moving and guilt

[deleted account] ( 54 moms have responded )

I am divorced, with two young children and have been in a long distance relationship for 15 months. My boyfriend and I have discussed, in great depth, one of us moving and we've decided my girls and I will be the ones to move to him. Our plan is to get married and expand on our life together, otherwise I wouldn't even consider moving my kids. While I am extremely excited and very ready for us to move, I am experiencing a great amount of guilt for moving my children. They are 8 and 5 and their dad has a very minimal relationship with them and their visitation with him will stay the same. This is a piece of the guilt (moving them "away" from him), but the biggest part is moving them from family, friends and school. It is only 2.5 hours away, where we're moving, and there will definitely be lots of visits back and forth and continued connections to where we are leaving, but I feel bad. Has anyone else experienced this? If so, do you have any advice?

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Chana - posted on 03/05/2015

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I am not a single mom and if I was I really don't think I would move for a man. I think if he really loved me and my children he would be willing to move to where we were rather than uprooting the children from their family and friends. If you only wanted to hear from single moms and that is what it sounds like there is a group for that too. Although I am not sure the would give you the answers you want either. I think you are feeling guilty for taking the kids away from what they know and you want someone to tell you it is OK. It is OK for you to be happy and have a relationship but just think about what you are doing to your children.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/05/2015

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LOL Ok Dove...oops....I mean hey you, I will be waiting for your flag.....


I forgot one more key point. If he DOES have kids, what are their ages, and how is their relationship with dad? What kind of custody does he have? This all can say a lot about a man.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/05/2015

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And....yes dealing with an ex can be difficult. Her ex may not be in the picture much now, but he may try to be more so once they move. Once her realizes they are not at his easy reach. Or if this man has an ex, how difficult she may be.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/05/2015

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So yeah i am curious, and I wonder why the question has been repeatedly avoided.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/05/2015

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Everything that Trisha has said, AND if he doesn't have children, the adjustment to a built in immediate family can be really difficult. I have seen it first hand, and lived it. It makes a huge difference in every direction if he does or does not have children. Like if he doesn't have children, ad has never been a step parent, boundries and discipline can be a huge challenge. So can personal space (meaning not ever really having it again, setting boundries that are realistic and understanding that the kids come first period). Also what I have previously stated about how a women can treat her own children so differently when a new man is in the picture and in the actual living environment.

There are HUGE pro's and con's to either side whether it will be admitted or even address. It is a huge life adjustment to a man that has NEVER lived with children, or understand how kids can be. No child is a perfect model child. But to parents, they are and can be.

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Dove - posted on 03/05/2015

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Little Miss... you name called me... I'm going to report you... to yourself. lol

KeepingupwiththeRobles - posted on 03/05/2015

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YES I agree blending is not always easy. I love My Step Children and I am very thankful that they are extremely respectful and loving towards me as I am to them. Their Mother on the other hand, now that is a constant struggle. I just could not imagine letting that keep me from having the happiness that I have now. My Husband adopted the 2 children I had before I met him. Maybe I am just extremely blessed to be in my situation. I know not all situations are alike.

Trisha - posted on 03/05/2015

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You and I are VERY different people then. Just simply the stress of the moving away from friends/family is harsh enough. Add in the element of additional children and a new man who has to act like a father figure, with a differing parenting style, and all this coming out of the blue would be crazy stressful on everyone. Including mom.

I have seen women on here who were ready to call it quits because the couldn't handle their stepchildren.

KeepingupwiththeRobles - posted on 03/05/2015

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I can sympathize with EX-WIFE Drama, and loads of Jealousy from her. I do think think that everyone has different parenting styles. My Husband and I have completely different styles but we do our best to blend our parenting styles for the sake of our children. I think jealously from the kids is standard and it is something that blended families have to work through at first. I just personally wouldn't let those things hold me back from moving my family if I felt it were the right situation .

Trisha - posted on 03/05/2015

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KeepingupwithRobles: jealousy, favoritism, different parenting styles, Ex wife drama.

