My 12yo has difficulties w/ her classmates?

Rebecca - posted on 10/16/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )

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When you look at her, she's just a pretty-looking seventh grader at a K-7 elementary school. Her classmates, however, don't like her. She got into a fight w/ a former friend in the sixth grade, and got into a fight w/ another girl days ago. She says that she's nice, but they just "unreasonably dislike me". That's what she told me. I do monitor her online now, and she told a high school 10th grader on social media that everyone hates her, and that she wants to be left alone. She got into two physical fights w/ two girls. advice??

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Rebecca - posted on 10/16/2014

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Dear Cristina,
My daughter can't wait to be an 8th grader in high school, which is only a year away. She's very excited, and can't wait. She says she'll have new friends, new class periods, new teachers, a locker, she can use her money to order soda pop from the soda machines ... I don't agree on that because I don't want her to get addicted to junk food, and have a cell phone (I don't buy her one because I think she doesn't need one!)

Christina - posted on 10/16/2014

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Wow, I really hate it that girls can be so mean! I must agree that older girls can really make the younger ones feel reassured. My daughter, the senior, has befriended girls in our church in 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th. She has the hardest time with the girls her own age....I think, no I know, it's a jealousy issue. Gosh, I really wish I could just hug her right now...The only thing I can say is nurture the friendships she has with the good girls. I know it will be hard for your little one to just let it roll off, and perhaps it may take the older girls to have a conversation with the younger ones to get them in check. It seems like you are doing all the stuff we other moms are doing.
I would ask your little one, would you treat others the same way as those girls are treating her? If her answer is no, then ask her why does she want to be around them? Easier said than done...I know I was bullied a lot growing up because I never fit in (my dad was military and we moved every 2 years). Please just keep an eye out on her...I have a son who is a victim to cyberbullying (inappropriate pictures were taken without his knowledge and sent via text message) and it was scary a bit afterwards with depression. Pray for her and love on her....let her know you are there for her....and encourage her friendships with the girls who accept her. She is one of the gems that come out of these types of situations....she will know and understand what the other people who "don't fit in" feel and befriend them and be all the better for it. Please let me know how she is doing in further months. I will pray for her and for you. Blessings!

Rebecca - posted on 10/16/2014

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Dear Cristina,
Thank you. She's trying to fit in with the "popular" kids. She feels ashamed when they just make her feel left out though. She told me that she needed one of those little bags that you can carry around, like a tote bag. So I bought her one. Then the other girls started calling her "slut" and saying that she wears "old-grandma" makeup. I don't allow her to wear any makeup at all! I only allow her to have lip gloss. She hangs out with some girls all the way up to the 11th grade, but I found out that they're a good influence on her, no drugs, no alcohol, and no bad language. I've met them personally. And also the older girl's parents. Their conversations are appropriate....(like talking about music, homework, school, feelings, interests, teachers, and siblings).

Christina - posted on 10/16/2014

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Hey Rebecca,

Girls are just so relentlessly horrible to other girls at this age. They are going through changes and hormones are racing and they are trying to find their place in the social groups with their peers. Is she trying to fit into groups that she is not compatible with? For example, my daughter is not athletic but very intelligent and artsy. In the past, she has tried to fit in with girls who have nothing in common with her. Eventually she found others who had the same interests as her and developed those strong bonds. Now that she is a senior in high school, she makes sure the "underdog" is always welcome in her group and that what other's think about her means nothing past those school walls. Our family just reassured her and our other 2 teenagers that this is only a time in their life and once day, it will pass and far better and greater things are in store for them. Just as a side note, NONE of my kids have social media. My husband is a computer programmer and my father works with law enforcement and too many times they see what social media and the internet can do to destroy a child. Cyberbullying is out of control and a 10th grader lending an ear to your daughter may not be what she needs. The two are just on two different planes in their growth and maturity at this time. That is not meant as anything negative....but if fights are beginning now, girls only get worse if given the means. I would definitely keep an eye out on her. She seems to me to exhibit a little social anxiety/depression and if not addressed now, can lead to a bigger issue later. I really hope the best for you! I know it was such a hard time for my daughter as well but prayer, assurance, and the proper positive outlets brought her through it and she is a much better young woman because of it. God bless and I will be praying for you and her.

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