my 12 year old stepson is all over his dad all the time when were together, he kisses him, sucks his skin, and it repulses me

Sarah - posted on 07/30/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Hi I have been with my partner 2 years and 4 months, we get on extremely well, but I have a problem, and need some advice, I have two children 17 and 7, and my partner has two sons 15 and 12, I get on with the 15 year old very well, my partner is great with my two children. We don't live together as yet, although I think its time, he is not so keen, as he lives in Bedford and I in Portsmouth 2 and a half hours drive away, I only see him at weekends which I hate as I love him, he is a nurse so wouldn't have trouble finding work, although he says this is why, I know differently its because of his 12 year old, he was 10 when we met, and is very clingy to his dad, they come down every weekend, his ex wont have them at weekends, which I find odd, and I have been very patient, I have four children every weekend, because my children's dad died so I have them 24/7. In the beginning his son was really clingy when me and his dad were together, he would lounge all over him, keep kissing him, sit between us, and not speak to me, ignore me, and was moody and seemed upset all the time, when at my house.I have found this a huge strain, but put up with it thinking that it would get better, it did for a while, and I thought he had accepted the situation. But over the last few months his behaviour has got a lot worse an I wonder if I can carry on with our relationship, and I am starting to resent him and even his dad for not correcting his son, basically my partner was thinking of moving in with me, and instead of just going a head with it, he went for a job and discussed it with his son, I told him not to do it as he may not get the job, which he didn't, and I said don't make a big thing of moving down it will make things worse, and its like your asking a 12 year old for permission, and your the adult, and deserve a life, I know kids come first, but he sees his kids every weekend, at mine which is a lot to ask of me every week, but I do it because I love him, but we don't get a break, we rarely go out on our own, if the other kids stay at home his son is normally in tow, so we have no adult time at all, when we go to bed, he stays up late, so I don't feel relaxed enough to have any time then either, its crap. We went out one evening three weeks ago because i was fed up and went on at him, and his son was waiting up, it was 12.30 when we got in, and he wanted to make sure his dad wasn't drunk, Jesus, I had to bite my tongue. Anyway hes got worse he kisses his dad all the time when hes here, he sucks his skin, it repulses me, all my partner says is stop it, and he doesn't, anyway I dont get a look in, we nearly split up about it this week, as I don't think I can stop myself from saying something, its disgusting, hes 12. Anyway my partner came on his own and made a fuss of me, I suppose he thinks that will keep me quiet, but I know if I see inappropriate behaviour I will have to say something whether my partner likes it or not, hes also very demanding, he wants his dads attention all the time, and its all about what he wants to do or eat no one gets a look in. They go and play football, badminton, tennis, swimming coz he wants to, the older boy doesn't get I choice, nor do my kids or me, I come last.We went to the beach two weeks ago, and for an hour he kept saying I'm bored constantly, my 7 year old and his eldest were playing football, he wouldn't join in, he wanted his dad to play with him, instead of relaxing with me on the beach, I wanted to scream. I just want a normal relationship, but I don't feel we can have one, its strained and it gets to me, I have said his son doesn't like me, that hes spoilt, that he wants to split us up, he knows what hes doing, hes clever, but I mustn't let him come between us coz I know hes the one, has anyone got any ideas of how to deal with the situation, and don't know how much longer I can continue with all this its getting me down because believe me I've tried, but my partner wont have a bad word said against him, and then I feel like the nasty old step mum.

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Norylin - posted on 03/11/2014

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We are on the same page, my stepson is 12 and remains clingy with his dad. He suggested to sleep with us in our room thinking we can save if we don't get him a separate room. He always step before me when we are walking inside a store, to keep up with his father who's holding my hands, so I stepped back a lot. It's hard for me tell him to move out my way. What always happens, I lost his dad's hands and he ended up snatching his dad's hands. His dad threw his hands away upon learning it wasn't me. Good thing, I worked abroad, I only see this boy twice in a year. My hubby visit me also twice I year, the only time I have him for myself. I know this boy got his mother's mental IQ, below average. I suspected that this boy is also slow, reason he's still clingy, struggling at school and failing grades. It's hard but Im not going to lose my husband because of him. With our distance, my hubby can give him all the attention. But once Im with them, I need his time and attention too, but that doesn't usually happen.

Dove - posted on 07/30/2012

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If the father does not do anything about this then you have two choices... deal with it or leave. Whether you like this behavior or not, whether this behavior is right or not... it's not your place to change it or try and force the father to change it. Tell him how you feel about it, yes... but the choice to change it or not is up to him entirely.

Totally NOT the same thing, but I briefly dated a man who had a problem with me breastfeeding and co-sleeping with my toddler son. He flat out said he wouldn't stand for it if he were around... so... he's not around. ;)

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I would have to say, yes, this is innopropiate behavior in a 12 year old child as with any child. It is okay to hug and give a kiss to the parent. But hanging onto one and sucking on them isn't right. In my opinion when his son came with him at your house and stood in between of you two was because he doesn't want you in his fathers life at all. Maybe his son is doing this to aggrevate you, so you would leave and of course he would be getting his way.

But as I would have to say if I were in your situation, I would have to tell the man how I feel about this situation and if the man cannot stop the behavior, then I would leave well enough alone. For he is supposed to be an adult and asking his son for answers isn't too bright. It is okay to have an opinion of your children, but to accually listen to every word and allow they ridiculous behavior just don't seem right. If this man cannot understand where you are coming from then he isn't worth the effort.

Another thing that I would have to say is that also, you have 2 children yourself and yes, you get along with the man's other son. But, you also have to look at one thing...whatever your children is around, they can pick up the bad things and do what you don't want them to do. Other children can have a big impact and influence on others.

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