Moving in with my boyfriend.?.?.?

Lisa - posted on 03/23/2015 ( 17 moms have responded )

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I have been with my boyfriend as of Aug.28th 2014. I am also going through a divorce and any day now it will be finalized. I have three kids 12 son, 6 & 3 daughters. BF has a 13 year old daughter. We all get along and have a blast. BF and i have been talking about moving in as soon as the divorce is finalized. I have informed my ex-husband of the possibility of the kids and i moving in. My ex thinks he should keep the kids for a year, that way my BF and i can see if it will last. But BF and i feel that the kids are part of me and we should all move in that way the kids don't feel mom left them for the new guy. (What to do?) Or maybe I can move in and give it til the end of summer and then move the kids in too.... ( Any Ideas of what would be best for the kids? )

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Sarah - posted on 03/23/2015

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My advice.....don't move in. Allow your kids to adjust to the divorce. You go from one to another no matter how long you and your ex were separated for you will do damage to your kids. Give them time to adjust. Also this gives your new relationship more time too, which is always better.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/26/2015

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Raye, very well stated!
Personally, my favorite verses in this situation are Matthew 7:1-3: Judge not, that ye not be judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
Glen S, as a Christian woman, it is NOT my place to pass judgment on my fellow sinners. That is for my Lord to do, and I'm happy to give it to Him for his decision.

That being said, this is not a forum for religion. There are groups for Christian moms, etc on this forum, but not all groups are religious, nor do all groups appreciate religious judgment. Please try to temper your responses in that regard.
Also, please remember that our Lord tells us to love our neighbor. That, to me, is more important than feeling holier than thou by berating one for a choice that you do not agree with, nor that you had anything to do with from the start.

Cheers, and appropriate blessings to all!

Raye - posted on 03/26/2015

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Glen, If you're against divorce, great. Never get divorced. I am not a religious person at all, and I feel that divorce is a last resort. But we don't know Lisa's situation, what has happened, what they tried to work things out. So don't judge. Her divorce is already in the works, so that ship has already sailed.

Also, when people start picking and choosing bible verses to make their point, Sometimes I gotta jump in. The Bible gives two clear grounds for divorce: (1) sexual immorality (Matthew 5:32; 19:9) and (2) abandonment by an unbeliever (1 Corinthians 7:15). It also says:

1 Peter 3:7 - Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

So, could it be interpreted that, if the husband mistreats the wife, he has turned from God and is shown to be an unbeliever and therefor grants her grounds for divorce?

Also, it's not your place to judge others or condemn them for their supposed sins. Yes, there may be passages in the bible that say a certain action is a sin. But it also says your personal judgment should be such that it causes you to recognize and understand that people are fallible. The bible says not to fear the sinner, only discern the right from the wrong and live your own life accordingly (each person is responsible for his own sins). It says that final judgment of sinners is reserved for leaders, appointed judges, the clergy, and ultimately God himself.

Hebrews 13:4 - Let marriage be held in honor among all, ../.. for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

So, stop playing god and passing your judgment onto others. Just live your life according to your beliefs and leave religion out of it unless someone specifically asks for that kind of advice.

Chana - posted on 03/25/2015

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Glen, this site says "Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS". I think saying that divorce is not the right choice is a thump. I am also a Christian and I believe divorce is not for everyone but at the same time sometimes that is the only option or the best and safest option for a woman or man and the children involved. She is already practically divorce so that is not even in the question. The question is what is in the best interest of the children at this point. The best thing for the children is to be happy like Michelle and others have said and to help them through the divorce, let them get adjusted to that new family dynamic and then consider moving in with the boyfriend. A suggestion for moving in with the boyfriend when you decide it is the right time might be to find a place together so that you and your kids don't feel like they are moving into his or his daughter doesn't feel like you and your kids are moving into her house and taking over. If you find a place together it would be every ones house. I don't know if that would even be possible but it may make adjustment a little easier for everyone involved.

Michelle - posted on 03/25/2015

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I believe that the best thing you can do for your children is to be happy and sometimes that could be divorce.
I divorced my 1st husband and my children are very well balanced and happy. If I had stayed with the cheating abusive ex then the house would be a miserable one to live in.
Everyone's situation is different and it's best not to judge their decision. The OP didn't ask if she should get a divorce or not.

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GlenS - posted on 03/25/2015

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“Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery"

Luke 16:18

I will share one story soon.

I did not say any irrespective word , Thumps you mean; if you think its Thumps , its your problem , Even in bible when Apostle Paul saw the unwanted things in Galatian church what word he used....

GlenS - posted on 03/25/2015

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My Suggestion as a Mother, If you have kid Just live for them why we made their life become a miserable one. Probably different person have different choice. But As a Christian I am against Divorce

Michelle - posted on 03/25/2015

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Glen: that's not very helpful advice. How do you know that she hasn't already tried that?
In regards to the OP, I agree with the other ladies. Wait a while before moving in together. If it's meant to be he will wait for you.

GlenS - posted on 03/25/2015

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First of all Divorce is not right choice, Try to reconcile with your husband for the sake of kids.

Lisa - posted on 03/23/2015

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Shawn... I agree with you but I have been working two jobs and care for my love bugs plus hold our house together. With no help from a man. I finally quite one job and have more time for my babies. My BF and his daughter are a plus to our lives. I see him as a great friend. But I see everyone feels it's best to wait longer and that I will do. I'm in no rush but excited to move forward with a great man.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/23/2015

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Its never advisable to immediately jump into a rebound relationship. Doubly not advisable if you have kids.

You've already jumped. Stop now, mitigate possible damage. Live on your own for awhile, get custody and visitations worked out with your soon to be ex. You do not need a man, and jumping from one relationship to another never works well.

Raye - posted on 03/23/2015

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Wow, out of the frying pan and into the fire. I agree it's better to wait a while. If you move too quickly and it doesn't work out, then the kids will have to deal with the trauma of losing another father figure in their lives (and his child losing a mother figure). It's hard to wait when you're so in love, but you have more to think about than your own happiness. You have all those kids to do right by. What you should do would be make a plan that would cause the least upheaval to your kids. If you move in, and dad takes the kids for a while, then that's one big change, then when you decide to get them back and move them in with you and your BF, that's another big change (any changes of schools in that equation?). I think you should all wait until the end of summer and then decide.

I knew my current husband from high school. So, when we reunited after our divorces, it all seemed like a whirlwind of catching up for lost time. I wanted to take it slower for the kids sake (he has two kids, I don't have any), even though he felt like moving faster. My husband and his ex were separated for a year or so before their divorce was final (she started living with someone almost immediately after separation, and they're still dating -but not married- 3 years later). He and I started dating about a month after the divorce was final, we dated for a while before I even met the kids, then over a year before I moved in, then a few more months and we got married. That was a little faster than I had originally planned, but the kids were/are very accepting of me (and my step-son has told me that I'm more of a mom sometimes than his real mom).

So, you can somewhat gauge how ready the kids are by what they say, but you should still be cautious and plan for the long haul, not just the near future. As Sarah said, if this is the right one, it will still be the right one a little further down the road. There's no rush.

Sarah - posted on 03/23/2015

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One thing to remember is that right now your kids may say yes, but then down the road and this could be years problems develop because there was not time given to adjust and deal with things before moving forward. If this relationship is the right one then it will also be the right one when health wise it is right for everyone involved.

Lisa - posted on 03/23/2015

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Sarah, I agree with the kids going to a counselor. I have been looking for one and one for myself. I have found my 1st love at 29 yr old. so i have excited to move forward with our relationship, the best part is when my little Bubba 3 yr asked where is her room? It made me think maybe we are ready to make that next move. I have talked to all my kids about the move and asked them what they think about it, how would they feel? They answer so fast (yes, when?) I (we) need counseling. A great idea Sarah!

Sarah - posted on 03/23/2015

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No.....1 yr. is really not that long, especially when talking about kids. Also once divorce is final that is a whole new set of emotions and things kids deal with. Most places will have kids do counseling for a least that first year after it is finalized to help kids deal with it all. Divorce affects kids 100 times more then it does adults and kids internalize it more and blame themselves for the divorce no matter what the situation really was.

Chana - posted on 03/23/2015

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I have to agree with Sarah and I don't think it makes a differences if you haven't lived together for over a year. Your kids need time to adjust to the divorce. Even though you weren't living together in the minds of your kids you and their dad could still get back together. They need time to realize that it is final. It will also allow you to work on your relationship with your boyfriend because now that your divorce is final it will add a different aspect to your relationship and take it to another level because you are now complete free from you ex.

Lisa - posted on 03/23/2015

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Thank you Sarah, does it make a difference if my ex and i have not lived together for over a year now?

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