My 10 year old daughter doesn't know about her biological fahter!!

Mechelle - posted on 12/30/2014 ( 14 moms have responded )

26

0

5

Hello Ladies, I need some sound advice!!

I have a 10 year old daughter that knows absolutely nothing about her biological father. She actually thinks my husband is her dad. My husband has been in her life since she was about 2 years old so she knows no differently. Together my husband and I have two children together. He had a son before we were married so altogether we have 4 children. The bio father and I already have a visitation agreement that was put in place by a judge when my daughter was 2 years old but he never went through with it. The original order was that he had to come to my house and spend a few hours with her until she became familiar with him and until I, as the mother, was comfortable with him being alone with her and we gradually work towards overnight stays. Recently, the bio father contacted me via facebook and asked if he could be apart of her life. Although I wish he would just fall off the face of the earth I told him "ok". He ended up calling my house and he got very rude with me because my schedule and his schedule always collided. He told me that he feels I should work with him and meet him halfway. Of course, I don't feel this way because he has been absent for almost 8 years and I've tried several times to contact him, invite him to bday parties and just be apart of her life...but to no avail. Well, my husband heard him yelling at me on the phone so he stepped in and had a few words with him. We told him that we could work it out but because we had family plans it would be two weeks later before we could actually meet. Well, needless to say the bio father went to court. We didn't go before the judge (which is the same judge that put the first order together) because I agreed to go to mediation. He is requesting to get her every other weekend and sometimes during the week. I personally feel that is a bit much to start her off with. Even after 10 years what if there is a time when she doesn't want to go with him....should she be made to? She is suppose to meet him for the first time on the 5th of January but the bio father doesn't want my husband to be there....he just wants it to be me, him and our daughter. Ummm...I'm not too sure about that and I don't think my daughter is going to want to go without her "Dad"....is that wrong? I'm trying to figure out a way to tell her. I want the relationship she has with my husband, the one that has been taking care of her, to stay strong. OAN: when he was living in another city he wanted nothing to do with her but now that he is trying to be a politician for our local city I believe that all he is trying to do is clean up his "mess". He is also married now with three other children. Two by his wife and one by someone else. He is not a bad guy, he is just sneaky and I don't trust him.

How should I tell my daughter? What should I do about the visitations? Should I have gone before the judge verses going to mediation? How long should he come around before she goes away with him? Not only and I worried about how this is going to affect her but also our other children.

14 Comments

View replies by

Mechelle - posted on 01/05/2015

26

0

5

Just an update....I told my daughter about the situation and she was very upset that my husband was not her biological father. She stated she was also glad I told her now that she is able to understand. She stated she would like to meet him but she wants me and her father(my husband) to be there with her when she does. However, the bio father does not want my husband there when they meet...so that's the next issue at hand now and we are suppose to meet in two hours! Smh

Ev - posted on 12/30/2014

7,952

7

918

You came for some answers and we gave you some. I am not judgmental but I would have told my child or children about their bio parent that was not that involved in their lives when they got to an age they could have understood. My own sister waited until my niece was in her early teens to tell her about her bio father. He and my sis had married but it was rocky from the start. They tried to make it work when she found out she was expecting and he blamed her for cheating which was not true. He left her. He never since the time my niece was born made contact with her until she was about 15 and that was in the form of child support after he was out of prison. He was not allowed around her because of his conviction. (sexual misconduct around a minor of one sort or the other as I do not know the details.) A cousin of his whom married into our family tried to facilitate visits with the dad but my sis refused that because of his conviction and not being around children under 18. But she finally had told my daughter about him. My niece was full of questions and wanting to meet him as soon as she turned 18 but that has not happened as my niece is now 21 now. I doubt it will. But my sis should have told her when she was younger about him instead of waiting as she did. She realized her mistake too. But if there should have been a medical issue that ran in the bio father's family my niece and your daughter would not know because you and my sis did not keep up with things. Yes, it is agreed that you did what you could to get him involved and he should have taken responsiblity for his own actions.

Mechelle - posted on 12/30/2014

26

0

5

No I have not talked to my daughter. She will be home tomorrow and that's when I will talk with her.

Dove - posted on 12/30/2014

11,897

0

1350

How should I tell my daughter? What should I do about the visitations? Should I have gone before the judge verses going to mediation? How long should he come around before she goes away with him?


I answered this... in my first two responses. Well... not the last question because that is irrelevant at this precise moment in time since she hasn't started seeing him yet.

YOU said that she is going to meet him on Monday... so get her ready for that... and do it now. In the past 6 hours did you sit her down and tell her about him... or are you more interested in posting on here than actually talking to your daughter... like you ASKED about.