Edit: Not to mention the fact that with each person added, you add in the possibility of conflicting personalities.
Sometimes, you just do NOT get along with someone.

KeepingupwiththeRobles - posted on 03/05/2015

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Just out of simple curiosity , why does it matter if this Man has any children?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/05/2015

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LOL Dove...Brat ;P

Annnnddd...still haven't answered if this man has any children.

Dove - posted on 03/05/2015

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Welcome to Circle of Moms!!
10,787,658 members

10 million members... that should tell you something....

lol Thanks for the back and forth entertainment though ladies. That was great.

KeepingupwiththeRobles - posted on 03/05/2015

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Yeah I completely agree. I thought this forum would be an uplifting site for Moms.. Clearly not everyone on her is as genuine as I hoped for this site.

[deleted account]

Thank you Jennifer. Your positive comments and thoughts really helped offer some perspective. I'd love to let you know, however I'm not sure this forum will be something I frequent after today ;)

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/05/2015

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Annnnnnddddd....there it is. Once someone has run out of actual reasonable responses, the name is attacked. That always cracks me up.

KeepingupwiththeRobles - posted on 03/05/2015

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Lori I again wish you all the luck in the world. I would love to know what decisions you make for your family and how it plays out for you. I am hoping your situation plays out like mine, however, if for some reason that it doesn't .. Well it is a life lesson and I am sure you will be able to again do what is best for you and your children! Sending you lots of blessings ! Xoxoxo

KeepingupwiththeRobles - posted on 03/05/2015

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I'm sorry that I did not welcome your Reply to me . Considering you took such offense before I even replied to you shows me that you feel entirely guilty for the comments you made. My post were directed to Lori. I think it is you who is not welcomed to hear any other opinion other than yours. Hence your name " Little Miss Can't Be Wrong"

[deleted account]

Wow. This has turned into a $#-+ storm, if you will. You are right, I did not specify "single moms", however I did ask for advice and suggestions from moms having dealt with something similar, so for that, I think each of you. However, none of you know me, aside from what you've deciphered from these messages, therefore saying I'm " mad" or "defensive" is just plain ignorant. I'm just a mom, moving forward with my life, asking for advice and hoping for the best. I truly appreciate your comments Jennifer, not because it's, as "lmcbw" & "dove" have put it "what I want to hear", but because it is the most similar situation to my own and it's a HUGE plus it was such a positive one for you :) As far as the rest of this mud slinging (you know who you are), I choose to stop reading or addressing it. It's a waste of everyone's time. Jennifer took the words out of my mouth...we are supposed to build each other up, not tear each other down. Very disappointing.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/05/2015

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Actually, yes you did.

Furthermore, it is important on these sites to use names or abbreviations when you are addressing an individual due to the shear volume of replies that there are, and the amount of people responding. It is really helpful, otherwise it gets rather confusing. Yes I was addressing you personally, and that is why I used your name directly. Not being rude, or judgmental, but if I am directly speaking to someone, it makes it more clear who I am talking to.

KeepingupwiththeRobles - posted on 03/05/2015

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Also I never told her to disregard anything. I wished her luck on her journey and also stated that she knew the best decision for her and her family. I never once told her to take my advice only. This is beginning to be comical to me.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/05/2015

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See, it is funny. You clearly think I am being harsh in your opinion. (maybe you have not read all my posts?!?). And I think you are being equally harsh to me.....and unnecessarily defensive. Funny how we all have different opinions huh.

KeepingupwiththeRobles - posted on 03/05/2015

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I'm sorry , are you feeling guilty? I never replied to any of your comments or named any names for that matter. I welcome any opinion that is fair. Advice that is good advice and not judgmental . Furthermore there are some comments that have been made on this thread that I felt were offensive . However I did not state any names or reply to any other comments before you felt the need to reply to mine and take such offense.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/05/2015

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Your opinion to her says to disregard everything else anyone has said simply because it was not your choice. Your posts have stated that others are JUST being judgmental and not to take anything anyone else says into consideration. This forum is great because so many people have lived different lives, and can offer a unique perspective. Is it always going to be what you want to hear? No. If that is what you want, then life itself is going to be really disappointing. You can certainly offer your experience, and opinion without having to say others are judgmental and simply criticizing if they don't have the same opinion or experience as yourself. That is extremely closed minded and one sided, let alone short sited.

Of course it is important for the OP to hear about experiences like yours that have been successful, but it is equally important to hear both sides of that coin IMO.

KeepingupwiththeRobles - posted on 03/05/2015

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Good for you. I applaud you for the fact that you would not move your family. However not everyone has experienced the same situation you have either. So while I will agree that the situation may or may not always work out , this was my opinion to her. You are entitled to your feelings and opinions as I am to mine. Good day! Xo

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/05/2015

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Once again Jennifer, you are confusing your own feelings with other peoples advice. You can see it as judgement all you want, when in fact you cannot see that you are passing judgement more so and very harshly. You don't want to see that, simply because it doesn't jive with your own opinions and experience. BUT, you are not the only one with life experience here. What has worked for you, hasn't worked for others. And yes, i can say with full certainty, due to my personal life experiences I would absolutely not move to another state for a man that I was not already married to, living with, and truly sharing a daily life with. You would, and you have. That doesn't mean it is right for everyone.

KeepingupwiththeRobles - posted on 03/05/2015

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Sorry but that is the way it seems to be to me. Like I said before it is one thing to give advice and another to be harsh.

Dove - posted on 03/05/2015

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No one is tearing her down... just stating what they would or would not do or what they have or have not done and trying to make sure she has THOUGHT of every angle. No one has called her a horribly selfish human being or any mean/rude names whatsoever....

I think some people need to learn the difference between judgment and concern... and between harsh/rudeness and simply having a blunt way of speaking.

'I' mean no ill will towards the OP... and I know Little Miss well enough to highly doubt she wishes any ill will towards the OP. There are thousands and thousands of women on this site from all walks of life and w/ all varieties of opinions and ways of speaking. That is something very important to understand when you are putting your business out among a LOT of different people.

KeepingupwiththeRobles - posted on 03/05/2015

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You are very misleaded and I feel sorry for those who are small minded. I was never on the receiving end of any judgment. I was commenting on a post and giving my opinions. While advice is great (whether it is my side or another side) judgment is wrong especially if you have never been in that situation before. Maybe you should not comment so harshly on a situation you have never been in. You are the one who seems to be so upset because others have not agreed with your statements.

KeepingupwiththeRobles - posted on 03/05/2015

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And as far as other people judging you I would ignore it. Those who judge and whom have never been in a situation have no clue of a definite answer they would make. I think you should take all advice in and really analyze good advice instead of dealing with those who are trying to pass judgment. I am new to this site but I am disappointed by such harsh remarks and judgments. Mothers are suppose to build another not tear one another down.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/05/2015

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Actually, a lot more than that can happen Jennifer....the least of it is it not working out, and they move back.

Clearly you feel it is all being critical because you probably were on the receiving end when you were moving. So you are going to see any opinion that does not parallel yours as criticism.

Dove - posted on 03/05/2015

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I don't know Chana... I've been in those single mom groups before (don't read them anymore). She'd likely get a lot of what she wants to hear there. lol

KeepingupwiththeRobles - posted on 03/05/2015

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Advice is one thing , to be critical of another good Mom is another. You know in your heart what the best decision is for you , your family, and your happiness. Do not let guilt get in the way. All that matters is that the three of you are together. What's the worst that could happen? You move back.. Well that's a chance I would be willing to take for some pure happiness for my family.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/05/2015

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And still, you have avoided a very poignant question....does he have children?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/05/2015

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Sorry, but you never stated in your op that you only wanted advice from single mothers, and clearly you do indeed only want to hear what you want to hear. That is abundantly clear now. You have heard from single mothers, and gotten mad that they have not responded how you wanted, you have heard from people in similar situations and have gotten defensive. Good luck.

[deleted account]

Thank you so much Jennifer. Again, I wasn't only looking for "what I wanted to hear", but advice or suggestions from single moms who have experienced something similar. So...thank you. Your reply brought me to tears.

KeepingupwiththeRobles - posted on 03/05/2015

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Hi,
What Judgmental opinions for a forum. Advice is great but to be critical is unfair. Heres what I will say to your post. I did it. My kids are the happiest they have EVER been and I have been married almost 2 years to my Husband. We would never look back. I am extremely satisfied with the decision that I made. 2.5 hours is not a far drive. Why should you have to put your happiness on hold because you are a Mom. When you are happy your children as even happier. If you have the order signed by the Judge then obviously their Dad couldn't have had much of an issue anyway. Even if he did have an issue you implied that his visitation is minimal. So while you are being a single Mom, which is hard , you also deserve happiness. Your children will be happy wherever you move because they are with you. Good Luck on your Journey!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/05/2015

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Also, you have not mentioned if he has children of his own yet. That can be crucial in either direction.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/05/2015

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Lorri, I definitely think you are confusing concern with judgement. Going on any public forum and asking a group of women from all walks of life their opinion, won't necessarily change your mind (nor should it really) but it can give you insight that you may not have thought of.

I may not be speaking as a single mom, but I am speaking from a perspective of a stepchild. I am also speaking from the perspective of a family unit that move 1200 miles away from everything my child knew, while pregnant with another child. Taking the husband away from his family just to be closer to mine, and have a different life.

You may not see this as the same thing, and in fact you are right to an extent. I was moving with my family to more family. You are moving to your boyfriends house with your children. This is indeed different, but very similar in a different capacity.

The way are responding implies you already have some level of guilt brewing, which is normal. It is great that you are thinking of all the things you need to, but don't fool yourself or your children. You are moving to be with this man. A different life is just a bi-product of your decision. The difference being, if this boyfriend lived in the same town as you, and you already lived together, THEN deciding to move as an already formed family unit to create an already established life in a different town. There IS a difference.

I am sorry if you feel judged. I am sure some of your comment was directed at me. That was not my intention. I have been through this, and yes there is guilt. Also, just because it is ONLY 2 1/2 hours, does not make a 5 hour round trip for feasible. It is great that you want to improve your families situation. I honestly wish you the best of all worlds.

[deleted account]

I agree and I'm not super social either, so I've been working on that. And I've already got the girls involved/signed up for activities of their choice, to help them adjust :) That was a must and definitely a great idea! Thank you!

Trisha - posted on 03/05/2015

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And a bit of guilt is healthy. It will be an adjustment period for your kids. Ensure that you get your children into sports/social activities of their choosing asap. I think this will probably help them in regards to losing their current friends. You are going to want to find ways to be excited about this move.
It is also going to be important for you to re-establish a social group for yourself. I am not a very social person as it stands, so I tend to just have friends that are share with my husband, but the average person generally needs to have close friends around. lol. I am just weird that way.

[deleted account]

Thank you Trisha. He and I are together, with my kids, every weekend and sometimes more, based on work/school schedules. He is very involved in their lives. We have both been in "unsuccessful", unhealthy relationships, so the fact that this relationship is so unbelievably healthy and has withstood the long distance trials and tribulations thus far, is very encouraging and having built such a strong foundation is so important (learning from the past, the foundation is key). My family is supportive, his family is supportive, I just have that guilt for moving my kids. That's it, that's the issue. Thank you for your words.

Trisha - posted on 03/05/2015

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I think a lot of these women are just concerned, as they have seen women move their entire lives to be with a man, just to find that it is not right for them. Since kids are involved, they are even more so concerned.
If you are moving for other reasons, I would highly suggest getting your own place to start with, and date and see this person on a more regular basis. Moving kids into a household with a new person could potentially be a very negative experience.
Moving away from friends/family is going to be very hard on your children, and you. You are already aware of that. I can honestly say that this not something I would do myself. It would have nothing to do with guilt, but pure fear of this person not being the right person for me and making the wrong decision.
I live 2.5 hrs away from my family right now. And I have been in a situation with my husband where things got verbally and mentally abusive, where I would have definitely left had I had my family support closer. You might not think it makes a difference, but that bit of extra isolation has an impact on the decisions you make.

