My 11 year old daughter doesn't want to be seen with her two moms

Tina - posted on 12/04/2011 ( 45 moms have responded )

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Hi everyone,

I'm not sure is this issue have been brought up on here before but I'm desperate for help. It started this year when she started 6th grade.

All of sudden she doesn't want to be seen if we're all together. She is afraid someone from school will see us and she'll be bullied. I would never want that to happen so we split up which breaks my heart because before 6th grade we did everything togther as a family. She was even proud to say she had two moms. Last night we went to the movies, she sat alone while my partner and I sat 3 rows in front of her. It broke my heart to the point that I was in tears. Another time we picked her up at an outdoor social and while my partner was signing her out she saw me and rushed me back to the car. Can anyone help with some words of wisdom. My heart is breaking and I feel like my family is being torn apart by this. Thank you. Tina

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Alessia - posted on 12/06/2011

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Sorry Michelle, but I'm not buying what you're selling. A child doesn't have and "inner compass that tells her that being homosexual is wrong and makes her feel uncomfortable". PARENTS teach their children what is right and wrong. And you, are obviously teaching your children that being gay is wrong! Congratulations, you're raising another bigot.



You also claim that "Children, within reason, shouldn't be forced to conform to their parents lifestyles". Really? Did you indoctrinate your children into your religious beliefs or are you letting them decide on their own? Are you telling your children that "god" exists and hates gays?



And I love this, "We, including children, should be free to make up their own minds about what is morally acceptable.". Are you doing this with your own child or passing down your bigotry and closed mindedness to them?



And please don't bat your eyes innocently and claim you're not being "judgemental" and you're just expressing yourself as "a Christian". Bulldroppings. There are millions of people out there who are gay, who don't care if someone is gay, who support gay rights and who are Christian. I'm sure many women on this board are.



I would love for you to juxtapose the word "homosexual" with "Jewish" or "Black" into every post in this thread. Then realize that it was only about 60 years ago that those prejudices were tolerated. Then think about how ridiculous and outdated you sound.



If you claim to adhere to the bible so well, then follow your own book and read 1 Timothy 2:11-12.

Alessia - posted on 12/04/2011

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My friend wrote me back. This is what she said:

Ugh, that's tough. Ian's only 7, so we are not there yet. I've heard this is not unusual in middle or high school though. The advice I have heard is to just say no to the child, and that you don't pretend to not be a family. It sends a message that your family is something to be ashamed of, but I almost think the bigger reason is because it gives away all the power. If you give bullies something they can hurt you with, they will. If you are confident that your family is not something to ashamed of, since it's not, then it takes away that power.
I did have that talk with Ian recently. One kid at school teased him from bringing his AG doll to school and Ian almost left it home because of it. I told him that gives that kid a WHOLE lot of power. What if next he teases Ian for wearing glasses? Would he leave those home? He responded he would not. So I said, "Then don't start down that road. Don't give him the power to change your choices. If he sees you DON'T bring the doll he will know he can change your behavior by teasing." So Ian showed up with the doll, ignored the kid, and now they are buddies again.
That being said, I live in Minnesota, not Texas or Florida or something. So if you are truly in an area where most people ARE bigots and your family truly is ostracized, then I have no idea.
I really hope they find an answer! It sounds like such a painful situation!

Medic - posted on 12/06/2011

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Thank you Emma. and Michelle, we as parents should teach our children compassion, acceptance, and empathy, not judgement, moral righteousness, and contempt. The family structure a kid grows up in is "normal" for them, it is society and outsiders that try and change that. I am glad that you believe what god did or didn't put in people but that is YOUR belief. Not everyone elses. That being said I know plenty of same sex couples who are christian and very loving supportive christian churches that accept and welcome them with open arms.

Krista - posted on 12/04/2011

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That's a tough one, but I don't think that the right answer is to split up. What message is that sending her?

Kids of that age are embarrassed by their parents no matter what. But, her fears are legitimate. Some kids can be real assholes.

I would recommend checking out colage.org, as it's a support site for kids who have GLBT parents. You might find some good resources there for you and for her.

Krista - posted on 12/07/2011

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Children, within reason, shouldn't be forced to conform to their parents lifestyles especially when they are outside of what some people consider morally correct.



Horsefeathers. Some people think it's morally incorrect for women to work or to wear pants. Or for men to shave their beards. Or for anybody in the house to read fiction. Should people who do those "morally incorrect things" not be allowed to have children? Or should they have kids, but completely overhaul their lifestyle and lie about who they are, in order to fit someone else's vision of what is moral?



Heck...some people think it's morally wrong to indoctrinate young, innocent, malleable children into religion. So because you're doing something outside of what they consider morally correct, does that mean that your child should not be forced to conform to your lifestyle, and that you should stop taking your kid to church, because of what they consider moral?



Of course not. The very thought is ridiculous.



At any rate, I think we need to steer back on topic. We've already had a fairly lengthy religious debate on here recently, so why don't we focus back on the OP's problem and how to make her child more confident and comfortable?

This conversation has been closed to further comments

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Tina - posted on 12/07/2011

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I think I've gotten alot of great ideas from some really great people and I'm going to sign off on this post because I can't tell you how many times I've had to endore go through this for asking a simple question on a forum. To the people that truly took the time to post helpful imformation I will take it and use it and I thank you so much. To the others please find somewhere else to release your christian bigotry. I've heard it for far to long and I'm a tired mom who has had enough. Take care. I'm and not coming back to this topic.

Sylvia - posted on 12/07/2011

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Misty, again, we are not "attacking" Michelle for her beliefs. Frankly I couldn't care less what she believes (I obviously can't speak for anyone else on this thread -- and unlike Michelle, I'm not claiming to speak for G-d, either). We're just asking her to keep those beliefs out of this discussion, because the discussion is not about Michelle's (or anyone else's) religious beliefs, it's about Tina's family.

Tina - posted on 12/07/2011

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Michelle like I said before this is not helping my situation. Your Christian beliefs are your own and I respect but please keep them to yourself because this is not a she chose a boy over a girl thing. It's way more than that and you obviously didn't read my post correctly. I'm try to get help from moms' that have dealt with the situation at hand not moms that are gay only. Please stay off my post if you have nothing to say that will help with my topic. Thank you.

Tina - posted on 12/07/2011

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Thank you Alessia. I didn't think this was going to turn into a "gay" thing. You all have been so nice in help me out and never once thought this would happen. Seems everywhere I go this happens. I do thank everyone for their support.

Tina - posted on 12/07/2011

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Michelle,
Where did you get the idea that I was pushing aside her feelings? I'm asking for help for all three of us and I'm not expecting her to be gay. That wasn't the topic at all. In fact she like boys. I don't understand your post or it's tone. Please if you don't have anything helpful to provide don't respond to my post.

Misty - posted on 12/07/2011

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Once again Michelle is being called a bigot for not loving the fact that you are gay .Really? She has a beleif based on her Christian faiths and you are the Bigots.Like I said it goes both ways .I have gay people in my life that I love and they love me.We have different beliefs and I have never been attacked for what I believe and have never attacked them for theirs.So stop with all the straight prejudice already.

Sylvia - posted on 12/07/2011

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Michelle, see, the thing is, we're not on the Debate board debating the "morality" of "the gay lifestyle". We're in a thread started by a mom who's asking for help with a mom problem. We're not calling you out as a bigot because of your bigoted beliefs about gay people; we're calling you out for turning a "please help me with this parenting problem!" thread into a soapbox for those bigoted beliefs. Your beliefs may not hurt anybody, but your words do. It is not kind or loving to say



"Maybe this young girl has an inner compass that tells her that being homosexual is wrong and makes her feel uncomfortable."



I also find this pretty hard to take:



"I know what God's stance is on this subject."



Really, Michelle? 'Cause a lot of people who are also Christians (not to mention a lot of us who are Jews, etc.; I'm sure we don't count in your view) think that G-d's "stance on this subject" is completely the opposite. Like, I dunno, the entire Anglican Church, for instance. The Bible was written a reeeaaallly long time ago, by guys whose world was a LOT different from ours. Does it contain a lot of useful and enduring stuff? Absolutely. Is it clear and easy for the modern reader to interpret? Er, not so much. (See, e.g., the entire Talmud. Even 2000 years ago people had trouble figuring out What It All Means, and they were a lot closer to the source than we are.)

Alessia - posted on 12/07/2011

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I thank my conscience and myself for my inner peace and joy and the ability to move past those who are unkind and who teach their children to hate, and who wish to demean and degrade others by alienating them and taking away their civil rights because some ancient book written by Bronze Age goat herders who thought the earth was flat tells them to.



:)



And Michelle, fighting for the rights of people who are being oppressed makes me neither "unkind, unhappy, or angry". Rather, it makes me work hard to make this world a better place for my children to inherit; where everyone is equal and aren't judged for who they are and for who they love.



If you're so keen on praying to Jesus, remember who he was. Jesus was a liberal who taught that one need not conform to strict and orthodox views of God, religion, and life. He rejected greed, violence,

the glorification of power, the amassing of wealth without social balance, and the personal judging of others, their lifestyles and beliefs. So maybe, in your effort to appear all pious and victimized, you may want to remember that.

Tina - posted on 12/06/2011

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I don't think anyone is trying to take away people 's rights on here. Just trying to determine exactly what this womans daughter may be feeling. No one has said these two women shouldn't be together just that the daughters feeling need to be taken into account and that the parents need to talk to her and try to get to the bottom of the issue. If she is infact embarrased by having two mums. Why? Are people making her feel like it's wrong. Is it a teacher, students or both. If you want to teach acceptance you have to address the bullying. Talk to her and find a way to solve the problem and teach her that just because people don't agree with the way you live doesn't make it wrong and if her friends are judgmental and can't accept her no matter what kind of family she comes from then they're not true friends. There are very judgemental people who wont be friends with you whether it be because your not rich enough, not fashionable and so on. It can be really hard on kids when they're trying to fit in and make friends. It's not going to happen over night but kids need to be taught that they don't need to change themselves to make others happy a real friend will accept you the way you are.

Michelle - posted on 12/06/2011

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I thank Jesus for my inner peace and joy and the ability to pray for those who are unkind and unhappy and angry

Michelle - posted on 12/06/2011

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Thank you Misty. There's far too much anger misdirected here. Everyone has a right to their opinion without others name calling or being hateful. BTW Allessia, I'm sure you didn't mean to quote 1 Tim 2:11-12. That scripture says: "A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. Do not permit a woman to teach or assume authority over a man; she must be quiet". Just a little humorous.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 12/06/2011

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OP I think with time she will be fine once again. I can no longer Kiss my son on the cheek when I drop him off at school..it has to be done in the car behind the dark tinted windows we have. (he is 8) its been that way since he was 7, and Im sure one day he will walk ahead of me at the mall or store...ect because I am doing something or wearing something that embarrases him..I hope not O.o

Alessia there needs to be more "Monsters" lol ;-)

Alessia - posted on 12/06/2011

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I'm not gay.



And damn us liberals with all of our civil rights and political correctness! How dare we demand equal treatment for everyone under the law. We truly are monsters!

Misty - posted on 12/06/2011

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Why is it okay to attack someone for not agreeing with certain lifestyles. It goes both ways.Someone doesn't agree with your ways and now they are BIGOTS.Give me a break with all this liberal bull crap.I have a gay Aunt whom I love very much and I do not agree with her lifestyle but it isn't my life.Why does everyone have to be so politically correct.Having an opinion with out an attack is every Americans right.How dare you make it out to be an attack on Gays when you are clearly attacking straights for not agreeing with your lifestyle. To each their own.If it's not a black and white thing it's the ladder.Let's grow up people.

Jennifer - posted on 12/06/2011

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This has very little to do with having two moms. All three of my kids were embarrased to be seen with me and/or my husband at this age. Many preteens don't want to admit they even have parents. It will pass as she matures.