Mechelle - posted on 12/30/2014

26

0

5

I tried to contact him every birthday she had up until she was 6 years old. I invited him to birthday parties! I messaged him on Facebook. I texted him but all he wanted to talk about was he and I verses his daughter. One thing about me, I'm not going to FORCE ANYONE to be apart of my childs life!!! I should have told her from the start that she was able to understand but I would NEVER run him down to try and force him to be there for her. I tried enough!! If he wanted to be there he would have been. But now that he is trying to become a politician he is trying to clean everything up and even as of today i am STILL open to him being in her life. Mind you as I mentioned there in a visitation order that he has YET to abide by!!!

Ev - posted on 12/30/2014

7,952

7

918

I agree with Dove on this. You are making excuses for things. You should have told her a long time ago and kept the conversation going so surprises like this would not happen. Now her life is flipped over again because of this. The man she thought was her real father (bio) is not and that is going to play a big role in how she reacts to this mess that has been made. Also, she could resent all this too. You need to think carefully about things. You say you gave him chances but did you even try that hard? How many times did you contact him to get him to come see her? He does have a right to see her anyhow and to try to establish some relationship with her. It was not your call to never mention her father to her after she was four years old. That is the point. You just thought that if you let things slide that it would never come to the surface and yet it has.

Mechelle - posted on 12/30/2014

26

0

5

I am not making excuses!! This is my life!! I have never dealt with a situation like this and that's why I'm reaching out! However you can excuse yourself if you are going to be judgmental and insensitive. I did what I thought was right at the time. I never tried to keep my daughter away her father made it his CHOICE to stay away. I didn't mention him to her after she was four years old because I didn't want her to feel disappointed. Thank you for your comment but you can keep them to yourself. Thank you!

Dove - posted on 12/30/2014

11,897

0

1350

All you are doing is making excuses... so do you want to help your daughter through this... or do you just want to keep justifying the past to yourself?

What happened in the past is no longer relevant to your original post...

Mechelle - posted on 12/30/2014

26

0

5

As mentioned when my daughter was 2 a judge put together a visitation plan but the FATHER never went through with it! I didn't have a problem with it! I have reached out to him several times but he never came through and I felt like she would be very disappointed. If he wanted to be a part of her life in her early years I would have definitely mentioned him to her again.

Ev - posted on 12/30/2014

7,952

7

918

I have to agree with Dove. This was bad planning. Every child should know about their bio parent when the get to an age that they can to a point understand things. You should have kept a conversation about her bio father going the last six years. But you have to plan for a lot of fall out now because you did not keep that conversation going. And if you did not sign anything in mediation then there is not an agreement per say filed with the court? He has every right to ask for visitation. But you do not have control over what he gets, the judge will do that.

Dove - posted on 12/30/2014

11,897

0

1350

Well... then you sit her down right now and tell her about him and tell her the plan you made.

Telling her once at 4 and then not mentioning him for 6 years until she is less than a week away from meeting him was not wise, but there is nothing you can do about it now. All you CAN do it talk to her now and give her time to ask you questions and help prepare her for what is happening.

Mechelle - posted on 12/30/2014

26

0

5

I told her about him when she was 4 years old and at that very moment she wanted to speak with him. I contacted him for her BUT he wasn't interested. He said he would call her later but he never did. Of course, I never again mentioned him to her after that. We just had mediation about a week ago and I didn't want to put all of that on her around the Christmas holidays. I wanted her to enjoy it without any extra worries. Again, I told her at the age of 4 and tried to contact him but again...to no avail. We didn't sign anything in mediation but we agreed that on January 5th she would meet him, two weeks after she will meet him and his wife along with my husband being there, two weeks after that she will meet her siblings and he doesn't want anyone where other than him and I when she meet them. After that we are suppose to go back to mediation and plan the next "phase" of this relationship.

Dove - posted on 12/30/2014

11,897

0

1350

The point of mediation is to come to a mutual agreement w/out being at the mercy of a judge... so there's nothing wrong w/ mediation as long as you didn't agree to something you aren't comfortable w/ doing... which it sounds like you didn't even come to a total agreement by what you are saying. What did you SIGN to in your agreement? That is what is going to matter.

I know you can't go back in time, but you honestly should have raised her knowing the truth. Any way you go about it has the potential to cause serious emotional upset here. The fact that she is supposed to meet the man in only 6 days and she has no idea he even exists... is really, really bad planning.

Talk to her NOW. Don't put it off for another day. She's old enough to have already had some basic sex education... so let her know that another man helped to create her, but he wasn't ready to be a father... so you met the man that became her Daddy. Now the man who helped create her is interested in getting to know her and you want to help that happen and help support her through any questions or concerns she has.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms