about the whole thing". And even though I know he did it because he's guilty as guilty can get it still got to me. Because he was my husband and that's one of the things I loved about him. He's always defended me when I couldn't defend myself.


Nicole - posted on 12/30/2014




Hi there, and lots of hugs. Looking from the outside in I will share my thoughts. I sincerely hope that you will receive this message as I see you have deleted your account.

First and foremost YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. You are brave and a wonderful mother. All this pain you are going through is because you cared enough, loved enough to protect your children. Abuse is cyclical. If your son has continued exposure to an abuser there is a far more likely chance that he too will become an abuser and your daughter will more likely end up with an abuser. So... Kudos to you for your bravery! Your pain is an act of love - don't forget that.

Secondly, I feel you need to take care of you. As a mom it is easy to put everyone else's needs first, BUT, think of what all the flight attendants say. In case of an emergency put your oxygen mask on FIRST and then help your children with theirs. So take a deep breath and think about what you need to do to protect YOU. With you feeling safe and taken care of you will be a much better advocate for your children. When I read about you talking to your mother-in-law my stomach sank a little. How difficult that must be. My question to you is this: Does talking to her at this point help in any way? Is it putting your children at risk? Legally can it effect you or your children. My advice would be to tell her, in the most respectful way you can muster, that you and your children need some time to work through this. Let her know that you appreciate her and that it is not your intention to keep your children from her but that right now you need your space.

Lastly I would say to surround yourself with supportive people that are not personally involved with the situation. It will allow you some normalcy and if you decide to share what is going on with them, they can be there for you - not the others involved. They can give you sound advice that is not influenced by the emotions of the others involved.

Remember you are brave, you are obviously smart and you are not alone. Stay strong and surround yourself with support. Remove the triggers in your life and enjoy your precious children.


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