Michelle - posted on 12/06/2011

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I am sorry if I upset anyone with my last post, I didn't mean to offend. I just saying children, especially an 11 year old have feelings too. It's very hard to be different from other kids their age and they are beginning to find their own identities and what they believe in. Maybe this young girl has an inner compass that tells her that being homosexual is wrong and makes her feel uncomfortable. God puts that in each one of us. When I was in my 20s I experienced a draw toward another woman and afterward felt a red flag go up in my soul that it was wrong. Even though I wanted to experience that relationship I "chose" to push it away because I "felt" it was wrong. I went on later to marry a wonderful man and have been very happy. I'm not sure what "makes" a person straight or gay but for me it was a choice. Children, within reason, shouldn't be forced to conform to their parents lifestyles especially when they are outside of what some people consider morally correct. I am in church and I do ready Bible and I know what God's stance is on this subject. I am not judging anyone for their choices, nor am I trying to force my choices on anyone else. I'm not trying to be ignorant of what goes on in today's society but neither do I have to agree with it. We, including children, should be free to make up their own minds about what is morally acceptable. I really hope that I will not get a whole bunch of unkind responses to what I believe it, but I had to at least stand up and state what I feel as a parent and Christian.

Tina - posted on 12/06/2011

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Tina, the alarm that went off for me in your post was the word, "bullied." Regardless of a bully's reason (They don't need one.) I'd make an appointment with your child's teacher, also ask your daughter to find out if any bullying of her or other kids is going on. A kid or adult who is a bullly is sick, and that's the problem. Reporting it is the beginning of the solution. Counselling may help the family as a whole work through this, but I'm betting as strong and loving as your family unit sounds, you'd all come out better and stronger through this. I'm a grandmother now, and with my now adult kids and small grandchildren, what helped them most was doing what I could to build their self esteem as well as my own..being an example. I had to step in at school where the bully was a teacher. I laid down some rules (and it was very hard for me to be that assertive). Once I did, the problem was solved. Sometimes, all it takes is letting a bully know their behavior will not be tolerated and will be reported. Best to you and your family.

Amanda - posted on 12/06/2011

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I do not think you should split up your family because your daughter is embarassed. You need to be together more than ever and be proud of your family. But something must have happened to trigger this new resistance to what your daughter has always known to be 'normal'. I would really try and talk to her about what that trigger was. There are many people who do not agree with your lifestyle (for whatever reasons) and sometimes those people will target the children as a means to stop the cycle that they see as wrong (even though its not a cycle and not wrong, but like an above poster some people assume you will expect your daughter to be gay or mold her into that ) Those close minded people might have tryed getting to your daughter. It could even be a freind, or a teacher, or a lesson that was taught in class that got her upset. I think you need to find the root of the issue and help her work through her feelings. Not hide because she is suddenly upset to have 2 moms. She is lucky to have 2 loving parents. Period. Good luck. and I hope as a family you are able to help her gain some self confidence and pride in who SHE is and who you all are as a family.

Sylvia - posted on 12/06/2011

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Emilie, my daughter is also 9 and also thinks her dad and I are kind of embarrassing already. She's very cuddly at home, but just try to give her a goodbye kiss in public ...!

Emilie - posted on 12/06/2011

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My son is 9 and he is already starting to be embarrased by me. He is especially embarrassed by his dad and stepmom, because he thinks they are stupid. You could let her sit alone in the movies, but also let her know that her behavior hurts your feelings. I am always out with my sister, or cousin or another female friend, how is my sons classmates to know that we are not a couple, so I don't think it has to do with your lifestyle, it is just the fact that kids think their parents are lame, and uncool and stupid (I am not calling you stupid I am just saying that is what kids think) I remember thinking that about my mom, and now that I am older I know better and now I know what it feels like to be in her shoes.

Alessia - posted on 12/06/2011

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My dad used to sing opera as he walked behind me at the mall. Try looking cool buying a Duran Duran album when all that's going on.

Kaitlin - posted on 12/06/2011

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Yeah, she's 11. Like what others have said, I don't think this is particularly special to your situation. I think it's just being embarrassed of parents in general. My parents used to take that as a challenge and embarrass us more, lol. ;) And yes, I still love them.

Tina - posted on 12/06/2011

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Most kids go through a phase of being embarrased around their parents . Though she has too accept she has too mums and it's nothing to be embarrased about children of her age can be quite cruel and maybe it's a good idea to talk to her and ask her how she's feeling. There are still alot of people who are very much against same sex relationships and can be quite judgmental and mean. It might be making it hard for her in school if she's trying not to be bullied and trying to make friends. It's probably just best to give it time. As she gets older she'll probably become more comfortable doing things as a family and care less what people think. But at her age she's probably dealing with a lot of peer pressure.

