Moving out of state or country. Need Advice Please

Nosa - posted on 12/10/2015 ( 43 moms have responded )

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Hello Ladies

I am single Mum who has a very active Baby Daddy in my sons life. We are definitely not together and would never be. However when we first met, i always told him i would either be going to move to Texas to be with family or move back home, which is in a different country.

Then i got pregnant and was forced by my family to put his dads name on the certificate and so i did, Now i regret it because i want to move on with my life and move outta of Maryland as planned but i heard, he can take me to court if i do so.

Has anyone been thru this before

Thank you

We do not have joint custody or any COURT paper work. We just share half the week for the sake of peace.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/10/2015

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Ms. Ihama, you are out of line.

WE CAN ONLY respond to what you post.
1)In your ORIGINAL POST, you indicated that you were NOT from the US (here's the quote): "move back home, which is in a different country.". You never ONCE in your OP indicated that you are a dual citizen, or 1/2 US by birth.
2)In your ORIGINAL POST, you indicated that (and I quote): "We are definitely not together and would never be." You didn't say that you had dated for years.
3)In your OP, you indicated that you were "forced by my family to put his dads name on the certificate and so i did". My dear lady, that is only the CORRECT LEGAL STEP to take when having a child.
4) Evelyn, in her first response very respectfully directed you to a post that is extremely helpful. It is not legal advice, just a few pros/cons about the whole "who 'owns' the kid" thing. If anything, YOU bashed HER.
5)We ARE going to ask questions, including the obvious: If you KNEW that you weren't going to be together with this guy, and you KNEW that you didn't want to stay in the area, much less in the US, then WHY have unprotected sex to begin with? Your entire problem could have been completely avoided if responsible sexual practices had been followed. If you don't like that comment, tough. Truth hurts.
6) What the others have told you is correct. YOU DO NOT HAVE THE AUTHORITY AT THIS POINT TO REMOVE THIS CHILD FROM THE PROXIMITY OF THE BIOLOGICAL FATHER. Regardless of what you WANT, what you GET is different.

You need permission from the father for a passport, and you need to have court approval before you remove the child. If you do so without approval, you can possibly be sited for kidnapping. since neither of you have paperwork, legally, you're both in the same spot. I'll tell you what I tell everyone else. First, if you didn't want a kid, you shouldn't have had sex. Second, if you didn't want an 18 year connection with someone, perhaps you shouldn't have slept with them! Third, the child is NOT YOUR POSSESSION. Stop treating the kid as a possession, and treat him as a human being. The kid has rights, and you're stepping all over them.

Raye - posted on 12/10/2015

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I don't want to continue to antagonize you, but the way you presented the original post sounded like you had a more casual relationship with the father and never intended to stick around. The ladies here were just confused as to why so many women don't take precautions, have a child, and then are upset that the father actually has rights to his child. It really wasn't anything personal toward you, only curiosity.

Hopefully now you have a better understanding of the legal actions you can take (going to court and getting custody and visitation legally established). As Jodi said, to be able to move with the child, you will have to demonstrate to the judge how the move is in the best interests of the child.

Raye - posted on 12/10/2015

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Nosa, calm down. You're obviously upset, but yelling and rehashing the same thing over and over is not going to get you anywhere.

The simple facts of the matter are these:
*You had a child with this man.
*He has rights to his child, and his child has rights to their father.
*You should have gone to court when the child was born to work out the details of custody and visitation, but since you didn't, you should go to court now.
*The judge most likely will rule that you can't take the child out of state or out of country without the father's permission. If you want to move, you have to do so without the child.
*Even if you left the father's name off the BC, he could have gotten a DNA test to prove paternity, gotten his name added to the document, and file for his rights in court.
*if you just move without court orders and without working out an agreement with the father, then he can take you to court, and you may lose custody all together.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/10/2015

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Ms. Ihama, since you really are being obstinate and refusing to even acknowledge your original post, which I quoted, I'll do so again. Yes, you said "move back home, WHICH IS IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY". Therefore, you think of your HOME as not being in the US.

No big deal, but please, stop being so damned nitpicky and refusing to even acknowledge what YOU POSTED TO BEGIN WITH.

