Moving away children want to stay and move in with their Dad, so devastated!

Lori - posted on 09/04/2013 ( 25 moms have responded )

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I have commuted for work 5years an hour each way, I did this because there are few jobs in my town that I could support my family on. I have been divorced for 8 years and recently remarried, my husband is great with the kids and we now have the means to buy a house closer to work, the commute would be a quarter of what I do now and I could spend much more time with the children. The children helped pick out the new house and were apprehensive about moving but I never thought they would refuse as the move gets closer and decide to live during the week with their Dad and only come to my house for weekends. I have cried everyday for a month, I am tearing up just writing this, now what I thought would be a great move has turned into disaster. We can't get out of the house deal we are 2 weeks to closing I have no idea what to do? Please give me some words of wisdom, I feel I could loose my family!

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Eric - posted on 09/11/2013

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Sounds like they are getting old enough to make their own decisions, but dont take into account how it affects others. If they are happy and the dad is happy then doing whats right would be hard to do.

Lori - posted on 09/11/2013

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Jessica, I am so sorry you have to go through this, I would never wish this pain on anyone. Thanks for your support, and I hope you find work and recover quickly, you have to try and be positive no matter how hard that is.

Nancy S - posted on 09/07/2013

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How old are they? We recently moved from St Louis to Chicago, My youngest girl (17) had no problem, but I really didn't give her s choice. Now my 22 year old son, he show up a few weeks later expecting me to be his msid while he sat on his butt. But that's a different story. I'm sorry, but if they are still in school they wouldn't get a vote. I am a 60's baby boomer, if I'm paying the bill they be with me. When they turn 18 they can do what they want. I figure you aee talking about teenagers. And if you ex is a good father he will support you and tell them that they can't stay. Again you are the mom, that vetoes everyone else. They'll get over it. Let me know what happens. Good luck!!!

Leela - posted on 09/05/2013

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Change is always hard but you are still the parent and they are the children. Tell them to try it for a few months and if it really doesn't work, then they can stay with their dad.

Chantelpaishon - posted on 09/05/2013

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My mother had moved us from Hawaii to az during middle school. The transition was really hard losing all your friends, specially If you grew up there. We hated it and acted out for a little til we realized it was not that bad. It's been years but now I look back and know my mother only did what's best and I love where I ended up and still live in Az and loving it too. MOTHERS KNOW BEST! Good luck.

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JESSICA - posted on 09/11/2013

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Well said Eric! This has been taking all my energy away! To leave my son in fl with his dad because I came here for a better lifestyle, I just can't find work and I've been here 9 months and plus I don't have family and friends down here! It hurts to leave my son and I just don't want him to ever feel like I'm a bad mom! But he was the one that decided to stay with his dad because the lifestyle in fl! Not fair for me to take him
Back to New York and go back to something that is not a good place!

JESSICA - posted on 09/11/2013

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Its just a hard decision to make! Weather to leave or stay...My fiance lives in New york and has been taking this long distance relationship good..Ive been here 9 months and we see each other as much possible, I also cant blame him as well hes been in his for almost 13 yrs and with a really good salary..& for him to throw that away and maybe not find jobs here in florida, Can be scary! I just hope if i decide to leave my son dont think of me as a bad mother, Although he knows i tried hard..

JESSICA - posted on 09/11/2013

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Wow I feel your pain...The same with my 13 yr old son he decided to live with his dad..I moved to florida from New york and ive been here 9 months and i can't find any work..The bills are coming and getting larger, So i decided that my best choice would be going back to New york where there is more opportunities, I mean is not the best place But the more i stay here in florida the more stress and anxiety i get! so my son tells me he loves his new school and his friends and he is able to come outside and play with no problem! i must of asked him 5x if thats what he wanted and he said yes.. I got so angry for him not wanting to come with me that he started to cry and tells me stop forcing me mom! i mean dont get me wrong his father is a great rold model..But i just feel like i fail and that makes me look like a bad mother cus i didnt try hard enough? my heart is so heavy right now and im so torn! i can't believe its 4:30 am explain i cant sleep and woke up from a anxiety attack...

But for Lori u cant really force your kids, although it hurts so much, I know your pain! just always tell them you love them and whenever they are ready to come home they will always be welcome! Good Luck Hun....I hope i can get a miracle! :(

Dove - posted on 09/09/2013

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Don't keep letting them know how upset you are... that gets SO annoying. Just let them know how much you love them and that your door is always open if they change their minds. You will be ok. You can call them frequently and still see them. I don't doubt how hard this is on you, but uprooting their lives or guilt tripping them won't do anyone any good.

Lori - posted on 09/09/2013

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Jacqueline I thank you for your insite I will keep talking to them and make sure they understand how upset I am and that no matter what my door is always open for them whatever they decide. I do love them enough to let them live with their Dad if that is what they truely want.

[deleted account]

You should never feel like you're being punished, you deserve to be happy. When my parents divorced I moved with my mother and my siblings to Florida right away and I was born and raised in Texas, so imagine how drastically my life changed. I've moved back and forth, I've gone to about 9 different schools, and making friends is no problem, and I'm glad I was able to experience it all because it's given me so many perspectives of life. I myself have been through the experience of moving with my father for about a year and my mother living in Florida, I have a great father but honestly it's not the same thing as having your mother around. A mother's love and care is so different, father's are more chill they don't get after you as much, it's nice but at such a young age we need to have a mother to guide us and set rules and limits so that we grow up knowing from right and wrong. You have to tell them that it upsets you, you need to communicate so that they understand. You're the mother, you're the one who is there for them, so you decide.

Lori - posted on 09/09/2013

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Jacqueline thank you, I have talked to them on several occasions and what they have said is they don't want to leave their friends and school and that their Dad would be alone without them, they say that now I am married that I am not alone, I have explained through tears that no one could take their spot and I think I am being punished for remarrying, that I will be a shell of myself without them. But I have stopped saying any of that, I don't want to make them feel guilty but I do want them to realize I am extremely upset and that I am not sure how it will all work out only seeing them one night and on weekends.

Nancy S - posted on 09/08/2013

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Jacqueline you were and are such a mature young women. God bless you.

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I'm not a mother but simply an 18 year old that has experienced the separation of my parents for 12 years. I know how hard it is, but I also understood the fact that my parents could no longer be together for themselves and of course for their own children. Being so young and having to see my parents start a new life seemed strange yet I knew the only thing I could have done was support them and be happy for them, but it was honestly hard. I'm not trying to imply that I know what your children might be going through but I might have an idea since I was once in their shoes.

Sit and talk to your children, just you and your children, and let them tell you why they want to live with their father and listen to everything they have to say and just respect what they have to say because that's important, you never know what's going on in there head. They are still young and they must not understand everything.

Nancy S - posted on 09/07/2013

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Good. Just so many don't get legal advice and let emotions rule. Unfortunately that's not your best course of action. Just remember that they are at that crazy point in their lives and really don't realize what their doing. And with daddy feeling their minds with bs.... well I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. I know it's easy to say and really sucks when you're in the middle. We'll if you need somebody to remind you your not the evil stepmother her, ,you are the loving mom with the evil dad feeling there minds with crap. I was the evil stepmother to two little girls that hated me 25 years ago. My husband a I fought with love and the truth. Now I am Nancy, second mom and grand.other. So taking a long story a little longer, it will work out in the end. Sorry s I gabby, but I went through similar bull. You can d I it, yell if I can help.

Lori - posted on 09/07/2013

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My twin boys are 12 and my daughter is 15, and believe me I have consulted two lawyers and looked into all avenues, thanks for the offer but I think I have no other options.

Nancy S - posted on 09/07/2013

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How old are they and what state do you live in? Don't mean to be nosey, but I might be able to check out a few state laws. It is so hard to split kids from mother and unless there is solid evidence of abuse or neglect a judge won't consider it.

Ev - posted on 09/07/2013

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And a judge won't deny them the changes either. And unless someone has been through custody, they can not understand what is what. But at their ages, why fight it? I know how hard it is to wrap the head around an idea like that, I have experienced it, my kids were 12 and 5. Imagine letting a five year old go with their dad to live.....it was not easy. But if you make a big deal out of it and force it, then they will resent you for it. Let them try it at dad's and see what happens. IF they do not like it, you will know. But you also have to remember that if they have gone to school their entire lives there or at least most of their lives, its going to be hard on them to give that up. As for starting over, they would be fine but then if forced to do so, they would resent it. Its one thing to be in a family that has no divorce and custody issues going on and moving (I have done this one) because you have no choice as the kids even as teens. But if there is custody with parents and you are a teen, the court order comes first along with the kids choices as teens.

Lori - posted on 09/07/2013

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Yes I agree, I am just having a hard time coming to grips with spending less time with them, I can't get my head around it. Since one of the main reasons for the move was to have more time with them, and I know their Dad talked them out of it. But I am not saying I am a better parent, just a more involved parent than him up till this point.
And Nancy, I appreciate your comments and wish I could make them but legally at their ages I can't and their Dad has threatened to go back to court again, I have sought legal help and they have told me that a judge won't make them move if they don't want to.

Ev - posted on 09/07/2013

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Nancy, being a baby boomer or not, this day and age the kids can go into that court room and say to the judge if they are of the right ages that they want to go with dad. And what gets me is this is only an hour away! Compromises could be made. Why make the kids give up their school and friends? Why not let them stay with dad? What if he is offering to do it? What makes the mother more capable of handling the kids than a father? What makes the mom's vote the only one? Also, you have to consider if its okay for the kids to move even that far away depending on the court orders and its a big mess to take that to court and get approved and be okay with the other parent. There are many factors. If I had to move an hour away and the kids wanted to stay with dad because they wanted to finish out school that they have been in for their entire lives to that point, I would not force them to change districts an hour away just because I got a new job there. I would make a visitation setup to be able to see them as much as possible and let dad have a taste of what I have dealt with even if he has been agreeable the whole time. Its not about the mom and dad, its about the kids.

And before you tell me I do not know what that is about, I had to agree to a custody order because I had no money to fight it to keep the kids with me, I did not want them to be pawns and also that I knew if they were in the knowledge that I would be there for them and spend as much time as I could with them, that I would not loose them....(that took some time to sink in even for me). I also knew by doing that, they would not worry about whose house they would be in within six months or so. They would not have to worry about me and their dad fighting over them.

Lori - posted on 09/06/2013

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I am very close to them it was only us for quite a few years but they have always had a relationship with their Dad and he hates me for leaving, says rude things about me to the kids and has always been able to offer much more financially, he is very well off. In the beginning they were open to moving but now after 2 months with talking to their Dad it has changed and I cannot legally make them go. So I either move without them or try and live there part time? I have talked many times to their father and he will only agree to 3 weekends a month visitation and my lawyer agreed that a judge might side with him or give me less. After them being with me the majority of their life it is heartbreaking! Thanks for all the support.

Ev - posted on 09/05/2013

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Lori,

At that age range, you are right that in most places they can chose to live with dad and even chose not to see you on weekends because of friends or activities. I have countless times gave up weekends with my kids because of those things and sometimes even switched weekends with their dad to allow for family functions on either side. Its not easy but it can be done. You did not mention how close to your kids you are. If you are very close to them, I do not see them just up and abandoning you totally for friends. They still need you as well. As for getting a small apartment to see them a couple days a week? Does that not cut into your funds and create extra expenses....instead why not go get them after school is out for the day for a few hours and spend time with them then. That can be done too. Also offer something fun to do on weekends. Include your husband too. He is part of the family now. As for the marriage, it will be hard as he knew you had kids and it was part of the whole deal. Talk to him and get his input on things. Maybe he can shed light on some things you have not thought about much or at all. Talk to the kids. See what they would like to do. You might be surprised.

Lori - posted on 09/05/2013

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Evelyn
Thank so much, but I did want to do this only to be able to spend more time with them, so it feels like I have lost everything. They are 12 year old twin boys and 15 year old daughter, so they can choose. I feel like I am loosing them at a very critical time as well. I have talked to a lawyer before I even choose to move to make sure of the legal implications and he said even though I am the primary custodial parent a judge would not rule that they should go with me if they chose their Dad. Another issue is they might not want to come see me on weekends if they have friends to hang out with at their Dads, then what? It has really affected my new marriage as well, I have even thought about getting a small apt. And live away from my husband a couple days a week but it seems crazy and not good for the marriage? I am grasping at straws at this point.

Ev - posted on 09/04/2013

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Hi, I know exactly what you are feeling and going through. My kids ended up living with their dad through a variety of reasons all for their benefit. I also thought I would loose my kids too with fear their dad would turn them against me. But if you have a close bond with your kids, then it should be alright. I know that having them there all the time is what you are used to; I was in the same boat. I had to learn to deal with what time I had with them and make the best of it. You see, its not the quanity of the time but the quality of it that counts. Maybe your kids are scared of loosing their friends and so on and having to start over. If the drive is only an hour away, that is not so bad. If you got all weekends, you could have fun with them. Do things with them you never had the time to do before. Keep in mind that if staying in their school and being close to their friends is what they want and they are old enough to chose this, don't make it such a hard choice for them. THey will respect you for this in the long run. Just reassure them you love them and are there for them. That is all you can do. Moving is a big deal to kids especially those that have been in the same school since they were little. Do not interupt what they have going right now. And you never know....they may change their minds and decide to come to you anyway.

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