My 13 year old son.

Cecilia - posted on 07/26/2016 ( 5 moms have responded )

2

0

1

Ever since his father died two year ago. He have been out of control. I have done counseling. He lies, steal money from his grandparents, his older sisters, his younger sister bank, his aunt and me. Takes things that aren't his. Then when i ask him about it he lies about it. Then when he caught with the stuff he still lies about it. I work and try to give him whatbever he wants and i sign him up for baseball and other sports he love. Don't know ehat to do with him anymore.


Thanks

Cecili

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Elaine - posted on 07/26/2016

19

0

0

Hi Cecilia, I am so so sorry about losing your son's dad. That had to be so painful for everyone, there are some things on this side of the heavens that we can't understand. While you have to show compassion for your son's loss, he also needs boundaries and MUST show respect. You can share with him daily that you love him and that you expect him to be part of the family. In being part of the family, he should be helping his mom with chores, assisting his grandparents as they get older, be an example for his younger sister and respect his older sisters. It is a privilege to be part of a family but it also means responsibility. Take some time out to write down what you expect of him. Have a list of chores that he needs to complete; if he complies, you might want to consider giving him an allowance. I agree with Heidi that ASKING him will only leave you frustrated and perhaps more angry because he is not going to be honest. He's in a bad place and he is only thinking about himself. He is not thinking about what his actions are doing to the rest of the family. With that being said, he is NOT changing right now so YOU have to change in how you respond to him. Write down what you expect of him and let him know that there will be consequences if he does not follow them. Cover things like chores, helping other family members, what time he needs to be home, when he can use his phone or computer, lying, stealing, cursing, when and how he can see friends, etc. Talk to his sisters and grandparents and let them know what you are doing so they can help you enforce these rules. Your son needs to know that life as he is living has come to an end. He needs to understand that you are serious. If he breaks the rules, he needs consequences immediately. If he is in baseball as you said, speak to his coach. Find out if there is a mentor he can hang out with. Look into Big Brother Big Sister for someone who will invest some time in him. If you are involved in a church, talk to your pastor and see if there are people who will speak to him and spend time with him. Regular counseling should be required since he is lying and stealing and this may be the beginning of a downward spiral. You don't want him to have serious problems at school when he goes back or start hanging out with kids who are making bad choices. I would reach out to the school guidance counselor and others at school and let them know what has been going on. You want your son to be accountable to adults; he should definitely not be thinking that he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants and no one is noticing. You mentioned you give him whatever he wants, STOP! He has to earn what he wants and what you think is reasonable. Remember, he is the child and you are the adult. Trying to buy his love or good behavior will only give him a green light to continue to manipulate and be ungrateful. This is serious and should be handled as serious. His younger sister is watching his every move and she may be effected more than she shares. Cecilia, it is time to take control and let your son know who is in charge. You can explain his sadness and acting out because he lost his dad, but you cannot EXCUSE it. Be strong. You will be in my thoughts, you can do this! You deserve a different relationship with your son. Be well.

5 Comments

View replies by

Michelle - posted on 07/26/2016

3,631

8

3245

Like has been mentioned, you don't need to give him everything he wants. All you have to provide for him is a roof over his head and food. Take him out of his sports, strip his room so he just has a mattress and basic clothes. Take away internet access and all technology and don't keep money in the house.
You need to tighten the reins and he needs to earn it all back. I know it's hard because you are all still grieving but it's not an excuse to let him do what he wants. This is the time he needs the most guidance.

Elaine - posted on 07/26/2016

19

0

0

Hi Heidi,
Thanks so much for your kind and supportive words. You are clearly a VERY special lady given all of your wise comments. Yes, if the family pulls together and holds him accountable, there is a good chance that there will be healing and change can take place. We are cheering for you, Cecilia!

Heidi - posted on 07/26/2016

3

0

0

Excellent!! So so much helpful information. Sometimes as mothers I think we hesitate to take action that is met with even more negative behavior. A lot of services that have been mentioned aren't a sure fix we all lnow that. The recipient must be able and capable to receive the help. When families pull together as a unit the success of transformation not only benifits her son but the entire family. Thanks so much Elaine for all the helpful advice.😀

Heidi - posted on 07/26/2016

3

0

0

Good morning Cecili. Firstoff,I'm sorry for your families loss. Loving a husband,father is devistating and sometimes can leave awful residuals. The two things that stuck out to me in your post was when you stated"when I ask him about it." You need to tell him what he did not ask. You are unconsciously enabling him to lie about it. If you ask him about it you are not letting him know there are consequences, asking gives him tons of room to lie about what he did. Telling him you know eliviates that room and he's more apt not to manipulate you with his lies about what he has done. The other thing that stuck out to me was when you said you work hard and give him whatever he wants,Cecili,why,if he's stealing from everyone what possibly could he need? By doing this you again,unconsciously are telling him,go ahead and steal I'm still going to give you the world. To a teen,everything is materialistic. The value is not considered but how much they have. It's hard to reach in a teens mind,their feelings their thoughts and trying to understand why they do what they do. Your husband died 2 years ago but yet it sounds like your family is still grieving not from his death but from your sons actions. Tell him that missing his dad doesn't mean you hurt the ones you love around you,they loved him too. Seeking out negative attention like this could mean deeper rooted issues. I know you stated you tried councillors,I would try a Psychiatrist,one that works with Teens and maybe deals specifically in the grieving process. No one person deals with death in the same way Cecili I know that but a mom to a mom,loosing your husband was a terrible thing to go through I'm sure but you don't deserve the stresses of this nature either. There is hope at the end of the tunnel. It's there. You'll see it I'm sure. Good luck!😊

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms