My 13 daughter had SEX!!!

Heidi - posted on 12/19/2014 ( 27 moms have responded )

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My 13 y/o daughter had sex with a 15 y/o and got caught by her older brothers. It was very traumatic for my son because my daughter was molested @ age 7 by his best friend( and yes he is in prison for 25 years in FL). I'm afraid if I make a big deal about it it will send her into a tailspin because she suffers from PTSD ( she takes meds for it). I really don't know what to do. If I tell her Dad he will have this kid arrested in 2 minutes and I'm afraid my daughter will start cutting again. She says it was consensual. I don't know what to do. This just a really bad situation and need some advice.

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Sarah - posted on 12/24/2014

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Eman, I disagree. My 13 yo is far from "fully developed". Most 13 yo have not completed puberty, therefore are not "functional" Yes,many years ago 13 yo married and had kids, but the life expectancy was 30! When 13 yo has sex or comes to me pregnant (school nurse) her reasons for having sex, are usually : poor self worth, little or no father figure, believing she will lose her boyfriend, and plain old ignorance. NEVER has a 13yo walked into my office and said "Nurse Sarah, I am in love, I feel I have a healthy relationship, I have considered the risks and have decided to have sex with my boyfriend. Can you help me with birth control? Sadly, it is the opposite, "I had to or he would dump me, I though it would make him love me, I thought it would feel good..."

Sammie - posted on 12/19/2014

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Your Welcome:)
My Dad as well was very over protective. But with agreements on situations, he worries less and I rebelled less. Its a give-and-take thing.

Jasmine - posted on 12/26/2014

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Hello Heidi, being molested at 7 as well I can relate to that part. Your daughter may feel worthless and closed in. Although she may be in counseling there's things that she may shield out of her mind from sharing. The same things that are eating her alive inside, will be the reasons she careless to her bodies temple.

I believe that a mother's connection is stronger than any counselor, friend, fathers so on so forth. Its time for the BIRDS AND BEES TALK!

You yourself should connect with your daughter as being molested is something she'll never get over. Then to top it off she probably has this embarrassing case of her brother catching her doing the nasty.

Sit down and rationalize with her. Help her understand that her bodies temple is a blessing. Years from now she will understand sex. Explain to her that she is a beautiful individual.
Boys will never go away. They will be there yrs from now when she understands what sex is.
Let her know what a female body is capable of such as the risk (STD, VT, PREGNA PREGNANCY) she will be taking doing sexual engagement.

The fact that she is 13 & he's 15 makes me believe it was consitual. First case she was a minor and being molested. Now she is being curious and of age. Plus now an days children are more curious and aware of sexual activity... Good luck

Sarah - posted on 12/23/2014

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Back up, she did not call your daughter an idiot. She said her own daughter, at 13, thinks kids that age that have sex are idiots. Are far as supervision, that is true, I agree, my kids don't have the time or opportunity to have sex even if they wanted too.

You have a daughter with PTSD, she shouldn't be in a one on one relationship with a boy at this age, she has too much work to do on herself.

Eman - posted on 12/23/2014

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Your daughter is confused, she has no understanding of PTSD, neither of the feeling she had having pleasure for the first time. Treat her like an adult...Speak to her explaining the consequences. Flip the table if you must and let her feel the responsibility of being a mother and the beauty of being a responsible grown up... Hope that helps

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David - posted on 12/26/2014

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First of all ... get over your bible belt red-neck narrow minded perspective on sexuality.

In most states and most countries ... there is no law against consensual sex between two minors ... so long as the younger one is of some minimum age ...

No idea what that "minimum age" is in your state or mine ... h0wever ... the general notion applies everywhere ... teens naturally are curious and experiment sexually with their own bodies for gratification and ... not surprisingly ... sometimes with the same or opposite sex as well ...

Rather than be concerned so much that she had consensual sex with another minor ... i would be concerned to know and understand a bit of the context about it happening, and around her being caught ...

Something being delightful or traumatic is often more about the CONTEXT ... than about the thing itself ...

If I shoot myself in the foot at the gun range learning how to do quick draw ... that is one thing ... if someone else shoots me in the foot at the gun range as an accident as they are learning quick draw ... that is another ... but it is a whole different thing if someone shoots me in the foot ... deliberately .... CONTEXT is everything ... in how we feel or perceive things.

So ... find out ... in a positive caring , calm discussion ... how things went and how she feels about each aspect of her sexual experience ...

Ask her if there is anything she would do differently or if she feels she needs help with handling the situation in any way ... any "fallout" from being caught or the brothers or any other issues ?

be positive ...

sexual exploration is a NORMAL part of teen life ... and while we would all wish it happened with the ideal loving partner that would turn out to be someone of exceptional character that they would marry and lead exceptional lives with ... let's be honest and say ... that rarely does happen ...

Let's also be honest and note that most folks first sexual experiences were not ideal or grand and wondrous idyllic spiritual experiences ...

A positive attitude, a bit of humor, some solid "lessons learned" and a wink ... might be the best policy ...