Alessia - posted on 12/06/2011

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Seriously Michelle? You're going with that nonsense?



Please enlighten us as to when you "chose" to be straight?



Join the real world please. Being gay is not a "choice". How absolutely ignorant on your part. Makes me sick.

Michelle - posted on 12/06/2011

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I think you should also take into account her feelings, and not just push them aside. Just because you have chosen that life style doesn't men she has to as well. Will you be angry if she chooses not to be gay?

Sal - posted on 12/05/2011

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I remember my brother shunning my mum at a school function day because he was too cool.. So when she gave me extra money for lunch he missed out, she still doesn't know why he was enbarrases at least you have an idea,

It must be heart breaking for you but it should just pass just keep loving her

Sylvia - posted on 12/05/2011

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I remember not wanting to be seen with my family (my parents were divorced by then, so that meant my mom and my little brother) at a certain age not too far from 11, too. (In my defence, my mom could be hella embarrassing! She called me "Chickie" in public, walked around the Co-op pushing a grocery cart and singing opera arias, and made me wear tights under my jeans with the holes in the butt. I mean, COME ON! ;)) I'm not saying your DD's fears of bullying aren't legitimate, but it could also just be that she's at the age when parents are embarrassing, full stop. Or, you know, both.

I don't think the answer is to pretend you aren't a family. (Easy for me to say, I know ...) If a child is being bullied at school, she needs her family more, not less. And letting other people's opinions dictate your family dynamics is not usually a good idea. At the same time, because this kind of attitude toward parents is SO common at this age, it probably doesn't hurt to let her have some space sometimes, either -- not because you think she's right to be embarrassed about having 2 moms, but because at this age it's not exactly abnormal for her to be embarrassed by having parents ;)

Anne - posted on 12/05/2011

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When my brother was 14, he didn't want to go along on family vacations anymore. He thought it was "uncool" to hang out with the parents at the beach somewhere.
My parents are hetero. I am sure it's a phase. And yes, I think all parents, no matter their orientation, will be embarrassing to their kids at some point or another.

Medic - posted on 12/04/2011

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Hey now! I live in Texas and my Mom has been with her girlfriend for going on 17 years. They are generally accepted and I have never been teased and I live in the country. I love how those that fight every day against being judged, judge others.

Tina - posted on 12/04/2011

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I really appreciate everyones' support and comments. BTW my partner and I have been together for almost 17 years and we adopted her at 14 months so this is all she knows. I am going to try some things that some of you suggested and see how it goes. I'm not going to give in anymore when she asks not to be seen with up because after hearing from you it sounds like a phase no matter what type of family the child has. I am also going to check out colag and see what I find that. Thank you all so much. BTW I live in NJ.

Nikki - posted on 12/04/2011

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I would say it's just a phase, I didn't want to be seen with my hetro parents when I was younger either.

Maybe it might help to work on her self esteem and acceptance, do you have resource books about different kinds of families, I am sure you have already discussed all this with her but it can't help to go through things again?

Is she otherwise happy with the family dynamic?

Stifler's - posted on 12/04/2011

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i have a friend with a 12 year old who refuses to be seen in public with her parents! and they aren't gay. it's just the age. or maybe she is already being bullied about it.

Christy - posted on 12/04/2011

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How long have you been with your partner? If it was after your 11 yr/old was born, she may have a reference point about what it was like before your SO came along. Meaning, she is aware and dealing with intolerable people from all sides now. Unfortunately, as you probably already know, a lot of people aren't accepting of a gay couple. I do not agree with this BTW. I am sure what your daughter is going through is more difficult than what you and your partner are going through from society. I am not sure about what to say about what you and your family are going through other than hang in there and have some patience. She is a tween and maybe when she figures out who she is, she will eventually come around. Good luck, hun.

Alessia - posted on 12/04/2011

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If it makes you feel any better, I didn't want to be seen near my hetero parents when I was a kid simply because they were so EMBARASSING! I don't know what to tell you. Let me send a copy of this post to my friends. They are a lesbian couple as well and I think their son is the same age. I can paste their response when I get it. Until then, I hope you get some good feedback.

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