Mothers of Adult Sons Who Treat Them Bad

Valerie - posted on 12/14/2015 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I could use some input on the above subject. I have a grown son, my only child who shows nothing but disrespect for me yet I love him with my everything. I will try to make this short thought it will cut out a lot of important incidents that happened in my life. I am a senior citizen now. I have nothing but my social security pension to live on which is meager at best. I play the numbers once in a while, trying to make ends meet and sometimes I do okay. I got a scratch off for $2,000. Lord knows I could use it because I have no money, but my son, who had been laid off for 6 months and whose unemployment had ended, had no income coming in from anywhere. I could not cash the scratch off in the State where I lived because the government would take it as I had unpaid medical bills. I sent it to my son, mostly to help him with his expenses but also because I needed him to cash it for me. My instructions were to send me $1,200, take $600 for himself and give $50.00 to my granddaughter. The rest they took for taxes. Well I had a hell of a time getting my money back for one thing. When I finally did, it was $200 short and my granddaughter never saw anything. Well I was a approved for an apartment the week after (had I known, I would never have sent him the money as I needed it for deposits, cable, electricity, etc.). He was very nasty when I was trying to get my money, telling me, you think your own son is trying to rob you for that fu&&king little bit of cash (tears). I will send you that whole goddamn check back (I wish he had). Anyway, I am moving next week, two days before Christmas. My social security check will leave me with nothing as I have to pay my move-in expenses, plus December rent (pro rated) and January's as it is due on the 1st and well, I only get one check. I asked my son if he could send me $50.00 so I could get some food as I will be extremely short. He said, "Are you seriously asking me that" after what I have gone through? I was so hurt. Here he got $885 out of the blue that I sent him and this is how he responds to me. He told me I am a very funny person and I have some very funny ways. No wonder nobody likes you (untrue) - tears. He did manage to get a job so I thought even with his problems, $50.00? What causes children (grown men) to treat their mothers this way. I am going through a rough time, had back surgery a year ago next month and can still hardly walk and I am in extreme pain. I have a nasal surgery that went bad 15 years ago and I can hardly breathe and doctors say there isn't much they can do for me, and, it will get worse as I age. I am despondent, near suicidal and just have no quality of life. My son is my everything, and although I know he loves me, why does he treat me so bad? And what do I do? I kind of feel like in order for me to make it, I have to "Let go and Let God"! Christmas is going to be very hard for me to get through. I lost both parents two years ago, I have family in another state and live with my sister now who surprisingly took very good care of me following my back surgery. I know this letter is very convoluted but I am just venting and everything is out of perspective I'm sure. I just need some help in finding a way to cope. I love my son so much, but clearly he doesn't care if I leave this earth tomorrow. Thanks.

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Sarah - posted on 12/15/2015

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If you could lower your food budget you could make a co-pay and if you live in the US you cannot be denied care based on your ability to pay. Yes the bills will rack up but many hospitals and clinics will write off enormous amounts of your balance if you take the time to ask and fill out any requested paperwork carefully. Also, as long as you are making an effort to pay (even one dollar a week) they cannot send you to collections or place a lien on your property.
I agree that your spirits need lifting, church, pain support group, groups for the chronically ill can all help you see the brighter side of things.

Dove - posted on 12/15/2015

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Do you attend church? I'm not trying to push religion on you or anything, but if you are up for it and find a good fit... you can get all sorts of emotional support, friends, small groups, etc... And it's cheaper than paying for therapy. ;)

Tons of ♥

Valerie - posted on 12/15/2015

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Thanks Dove, food is generally not the problem. I make enough income to have food. It's a problem this month and problem next month because of my moving. My major concern is my negativity on living. I can no longer bear the pain from my back surgery and I don't breathe very well (especially at night) because of a surgery where many doctors have told me I was butchered and there isn't much that can be done. Some are trying. I can't keep appointments because I don't have the co-pays so I just suffer. I have back surgery surgeon (follow up appointment) and pain management center (to be put back on meds), but with no co-pays, they turn you away. Most procedures are paid for. I had hopes of finding part time work, passed all requisite tests and now because my back is acting up again, I can't accept work. I am retirement age, but my skills are very good, so this makes me very sad. And the fact that my son, my only child, clearly has no need for me, makes it hard to want to go on. :( I miss my parents so bad.

Dove - posted on 12/15/2015

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I am a 39 year old single mother of 3 (twin girls are 14 and son is 7.5) who is permanently disabled... and I frequently feel like life is over and I'm just waiting until my son turns 18 (not that I am suicidal or would ever take my own life, but I AM totally sick of living like this). I can relate to how you feel and since I have minor children who qualify for resources it is probably 'easier' on me in some ways. There IS help out there though.

Have you tried talking to a local church? I know where I live there are several churches who do food baskets once a month and between them and the Salvation Army there are places to get free meals once a day 'almost' every day of the week. What about a local senior center? Even a nursing home may have an idea of where you can go for help.

Hang in there and don't give up!!! ♥

Valerie - posted on 12/15/2015

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OMG, Raye, I have been trying for almost a year. I don't believe this world cares very much for what they call "elderly" who are the people who need help the most. And when the ones you truly love turn their back on you, and you have tried to help yourself for so long, what do you do?

Raye - posted on 12/15/2015

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It may "feel" like your life is over... but it doesn't have to defeat you. You are strong enough to get through this. You just need to believe in yourself and try to seek help (emotionally, financially, etc.) from wherever you can find it.

Valerie - posted on 12/15/2015

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I was not approved for housing. They say I make too much. I probably could get by but between the moving expenses and 3 doctors I am being seen for medical issues, now it's a hardship. I was on serious meds for my back but after a while tapered myself off. They were expensive and addictive. Even with the tapering, I went through some withdrawal that I do not want to do again. Yet I find I need something for the pain. I have nuts and bolts in my back. I am not that old yet it appears my life is over. Despondent 101. :(

Valerie - posted on 12/15/2015

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Thank you. I have decided to let go. Actually, he had made good choices, he was in the Army for 12 years, a Sargent, Correction Officer for 2, and was good at his job, but he got laid off. Anyway, thanks for responding. I am trying to get help but they will not see me without a co-pay and it is pretty steep right now. Will remove email.

Dove - posted on 12/15/2015

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I agree w/ the other ladies on all of it. Call your social security worker or your local DHS office and ask them if they can point you in the direction of any of the resources (counseling, food assistance, etc...) that you need.

Sarah - posted on 12/15/2015

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In addition to Raye's advice, you can usually walk into your local food pantry and request some help with food. If you were approved for housing, do you get other assistance? Like food stamps, LINK or TANF?

Raye - posted on 12/15/2015

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First, you should remove your personal e-mail address from your post. This is a public, international website, and any crazy person or spammer could get your info and start harassing you or sending unwanted e-mail.

Second, he treats you bad because you let him. You need to demand respect from him, or not having anything to do with him. He's an adult. He is responsible for his actions and behaviors. You do not need to help support him because of mistakes he's made, especially if you are having financial hardships yourself. Yes, family should be there for each other and help through hardships, but not if they are ungrateful and continue to make bad choices. Sometimes you do have to let go.

Third, if you are truly suicidal, then you need to get counseling, find a support group, or call a hotline or something to help you. Holidays are extremely hard for many people, and there's no shame in needing some emotional help.

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