My 11 just ssat me down to tell me she is gay. Does anyone have some suggestions for me personally?

Caroline - posted on 04/03/2012 ( 11 moms have responded )

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Today my daughter and I were coming home from my doctor's appointment and she asked me if she could talk with me on the way home and I said yes, I really am interested in what you have to say. So my daughter tells me remember the boy I had a crush on? I replied yes. She tells me it was a lie. I said what do you mean, and my daughter replied I didn't have a crush on a boy i had a crush on a girl. My daughter said she told me that because she didn't want me or her dad to think that she was a freak. I was shocked but I kept my emotions to myself and I said that I love her no matter what and if she was gay her dad and I will love you (my daughter) no matter what. We accept you however you feel you need to live your life. Now my daughter is in bed and my husband is at work I can't help it, I am concerned. My husband told our daughter that she can do nothing to keep us from loving her and he said he has his shoulder for her if she feels she wants to talk. All day I kept telling her how proud I was of her to come to us and be so open and honest. I am looking in to getting her to a gay mentor to talk with her to help her understand things that i cannot. So as a mom how do you feel? I look forward to hearing from you thanks.

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Jean - posted on 10/13/2013

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But...she is so young! How can she possibly know what her sexual orientation is at this point! I blame the media for forcing our kids into these kinds of discussions, labels, and decision making at this cusp of childhood/adulthood. When I was that age, sex, or sexual orientation was the furthest thing from my mind! Give her a kiss and a hug and tell her to relax, she has a whole life of experiences to help her decide these things and she doesn't have to worry about it right now.... just sayin.

Medic - posted on 04/04/2012

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Caroline- I just wanted to tell you my views come from being adopted because my biological parents are both gay and had a one night thing "just to see" and were scared to raise a child in the 80's under those circumstances. They are the two strongest people I know because they have spent a lifetime not only defending who they are but defending their decisions. I know that no matter what both sets of parents will support me even if they think I am off my rocker. My parents knew and currently know more about my life and what I was doing with whom and where because I always felt like I could tell them everything and not be judged or put down. I am trying to be that type of parent now and I LOVE LOVE LOVE seeing other parents that are the same.

Johnny - posted on 04/03/2012

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I think you should also be proud of yourself. You sound like a great Mom! It has got to be a very frightening thing to deal with, we all know how cruel people can be. Even though I live in a very "gay-friendly" place where same-sex marriages are legal and sexual orientation is a protected human right, it can still be a difficult struggle for young people. Having loving, supportive parents who can talk about things openly is the best defense against this.



When I was 12, one of my best friends came out of the closet. The first boy I'd ever kissed. His mother had recently passed away and his father was in a state of shock (this was 23 years ago). The dad kicked him out for a short time, but with the help of the school counselors, they worked things out and his father became his biggest supporter. Back then, gay kids just weren't out in school. He was the only one. I totally believe his dad's support made a huge difference.



I think finding her someone to talk to who has been through this or getting yourself involved with an organization like PFLAG would be a huge help to her and your family.



And keep yourself open to the possibility that sexuality is a continuum. She may have developed feelings for a girl or a few girls and assumed that she was a lesbian. But 11 years old is still young to have a full understanding of one's own sexuality. Just be open to letting her figure out her feelings at her own pace and perhaps stay away from putting a specific label on it too soon.

Caroline - posted on 04/12/2012

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THANK YOU MedicMommy!! I LOVE my daughter soo much. I think if I met other parents I would tell them that the decision is my daughter's to make. I am proud of her and her having trust in me to be honest and tell me the truth. My relationship with my daughter is more important than for me to be right. I just let her know everyday how proud I am of her and her dad and I are going to be there for her no matter what. If she gets older then I will love her partner just the same. I sure understand that a parent can be shocked when faced with such a tough topic to talk about, but disowning a child or shunning them away because we as parents don't agree with the person they want to love is so very tough for me to get my mind around. But... I am not one of those parents and I am excited to see what kind of woman my daughter will some day be. Thank you for your compliment!

Krista - posted on 04/04/2012

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I echo Johnny -- I think you handled this BEAUTIFULLY. Just keep the lines of communication open, and make sure she knows that you love her. Everything else will fall into place from there.