That your son's friend molested your daughter when she was 7 is a totally separate issue from your daughter choosing to be sexual with someone when she is now a teenager.

Keep the two SEPARATE as issues ...

As for the legality ... of how much age difference is legal, minimum ages, age of consent for sex with an adult vs other minor ... that is a HUGE MESS ... and varies from jurisdiction to jurisdiction so much that it is not wise to make ANY assumptions ...

Here is a table that kind of outlines the basics ...

http://aspe.hhs.gov/hsp/08/sr/statelaws/...

from us govt health and human services ...

what you can get from it is that in almost ALL states ... sex with someone under 13 is a crime ... and in some states ... that is age 14 ... and in some states they treat age differences ... not caring if they are both minors ... so if there is a 3 year difference law... and one of them is 13 and one is 17 ... well that would make it rape ... etc. on the other hand in many states ... if they are both 16 ... though both minors ... it is just fine and legal ... and nothing to be said .... unless clear coercion or force ... instead of consensual sex was the issue ...

Don't assume ... and I would find a lawyer to ask FIRST before you decide to involve law enforcement ... if that is what you decide to do.

I would also find out from your daughter what her status is ...

If she is fine, even happy ... it might not be wise to turn ... perhaps inappropriate choice to do sex .... that she is happy with .... into a trauma by dragging her through a huge legal mess ...

If she is not fine ... then you need to deal with at least the theraputic and mental health issues, and perhaps the legal ones too.

You need expert advise ... a lawyer ... on this ... not a "chat room" clan discusssion ...

Eman - posted on 12/24/2014

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You are welcome,
It must be really hard. I sincerely salute you for your courage. Counselling will help, no doubt, however, an adult act should be treated with an adult-hood approach, or avoidable other problems will develop in the future. Don't forget, sex organs are mature and fully developed by that age. Addressing sex in children; desires for some understandable need to touch private parts of the body!! start early as early as 5 years old, even earlier in boys. I am sure each on of us remember something about their child-hood. Children, early-teens, need to know about that in a real wise and mature way.... physiologically not pathologically They need to learn responsibilities...from these aspects..

Mommabird - posted on 12/23/2014

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Too many comments for me to catch up here so I may be repeating others advice but...
Hopefully she's been seeing a child therapist the last 6 yrs. If so it doesnt sound like she's 'healed' from it yet. Find a different therapist.
All I can say is at 13 she obviously still doesnt have any self esteem or self worth.
Have you worked on that with her? She needs people who love her telling her shes beautiful, talented, smart, strong and so much more. Sometimes when a young girl hears"your beautiful" and they feel special cause noone has told them that before and they are ready to do whatever they ask..

Michelle - posted on 12/23/2014

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I agree with Jodi and Dove that it's NOT normal for 13yo's to be having sex.
With her history I would be making sure she doesn't get a chance to have sex, that means stricter supervision and monitoring of her activities.
Her Dad should be told as both of them have broken the law, they are both under the age of consent so it can't be consensual. There is a reason for there being an "age of consent".
I would also be talking to her therapist as she should be making progress after this long. Obviously something isn't working and maybe she needs to see someone else.

Dove - posted on 12/23/2014

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I am far, far, far from a perfect parent. I have never and will never claim to be one... but by having kids, seeing kids in different lifestyles and circumstances, and learning some what about psychology... that is where I have drawn my conclusions about 'most' of the kids that have sex at 13.

I have a 13 year old daughter... which Jodi can attest to... she is in school w/ kids who have been having sex for at least a year... or two... and SHE thinks they are idiots. While I do think having sex at 13 is a stupid thing to do... I think the kids that do it are either deeply troubled (which it seems your daughter falls into given her past trauma) or very uneducated and given too much freedom for their maturity.

Jodi - posted on 12/23/2014

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I actually agree with Dove in that this is also an issue of supervision. 13 year olds shouldn't be having enough freedom to be having sex. Where is she getting the opportunity to do this? I think you need to ask yourself that question too and reevaluate how you are monitoring her activities.

However, the BIGGER issue is your daughter's PTSD. If her therapy is working, she should be making positive progress, but it seems she is not. I agree that it is absolutely time to look at whether her therapy is actually working. Also, make sure her therapist knows that she is having sex, because maybe the therapy isn't focusing on the appropriate behaviours to assist with this.

Heidi - posted on 12/23/2014

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I think that "Dove" is trying to show that she is the perfect parent and basically calling my child an "idiot" and "unsupervised" and she is way off base. I don't think that this forum is to show off your fabulous parenting skills but more to be thoughtful and help others, not condem anyone's parenting skills or their children.

Heidi - posted on 12/23/2014

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Thanks for your advice. She is in counseling and has been for years. I think it's time to reevaluate the counseling.

Heidi - posted on 12/23/2014

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Thanks for the advice. It's tough to handle knowing your child if 13 had sex and I appreciate you telling your story.

Sarah - posted on 12/23/2014

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If this kid is under 16, neither of them are consenting adults. So why would you keep this information from her dad? She obviously need help, the whole family does. How much older are your sons than your daughter? She isn't having sex out of the desire to express true, mature romantic feelings for her partner. She is having sex out of need for approval, curiosity, boredom or she's being pressured. That she was molested at 7, and is acting out now is a huge red flag, get her some help.

Jodi - posted on 12/23/2014

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Oh for goodness sake it is NOT common for 13 year old girls to be having sex. It happens, yes, but it is NOT common, it is NOT typical, and it is NOT usual. I get so SICK of people who are so incredibly misinformed about 13 year olds out having sex all over the place. In fact, the average age a teenage girl loses her virginity is at around 17. So those of you who think 13 is common, you might want to reevaluate your expectations.

Now, having said that, I would suggest that your daughter needs to get some counselling. The fact that she is cutting and having sex at 13 is indicative of other issues, and is a symptom of her previous molestation. She really should have been having counselling all this time. Consensual sex or not, she still needs help working through her previous issues.

Rebecca - posted on 12/23/2014

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Get your daughter to counseling. Teenagers at 13 have sex, it's common. It's not appropriate, and can lead to pregnancy. As for cutting, she needs to get help. My child is 12 and had issues w/ suicide.

Ev - posted on 12/23/2014

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I have to agree with Miss Dove here. Parents are the ones that lay down the ground rules, values and morals for their children. Without that guidance kids are going to do a lot of things and its going to get them into trouble. No child of this age understands the consequences of after having sex. Health issues are utmost important as this can lead to STD's not just pregnancy. STD's can be with you the rest of your life, take your life and make so you can not ever have a family if you were desiring to in the first place. Also by her having sex now with a boy she may not know well, she does not know who he has been with. So any diseases that this guy got from others will spread to her. Did you not talk to her about sex in general with the right information so she had a basic understanding of this?

Dove - posted on 12/23/2014

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If my daughter had sex at 13 (she's 13 now and thinks the kids that have sex are idiots)... she would not be unsupervised at ALL... and she would be in serious counseling.

Yeah... kids at 13 have sex. Most of the ones that have sex at that age are due to lack of parental involvement and morals... or trying to block out past trauma... or aren't fully educated on the risks involved..

You don't need to freak out about it... but she doesn't need your consent here... she needs your help and guidance.

Raye - posted on 12/22/2014

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I first had sex at 13. I know now that it was too young, but it didn't feel that way at the time. It felt like being a virgin was the minority and several of my friends had already had sex. My mom never knew I was having sex until I was 16, and I lied to her about when I lost my virginity and how often I was sexually active.

Try not to make a big deal out of it, but let her know that it wasn't a good choice. Good news is now you know and can help her make better decisions. Wouldn't be a bad idea to get her on birth control (if you believe in that kind of thing). If you do, tell her that does not give her a pass to have sex. She still needs to worry about STD's, etc.

Trisha - posted on 12/19/2014

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I'm glad that I could make you feel better. I am a mother of four, and my soon to be 18 year old son, has decided that he wants to be a father, and there was no stopping him and his, on and off again, girlfriend. My eldest are 27 and 25, and they aren't even thinking about children, but these last two, teens are racing to make me a granny!!! At any rate, I wish your family the best, and many blessings.

Heidi - posted on 12/19/2014

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You and I are completely on the same page about this! I'm so glad you responded. It really made me feel much better. We do have a therapist and I do plan on speaking with her about it and getting her input as well. Thanks so much

Heidi - posted on 12/19/2014

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Thanks for your response and I'm so sorry for all you went through as a kid. So you know how my daughter feels and stirring up stuff again I feel just causes more pain for her but then I feel like their needs to consequences too. Her Dad is so over protective of her as an I but I think I understand more of where she's coming from. I appreciate your input especially because you understand what she's been through and how painful it is.

Trisha - posted on 12/19/2014

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First and foremost, I'm sorry to hear about this, for all concerned. Secondly, don't make a huge deal out of it, to the point that she feels guilty. Honestly, it's not unusual, in today's society, for 13 year olds to engage in sexual activity. Make sure that you take her to have a check-up, and now that you know that she is sexually active, planned parenthood, should be in order. As a mother, I would make sure that I let her know that she can confide in me, at every turn. I feel that it would be beneficial for the WHOLE family to discuss this, during a counseling session with a trusted therapist. As for her father, I would assure him that your daughter has stressed that the sex was consensual, so there's no need to involve the authorities. Not sure if everyone will agree with this advice, but it is from a realistic place, I am coming from.

Sammie - posted on 12/19/2014

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Hi. My name is sammie and as a child growing up I was molested and raped by my Mother, ex stepfather and my mothers boyfriend. Needless to say that changed my life completely...
Eventually Dad will find out. I know this is hard but if she COMPLETELY understands everything that can happen it is best for the whole family including the boy to get together and talk. This sounds like a BAD idea but eventually Dad will have to understand that she cant stay a baby forever. Itll take time but itll hopefully work out. I wish you the best of luck!

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