Must everyone be an expert???

Jackie - posted on 08/25/2014 ( 23 moms have responded )

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I am seeing this more and more on this forum. We are ALL moms, none of us perfect. SO why do we use this judgmental, I know better than you do tone with each other? I mean I get it we are women, we can be bitches, but some of this is just going too far. The way I read this blog and its statement we are here to SUPPORT each other NOT judge. Not tell each other "the way it is" and get your big girls panties on and get over it. Some of us need more help than others, but ....what do you all think? Am I imagining this or being over sensitive? I just don't think a lot of us are here doing what the objective of this site is here for, supporting one another and encouraging.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/26/2014

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I'm still waiting for you to support your allegation that I've violated THUMPS. That's pretty serious (here), and you alleged it...now back it up. I don't appreciate unsupported allegations against me, personally.

Phillippa - posted on 08/26/2014

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I agree with you to a certain extent, Jackie. However, it is natural to want to help a mom whom you think needs a little idea on how to deal with her situation, especially if it already worked for you or someone else you knew. I know feel a sense of support when I receive a suggestion that might help. That's how desperate some of us are. And of course, that is one form of encouragement for me.

Jodi - posted on 08/25/2014

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Sometimes people need to be told "the way it is". Being told the way it is doesn't necessarily mean someone is judging them.

Michelle - posted on 08/25/2014

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Like it was said at the beginning of the responses, this is an international forum and you get all types of responses.
On the other hand some of the questions have a very obvious answer but the OP just wants to be told they are in the right instead of listening to other views. That's when they get out of hand a lot because they don't want to hear that there is a better way to do things. So it's not fair to say that the responders aren't being supportive and sensitive.

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Jackie - posted on 08/26/2014

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Seriously Shawnn??? Get over it, it is "the internet". If you didn't know you were guilty of it, you wouldn't be so defensive. I am not trying to make this personal, you are. And I am not taking the bait, sorry.

Jackie - posted on 08/26/2014

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I will refer to post in the Breastfeeding community to which Sarah responded I kind of flipped out on her a little bit which I apologized for. Because, I asked a question about if other moms who extensively bf's their kids, past 1 year, gave their lo's bottles in their absence. Sarah then gave me a lecture about my 2 year old being on a sippy cup and baby bottle tooth decay :/ When that is NOT what I was asking about. I see this all the time with other posts. I know what you are saying Philippa, but I just think there are better ways of doing it. I am not attacking you Sarah, just the easiest example to use from my recent experience ;)

LTM - posted on 08/26/2014

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Perhaps the problem is the passion that comes with mothering ... and the hormones. lol.

Dove - posted on 08/25/2014

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*I mean I make a conscious effort to do it, why can't everyone else? I know both of you ladies Shawn and Dove, are capable of it, because I have seen it.

I just want to address this as well since I kind of skipped over it a bit earlier... When you see me 'toning it down'.... I'm not. I'm speaking exactly what's on my mind at that given moment for that particular post. I'm pretty much 'confined' to my couch for the bulk of the day which probably does play a role in my tolerance level on certain days, times, and posts. I'm not being intentionally rude OR kind though.... I'm just being me... whichever me I happen to be at that moment.

Jackie - posted on 08/25/2014

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I know I asked for this by posting this, but I was really wanting to hear from others. I already knew what I would hear from you, but gotta take the good with the bad I guess. :)

Jackie - posted on 08/25/2014

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Like I said not wasting my time. There's no reason to. I don't feel the need to prove anything.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/25/2014

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Go for it, Jackie! I'd love to see if you find any posts that violate THUMPS.

Jackie - posted on 08/25/2014

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And I bet If I looked hard Shawnn I could find posts of yours like that. But I am not going to waste my time. My intent was hoping for others opinions, I already knew what yours was going to be lol.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/25/2014

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You cannot determine tone. tone can only be determined if the person is speaking orally, and you can hear it.

Tone is up to interpretation, and therefore that is why those posts are not in violation.