Dove - posted on 03/05/2015

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lol If I want to 'waste my time' to post that as a single mom there is nothing that would have me moving my children away from their lives... I will do so. You don't get to dictate who responds and what they say just because you don't like it.

And yes, if I DID move my children away from everything and everyone that they know... I would feel tremendous guilt... for good reason.

IF their environment is harmful... moving is ideal. If they are happy and thriving... staying is ideal.

[deleted account]

Let me clear something up, as a good part of the replies I'm getting seem to have the misconception that I'm moving "for the man"..... Yes the man I've connected with and am building a life with happens to live away from us and if it weren't for having met him, I probably wouldn't be considering moving to his town. However, HE is not " the reason" we are moving. I am making the conscious choice to move me and my children, we are a package deal, for many reasons, most of which I don't feel the need to go into detail about. That being said, once again, I was posting on this forum (first and now probably my last time) in hopes of connecting with other single moms who have actually have experienced moving, after divorce, with children, and if they experienced guilt or not. If they did, advice or suggestions on how they coped with it. I didn't expect only replies I wanted to hear, but I also didn't expect judgment. So, please don't reply if you're just into casting stones. It's a waste of everyone's time, including your own.

Dove - posted on 03/05/2015

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Well... I am a single mom and there's nothing in the world that would have me moving my kids away from their lives here. Certainly not for any man. If he wouldn't move TO us... the relationship would not have gone anywhere.

[deleted account]

Thank you to you ladies who have responded. "Labored" about this decision is an understatement. I have hashed it and rehashed and he and I have hashed it and rehashed it. I'm your classic overthinker. Most of that comes from my upbringing and the rest my career....you can never be too careful. However, after being in an unhappy marriage for quite some time, I feel I'm finally in a place in my life where I'm happy, which makes me a better mom, a better friend, a better daughter, a better person. My kiddos always come first, so bettering their life is always at the front of my decisions. Just hoping for advice from other single moms who have ever dealt with guilt of moving with kiddos ;)

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/05/2015

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WOWZA! So many things in this post.

Fist of all, it is good that you got all your legal issues sorted out first.

Secondly, you are moving straight into a home with a new man after ONLY dating 1 year and 3 months....long distance. You are most likely moving into his home, right?

Does he have children? Have your children been around this man for extended periods of time? This is going to be his home, that you and your children are moving. I personally would be more inclined to have him move to you. Where if things don't work out, he can move out and you still have your home with your children.

You are going to do what you want, and feel is best, I just hope you have really labored about this decision. Not only are your children being moved from everything they know, they are moving from their family. They are moving in with a stranger. Women tend to act differently around a man, and discipline their children more harshly in front of a new man to try to look perfect. Just saying. Lived through this as a stepchild.

Sasha - posted on 03/04/2015

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I say do what is in the best intrest of the kids. They may want to do this now but bc if thier age they really dont understand forever living there until forever happens then they may 1 love the change or 2 hate the change. Another thing is 15 months is a short time to change 8yrs and 5 yrs at the same location that has provied them with consisity. Very scary change if you both have not lived togeathet yet thats hard to bc how do you know how he will feel with the kids there. Guide your change on your childrens life and whats best because this will change there life forever

[deleted account]

Thank you for replying Jodi. I have a court order. We went to court over this, came to an agreement and the Judge signed it.

Jodi - posted on 03/04/2015

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My biggest advice to you is to make sure you have LEGAL documents approving your move. If you just move because you think your childrens' father is okay with it and will still be getting the same visitation anyway, think again. I've seen people who have lost custody because they didn't have a court order that approved the move.

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