My 12 year old girl is getting way out of hand!
Ariana - posted on 07/21/2013
Figure out what you can do as a consequence that will effect her. Also the best thing to do is try and keep the consequence as closely linked to the behavior as possible. Of course this isn't always possible but the more it's connected the more the kid will get it. But sometimes things don't have natural consequences so you might have to take her cell phone away for a few days etc.
Honestly I would make a plan for the two behaviors as well as try to talk to her about it. She needs to not swear at you, and not tear the house apart when she doesn't get her way. So you have to think, what will happen if she swears or tears the house apart? Maybe you can have a plan of what to do if you feel she is starting to get out of hand, like you two can talk and agree you will say, I think we need to cool off in our rooms for a minute (or something like that). Some cue that says, we need to chill out before this escalates. If she does start pulling the house apart or swearing at you I would simply walk away (if possible) or at least stop the conversation until she has calmed down.
You can pick what you want but I would definitely make her clean up any mess she made and repay any damaged objects once calm. I would also possibly take something from her, maybe she'll lose her cell phone, or some other item she wants. Don't keep one item, like don't say well if this happens no cell phone, because then she might start figuring, is this bad behavior worth losing my cell phone over, but at the same time don't go overboard and claim you're going to take her cell phone away for the next 3 months when that obviously isn't going to happen.
So talk to her about how you expect this behavior to change and ask her what she thinks needs to happen to help keep this from happening again. Once she does listen to her side and try to incorporate anything viable into your plan. So if she says well you just aren't listening maybe you can agree to promise to talk about things and listen more only once everyone is calm, or if a situation comes up where she's upset you'll both take a break and come back to it.
Make a plan, talk to her about it, plan out what you'll do if it comes again. If she's swearing/tearing the house apart first suggest a calm out time in rooms but if that doesn't work walk away from the situation until it's calm and then administer a consequence you feel suitable (oh and follow through!!). If possible talk about the issue afterwards and ask her what she could have done instead of swearing or tearing the house apart.
I hope some of that helps!
What are the current consequences for swearing at you and destroying the house? It is hard to suggest things without knowing what you are currently doing with her.
Swearing and destruction are usually signs of frustration and anger. The first step is to find out WHY she is upset, then work with her on a solution. Try to find a compromise so that she is less upset, and also show her more constructive ways to express her anger and frustration.
If she still destroys the house, make her clean it up. If she refuses to clean it up, set a timer and tell her anything still out of place when it dings is going to charity. Then be sure to follow through. DO NOT REPLACE the stuff you give away. If she ends up with only two outfits, that is her doing. If she wants more clothes, she will have to buy them herself with her allowance. If she breaks something that belongs to you, replace it and keep her allowance until she has earned enough to replace the item she broke.
Also, demonstrate the proper way to be angry--if you are screaming and yelling when you are angry with her, obviously she will do the same, but if you are calm and sit down to write out your thoughts or create a plan of action, she will learn to do that as well.
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