Nowhere in those posts (you know you're referring to mine, for example, but not naming me keeps you on the OK side of the THUMPS) is anyone attacked outright, nor told that their parenting is lacking.

Recommendations are made, advice is given. Tone...again...up to interpretation. If you look at a post KNOWING that the person is blunt, you can then determine that while it may be a harsh, blunt post, its still valid and remains within the terms of the site.

Jackie - posted on 08/25/2014

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True, you can't tell a person's tone, but sometimes you can get the gist of their meaning based on the overall context of the post. Everyone's perception is different of course. But surely we can tell our own meaning when we are typing can we not? I mean I make a conscious effort to do it, why can't everyone else? I know both of you ladies Shawn and Dove, are capable of it, because I have seen it. I am just saying that the tone I see sometimes on here doesn't go with the sites policy a lot more often than not.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/25/2014

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As my profile states: I'm blunt and to the point.

I'm not an expert, but have experience many things, and the only time I'll state that something is a fact is when I have sources to back it up.

And, yes, some people need to put on their big girl pants and deal with life, instead of wanting everyone to do it for them.

Never did I state that I was perfect, nor is anyone else :-)

Dove - posted on 08/25/2014

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See Jackie... 'you' have learned to 'tone it down', but maybe other people aren't capable of understanding how to do that. We are ALL different.. just because toning it down makes perfect sense to you now doesn't mean that another person is going to 'get' that.

Sarah is also right that you can't read tone on here.

Funny thing is... I took one of those nonsense online quizzes about 'what should your job be'... and I got therapist based on my answers... lol Yet when I'm actually 'doing' that on here... I get called out for being rude... and I just honestly DON'T get it.

Sarah - posted on 08/25/2014

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It is the internet. Not always is someone trying to be judgmental or hurtful, but because you can't hear the words coming out of the mouth of the other person it can come across that way to some people. I remember reading a post about someone asking if they would consider a rice crispy bar ok for breakfast. Just that simple question it was amazing where it all went to. I wrote my response as a more lighthearted joking back....but because you could not hear the tone in my voice for some it was taken more literal. That is the downside of computers and technology where you use that to communicate with.....you don't know the tone or the intent. Sometimes people are trying to inform as we all have been first time moms trying to find our way and there are moms that have already been through it that have gained knowledge and wisdom. Others may work in a field that has some valuable information as to why or why not to do something. They are not trying to be hurtful or judgmental.....just informative. But again because you can't hear the tone you don't always know that. You also have people that ask a question and then are defensive about the answer. Instead of getting information back on the question they asked they wanted confirmation that what they were doing was "right" or ok. And then you have some people that ask some really stupid questions......either as a joke or not, but if you have any common sense at all the question should not be asked (ie: Should my 12 yr old daughter share a bed with her 10 yr old brother?) Or I had my period on Aug. 5th and had sex on the 16th...am I pregnant?

As a poster you have to know that when you post something you are going to get a range of answers/posts back. Some you ignore. Just the same goes to those that read the posts......some questions/posts are not worth responding to at all.....such as the ones listed above.

Jackie - posted on 08/25/2014

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Oh yes I already anticipated who was going to respond with I am being oversensitive Dove. :-P I am just curious if there is anyone who happens to agree with me out there. I used to be a VERY honest to the point of BLUNTNESS myself, until it was brought to my attention that it was actually hurtful to others. So I have learned to tone it down and try to keep an open mind & heart and really put myself in that persons shoes. I just think that when a lot of women on here are just looking for support and are being met with criticism at least that is the tone that I have seen. And I have seen comments and messages from others that feel the same.

Dove - posted on 08/25/2014

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I think you're being oversensitive, but you probably already know that... lol

People have different ways of wording things and have different life experiences or beliefs that lead them to say the things that they say. What you may think of as rude is simply another person being blunt w/ their wording and not understanding how the problem they are addressing could really be a problem when the solution (to the person giving the advice) seem so clear.

MOST of the people here are actually trying to be helpful, but you have thousands of different women on this board... and not everyone is going to say things that other people want to hear. That's just life.

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