Mother's Day & girlfriends

Monica - posted on 05/14/2012 ( 9 moms have responded )




Last night I checked my Daughter's Cell Phone which I periodically do just so I know she is not abusing it. I am paying for it. Anyways, I came across a Text conversation with her & her Dad's Girlfriend. My daughter texted her Happy Mother's Day!! I was shocked. The girlfriend responded saying Thank you sweetie, we'll see you next week.
Anyways, I had a Dad that had a girlfriend & eventually a wife & only later on in the relationship (about 10 years later) did I acknowledge her on Mother's Day. Yes, I think it is wonderful that they are treated the same if they love & care for them.
The situation with me is that her Dad hasn't even been with her for 9 months. Yes they see eachother on her Dad's weekends but that is it.
I am upset. She is a friend & I have no clue why she would acknowlege her unless her Dad asked her to.Am I wrong to feel like this?
I know that my Ex did tell me once that since she doesn't have any children that his children would be his....What?
Does she not think that she has a Mom already? And what is going though this girlfriends mind?
I can only see if from my side so if anyone has any other insights, that would be great.
Thank you.


Krista - posted on 05/14/2012




I think you're projecting your own insecurities onto this, to be frank. Ten years is a very long time to wait before acknowledging your own stepmother on Mother's Day. But perhaps your relationship with her was different.

It could just be that the girlfriend is a warm person, gets along well with your daughter, and didn't feel right just ignoring the text, and just thanked her warmly. It takes NOTHING away from your daughter's love for you, you know.

To give it from the daughter's perspective, my parents were split up, and my dad started seeing this lovely lady. She and I hit it off well. She never tried to "mother" me, but she took a genuine interest in my life and was just a very warm and caring person. I'm sure that before even a year was up, I was saying "Love you, Dad! Love you, Gisele!," when I left their place after visits. But it took absolutely nothing away from my love for my mom. If I'd wished her a happy mother's day, she probably would have said the exact same thing, "Thank you, sweetie!"

Dad and she have long since split up, but you know what? I still send her Christmas cards. And my own mom still talks about how nice Gisele is -- she knows perfectly well that my relationship with Gisele takes away NOTHING from our own mother-daughter relationship.

So I'm not going to say that you're "wrong" to feel like this, but I do think you need to examine your own feelings a little bit more and ask yourself what it is that you're so upset ABOUT.

Monica - posted on 06/11/2012




I do agree, journals are completely different. She knows that I periodically will check her phone. I am a concerned parent regarding my child's relationship with her father as he has texted her things that he shouldn't be. I had no intention in reading her texts other than from her Dad but saw one from his girlfriend who has only been in his life for a few months plus I have never met her. All is good right now as we have been going to counseling & she is hearing what is true from me not what her father is trying to tell her. She did admit that she doesn't want to cross her Dad or he may go to Jail. This has to do with the acceptance of my BF. This is also a reason why I check her phone as he is constantly being verbally abusive against him/us.


View replies by

Stifler's - posted on 06/11/2012




I don't see the big deal. If my future step child sent me a nice message I'm not going to reply back with "Im not your mum" or something. is that what you wanted her to do?

Dove - posted on 06/10/2012




Damn Tiara, 'she's nosy' and 'knock it off'. Really? I just got my kid a cell phone (circumstances necessitate it) and beforehand I let her know that I can have full access to read anything and everything she texts on it at any time and for any reason whatsoever. I also showed her online where I can see how many texts have been made and received and if a text is deleted without my knowledge.... the phone is gone. Texts and journals are WORLD'S apart. There is no comparison there. Journals are their own private thoughts just for THEM. Texting can be saying anything to and from anyone and has the potential to be quite dangerous (sexting anyone?). Are you opposed to monitoring a child's internet usage as well?

As for the op: I can't speak for your daughter and the relationship she does or does not have with her father's girlfriend, but I've wished my step mom a Happy Mother's Day before and she didn't become my step mom until after I was married and out of the house. Doesn't lessen my relationship with my mom at all. I CAN understand your feelings 100% though.

Tiara - posted on 06/10/2012




For starters, that's a huge invasion of your daughters privacy to be reading her texts. Would you read her diary because you paid for the journel? It's not because you paid for it, it's because you're nosy. Knock that off.

Secondly, I understand how this makes you uncomfortable. Being on the other side (the girlfriend/wife to the ex) you should look at it like this : her being that big in your child's life means that is one more person that's going to care and love your daughter. She knows you're her mother, and I'm sure loves you greatly. The fact that she is acknowledging this women on mother's day is a sign she wants her to feel welcome and hopes your dad keeps her around. That's nothing to freak out over and it's better this then her not getting along with her father's girlfriend.

A lot of kids these days barely have one parent-like figure looking out for her, the fact that she has three is something to be insanely greatly for. She's a lucky girl.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/14/2012




Perhaps your daughter felt comfortable enough with this woman to be able to wish her a Happy Mother's day! I bet she didn't do it to make you feel bad.

I agree with Krista. Maybe you're projecting your own insecurities.

I have had 1 step mother and one lady whom I refer to as the woman my father married. I still tell my ex setp mom Happy Mothers day. She listened and related to me well when they were together, and I (at first) did not give her the respect she deserved. I am still in contact with her to this day. That doesn't mean that I love my mom any less...She is my mother, after all, gave birth to me, yadda, yadda...And D. actually helped me to see things from mom's perspective a lot of times.

But, I think that human beings are capable of expressing affection for more than one maternal figure, and I think that you should be thrilled that your daughter is learning to be such an adult.

Kelina - posted on 05/14/2012




Well what did your daughter do for you for mothers day? I can tell you my dad's been remarried for something like 15 years, I still don't wish her a happy mothers day but she's nowhere near close to having ever treated me even nicely let alone like a daughter. However, had she been a nice person and liked me I probably would have started wishing her happy mothers day right from the start. Also, how do you know that dad put the bug in her ear to wish his girlfriend happy mothers day? Did you ask? I'm sure your daughter loves you and I doubt this will take away from your relationship in any way. As for his girlfriend, there's a good chance she was just as amazed by the fact that your daughter texted her to wish her a happy mothers day as you are.

Monica - posted on 05/14/2012




Thank you Krista,
Its funny how the messages come across. I had a great relationship with my Step Mom & I still am connected to her in some way through family or facebook. I actually miss her. What I only remember is that I didn't go out of my way just on Mother's day. Birthdays & just because moments, I would & she knew I loved her
I don't have a problem with the girlfriend in the least & have actually sent her a message letting her know that I would love to meet her since she spends time with my kids. Which I think is no harm in doing & is a normal thing for a parent to do. She has not ever responded nor do I think she will.
My Ex was a very controlling person who continues to do it with me still. He always reminds me that he knows me better than I know myself. I have sometimes thought that the choice I made was perhaps a mistake because of what he has said to me. I was emotionally abused by this man & have no self confidence with some things. I know my girls love me & my love for them will never die.
I think my issue is that I know what he's like & he loves having someone to take care of him & he has that. I'm upset that I was so quickly replaced & its like a slap in my face. He hasn't suffered.
It is something that I have to deal with & I am doing just that.
I just appreciate the imput. I do think that my daughter loves her & just wanted to acknowledge her but I can see that my Ex planted the seed in her saying, you should wish her cause she does a lot for you. It comes across as another way of manipulating her since he can't do it to me.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms