Moved in with my boyfriend but I have not met the kids yet-HELP!!

Hunni - posted on 11/13/2014 ( 12 moms have responded )

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Hello... me and boyfriend have been together for almost a year in Jan 2015!! He has younger children by 2 different women. Ages between 8-12 years old, 2 boys and 2 girls. He has stated that I am the only woman that he has considered ever meeting his children. I didn't believe that but I found out that it was true by his mother, best friend and 3 of his close acquaintances. (I have no need to not believe them) One of the moms I have met over the phone and she is awesome... we get along she is engaged to be married. All cool.. Now the last mother, she is a ummm piece of work. Always arguing and just confrontational. Now I understand that this is the most recent mother of his kids and they were together for awhile but it didn't work out. So we have decided to move in together because ...its what we wanted to do and we are planning on getting married either 2014 or 2015. Since I have not met the children and they will be here at the new place very often. Should I stay at my parents house for a few months until we ALL are better acquainted?? Or should I stay here with my man and just work it out?? We talked and decided that this would be best because it would be less pressure on the children. Dad has never introduced the kids to any woman. Please help. We are in love and I love him dearly.. I want to meet his children and THEIR MOTHERS....

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Guest - posted on 11/14/2014

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I think you need to move back out for a few months until you meet the kids and start to build a solid a relationship with them.
Here's the thing, when you marry a man with kids, it's a package deal--you have to love the man AND the kids. If, for whatever reason, you just don't click with the kids, or they don't click with you, and you can't handle it, your marriage will crumble. He will ALWAYS choose the kids over you if he has to choose (and hopefully he doesn't, but it happens often). You can't know whether you can have a strong enough relationship with these kids to sustain your marriage until you've met them and spent a good deal of time with them.

Speaking from the "step-child's position" if my father had moved a woman I had never met into his home when I was a child, I would have hated her from the onset because it would seem to me that he (my dad) and she were only thinking of themselves and their relationship, and not about the effect it would have on me.

Move out, go on a few "dates" with your man and the children. Try to take them all out sometimes, and maybe see if you can do a few one on one outings....it can be hard to get to know someone when you are in a group of 6.

I know some of this advice sounds harsh. It is obvious this is a new experience for you, a new type of relationship, and while you did move ahead a little out of sequence, it is good that you have the foresight to see that a problem might be arising from that and ask for advice...however harsh the advice might sound.

Wanda - posted on 11/16/2014

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I agree with the last post. I think it shows no respect to the children by a stranger moving into their own space. Someone coming into their safe secure home and using their stuff, and having a say in their daily life.
We often forget that kids are people. They have very strong feelings that need respect.

Question: if someone just dropped their bags in your house and started showering and eating your food, and even giving opinions, how would you feel? You didn't invite this person..they just showed up.

Take the time and do it right if you want it to work. His children come first. As they should.. And your respect for the kids makes a strong relationship for everyone.
Good luck.

Jodi - posted on 11/13/2014

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I'm sorry, he moved you in but you haven't met the kids yet???? What the hell is he thinking? In my book, that's just not right. If I were the mothers of these children, I'd be pissed off about that. I wouldn't move in with a man who didn't feel I was worthy of introducing my kids to. If he wants you to live with him, you need to get to know his kids first.

Sarah - posted on 11/13/2014

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Get the ring and date before you start thinking marriage. Until then marriage might just be a thing he is saying to keep you around....but marriage never comes. There is a high percentage of people who move in together with the talk of marriage soon that never get married. For the man there is no incentive for marriage once you have moved in. He has what he wants.

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Hunni - posted on 11/18/2014

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Hello thank you for all the advice and I really appreciate it I am taking into consideration of moving back in with my parents for a couple of months so while me and the children are getting acquainted and at that point I know it will be able to move forward with a very healthy and prosperous relationship between all of us..

Michelle - posted on 11/14/2014

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I'm with Jodi, if he wanted you to move in you should have at least met his children. I wouldn't have let my 2nd husband move in without first getting him to meet my boys. You need to know if there are going to be any issues before you move in together.
You also sound very young. How old are you both?

Janei - posted on 11/13/2014

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Yes, they love him. He don't refer to them as his step kids, he say his kids or our kids

Hunni - posted on 11/13/2014

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Congratulations on the date Janei.!!! I plan to shower them with nothing but that. How do the kids respond to your fiancee'... are they receptive to him... do they get along ok?

Hunni - posted on 11/13/2014

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Sarah..thank you for that insight. I do not want to be blinded by love and what is to come. So I will take that into consideration and keep this in mind because this in an important time in my life and there is really no time to waste anymore.

Again I appreciate that.

Janei - posted on 11/13/2014

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Well I'm soon to get married soon (July 26, 2015) and not to the father of my kids. I have be with my fiance now for a year and 5 months. He have been i my kids life about a year and two months. The more u around the kids the more, they will open up to u. On your outings with them just show them lots of love and care

Hunni - posted on 11/13/2014

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Thank you Janei... We talk about it all the time and he mentions that he doesn't want to mess anything up .. you know with the introduction and all. I suggested me coming back over for dinner and going out for an outing a few times and going to the movies, etc.. just so that they will get to know me. Now what has been said is that he believes that they all will get along with me but may feel a little regret because it is another woman that they are having fun with and IT'S NOT MOMMIE!!! I have never been here in this situation before so I am really asking for advice. What do you think???

Janei - posted on 11/13/2014

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If you are planning on get married, it's time to meet the kids. You're soon to be there second mother.

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