As far as focusing on your question, WE ALL DID. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO DO WHAT YOU ARE CONTEMPLATING. GET AN ATTORNEY AND BE AN ADULT.

That is all. Quit acting like a 12 year old and be an adult!

Sarah - posted on 12/10/2015

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As interesting as this post has become, and I am sorry i had a meeting today. If the OP discloses that she is 12 (even sarcastically) I gotta lock the post.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

43 Comments

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Jodi - posted on 12/10/2015

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Actually, I didn't change my comment after you responded. I changed it before I saw any response from you. You must just have responded so quickly you didn't see the change.

Jodi - posted on 12/10/2015

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FFS, lady, calm the fuck down. How old are you? Because right now you are acting like a spoiled child having a tantrum. Grow up.

You've had plenty of real advice here, you are just choosing to ignore it. YOU need to stop focusing on that one comment.

Nosa - posted on 12/10/2015

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Thanks Jodi. I am a 12 year old so i am very much immature.

By the way, you changed your comments after i responded. That wasn't what you posted initially. You realized your miscommunication and changed it.

Nosa - posted on 12/10/2015

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I understand what you are saying Raye. If people are here to give advice, then why dont they do so. I didnt ask anyone about having unprotected sex...So that shouldnt have been anyones place to ask.

Why didnt they focus on my question as opposed to acting like Bullies. I am glad i am a strong person.

Once again thanks for been nice Raye

Nosa - posted on 12/10/2015

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I DIDN'T ASK ANYONE HOW I CAN AVOID MY PROBLEM. IF YOU READ IT CORRECTLY.. I ASKED WHAT I CAN DO. I DIDNT ASK ANY ANY OF YOU " IF I SHOULD HAVE HAD UNPROTECTED SEX OR NOT"

SO WHY DONT YOU ALL FOCUS ON WHAT I ASKED.
THE ONLY PERSON HERE WHO HAS FOCUSED ON MY QUESTION AND MADE MUCH SENSE IS Raye.

Nosa - posted on 12/10/2015

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So because i said i want to move back HOME means i am not from here. Waow. Way to go Shawn.

Jodi - posted on 12/10/2015

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"I just wanted to find out what i could do before i make a final decision but instead i am been asked why i am having unprotected sex...."

Actually, only one person asked you that question. Let's at least be honest about it. And it also seems to be the ONLY thing you took away from that entire post. AND you have spent every post since then focusing on that one comment.

Jodi - posted on 12/10/2015

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"I am not focusing on anything but the fact that i want to move."

Actually, it appears to me that the ONLY part you got out of any posts so far is getting pissy over the unprotected sex comment.

"I AM CONFUSED ON WHY Jodi wants me to focus on the the fact that i had unprotected sex."

No, I didn't tell you that. I told you to STOP deflecting, which means to stop focusing on it (see that part in brackets - I was explaining what I meant by deflecting).

And I asked you to stop yelling too. You are showing your total immaturity in the way in which you have chosen to interact here and the way in which you are choosing to ignore any of the real advice and INSTEAD focus on the teeny tiny question that was asked about unprotected sex, which we all know is a reasonable question and is now done and can't be taken back.

Ev - posted on 12/10/2015

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Nosa-This is my final post. We all gave you similar advice. I am done going back and forth. I just tried to understand a mindset was all. You decided it was not that case. So, you will do what you will. But you can not tell someone here to not post on your posts. Its an international site. And you will get answers you do not like. And you did not like mine and I am okay with that. At the same time, you have kept going on and on. Its over for me. Take advice or leave it. It is your choice but I hope you make the right one for the benefit of your child.

Dove - posted on 12/10/2015

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lol I didn't call you wacko. I was talking about your behavior. Marking my GOOD post as funny is just proof of your behavior. If you want to mark my posts as funny... why not the ones that are actually funny? Sheesh lady... relax a little. You'll live longer.

Nosa - posted on 12/10/2015

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Nope you are the one getting pissy cause i didnt use a condom.

That shouldnt have been your focus if you were been real in the 1st place. Focus on the question i asked.

Now get off my post you Wacko Soul. If you want to call names like you just did. We can keep going at it Wacko

Dove - posted on 12/10/2015

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That would probably be because the very FIRST piece of advice that Evelyn gave you was to get a lawyer and go to court... but you chose to ignore that portion and get all pissy and wacko... so I was just posting for the fun of it since it seemed like you didn't care about the advice part and wanted to focus on other issues. lol

Nosa - posted on 12/10/2015

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Well you obviously changed your comments to what you should have said before.

Thank you for doing that.

Nosa - posted on 12/10/2015

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@ Raye. Thank you so much. I appreciate your positive answer. I definitely agree with you. I have been thinking about moving for 2 years now but because of the close relationship my Son and his Dad have, i have been postponing it so as not to make my son upset.

I just wanted to find out what i could do before i make a final decision but instead i am been asked why i am having unprotected sex....

Once again Thanks Raye.

Dove - posted on 12/10/2015

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You've been given advice.... go to court. You can move wherever the heck you want, but in order to move w/ the child you MUST have either the father's permission or the court's permission. Period. Nothing else matters and to go on and on about anything else is pointless.

Ev - posted on 12/10/2015

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We have more than answered the question. Go to court and get things sorted. And you can not take the child just where you please. You have to abide the court orders.

Nosa - posted on 12/10/2015

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Waow @Jodi..... I am not focusing on anything but the fact that i want to move. My son has traveled before and has a passport. What amazes me is that you all are focusing on the fact that i had SEX UNPROTECTED instead of focusing on the question i asked.

If you want to go on and turn back the hands and Put a rubber on for me please feel free to do so. My son is here and i am happy and glad.

So i must say you LADIES ARE THE ONES focusing on THE WRONG ASPECT.

I AM CONFUSED ON WHY Jodi wants me to focus on the the fact that i had unprotected sex.

If you can TURN back the hands 4 years to when i got pregnant and tell me to focus on the fact that i had unprotected sex. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO DO SO

I NEVER SAID I WAS RUNNING AWAY WITH MY SON OR HE WOULD NEVER SEE HIS FATHER AGAIN .

I AM HERE IN THE PRESENT ASKING FOR ADVICE ON WHAT TO DO.... NOT ASKING ADVICE ON HOW AND WHEN TO WEAR A CONDOM.....

So before you make comments, why dont you ask questions

Jodi - posted on 12/10/2015

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Nosa, you may be better off if you stop deflecting (i.e. focusing on the unprotected sex thing and getting all pissy) and focus on the fact that you have no legal right to remove the child from an active father's life. The fact that he is not on the birth certificate is irrelevant. He still has as much right to custody of the child as you have, and given he is "very active" (your words), it is unlikely that the courts will agree to the child moving away from him at this point unless you can provide evidence that the move is significantly in your child's best interests. That child has a right to have both parents in its life.

If you decide to move without the permission of the court, you could be ordered to return the child (and you could not take the child overseas without the permission of the father anyway, as you wouldn't be able to get the child a passport).

And could you please stop shouting at everyone (ALL CAPS)?

Ev - posted on 12/10/2015

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" We are definitely not together and would never be. However when we first met, i always told him i would either be going to move to Texas to be with family or move back home, which is in a different country."---First original post.
"I SEE YOU WERE PRESENT WHEN I TOLD HIM I WONT BE AROUND LONG. IF YOU DON'T HAVE FACTS THEN DONT PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH. WE DATED FOR 5 YEARS AND IT DIDNT WORK OUT AND I GOT PREGNANT"--most recent post.

These posts do not go together very well. You said you told him you would not be around long and that you would be going out of country or state to be with family. You never said you dated him for five years and that is a long time. YOU told us you told him that to begin with. I did not have to be present to know that. You told us. It does not really matter if it was a five year relationship or a day....you have a child together and have to raise said child together until the age of 18 at the least.

I never said I was perfect. I am not married anymore if you even read my one post. I am divorced mother of 2 for over 13 years. I am not trying to judge just trying to understand why a person who is not going to be in something for the long haul would not try to prevent a pregnancy.

Nosa - posted on 12/10/2015

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@DOVE
OH I SEE SHE HAS FOLLOWERS.
NO YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS STUPID AND WILL REMAIN STUPID. KEEP IT COMING EVELYN FOLLOWERS.

Nosa - posted on 12/10/2015

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I SEE YOU WERE PRESENT WHEN I TOLD HIM I WONT BE AROUND LONG. IF YOU DON'T HAVE FACTS THEN DONT PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH. WE DATED FOR 5 YEARS AND IT DIDNT WORK OUT AND I GOT PREGNANT. KILL ME

FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN THRU A LOT LIKE YOU CLAIM TO HAVE. YOU ARE VERY VERY JUDGY. THE FACT THAT YOU WERE MARRIED AND HAD KIDS DOSENT MAKE YOU BETTER THAN THOSE WHO DIDN'T MARRY.

IN THE END WE ARE ALL HUMAN AND MOMS OR MAYBE YOU ARE NOT HUMAN.. WHO KNOWS.

THANKS FOR THE POSITIVE ADVICE BUT KEEP THE NEGATIVE COMMENTS FOR THE NEXT PERSON YOU MAY WANT TO BOSS AROUND.

Dove - posted on 12/10/2015

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*AND SINCE WERE DATING, YES WE DIDN'T USE PROTECTION AND I GOT PREGNANT AND THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT.

Well that was stupid of you. If you don't want to be tied to a man for 18+ years... you ALWAYS use protection or don't have sex. Duh....

There, now you can get all pissy at me instead of overreacting to Evelyn. lol

Ev - posted on 12/10/2015

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I am not going to argue this but others have also been asked the same question. I am sorry to have made you upset but at the same time I have seen this so much. So have the others. All I am saying is if you or any other woman did not want to have to deal with the issues involving custody, visitation and child support, then maybe things should have been thought out better. Is that what you want me to say? I just find it odd that you would tell a man you were not going to be around long and maybe moving out of state or country then still had a child with him and now you want to move but are worried about him filing to keep that from happening which it can and will if he is successful. He might even get custody.

Nosa - posted on 12/10/2015

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You obviously are a little bit clueless. Your advice was good and understood, BUT you should have stopped there and not asked such questions as you did.

If people are used to you like you say, then you should know am NEW here and should at least give your advice NOT ADD ANYTHING ELSE.

Theres a difference BTW giving advice and been insulting, which was WHAT you did at the end of your advice.

So why did you have sex with a man knowing you were going to be leaving to go to your home country or to another state without protecting yourself?

Ev - posted on 12/10/2015

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Nosa, I do not do this to get respect by any means. There are a few other moms on here that know how I answer posts and Sarah E. is one of them. They know my background and history.

As for your post about moving your child regardless on how you got to the point you are at in this life, you have to consider the father's feelings and desires to have this relationship with his child. Its not about you and your wants or needs anymore. I see so many posts similar to this no matter the circumstances they all seem to have one point: Mom wants what she wants in all things that have to do with the decisions regarding the child and dad can take a back seat. Not to put too fine a point on it, but that is exactly what it is. They have all sorts of reasons that are real or not on why they can do what they want with the kids and then get all mad when dad enforces his rights through the courts. Its a fact of life and there is naught you can do to change it unless the father is a harm to this child he can have as much access to and with the child as you do. If you move away and he gets it filed for court you will only have to turn around and come back and face court anyway. WHY make it harder than it has to be!? I watched my kids have to grow up living with their dad because I made the choice for their peace of mind and to have some sort of stability. HE did not want to pay child suppport but HE also had money to fight for custody that I did not have. It is a choice I made that I did not want but had no choice to do otherwise. That was 13 years ago. I am not going into details but just know that in the end, my kids and I are closer for it. We have a genuine respect, trust, and honor for each other that goes well beyond that of parent and child. If I had the choice to make would I do the same, yes I would. But knowing the things I know now, I could also manage to do some things I did not know I could have done.

Take it or leave it...just advice. At the same time, I just think people need to stop and think before they do things that might complicate their life plans.

Nosa - posted on 12/10/2015

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Maybe next time be in Bed with everyone who has unprotected sex to tell people about prevention. Learn how to speak if you are giving advice to people. Be respectful and Subtle.

There are better ways to ask questions.

Sarah - posted on 12/10/2015

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What on earth does:
"In order for people to keep resping her. O" mean? I am completely confused

Ev - posted on 12/10/2015

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You are going to get a lot of answers here you do not like. I was not out bash or do anything to you. I asked a simple question why you went ahead and did this without thought to protection so you did not have to have this situation. It could have been avoided but now there is a child here and you said dad is active and by moving away would take his time with his child away. How would you feel if he did this to you? You knew you might want to move and told him that. You could have prevented having kids in the first place.

Sarah - posted on 12/10/2015

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Nosa, I think Evelyn is one of the most respected and well versed mothers whom respond on this site! She knows what she is talking about and if you had any idea what she has been through and the decisions she has had to make for the benefit of her kids, you'd stop a minute and think about what you are doing! She is right, even if you left him off the BC a simple DNA test will change that. Unless you want to be responsible for the cost of your child traveling country to country, you need to rethink your plans. Also, she is correct, you cannot get a US passport with him actually being there let alone signing off on the document. You had a baby with this man, you are linked for at least the nest 18 years if not longer.

Nosa - posted on 12/10/2015

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Excuse me........ If you are here to bash me without having proper Etiquette then don't respond, I thot this was an atmosphere for positivity not for people to ask why i am having unprotected sex by Ms perfect Below.

BY THE WAY I WAS BORN HERE AND AM HALF AMERICAN, IF YOU CAN READ THEN YOU WOULD SEE THAT BEFORE I GOT PREGNANT I HAD MENTIONED TO HIS DAD THAT I ALWAYS WANTED TO MOVE TOWARDS FAMILY.
AND SINCE WERE DATING, YES WE DIDN'T USE PROTECTION AND I GOT PREGNANT AND THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT.
AM SURE YOUR LIFE IS FILLED WITH ROSES AND SKELETONS.

Ev - posted on 12/10/2015

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I did not bash your either. I asked questions. So EXCUSE ME. But I did not know you were from here too. You said in your OP that you might go back home to another country or to another state. I can not know your citizenship over this site. Besides that I am not perfect either. Never said I was. But you can look at the advice on the other link that is set in my first response. It is general advice. AND YES HE CAN take you to court to stop moving to another place so he can have access!

Nosa - posted on 12/10/2015

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I wasnt responding to you @Sarah. E I was responding to Evelyn

Miscommuincation

Sarah - posted on 12/10/2015

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Excuse me...are you talking to me, becasue I am not sure where I bashed you? I simply cited legal parameters....if you don't like them too bad.

ETA; By the way, if you want to have a baby and have sole ownership of said child: Find a sperm donor clinic and get inseminated.

Sarah - posted on 12/10/2015

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If you know the identity of the father you are legally bound to name him on the BC. Not naming him just complicates the issue, it does not give ownership or power over the baby. This is a human being, not a car! By not naming him you are denying your child death or disability benefits as well as interfering with genealogy. So I am glad you were pushed into it.
The rest of advice I would offered Evelyn has expertly outlined below and in the link provided.

Ev - posted on 12/10/2015

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http://www.circleofmoms.com/welcome-circ...

You can click this link to another post on this forum that is about general advice in custody, child support and visitation. It is not to be considered actual legal advice.

Not having court orders about any of that is a big mistake. As it is either of you could keep the child from the other parent and no one could do a thing about it other than to go to court for custody etc.

Whether you added dad to the birth certificate or he was added later because of a DNA test or other means, he is the father and he has rights to his child as much as you do.

He can take you to court to get visitation, some form of shared custody, or what have you. By moving out of state or country you deprive that child and father of their relationship. And if you are from another country but had your child in the US and father is a citizen of the US, then the child is also a citizen of the US and if you had to get a passport to take the child to the home country then he would have to sign for you to get one as well.

So you need to get a lawyer and get this taken care of.

So why did you have sex with a man knowing you were going to be leaving to go to your home country or to another state without protecting yourself?

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