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Faith - posted on 05/30/2014

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My 12 year old daughter came out to me last night and she was terrified! She said that I couldn't help her and it was her dark little secret, and that I couldn't possibly know anyone like her. I finally got her to spill the beans, thinking it was something horribly wrong that she was hiding. I was so relieved that the 'secret' was that she is a lesbian! I explained to her that I know several LBGT people and that love is love! it is that simple... Love is Love! it doesn't matter who it is with or what parts they have/don't have! Love is love! Everyone deserves that! For the people who think that it is a choice, or the media, or peer pressure, I will say this... No one can choose this! You saying that these kids (LGBT) have a choice in it or they will grow out of it or it's a phase clearly don't understand how ridiculous that sounds! That is like someone telling a straight person they choose to be straight! Frankly, if I had to choose between seeing my daughter be 'straight' and miserable pretending to be 'normal', and her being 'gay' and happy i would choose gay. FYI Webster's dictionary lists the definition of 'gay' as
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a : happily excited : merry
b : keenly alive and exuberant : having or inducing high spirits

Caroline - posted on 04/04/2012

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Hi there Medic mommy,

Thank you for your kind words. It is appreciated. I do agree with you as far as my husband and I sitting back and allowing our daughter to make her decision about who she is and how she identifies with herself. Like I have stated in a reply above, We love our daughter more than we care to be right. There will come a day when our child is out of the house and I want her to really know who she is so she can be the best person she can be. Like I told her life is full of ups and downs and it is okay to make mistakes I just want her to learn from those mistakes. She tells me today that there had been a huge weight lifted off her shoulders and she can sleep now and relax. I told her I was glad to help her and I am still telling her how proud of her we are for opening up to us and being honest. Now with her getting ready to start her teen years I feel we are all off on the right foot. LOL... Thank you for your reply. It helped.

Caroline - posted on 04/04/2012

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Hello everyone! Thank you so much for being supportive. I am happy to know that I am doing my best to raise a confident and strong young woman who is smart enough to make her own decisions about who she is. I take soo much pride in being a great mom and wife so it is good to know that others can see my efforts. Tina, I get what your saying about the crush but my daughter said she is a lesbian and always had been as far as she can remember. So for now I feel the best thing to do is sit and wait and see what happens. Her dad and I both are there for her no matter what. Thank you so much. It helps me feel a little better about myself and how I feel about it. I have to admit when my daughter told me about herself being gay I was shocked and I had a brief thought thinking I had done something wrong, though I never said to her how I really felt because I want her to know that it is her decision not mine.

Tina - posted on 04/03/2012

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It's great you are supportive. There's nothing more important than that. Mind you I can say I'm not gay but at her age I did have crushes on woman. But to me it was more of an infactuation I really looked up to these woman. But it's great that you are looking for a mentor for her. To help guide her. What's important is no matter what she's know you're their to support her. I think the best thing is like you said not make a big deal about it but that she knows she can come to you and talk to you. And if she needs advice you'll do your best to help her. I think from what you've posted your handling everything fine.

Medic - posted on 04/03/2012

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Caroline- I totally agree with Johnny, I think for now the most important thing for your daughter is EXACTLY what you and your husband did. You made her feel like she was competent to make her own decisions about herself. You allowed her that choice where many parents now days do not. I think the world is generally very accepting but its the unaccepting ones that for some reason seem louder. Just do what you are doing and you will have a daughter that actually talks to you and feels validated. GOOD JOB MOM!

Caroline - posted on 04/03/2012

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Dear Johnny, Thank you for your input. It really helps. Like you I am not putting alot of thought as to her decision, because I know she is going to grow and change mentally and physically. When I let my daughter know that she may change her mind she told me that she has always been this way. I said ok, her dad and I will support her I mean after all it is her decision on what she wants to do. When our daughter told her dad that she is gay, my husband said there are worse things in life and you love who you love, but in her case who she likes, LOL.... We both told her to sit with the thought of our discussion and then we will come back to it in a week and see if she still feels the same. Our daughter has an uncle that is gay and I am going to call him to ask if he can talk with our daughter to see how she feels about our discussion. I kinda don't want to make a big deal out of this because I want her to feel important. My husband and I believe that it is more important for us to have a relationship with our daughter than for us to force our opinions on her and make her feel bad. But... I have to admit that I am a little nervous only because I know she is going to have tough times ahead. So that worries me. I don't say this in front of my daughter because I want her to know we have confidence in her. Thank you also for the compliment you gave me about being a good mom. I take being a mom seriously, LOL....

So thank you again. I hope this reply makes sense I am so tired. Is it ok for me to ask you for some advice in the future? Bye for now, Caroline

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